Cleaner...cleaner!

I have this overwhelmingly powerful craving to clean my room right now. Clean!

Of course this feeling will be gone once I've paid my debt as an excel monkey for 8 hours. By the time I get home all I'll wanna do is read my new Octavia Butler book. And dial 7 digits to Thai happiness.

This must be one of those neverending dilemmas the real grown-ups go through (The grown-up standard that existed before I was born and will continue to exist after I die. You know, those permanent grown-ups that run the show and never change.) There's never enough energy to do everything you want to do, because your most productive hours are spent sitting in front of a computer, interspersed with meaningless relationships with coworkers, these people who, for the amount of time they see you, should know you intimately.

The lack of intimacy really freaks me out sometimes. That's why I always need physical contact with my boyfriend, my family, and my closest friends (drugs help with this one). And why I often take conversations deeper than the other person is comfortable doing. Because if I don't push boundaries occasionally, I start to feel trapped. This blog helps a little, it makes me feel like I've achieved some level of intimacy with the unknown. I don't know where this hunger comes from, but it's comforting. It gives a little more purpose to what I'm doing. Maybe I'm getting good at it? Maybe I am cultivating a craft that uses humor and gesture to overcome people's boundaries a little. I've always enjoyed thinking of myself as an extremist with a moderate exterior. I try to get people to approach me as a conservative equal at first, and then worm my way in. I'm not very good at the worming in part yet, but as I get older, I get more confident and less scared of freaking people out, so maybe I will be a pro at this in a few more years/decades.

Also, my sister mentioned she might want to go to Burningman with me this year. I want to try to make this as financially easy for her as possible because this is the kind of thing I'm talking about. I think she'd really like it too, she's already pretty comfortable with the bizarre. And she's in that, Ah I'm freaking out because I just graduated college and what am I going to do now! moment. I think things like Burningman really ground people and let them slow down to see the bigger picture. It helped me a lot when I first moved out here and didn't know what I was doing (I still don't in some ways but there's a much more solid bit to me now that really helps with the fear).