A special kind of feeling

Do you ever have that feeling that you're all alone and that it's ok? I was falling asleep 2 nights ago and for some reason had the overwhelmingly clear thought that no one else actually matters when I choose what I want to do. I mean, people say this kind of thing all the time, but do they actually mean it and feel it and understand what it will be like when they die alone? I think I'm gonna make one of my life goals be that I'm ok being truly alone. Not just alone in a room, but really separate, a free entity, a complete unit that doesn't need others to choose things for me. I think death will be a lot easier to handle if I am able to face it alone. I mean, you HAVE to do it alone anyway, it's not like anyone can help you with it, so you might as well be comfortable with that fact before it happens.

But what if being comfortable with that fact basically is death? What if I find this "enlightenment" and then sort of fade away and die? Do you think people who just die for no apparent medical reason other than "old age" do this? Or do you think they are dying of causes that modern science is unable to measure at this point in time? Maybe both, and either answer is correct depending on how you measure things / what importance you assign various factors.

Also, just before I fell asleep I realized I've been sort of doing a reverse teenage-I-will-live-forever assumption. That is to say, I've been feeling like I might die very soon. But Jesus, what if I end up living for another 50, 100 years, or more? Holy crap that is a fuck ton of time. I hope I have lots of energy for most of it if that's the case.

Anyway, I'm just in one of those aware-of-the-earth-spinning sort of moods today. It's been a good day at work. They're handing out bonuses too! I wonder how big mine will be. If it's more than a couple hundred dollars I'm going to buy a digital camcorder this weekend. Because I never make ridiculous purchases and how fun will it be to make my own short movies and fuck around with some crappy editing software? My friend max is having a short movie themed birthday. Everyone is invited to make an under-4-minute movie/music video/animation (more info here. It's going to be so silly!

So much fun.