Repeat

Huh weird, I'm in almost the same position as the last time I blogged, and that was 3 weeks ago. Drinking tea, feeling sad and poor. Too too poor. I don't know what to do, but my job is the opposite of a stable organized situation. This is making me a little nuts. I'm finally happy with my work, but I'm barely/sporadically getting paid. My boss is out for 2 weeks, and I have $55 left until she returns to pay me again. Dad emailed me to let me know I'm not getting presents from the greater Speed family for Christmas, and that I don't have to get anyone anything. Somehow that makes me feel even worse, even though it's what I wanted since I can't afford anything. Seriously, who wants to see an email that says that? I'm trapped trapped trapped. So many things I want to do (take classes, do yoga, eat out, go away on weekends...) and I can't do any of it. Poverty jail.

Listening to music from college, watching the evening sky, eating leftover turkey in my salad. Things could be worse. They could always be worse.

I'm about to get my period, that's probably part of the problem. I overindulged yesterday. I felt sick, sore throat, weak, tired. I thought I was getting a cold, but it seems more like my body is just weak from misuse, PMS and stress.

I really really am hating this holiday season. It makes me sick, the shopping frenzy. I hated it before NZ, but I hate even more now that I've lived somewhere without the chaos. I miss it. Things are really fucked up here. A Walmart employee on Long Island fucking died in the early morning sales rush today. How's that for a way to die.
"Items on sale at the Wal-Mart store included a $798 Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28, a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69 and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9."

AAAAAHHHHHHHH! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fucknuts. I wish I had a dancing Santa to spit on, kick around, smash up. All throwing it into a corner, an extreme closeup as it repeats ho-ho-ho but all fucked up like, slowing down, its light flickering on and off, the pitch getting lower and lower and then finally, nothing. It stops moving. Lights out. The end.

That's better, I needed to vent. Sorry for the joy break. Things will be ok soon.