Indie Movie
I was thinking on the bus stop, I don't know if this is the right way to live or not. I know I spend too much time partying/watching tv (both because I love my boyfriend (and like to do stuff with him) and because I have some fear of missing out on all the fun), and not enough time on life tasks. My mission. The stuff that lets me lose awareness of ME ME ME ME. The stuff that keeps me from getting sick of myself (which is really, when you think about it, what cancer is!)
But I was wrong. I do know whether this is the right way to live or not. It's NOT. I'm just afraid afraid. Because I don't know the right way, and it's gonna be a scary road of trying things out and failing. I worry that my family will shake their heads after one of my failures and go, "She was such a smart girl. Why did she have to do that?" I want to hide my failures from them. Because of course I'm gonna fucking fail! Maybe 10 times before I get it right. Most people don't leave the standard, don't start from scratch! It's not a clear path. I've grown up my whole life needing money, needing approval, needing to fucking relax after finishing whatever it is that occupies most of my time in a tedious, distracting way. T.V., beer, parties, running, extreme sports, shopping, whatever it is that takes your mind off the fact that you're running out of time and energy and putting yourself into something that is less than who you are for most of your time.
This is very very very exciting! I just gotta figure out how to save some money (hey here's an idea: stop partying!) and get this thing started already. Aaahh, I'm so afraid of leaving money.......Money, my love. Let me fuck you one last time. Before you fuck me.
Things I need one long last breakup fuck with:
Health checkups, esp. teeth, eyes, and girly bits
Money
Trendy Haircuts
Gym/yoga
And starting right now: simplify. no more credit cards, technology purchases, excessive restauranting, cabs, beauty products, non-essential plastic (esp grocery bags), cell-phone conversations when we could be talking in person, drinking when you have a headache/are bored/don't know what else to do, meaningless (overambitious) promises, duty to respond to every email that comes your way, wasted paper (and excessive garbage in general), internet purchases (other than airfare), holding on to presents you don't even like just because they're presents, caffeine, other migraine-aggravating activity........
oh. it's empty in here isn't it. woah
posted by Vanessa @ 08:30
5 Comments:
I think you (or anyone) doesn't really need all that much money. As long as you are relatively debt-free (school loans probably don't count towards crushing debt; my 10k loan is at like 2%, and I pay $80/month), you can get by on hardly any. In New Zealand, our rent will probably be $600/week (that's about $1800US/month), or about $450 USD/month/person. For a sweet-ass 4-5 bedroom house in the middle of downtown! You can make that much money pretending to juggle fake puppies on the pedestrian mall. Food is cheap, too, and we'll be cooking a lot. Entertainment is free, when you're with us! Maybe you'll want to do yoga with us? That's like $140NZD/month. Maybe we can set up a little yoga room in our house, and have Christopher come over to lead us in yoga for free!
Also, I had an idea about your trendy haircut problem. You should totally go all Natalie-Portman-in-V-for-Vendetta, and just buzz your head. Not only would it look really awesome, I bet Francisco would think it was totally hot, and it would be really easy to maintain and be perfect for Burningman. What do you think?
I know all about feeling compelled by not wanting to miss out on the fun, but I've found that it sucks worse to feel like you're disjointed because you're not allowing for enough stillness/simplicity/rest. I think it's also an ever-changing balance between activity and rest, and that there will always be things that sweep you off your feet or totally dash you on the rocks. But that's kewl, and it just means that you have to keep paying attention. Fortunately, it feels good to take care of yourself and, I think, something that therefore eventually becomes a matter of course.
Anyway, I think you should keep taking care of your teeth and eyes and girly bits regardless. No one wants dilapidated girly bits.
Yeah, I was toying with the idea of cutting off my hair for burningman. I'd like to have at least a little left to dye though. I've never had short enough hair to make bleaching and dying a simple thing. Soon.... This is gonna be hot, let's have matching haircuts joe.
Hi Cary! Welcome to my blog! (and good to see you last night) I think people like you, me, and Nikhila sometimes have that too-much-fun problem, but I also think we're all aware of it enough that it'll never destroy us. We are life masters.
I have a pretty gross mental image of dilapidated girly bits. Think lace, but made out of human flesh!
Let's totally have matching haircuts! I was going to shave the sides down to the skin and sport a pretty hard-core mohawk, and then just bleach it white.
Kylie Minogue has "unveiled" her new cancer-look and it's pretty freakin' hot: http://entertainment.news.com.au/story/0,10221,18812124-7484,00.html And you don't even have to have cancer to get that look! You can just use clippers!
I'm gonna shave the sides real close for burning man, and have a wide, long mohawk, Maybe purple. Maybe orange. Maybe both. Unemployed people can do that kinda thing.
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