Reevaluate

I think it's time for me to reassess some earlier comments I made regarding Nataliedee. I had decided I couldn't ever like this woman. Today I went back to her site for the first time in 2 months and saw this picture:


How could I hate this woman? She's so happy. She looks like my friends.

One might wonder why I keep looking at her stuff and talking about her. I don't really talk about celebrities and other people I don't know here. It's hard to say. We all get obsessed about weird stuff. I'm having stronger obsessions than normal because of all the free time. Ever since I was little I've kind of mentally made fun of people who get really obsessed about a movie, game, or celebrity, because it didn't happen as much to me. I faked it well because otherwise I didn't have much to talk about with the girls I grew up with, but it was never genuine until now.

I've been feeling a little lonely and bitchy the past couple days. I think I need to get out of here before my housemates kill me. It was easier in SF, because my housemates were all messy and crazy. In keeping my shit together better than those around me, I had some sort of mental superiority thing that made me calm and feeling good about myself. This is one of those things I probably shouldn't write about on my blog, but I like to live dangerously. But NOW, my housemates have their lives put together. They are older. They find my most despairing moments funny. I can't keep up with their standards of living. They like spending money and being grown ups, turning the music down and wiping the kitchen counters clean. Suddenly I feel very crazy and young. I miss my messy crazy co-op. I want to glue collages together and clean up the paper scraps (gasp) tomorrow. I definitely want to punch some walls. Oh the rage, the self-doubt, the rage! It's time for some good old-fashioned chaos, in the true spirit of Halloween.

We're beginning filming tonight for our short film. I found out that as main supporting actress I will need to drive a car at one point during the movie. I am absolutely terrified. You must do the thing you think you cannot do, right? Why is skydiving less terrifying to me than driving? Strange and ridiculous shit right here. Hopefully we'll have more fun than stress doing this. Operations have been lagging and no one really knows what's going on. We only kind of have a script. It's a lot easier doing all the work yourself, it turns out. If you really believe in your idea that is.

Considering the long list of things that terrify me, it's amazing I'm not an alcoholic. I had strange dreams last night about addiction and homework. The drugs I injested don't exist in this world but in fading memories they were wonderful. Sparkling oblivion.