A Lumpy Heart

So much for a slowed down lifestyle. I wasn't even going to GO out last night. I was feeling real good after African dance though, and decided to use up the last of our free bar tab (won from a quiz night due to the fine mental skillz of Mr Benjamin). Then Ben, Clodagh and I were still in a partying mood when everyone split up at 10:30, so we went back to Clo's and danced and drank and ate chocolate. We all ended up sleeping there. Somehow I won the rights to all of Clodagh's bed, while the 2 of them crashed in the living room. I'm certainly not complaining.

I had a low moment though. Francisco dropped us all off at the "supi" (someone called the supermarket that last week and I just about punched them) and C was trying to convince him to come out with us. I could just tell he wasn't going to budge, he sounded a little weird, so I said my goodbyes and jumped out of the car. C was upset with me for telling him not to go out and I started feeling really bad about the whole thing. It didn't feel like I had done anything rude, but I was a little drunk, so not sure exactly what I sounded like. I was about ready right then and there to just walk home and forget the whole partying thing. Instead I decided to call him, and I'm so glad I did. Sometimes I forget that things will occasionally be strange. We're going to have a lunch date as a nice little release, I keep seeing him in big group settings and there is a backlog of private things to talk about. He seems to be taking this a little worse than me, which is probably the strangest feeling of all.

:(


I'm just realizing talking to C last night was the first time since the first couple weeks of the break up that I've really talked about things with anyone. I don't feel like I'm bottling things up, but there's something off here. It felt really good to talk. I'm both close and far with so many people right now, the more I talk to Francisco, the more I realize just how much better he knows me than anyone else out there. Outside of family of course.

Man, I sure feel weird today. This is one of those entries I probably shouldn't even post, but I'm going to anyway, because if I start drawing the line here, where do I stop? I have a faint line in erasable pen at sexually explicit stuff and racism, but those pens are pretty crappy.