Abdominal Disfigurement

I think there's more than one stage of baby longing. The first stage Zoe probably started on when she was about 2 years old, and is a sharp urge, no thinking, a pure quick emotional gust of longing. I used to feel it in my uterus starting at about the age of 21. Over the past few months I've graduated into the second stage, which feels more reasonable. It's the, Could I be in this for life? When is a good time to start? Soon soon soon? sort of thought pattern. I'm not writing this well, but I guess you could say it's mellowed into a more reasonable, but almost constant, background urge. One moored more in logic and planning, though still obviously mostly emotional because, really, who would want a baby if they didn't feel that emotion? It's not a reasonable thing to do for those of us without land or inheritance issues. The third stage would obviously be when you're actively trying for conception. I feel confident I will be in that stage within the next 5 years. Seriously, I want a baby before I'm 30. I'm not being reasonable at all here now, and everyone says wait, wait, but I keep reading horror stories about women who waited too long and then developed a health problem, or had some rogue doctor remove their ovaries, and I find myself thinking, "This is much too important to wait much longer for." Also, all the celebrities my age are having babies now, which I would too if I had millions of dollars, and I'm sooooo jealous. Ha! I'm jealous of their babies, and not that they're famous. This is a change. I'm going to pause for a moment and savor this new feeling

...

Oh but you're broke and not in a stable relationship Vanessa. You have no career. Look, let's make a deal. Stop all this traveling around, save several thousand dollars, stop renting expensive apartments in inner cities, and settle into a more stable life pattern for a couple of years. Then we can talk.

Maybe I should start up a daycare service. If I can think of a cool, progressive way to do it I just might

God, I'm so sick of being responsible. It's exhausting sometimes. I always study for my tests, plan financial expenditures way in advance, worry, shave my legs before wearing a dress, buy birthday presents, call my mom, have a salad every day, pay my bills on time. For once I wish I could be one of those stupid girls that acts with her heart and gets into trouble later. All the people who "messed up their lives" already have babies. This paragraph is one of the most annoying things I've ever written. I'm kind of enjoying it. I'm enjoying being unsatisfied and envious of lives that are probably much more difficult than my charmed existence. Here we go channeling Francisco again. I wonder if he knows how much he's influenced me.

Woo! Seriously though, I'm happy with my life. All the ways in which it could improve are totally attainable and that is a good place to be. I could be pregnant within a couple months if I wanted to. I could be in the US tomorrow. I could be back in school in September. I could be talking to you right now. Saying it like this makes me relax because if it can happen so quickly, then I can wait. Patience appears when the apparent effort required diminishes