Day 14

I'm tired of this food. I'm tired of yoga. It's crazy outside, supposedly the wind is gusting up to 120 km/hr. There's rain, and the special-ed mcguyvers next door are putting more and more bricks and wood on top of their broken roof. See they have this clear corrogated plastic roof over their car park that's held in place with a nail gun or something similarly crappy. Wellington's windy so naturally part of it got disconnected and flapped annoyingly every time the wind acted up. So they "fixed" it by laying a 2X4 and some bricks on top of it. Today was finally the last straw for that solution so they just added more wood and more bricks. Hurrah!

I'm scared to go outside, really. I should go to yoga, I should get more veggies, I should apply for jobs, I should should should. But I have a fireplace and half a dozen sci fi books and a basic minimum of food. Also no car. Oh and a tv and 2 cats and a great view of the neighbors in my driveway with their problem-solving ingenuity. Really, could anything more be expected of me? I feel guilty almost every day because everyone else is working hard and being productive and calling each other and spending money, but is there really anything "wrong" with me? I gotta stop laying it so hard on myself. I'm being me, and that should be good enough. When I get desperate enough, I'll find a way to make money. It may not be particularly satisfying or sustainable, but it will do. Perhaps the great heights I have set up for myself will take many years to develop, or perhaps they will not manifest as material benefits. I should really try harder to be ok with that, rather than obsessing over the fact that maybe everyone is resenting me or, even worse, feeling embarrassed for my idleness..

Every night the past few weeks I fall asleep listing possibilities for starting my own business, new ways to change the world, use the internet, make a profit without having to manufacture material goods. So far nothing spectacular, or easy, has come to mind. But I'm on the task. God I really don't want to work at Starbucks or in admin positions all my life. I can do this. I need to pick something soon and become highly proficient at it. What to pick..........

Boy I really wish I could eat Starbursts or pie or soup right now. Damn.