Minor eruptions on the surface of life

Another well written, profound statement on the sign in front of Wishbone this morning

Hmmm, it was so profound I've forgotten it already. Something like, "Where people meet and have good times, food is found." I'm not making it sound any more awkward than it was. And in a shop yesterday, I saw a tshirt that had another Wishbone-ism on it: "Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate!" Yuck. Damn you and your signs Wishbone

I've been really cranky and feeling bad about myself this week. I have zits and gas and feel fat. My clothes are all shrinking and look old. I've been trying to make shopping more fun (only go to one store a day, pick up 2 sizes of each item and don't look at the size tag when I try them on, treat the event as a 20 minute reward rather than an epic mission, etc) so that I actually end up buying something new that I look good in, but it's hard in NZ. The stores with higher quality clothes are very intimidating to me. The prices are a lot higher than at home, and they tend to be very small, with 3 sales staff and 0 customers, a situation I find extremely awkward. The stores I feel more comfortable in are not so great. I finally found a shirt in one of them yesterday though. I'm wearing it today and already feel better. It's very long, which is the only type of shirt I'm buying from now on, and it has gold metallic thread woven in it, so it's sparkly and dressy. The kind of shirt I need, one I can wear to work and then out to the bar after work. The ideal shirt. I still dream about finding the ideal shoes - dressy for work, comfortable enough to dance in and spend all night in after work, fairly conservative neutral coloring but with a funky hint of awesome up close, flexible, soft edges, flat or small heel, do not shift or slip or rub even slightly no matter what I do in them, not slippery on the bottom, a bit of arch support, and does not absorb foot stink. Easy. I once found shoes here that came pretty close, they had red stitching around the edge, were black and sturdy with only a bit more heel than I like, but they were $490. That is not acceptable.

I actually felt so bad about myself this weekend that I was unable to make myself leave the house until I had dyed my hair and shaved my legs. Usually it's easy to just pull on a pair of sweats and go, but I found myself sweating as I approached the door. A popular ghost had his hands around my neck, choking me.

I hope I feel better soon. I hope I stop eating buns and fries and chocolate soon. I hope I get my _____ soon. I've still been getting good amounts of exercise every day, so that's something. And I have a haircut tomorrow. And the pimples look better. I'll go to yoga tonight, and then maybe see my friends afterwards. I'm aware that everything will be ok soon, which is one of the biggest differences between me now and me 5 years ago, but it's tedious that it continues to happen, regardless of my vows and efforts to uphold a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes when I think about becoming a nutrition consultant I want to say sod it all, it's no use because you're either preaching to the choir or lecturing people who don't have the means or will power to change their situation. I mean, if I keep failing, whose to blame a broke woman with 4 kids and 30 years of the worst habits from failing? The more I think about lifestyle choices, the more interested I become in the psychology of choices and the less interested in trying to fix people

I'm glad I resolved to love MIT again, because I means I'm able to read Technology Review. It's a really good magazine. It's like science fiction but it's real. And it's mine free, for life. No matter where I move, it always manages to find me. I just finished the last 2 issues and feel invigorated by the future. It's nice to have realistic hope for amazing things. It's taken me 5 years, but I'm ready to embrace technology and problem solving again. I might buy one of those physics video lectures advertised in the last issue, and I'll understand it no matter HOW fat I am!