Second glance

Entries like the one I just posted earlier today are always the result of awful feelings accumulating for several days. Inevitably after I write such a post I find myself a couple hours later strongly drawn towards various philosopical writings penned by people I feel a strong intimacy with, people who write eloquently about my deepest beliefs. The man who started this blog for me, Charles Eisenstein, is who I returned to today after feeling such terrible self-doubt and fear. It immediately became clear to me that all my self-pity and anger comes from the same place, the thing that says, "You are not good enough." It's strange to find this thought anew again and again, because it's not obvious at all when I'm feeling angry about people and myself, chastizing my incredible laziness and apathy towards a career, my penchant for taking things much much much too personally. Once I've found the lost thought though it's like finding an old friend. Once again I've been banging my poi on the ceiling, blasting the music and hating everyone all week, only to find this incredible relief and desire to change my life and my reality, to really give everything I can to others, after a short crappy blog post and a couple hours of reading articles online. How is it so easy to lose this place? Why do I feel so helpless most of the time, tied tight to a ride I don't remember getting on? Why is it so easy to drastically change reality and then lose that change? Is there progress in all this back-and-forth-age?