Alumni

Today I have decided that I am beginning a mission of eliminating the resentment and pessimism I feel towards MIT. It's not completely unrelated from my new year's resolution to eliminate jealousy towards other people, because it is mostly based on the jealousy I feel towards most other MIT alumni. It doesn't make sense, it's a manifestation of an internal state, and no one cares about it except me. It's a waste of time, as are many things I occupy my time with.

When I see a postcard from MIT asking me for money, or a newsletter from my program of study telling me about all the exciting research going on, I am filled with rage and disgust. If I had a gun I would shoot the mail until the writing was illegible. I often find myself thinking, "Why the hell would I give you bastards money, you did nothing for me."

The above paragraph is illogical. It has gotten to this point over time due to my inability to find a job and a career based on academic credentials, and my subsequent self-loathing. Finding a job is not a "fair" experience. It is due to commitment, almost an obsessive manic spirit. People who are successful job hunters are persistent and aggressive. Or they know someone. Almost no one I know has been a dream ideal candidate and therefore quickly successful in the advertised job market. Either they knew someone, or they methodically applied for months and months, sometimes getting follow up calls half a year later.

So this year, I am going to love MIT again. Because there is some amazing stuff going on there. And because I met the person I love the best in the whole world there. And because I now think I can learn anything or go anywhere. And because I was first exposed to alternate lifestyles there. Because I learned to cook for a crowd, enjoy a lecture, design a theatre set, and recruit psychology subjects. Because it exposed me to command line operating systems (scary!) and people nerdier than me, and crazy painted walls, and how to properly gut and remodel a room. I'm so sorry MIT. I'm crying right now at the hatred I've felt for you. It's not your fault that I've hated or lost myself for so many years, or that I first found depression while living within your borders. I forgive you. Someday I'll have money and give some to you. I'll give some to charities, and some to savings, and the rest to my children.

I am a complete nut. The keyboard is wet but god I feel so good right now. This is that thing they call a breakthrough. I carry so much crap around with me, but I don't want any of it anymore. I want things to be hard, and I want to succeed. I want so many things! For too long I've felt bad that a person this intelligent would want such basic things as marriage, property in the country, children, and close neighbors. How I ever got it in my head that wanting what everyone else wants is beneath me is absurd. I have been beyond arrogance, too good to be part of the human race, too good to apply for jobs or commit to one training program. Too good to watch tv even, sometimes. If only you knew how much of a snob I've been....

But no. I'm being too hard on myself again. Let's not take anything away from this breakthrough. Let's leave as the sad and beautiful thing it is.

Crashing Jeanne's hens night in wine country this weekend was wonderful, but I don't feel like talking about it now. I think the pictures will speak for themselves though.