Talkin

I made some new friends this week. Now that everyone's leaving I feel extra space in my life for new people. It's been a while since I last felt this way. Lately I always feel too crowded and everyone's like, blah blah blah listen to my problems what, are we not friends anymore, why aren't you returning my calls? My friends are all lovely people but it seems like they want more than I can give. I need space and freedom and silence. For at least 2 nights and 1 day a week. But this week I don't feel that way. Projects are wrapping up, maybe things are crazy now but I can see that very soon it will be simple. Is it terrible for me to say that I'll appreciate some time alone? I'll miss him terrible of course, and I always really enjoy his crazy fun plans, but it'll feel good to return to me again.

Also, I've shifted back to thinking about people 1 at a time rather than all at once. It's so much nicer to do this! Their individual problems are fascinating when taken alone, but when thinking about everyone all at once it's just more BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I met (well I've met her before but we haven't ever talked) this girl on Tuesday with terrible headache problems. It was such a relief to meet someone else with the same concerns as me. She feels like her headaches really disrupt her relationships with other people, and she becomes known as the headache girl once she starts hanging out with people frequently. Now, after years of not having strong frienships, she's settled in with the False Profit group. She likes them a lot, and she's not known as the headache girl, but she worries she will be. Her headaches are probably more disruptive than mine, but I totally understand where she's coming from. I get so angry at my headaches sometimes because I only have so much life, and they take some of my precious free time away from me. They make me stronger, but I often dream about poking myself right above my right eyeball with a bent coat hanger to kill them. I'm getting better at using a mental rolling pin to spread the pain out over my whole body, rather than having it bunched up in one lobe of the brain, but it's really hard to be zen sometimes.

I (re)met other great new people on Tuesday. It's almost a shame I'm leaving so soon! I was starting to feel apprehensive about all these new friends the Ardents and Christopher have in New Zealand. I started imagining them all having dinner with Francisco in New Zealand, and this Clodagh chick becoming the replacement me (well, not becoming Francisco's girlfriend, but being the enthusiastic friend that everyone enjoys at the parties). THAT WAS VERY RETARDED. It's not like these new people in MY life are replacing the Ardents, nothing could replace them, so why do I think this "Allen" or that "Clodagh" could replace me?

I need to join you guys right now, before it's too late. Before I'm doomed, doooooomed! I'll send some videos with Francisco so you guys can remember how cool I am. I made some brocco-celery porn for max's film festival that you'll never forget.