Open Sesame

Kris and I just watched this crappy movie, We Don't Live Here Anymore, about these 2 married couples sleeping with each other and dealing with the problems that go along with that, and it made me feel so much better. What a crappy movie. Sometimes watching overly serious people and their bad decisions really hits the spot.

Also, this week's horoscope (not the too-wise-for-its-own-good Rob Brezny one. The other crappier one, that's printed in the Guardian): You are riding down the streets of the bad neighborhoods of your own mind, Aquarius, and you'd better be careful. Instead of freaking out, try some optimism, or at the very least think of a way out of your situation. A new perspective can change your moods and even your outcomes this week.

With the above in mind, I'm going to try something a little different than usual. Instead of burrowing deeper into my miserly frugal hermit shell, I'm going to send some money to Meals on Wheels of SF, and try to open my heart a little. If the frugal attitude of my boss disrupts this openness, I'll leave my job. I took this job for more than money, obviously (or I wouldn't have turned down that sweet CPMC offer), but it still has to be able to sustain me. People work for money. If I wanted to be poor and pursue greater goals, I'd go back to school or perhaps embark on a traveling adventure. Staying in one place and working full-time is supposed to bring a different sort of reward. It doesn't have to be this hard.

Sometimes I feel like I'm struggling against my true existence. Every time I try something different, that also feels like a struggle, albeit a new kind of one. I guess I won't know what the right way is unless I keep trying different things. I'm definitely leaning away from counsel-based health care at the moment. Maybe it's time to stop trying to be social, and start being authentic. I love big picture theorizing (health care policy/law/advocation), and I love working on my own (research, construction, the outdoors). I love creating and admiring beauty (film, nature, music) and making people laugh -hey, I forgot, my plan had been to audition for an improv troupe upon SF return.

I feel good. There are a lot of good events coming up this week and next. My heart is going wa wa wa. Time to call mom.