Painererer

I ache today. Not from yoga last night. That was awesome. I'm on a free week of yoga, and my body feels really good. But my heart aches. Every job rejection chips another piece off. People tell me I'm great, that they like me, that they're excited by my passion, my goals, my education. And then....nothing. It's really hard for me to keep going (with the job search, not my life). I find myself thinking that maybe I need to go through this in order to really value what I do, to not take anything for granted. But, since I don't believe in destiny or god lessons, that's probably something my nicer mind has made up to make me feel better. Aw. She's nice. She wants me to feel good, to be inspired, to think I'm great.

I'm having a hard time writing this, it's too painful. Guess I'll just keep plodding away. I can't talk to my mom right now, it'll make me start crying. When I feel good, she's great, and when I have a problem, she helps, but when it's a wall like this, I can't handle her. She gives me a lot of "what-ifs," but I don't want to contemplate them. She tells me I'm great and will do amazing things, but that won't penetrate right now, and might even make me pissed off about this "unfair" situation. I just want to feel sad for a while and not have to make any decisions.

I walked and walked during lunch today. Actually it was before lunch. The fire alarm went off and I walked out of the building and kept on walking until I hit Trader Joe's. I came back just in time for a meeting I had forgotten about. I forgot to eat lunch until now. I feel out of it and sad. I'll probably lose weight this week, cancel plans, and not be able to smell. My friends and family are alive and well, so it's pretty ridiculous that I'm acting like somebody died.

I did think of something good today though. Usually I envy people who have already gotten their higher degrees and are able to do their dream jobs, but today I remembered that they are done with school, and that I am not. I love school, and I get to do it again. If it wasn't financially reckless I'd take my time to finish. I can't wait to be a student again. Someday.....

Everytime someone from my Long Island past joins the McCain/Palin support groups on Facebook, it twists my heart a little more.

Pain Ratio
1 Job rejection =
3 discoveries of Palinites =
3 hugs, a yoga class, 2 cats & 5 Joe laughs to repair