Local Matters

I miss!

2010-01-20T22:14:00.000-08:00

I miss writing to no one. I think I'm going to do that for a while.

Blog Break!

...to be continued?

Singing

2010-01-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

As someone who can't remember ever having a problem singing in tune, I've never quite understood why so many people with good musical appreciation and understanding tend to sing off key, even after singing part of a song correctly. I just came across an interesting explanation for why this may happen:

"One thing that I think contributes to people singing out of tune is the perpetrators are aware of the contour of the melody they are trying to sing -- where it goes up and where it goes down -- but when they reach the limits of their vocal range (or, often, just what they think or fear is the limits of their vocal range) they adjust all the notes accordingly so that they fit within what feels like a comfortable range. This results in fewer notes outside that comfort range -- which the singer fears would sound bad -- but a whole lot of notes that are in a different key from where the song
started.

This could make for pleasing -- or at least interesting -- harmony, but only if sung (you guessed it) with confidence and commitment. Sadly, what usually happens is the person who has departed from the traditional melody doesn't realize that is what he (oh, what the heck, let's call him "he") has done, but is vaguely aware that the new notes he is singing aren't the same as the ones everyone else is (or the notes aren't "going with" the accompaniment*) and loses confidence, and starts singing notes at random trying desperately to find one that doesn't "feel funny". It is that panic-stricken scramble to find a "good" note that the outside listener perceives as unpleasant, much more than any of the particular notes that are found." - Joshua Raoul Brody

I've never thought of things quite this way before and think it's a satisfying explanation. Thanks BATS Improv.

right side face bias

2010-01-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

According to the pop science magazine, Psychology Today, people notice the right side of your face the most, so much so, that a picture of the right side of your face put together with its mirror image looks more like you than 2 left halves put together. This is because people/primates look first at the top left of their visual field.

However, when we see ourselves, it's almost always in a reflection. Do we check ourselves out mostly on the left side? If so, I would expect the reverse to be true when judging ourselves as opposed to others, and that 2 left halves put together would look the most like ourselves. Unless there's some sort of examination bias when we check our own faces out.

My face is my face. Those 2 right halves or 2 left halves of the face games always freak me out. It was part of my favorite exhibit at the science museum as a kid. There was another station that would age your face and that I found very compelling, although the results left much to be desired. I'm sure face aging technology has advanced since the early nineties though.

Hey, will there be a website that lets you turn your face into an Avatar alien? Spread the eyes apart, do a bunch of color correcting, sharpen the ears, give you a sensing braid/penis hairdo? That would be rad.

2009-12-29T07:57:00.000-08:00

I just watched the South Park episode, "Dances with Smurfs," in preparation for Avatar viewing later today. Right now the biggest decision I have to make is whether I eat pizza or cinnamon toast crunch for breakfast. Aw yeah, vacation.

We spent yesterday in NYC wandering around until my sisters and I decided we couldn't take any more tourist crowds and split off to have a beer at a Rockefeller center brew house. That sort of prepared us for the surreal alternate reality that is the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular. So many legs and time steps. Glitter and Santa Clauses. Some sheep and 3 camels... wait, what? I think I've had my Rockettes fill for the decade.

I am ready to return to my life! Mom's bf and his daughters took off to get breakfast bagels, and Mom is at work, so I have a moment of solitude here, the first one since I arrived. Ahhhhhhhhh. I can't wait to see Erik tomorrow. We have specacular nye plans lined up, but as long as I get some quality snuggles, I don't care what we do. A conversation with someone that doesn't need general life updates, a hot tub, and super-freezing temperatures would be nice too.

Stomach grumbles. Time for cinammon toast crunch AND reheated pizza! No, I do NOT need to poop this week, leave me be, 'tis vacation time.

Changing communication behaviour

2009-12-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

My new droid phone is changing the way I treat various modes of communication. You can now leave me a voicemail message from this very blog! Scroll down to the bottom of the sidebar to do it.

I also: don't check my email at the computer most of the time, treat facebook and twitter differently, and hide certain types emails from myself until I have a relaxing moment to go through them. Maybe this fancy google wave thing will change my behaviour on group projects. We'll see.

(It's the future and stuff.)

Today is a day is today.

