awesome is as awesome does

You know what would be awesome? Getting a motherfuckin paycheck. I've been waiting for this one for 13 days now. Tomorrow it'll be time to submit the next timesheet. Desperate times man. Normally I'd be a little more chill about it, but this month's different. This is the month I need to find a new home. I am 2 steps from homeless, and 0 steps from single. That's right, internet: Vanessa is back on the market.

Not really, I don't actually want to be on any sort of market for a long while. My heart hurts, like the skin of it was gently sloughed off with a fine cheese grater. I don't feel like eating, or reading. I'm paying careful attention to everything that happens, because I want to remember. I want every moment of this ordeal to be in vibrant memory.

Gotta find a place to live. Gotta get paid. Gotta think gotta think, if I just think a little harder and a little longer everything will be clear. A crystal clear unsentimental snapshot of a perfectly ordinary life, on a remarkably beautiful planet.

Not sure if I should post this. It's kinda gauche to write these things down. Too soon too soon.

Ahahaha, it's a few hours later and I just found a picture of this guy I used to have domestic, non-sexual fantasies about in high school (we'd be picnicing, or snuggling, or hanging out together on our porch). He is totally huge now. He was this little skinny thing back in the day, and kinda dorky, just like I like 'em. Now he looks like a drinkin businessman. I don't know why this is cheering me up, but I'm gonna go with it.

Looking forward to meditating on the bart ride home. It's my favorite thing to do these days. Sometimes I start crying, and I carefully observe and appreciate the emotions unfolding. It's a nice thing to do. Even nicer than treating myself to a cupcake. Which is awesome, I'm always on the lookout for chocolate substitutions.

Happy spring, everyone. I look forward to reaching out to many of you with the mountains of free time I have headed my way. I plan on spending the entire summer outdoors, so if that's your boat, give me a ring a ling.