I'm actually planning my future

I was starting to get worried about the direction my life will head in if I enter a doctoral program in naturopathic medicine next year. Well, first off, I'll be way in debt. But second and more important, I won't be able to have a baby for the next eight years or so, if I want to establish my career after graduating. Francisco said, "So what?" You'll be 35. That's how old Kris is NOW. It's not the end of the world.

He's right, it's not. Also, I think I was substituting having a baby for having other engaging interests. Let's face it, I haven't extensively pursued any interests since graduating FIVE YEARS AGO. This is a major turning point for me, and I'm pretty excited about the idea. Debt schmedt, right? The more I read about Naturopathic physicians, the more I realize it's what I've been looking for all this time. I wish I knew who that guy at Leila's was who suggested it.

The really weird thing about all this is I'm really excited about things being difficult. I've missed hard work a lot. I wasn't ready for it before, but I am now. Comparing this round of school research with the last round as a high school student, it's almost laughable how much more I want things now. I was afraid to ask people questions back then, and made a lot of decisions blindly. Now I want to talk to everyone. I sent an email to someone through the MIT career advice alumni network, and Dad is going to connect me with his acupunturist, who he thinks is a really intelligent guy.

I don't think this career path dovetails from my former aspirations to live a little off the grid someday, either. Someone with my training would be really useful in an intentional community. Plus, if I work hard for a decade maybe I'll actually have enough fundage to make it a reality.

I'm not sure how savings will ever figure into all of this, assuming it'll take a decade to pay off those massive loans. Maybe it's for the best that I can't have children. If enough of my friends and relatives have kids, I could be that awesome aunty. Maybe that's enough. Or maybe I'll adopt a kid when I'm in my forties. There are a lot of options. That is what it means to be white, educated, and American: Options. I am grateful for the choices I get to make. Just last week it seemed like a curse. If I were hungry and dirt poor, I wouldn't have to think about all this stuff. I could kick myself now for thinking that way.

Things are really really great. I had a nice lunch and afternoon chat with my Nanna and Pop-pop yesterday. They have interesting things to say when I pay attention. I'm sorry to hear Nanna is having troublesome health issues, but at least her mind is still sharp. It's comforting to see that all 4 of my grandparents have managed to maintain clarity of mind, outside of minor memory troubles. I am likely to have diabetes, high blood pressure, or breast cancer, but not Alzheimers.