2009-12-07T13:59:00.000-08:00

We bottled the xmas beer yesterday. It's gonna sit in the bottles for a couple weeks, and then will be ready for sharing. Ok, so we need a label for it. I'm thinking something along the lines of a drunk reindeer drinking from a giant glass of beer. Does anyone like to draw things like that? Also, what should we call the beer?

Reindeer Ale
Reindeer Fizz
Reindeer Foam
Erik & Vanessa's Holiday Brew
Ho ho I don't know....

I had 2 good conversations today that made me very happy. I declare today, Things That Matter day. A time for talking about important things, a day for deleting mental lists of unimportant things and focusing on the good stuff.

Puddin made some tasty lasagna for house dinner last night. I am going to eat some now. Then I will continue studying hormones and the menstrual cycle, get a stylish haircut from the puddin, and, most definitely, play with my new Droid phone for a couple hours. That thing is rad. It just whispered an enticing "Droid." to me right now, letting me know it had something wonderful in store for me if only I activated its sensitive touch screen and looked inside. Oh Droid, you are technology and I am ok with that. Let's do fabulous things together. Best present ever, thanks man. I foresee my web presence heightening in the days to come. How can I resist twitter when it comes in such a colorful app on my home screen? What is to prevent me from scanning every bar code I see, when to do so pulls up search results reviewing the product? What is a girl to do, in a world where her phone can tell her what song is playing better than any human could? If the phone could offer love, there would be no more need for other people.

Fall dee dall

2009-11-24T11:46:00.000-08:00

It is definitely Fall. No matter how independent I may seem to be from the inexorable cycling of our planet, when fall is well underway I slow way down. I am stuck in a zone of cuddling and root vegetables. I don't feel the need to get hyped up on caffeine. It's not worth the effort. I don't crave excitement or flirtatious encounters, parties or inebriation. I'm more for the napping, movies, hot tubs and crafting end of the spectrum.

This is my slow and uninteresting fall entry for the week. Dig in, because it's what you're gonna be getting for the next few months. I don't have any desire to inspire or amaze. I'll be making crab cakes with Erik for thanksgiving. Ooooh. Aaaahhh. His parents will continue to find me friendly, and afterwards we'll play some beatles rock band with them. Can you stand the excitement!?

Oh, I guess one kind of exciting thing is that last week I got to go to a live studio taping of Important Things with Demetri Martin. For some unclear reason I got a production VIP ticket, which allowed me to cut hundreds of people in line and sit front and center in the studio. Look for me in the audience when it airs in February. Also, I volunteered at BATS improv in SF this weekend, further digging my fingers into the local improv community. And finally, we transferred our brewing belgian ale to a smaller carboy, to continue on with the fermentation for a while longer before doing the final fermentation in the bottles (I believe it's called bottle conditioning). Erik is documenting the process here. I like beer. You'll be allowed to taste this batch round about xmas.

Oh, also, my sister Kate is now dating this guy we went to high school with, that neither of us had seen in close to a decade. It reminds me of when Mr. Kapiloff used to yammer on in social studies class about how we'll all end up married to someone who grew up within 5 miles of where we grew up. There's no way that's going to happen to me, but who knows, Kate may be able to rock this fake fact from a chatty Jewish high school teacher. I like it.

Relations

2009-11-12T23:07:00.000-08:00

Oh, relationships. It's really hard to find the correct balance. I want independence and passion for things outside of it, and obviously I want these things for my compatriot as well, but I also want, well, you know, girl things. I don't want to feel like I'm forgotten about between weekends. Just a mini check-in, a, "how are you doing?" would be nice. Sometimes I think Erik likes me so much because I pretend to be cooler than I really am, a carefree and passionate independent lady who touches down on his base now and again for silly fun times before wheeling off into my busy life. Really, I just hold back because I know how he feels about consuming relationships, about how BAD co-dependence is, about how he will always be involved in several different consuming projects that siphon off most of his passion. And of course I understand. I mean, part of the reason I love him is because of his creative and ridiculously giddy drive to make things. It's friggin awesome. I've never spent so much time with a real maker. I guess Audrey is the closest I've come :) And it's so not part of my nature, and I admire it deeply. BUT. But but but. It's been 4 months. I can't be cool for much longer. I don't know what I want, but this is leaning a bit too much to one side. I always forget about these feelings when I'm with him during the weekend, because we're having a great time, but it often starts to creep in on Tuesday or Weds evening, and hits me full steam Thursday night. It is 11:14pm on a Thursday night, and I am sitting in my bed in a bathrobe trying to figure out what it is that will make me happy, where the correct balance is, what brings me the most joy.

