Water...

...is the only liquid I want to drink again ever. Ugh. Juice. So sweet and cloying. I thought vegetables wouldn't be so sweet, but they are when you remove all the fiber. The juicing intensifies the leafy/nature taste of the vegetable, AND brings out all the sweetness. I feel nauseated thinking about most juices right now. I'm done fasting, broke it yesterday at lunch, just had a banana and some crackers, was feeling great (earlier that morning I couldn't even get out of bed I was so dizzy, almost blacked out on the way to the kitchen. Terrible!) It's weird how much you go back and forth while fasting. Half the time I felt clear-headed, calm, and happy, a lot of my frantic circular thinking totally gone, and the other half of the time weak, achy, headachy. A bizarre experience I don't really want to do again for a while. Maybe I won't ever juice fast again, might be fun to try a week or two of eating very small quantities of easily digestible raw fruits and veggies, a really gentle, not really a fast I guess, but a gentle house cleaning.

Then last night I kinda went crazy on the food. Brenda and Kris made this gorgeous spread of raw snacks and I tried everything, it felt great. Alcohol of all kinds tasted terrible, especially beer. I couldn't drink more than half of one! Incredible, that's never happened to me before. My body was clearly saying, "NO, can't handle that yet." It didn't taste anything like beer, more like...ear wax. Horribly bitter, with a lot of fizz that burned my tongue. Then we went to the film finals and I ate too much popcorn, felt not so good, went to Brendas again and had a piece of pie, still not feeling good. My eating, combined with the whole film thing being over (and we did not win anything, large or small), made me feel so empty and low. Haven't felt that hollow in a long time. I couldn't stay at the party, all my energy was gone. A weird, sad experience. I wake up today feeling better, but still sad that both the fast and the film are over. I didn't go out drinking with my team before of after, for various reasons (buses not running, the show taking over 3 hours due to technical difficulties, Brenda's party) so there's no sense of closure. The other films we were competing against were incredible, can't fucking believe this stuff was made in 48 hours, so really it was an honor just to make it to the finals, but now it's over, these people are probably out of my life for a while (will definitely keep in touch for future products, but don't feel like making the effort to have a whole new group of friends), and winter has arrived. It's cold, Christopher is moving back to the US, people are breaking up and having babies....What seemed so exciting last week now sounds wistful and lonely in the mood of today.

It will all change back, these things always do, but this is where I am now, so this is what I see. I would like to be more useful to the world, that would change everything. World, I am at your service, what would you like me to learn and see and do? I don't have any clear direction but am working hard at not putting myself down so that I can be more receptive to all the ideas and opportunities swirling around. Just give me a sign. Ignoring the temp agencies phone calls because these temp jobs make me put myself into a smaller box than I can fit into, if I spend all day filing I start thinking that's all I can do.

Maybe this coming period I will spend some time doing things I think I'd be bad at. Maybe I'm good at one of them, or at least interested in it. Just looking for that spark to get the machine started again. Time to eat healthy small portions, exercise, get some sunlight on my skin, and talk to positive energetic people. In moderation, can't be getting all superior or enlightened or some shit :)