Bear with me while I revisit 21

I'm in the middle of one of Meredith's books (#2 of 3 fantastic jewels under my bed), and it's really the perfect type of book for me: The philosophical fantasy adventure. Also the protagonist is a doctoral student with various strategies for surviving on a few bucks a week whilst having various sex-capades, an appealing sort of person to me. A) Because I don't have a messed up sex life or unhealthy relationships and, much more importantly, B) Being a doctoral student is one of my deepest and well hidden fantasies. It's that life I didn't choose, the one I was bred for (makes me sound like a horse to say it like that).

Alright, I'm being a little dramatic. I wasn't bred for anything, I certainly didn't have the sort of upper middle class magnet school upbringing a lot of my classmates at MIT had. But I am the oldest child. And not only that, the oldest cousin. Once upon a time there was a lot of pride heaped upon my shoulders. Everyone thought I was going to be great. I was a smart kid. No genius, but quick, and a good entertainer (until puberty caught up with me). So one of the corners of my triangle is an ambitious achiever with lifelong exposure to academia. The second corner fantasizes about living in a utopia, an ecovillage full of like-minded individuals that hosts educational workshops and relaxing retreats whilst practicing and surviving on the permaculture way of life. Naked babies run around. People take drugs for spiritual enlightenment, in healthy warm environments. A whole educational system following the Circle School (Harrisburg, PA) form of education is formed for the myriad children of the greater community. The third point looks upon the utopia with pessimistic practicality, and the ambitious academic with forlorn failure, and, lacking a strong desire to make much of any choice, becomes an administrator. It doesn't really matter in what industry, because all administrators, personal assistants, executive assistants, and receptionists have the same job.

I know this is the central dilemma in my life. I always come back to it when I'm having philosophical thoughts. I can see it more for what it is these days, the discord between what I "should" have been (You're WASTING your EDUCATION!), what I fantasize about, and the sad reality of running in circles. It's not quite that simple, because what I fantasize about is not even necessarily what I want. I like to think of the utopia as an easy out, a "Well this is what I really want and it is impossible, so I don't have to choose to do anything because there's nothing else I really want." But being able to think about the whole stupid issue rationally does not make the pain any less sharp. I can listen and understand Kris' easy philosophy of, "You don't have to pick any one thing, do whatever you want, change careers 5 times, but just have fun." until my eyes bug out, but understanding something does not mean actually living it. We all know that! That's why so much education fails. You really have to live it, and come across it again on your own, before it has enough power over you to change your life. Most words have so little power, whizzing about in the air and raining down upon thousands, until they find the perfect target to stick on and stay.

I was wrong, there is a fourth corner to my triangle. The corner that says maybe the perfect situation will fall into my lap sometime soon. A friend of a friend will be impressed by my analytical abilities, my way with language, my philosophical musings, and give me a job that will eventually lead to better and better jobs, taking full advantage of my mind. A position that helps people, and uses science, and utopian ideals. It won't be an instant success of course, but I will have the foresight to see that the first job will be a door to a new universe, one with meaning and goals. It will be very hard work, maybe starting off with crappy hours, tedious tasks or low pay, but will quickly be promoted to new jobs that don't even have definitions they are so new. The kind of jobs I will be inventing as I go along, jobs that don't exist yet in 2008. A job that lets me take 6 month spiritual journeys every few years, that understands and supports a mother's desire to raise her children when they are very young.

Who am I kidding, this is starting to sound even more utopian than the utopia!

Anyway, since these corners of the (square) triangle are all unsatisfying in one way or another, I am going to return to school as a physician's assistant or nutritionist very soon, as soon as I find a good, scientifically rigorous program. It's yet another compromise, but one done with forethought. It's kind of a compromise between a compromise (secretary) and an ideal (ambitious academic): An ipromise? comprodeal? COMPRIDEAL. That's it, that's the new word for 2008. A strategic career or life move taking advantage both of practicality and ideals. Kind of like marriage.

It's funny that the rest of my life keeps getting better and better: My relationship, friends, and way of life outside of work are awesome. I'm surrounded by so much love. I get to travel and go on adventures, I'm getting better and better at interacting in social situations without alcohol, I'm starting to really enjoy just listening to people, I have great realistic fantasies about having a baby, I'm getting better and better about my health, I went to yoga twice this week, my friends are all achieving great things and are super talented people, I'm getting better at dancing, poi, performance, humor.... It's this one niggling area that keeps getting worse and worse while everything else rockets off into a dazzling future. It sounds ridiculous when I put it like this doesn't it. A) Because I shouldn't be complaining about a golden life like this and B) Because I obviously have the tools available for change, why can't I apply it to CAREER?

Obviously this whole "society expects you to go to college and "succeed" thing isn't working for humanity. We need to get rid of it before we infect a new generation with inadequacy.