This is a good time of year to be asking these questions. It's dark and colder (kinda lukewarm, which is almost as bad as it gets these parts). I miss the sun. I'm eating more and huddling in my bed for hours each evening. It doesn't help that 2 of my classes didn't meet this week. Too much time on my hands to obsessively think about money and relationships.

Oh man, it's like he's psychic, he totally just texted me. And there's the call....Oh dude, he's coming by and taking me to his place and we're gonna work from home together tomorrow. Do you know what this means!?!?!

It means I am happy. :)))))) And, I haven't gotten sick this season. Healthy miracle of miracles, for someone who works in a doctor's office. Actually, the creepiest sign got posted downstairs in the acupuncture clinic. There's one of those big red circles with a line through it, enclosing the word "flu." The sign says no one with symptoms of a respiratory infection may enter, that they will prescribe herbal immune-boosting supplements for you but will not treat you if you have flu-like symptoms. We kinda wanted to add an addendum to the sign saying, "Please continue on upstairs for treatment."

I find flu paranoia fascinating. I haven't had the flu since I was a child (I must've had it at least once during my childhood???) and am not totally sure what it feels like, but the fact that I never catch it makes me particularly blase about the whole thing....I totally deserve to catch it now. C'mon sickies, do your worst! Let's share a beverage and stick our fingers in each other's mouths. Viral porn, the latest and greatest sub-sub-genre in the world of kink. No, but seriously, most people I know are in their 20s and 30s, with no immune-compromising issues. What is with the hyped-up fear? I don't get it. We're not going to be hospitalized if it happens. As long as we have a willing slave to bring home soup and tea and large-font magazines, what can go wrong?

WHAT CAN GO WRONG INTERNET? I HAVEN'T KNOCKED ON A WOODEN SURFACE ONCE DURING THIS POST, BUT HEY, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN, ON THIS DAY 18 DAYS BEFORE MY HEALTH INSURANCE KICKS IN?

Ok, time to change out of this bathrobe and into something car-ride appropriate. Hallelujah, it's a fine day to be alive.

Track, On

2009-10-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

I continue to be on track. I went to the improv jam this weekend. I was glued to the wall a bit, but I still participated. It will only get easier from here.

This weekend I also: went dancing, sat in Dolores park watching the Blue Angels, hung out with Audrey, got a little bit sick, rode a merry-go-round, talked about astrology a lot, volunteered, gave and received 50 kisses, had a hangover, took 2 naps, ate Ethiopian, watched Planet Earth, went to John's party, jumped on the trampoline on John's roof, finished a book, started a book, talked to my Grandma, thought about the endocrine system, thought about relationships, and felt really really good.

I will now go to bed, and get 8.5 hours sleep, in a further attempt to keep any and all sickness at bay.

Pressure

2009-09-30T21:36:00.001-07:00

Today I learned how to take blood pressure readings. We did a lab on muscle fatigue, and one of the steps was to "use the automatic blood pressure/pulse machine." But we are city college and too broke ass for that sort of equipment, so we had to learn how to use manual cuffs on the fly. Good thing one of the people in my group is a medical assistant. It was a piece of cake. I kinda want to get my own cuff and stethoscope and give people blood pressure readings at events.

Also today I got to talk to England on the phone. It was all like, fuh fuh harumph fuh fuh. Liver, potatoes.

No, not really. Actually it sounded a lot like Erik. Whodathunk?

Now I am going to eat Tim Tams and tea. Thanks Allen and Sarah!

I am back on track and feeling good again. The party was silly and chill for the most part, and I feel more like one of the gang now. I didn't go nuts, and instead spent most of Sunday studying (after the first 4 hours when I was totally drunk on mimosas. well, I started off with mimosas and ended up chugging sparkling wine from the bottle. oj only gets in the way sometimes.) I definitely aced that test. Now I can focus on some improv again, which I've been neglecting. I haven't gone to a single show or jam this class! Terrible. The shows are free and hilarious. That's it, next free Saturday night I have, I don't care what boys or friends want to do, I am going to a show.

