Stuck in bed

I feel drained today. I need to back away and realize it's ok not to get all the important shit done right away. I've been on the run for too long, and this morning it's all hitting me how much my life is changing. I feel really sad, for the neat easy way I overlooked her gradual deterioration, for not visiting her during her last few hours, and for myself, for the precarious financial situation I find myself in. There are a lot of people to break the bad news to. I did it a few times yesterday, and quickly moved a tissue box to the front of my desk. It's a really painful thing to tell someone. I don't want to be the bad guy! How do ER docs do it?

I didn't sign up for this. I don't want this. I'm so tired. I woke up ass early again today, and have been sitting in bed in my pjs ever since. I really don't want to go to work again. I don't know what to do for any situation anymore. We don't know where to take payment, what to tell new patients, how to pay for labs, how to pay for me, or what our legal standing is. We're trying to create a new system, and assume the old incorporation is dead, but new systems take time and money. The phone rang off the hook yesterday. At one point I had to break the news to her best friend from med school.

I need to regroup and center. I need to take time for myself. I can't do this, I can't do this. I can, I can do this. I'm doing my best.