Put out the rubbish bins

I like to throw things away. I've been thinking today about all the friends I've left behind along the way. I don't particularly regret it, the friends I have now are better, but it certainly is a thing I do, a thing I hold in a dirty place. Things feel stale and useless if I've neglected them for too long so I just discard them. And not just friends. I had this one friend named Jessica, who developed cancer in high school. She got better, she was ok. Then it came back and she lost her eye, along with her hair again. Worse and worse. At one point I thought to myself that her body was now too messed up, garbage, better to be thrown away. Clean up, start again, empty the fridge, turn off the computer or buy a new one. What, there's mold in the apartment? Don't call the landlord, let's just move out. Easy. I like explosions too, in part because a mess is getting cleaned up and thrown away.

Explosions are great because they shake things up. 9/11 was exhilarating to watch. "Maybe now they'll pay attention," I thought. Things didn't work out that way, unfortunately, they just got worse. And the wish for the world to get shaken up is becoming weaker as I get older. Chaos! Anarchy! Wake up people! I'm starting to think most people are awake, they just like different things than I do. Maybe they don't WANT to be rescued. Maybe I should stop thinking about what THEY are doing and think more about what I am doing. So that's what I'm doing. I'm being quiet and thinking about my body, my mind. Set your mind right, then your family, then your community. That will change the world in its own way. Am I growing soft? Will I now be less prepared for the apocalypse? Does the world indeed desperately need a planetary-sized shoe kick to the head or are things the way they always were and continue on in a slow moving larger pattern with nary a ripple in the grand scheme of things? I am caught between two opposing desires. One feels raw and angry and young, the other feels old and quiet. Which is right? Does age equal a growth in wisdom or simply a different perspective? Perhaps the opposing responses are more strongly related to energy than wisdom, and both are "right."

I can hear some neighbors having a party. Let's sing and jump on the bed cats. Ooh, I haven't listened to this CD in ages. I wish you could see my ab muscles right now, I HAVE AB MUSCLES.

I'm finally all caught up on the local gossip. I don't care what you say, some gossip is great. It let's me learn more about the people around me, see that they are doing ridiculous things too. Trust me, we're closer now.

Right?

Guys?


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