2009-09-24T19:55:00.001-07:00

hmmm, maybe I just needed to eat something and unwind from work. ah.

Today was not meant to be

2009-09-24T18:45:00.001-07:00

Man today just does not want me around. I'm feeling super sad right now. No one's returning my email or phone calls, and I feel really left out and discarded. This definitely sucks. I hate when I feel like this.

I also hate that ever since all the shit went down in April-June, I constantly judge every action I make. I'm always considering, "Does this action/thought/writing mean I am a bad person? If I do this, does that make me not a bad person?" I've become obsessed with being a bad person, and things I can do to not be a bad person. It's not a good way to live. It's taken me a long time to realize I've been doing this.

:(

Please, may tomorrow be better.

A Formal Summary

2009-09-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

You knew that once you decided on the four-pack rather than the single serve, that you were dooming yourself today, right?

I ask you, why do these decisions happen without my input? I know all about the separate nervous system our digestive tracts operate under, but I wanna shake my head back and forth and scream, "You're not the boss of me!"

Ok, enough of that. Let's get some life summary action going on here.

First off, school rocks. I love being a student, even if for only 2 nights a week. I was born to study and memorize things. Seriously, while other kids were angsting about tests, I was twirling my zebra-colored pencil in my hands and fantasizing about how perfectly I'd fill those bubble cards in when I got the chance. Studying is fun. MIT made it not-so-fun, because it's pretty much impossible to retain facts when you're in permanent cortisol stress mode, but since I'm taking physiology at city college, we have definitely stepped back into the fun zone.

Second, burningman was super chill and a really lovely cap to the summer. Almost no one I knew was there, so I had lots of solo and 2 person adventures. It was fun to help my sister out and observe her reactions.

Third, work is exploding. 2 or 3 new people are coming on starting in October. I am organized and on top of things and hopefully a) I will be getting more hours and therefore more money and b) it will be so busy that I'll be able to hire a receptionist to take over on Saturdays, and either Fridays or Mondays.

Fourth, I am hanging out with this really cool guy Erik these days, that you probably already know about but I felt like a tool writing about it on here before now. But la la la it is so awesome and blah blah blah we are cute. I'd had every intention of remaining single and fierce for the entire summer, but only managed to make it through June. But you know what? I am STILL powerful and fierce. I fix this state in my mind, and do the things I am passionate about, and only make compromises where it is important, and TA DA, I am still here and still being me. I foresee lots of excellent times ahead. I like him a lot a lot a lot, and I love the person I am around him. We shall see what happens, internet.

Change of plan(e)

2009-08-24T10:52:00.001-07:00

I just bought a flight to Reno for Burningman, and then am taking the biodiesel bus from the airport. Aaaahhhh. I feel crazy! I used up my airline miles, but I think it's the right choice. My ride out was getting more and more complicated, and now I'm only missing 1 class instead of 2. Ok ok, I just needed to write that down in order to feel less crazy. Phew.

I feel pretty nuts right now. There are too many things going on. It's exciting, but very overwhelming for this low-stimulus introvert. I like doing 1 thing at a time. Then I can be sure that all decisions made are correct, all information is filed, and peace is upheld. It's a very controlling way to live, but I don't know how people can live other ways. I get super anxious if I don't follow protocol. Ah well, it's all a work in process. I'm not as crazy as I used to be. As long as I can keep saying that, life will be moving in the correct direction.

Oh, and for others playa bound: I will be camping btwn 5:00 and 4:30, on the esplanade side of A street, with the Flaming Lotus Girls sub-camp within Illumination Village.

A continued Affair

2009-08-19T22:52:00.001-07:00

The A game is continuing! I have been working really hard this week on all sorts of things - school administrative issues, burningman rides/prep/crafts, GRE's, take-home job work, etc. I love having a desk at home. It is a simple affair with 4 metal legs and a rectangular table on top, piled high with papers and crafts. It feels really good to be kicking this much ass. I had a mini stress-out today and ended up eating a bunch of crap, but I seem to have gotten over that hurdle.

My health problem is getting better which is a huge relief. I've got to got to get that health insurance plan finalized this week. I don't have time to be stressing out over non-existent future medical bills. I'm not following my former boss down that path. Hell no, this lady is not dying because of a hesitation over hospital care. This lady is living a smart life, and dying for smart or at least surprising reasons.

I spent a lot of money this week (A lot for me is $200). I'll be spending $140 more on a textbook, and $130 on my class. In the grand scheme of things, these expenses no longer matter. I've hidden my credit cards and am only using my bank card from now on, so I can't get myself in too much trouble, right? Well, except for that whole, I have no emergency/tax funds thing. I don't care anymore. I'm done stressing about money and conservation. My life is damn good, and I'm not going to keep pretending it's not. Why stress about ghosts?

Optimization for Education

2009-08-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

This week I decided to put on my A game. A for Academic. I decided not to go to work today and instead to spend the day researching what I need to do to get my educational goals back in front of me, instead of behind all the lovely partying and socializing I spend most of my time doing. It feels good to be serious again. UCSF apparently has the #2 graduate nursing program in the country. The deadline for the accelerated (MEPN) nursing program is September 1st, and it has a less than 10% acceptance rate. I was freaking out over that deadline, until I realized there was no way to get my GRE scores in time, so now I can relax and do everything I need to this year to be a fantastic candidate for next year. I'll take things one at a time and enjoy myself. I'm actually looking forward to doing things like Human Physiology and Anatomy, taking the GRE, and volunteering in an emergency ward. It feels good to be doing things. I'm shaking my head at the years I haven't been doing things, but I guess that's part of what life is. Ebb and flow, energy and sloth.

My brain has finally recovered from the past weekend. It was indeed a Terrible Tuesday, but I am feeling great now, and that overall my decisions this past weekend were for the good. It got me thinking about a lot of big picture stuff and put me on this path of righteous motivation I'm walking on today. I'm so impressed by everyone I know who's gotten it together enough to recreate their careers and/or return to school, and I'm excited to join them someday soon.

I also cleaned my room this morning, which shouldn't affect my mental state so much, but it totally does. Why does a clean house create a calm mind? An empty floor creates space for me to think. I guess I just have to accept this aspect of my personality and do what needs to be done to optimize my thinking.

The neighbors are yelling at each other. What else is new.

Guinea Pig

2009-08-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

Time to whore out my blogging skills for free herbal supplements. I'm taking Leitzin to combat lethargy/irritability and writing about it. So far no big deal, but I've been hella skimping on the dosage. I probably don't really need a substance like this, but I like neuro-experimentation (duh) and free things. They sent me a butt-load of the stuff. If you're interested in finding out whether anything ever happens, feel free to follow my boring-as Evolver blog.

I went to the FnF campout this weekend. It was very strange, didn't really feel like FnF at all. I missed a lot of stuff going on because, well, I had a private cabin and used it well. Ahem. Also, the new space at Saratoga Springs is really spread out, and, additionally, I was actively avoiding certain people. A lot of key peeps were missing, but it gave me a chance to meet some new people. I wrote Cecilia a poem at the memorial alter, which was satisfying. I didn't eat any of the food I brought, which was maybe the only way this year resembled past years.

Oh well, I'd had a smidgen of hope that relations would magically repair themselves through the passage of time, but things unfortunately went pretty much as expected. Fortunately, I had one excellent distraction. Things in that area of my life are pretty much perfect these days :D Sorry, I'm trying to restrain myself from mentioning anything, but aaahhh, then I have nothing to talk about here! My filter list is 10 pages long these days and it's driving me crazy!

that time again

2009-07-22T15:00:00.001-07:00

Oof. Jetlag + random food + the stress of too much to do at work after being gone a week = disturbing GI issues. Time for some serious detox. I think I'd like to do a feasting sort of fast, like some seriously fatty smoothies and vegan or raw soups. Calorie restriction is overated. I think I can get the same results if I stick to the good stuff.

Ach, my poor body. NY was good, but I am happy to be home again. I got a little off balance. Even back here, I'm focusing on other people and things too much. I know what's good for me, so why don't I do it?

On the Long Island

2009-07-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

I am here with the fam. It is satisfying. People don't really tell me what's going on over the phone, so it's good to see things close up. I'm missing Audrey's birthday party tonight - another birthday to make up! July is some serious birthday action.

Why did I log on here? I thought I had something to say. Zoe was pressuring me to blog even more, maybe because she needs it to get through her dull data entry days. Hi Zoe, look, instant gratification! You're sitting right there but I don't need to talk to you directly, or even indirectly via text/email. I will use something sufficiently remote and vaguely publicly humiliating. HAHAHAHA.

Today I visited Grandma and she gave me so many presents (a few of the knit arm-warmer variety!) I was a little embarrassed. She gave me some clothing money too. Yes, I am totally going to replace these falling-apart bras now. Also, I have ripped open the crotch of at least 2 pairs of pj pants recently (sadly, not for any exciting reason) and am looking forward to getting unbearably cute replacements. I am on LI, so I am going to shop shop shop damnit. And pretend to tan on the beach (secretly wearing my paranoid spf 50 whilst everyone else rolls around in non-functional spf 4 oil). And eat the ethnic foods LI does best. But first, I need to meet up with Dad on the LIRR and visit the other grandparents tomorrow. Maybe get a little evening NYC action in afterwards.

Puddin cut my hair right before I left home, and I am so pleased with it. I went swimming in chlorinated water earlier today, did nothing to it, and it STILL looks good. Somehow she really brought out the curl, and did a good fade with my growing-out bangs. That woman is amazing. I feel lucky to live with her.

Really, I feel lucky about everything. Things are going really well for me right now, and my hearts wants to reach out and squidgel the whole world to death. Vitamin D + bicycle + kisses = happiness. Get a good look, all you lovely lovely people out there.

We are all players

2009-07-11T15:54:00.001-07:00

I totally performed at the jam last night! It was the best feeling ever, once I got over being terrified. I think I did ok too. I wish I could see a video of it. I was hesitating on going up, and then Erik was all like, "This is what we came here for!" I couldn't back out then. Thanks dude. I should be taking a nap now, but I can't stop thinking about performing.

Afterwards we went to a beach bonfire for Nick's bday, which was rad until the Ocean Beach cops showed up and took away my sake, threatening a $100 fine and telling us to get lost. Poop. So we all went back to Nick's until the wee hours and hung out on his bed while a couple members of the crew got really into some spanking in the empty room next door. I'm sad to have missed Francisco's 30th bday party, but he was having it at a club and I just couldn't handle that sort of thing last night. Plus I had already overcommitted in several other directions. I'll make it up to him.

Well now.

2009-07-09T22:12:00.001-07:00

That was Fascinating. Cecilia's service was this evening, and I had the pleasure of hearing some wonderful stories, put faces to names, got a bit of singing in, and shared a common, "How did I miss this?" feeling with all in the room. It was wonderful wonderful to finally have a service, even if it was lacking in a body, for unfathomable reasons of legality.

Ok, lessons. Write out a list of everyone you want told about your passing -include all manner of contact info. Sign something that says what you want done in case of life support/brain death. Write out what you want done when you die, and tell someone where it is. It doesn't matter if you don't own much, you should still get these things together. Her poor cousin has been laboring under such legal strains, it's like the justice system has hemorrhoids. (Thank you, I just made that up)

I feel a big ol "ah" in my lungs and stomach. It's a good feeling. Very complete and ready for challenges. I really love my life. I love opening up to all these new people, and not being afraid, and loving loving them. I appreciate compliments much more. Before it was like a hunger, "Gimme more! Yeah yeah that's the stuff." Now it's more of a mellow, slow, careful consideration of what the person is actually saying. I realized this while Benjy was throwing out a plethora of beautiful compliments this past weekend (Can that dude give a compliment or What?).

This past weekend was beautiful beautiful all around. Every bit of it. A much smaller than usual group of us went camping (actually, it wasn't really camping, most of us slept in one room in a cabin). Erik cooked delicious food the entire weekend. I did almost nothing. I hung out with some chickens. I drank some beer. And I swam, I swam so far away. I just swam, I swam all night and day, couldn't get away. I did not think about my concerns and worries and hum drum life even once.

Tomorrow night is an improv jam at pan theatre. I am forcing myself to participate. No more chickening around now missy! Find some balls and get the hell on that stage. No regrets.

Vent

2009-06-29T22:15:00.001-07:00

One of our patients had the nerve to ask for special compensation, because when he came to his appt, his car got towed. He parked it on the side of the street I mentioned had 2 hour parking, didn't read the sign that said no parking 4-6pm, and then blamed it on me since he wasn't "from the area." It's that kind of not taking responsibility for your own shit whining that pisses me off. I'm tired of listening to other people's endless stories about their unfair lives. Can we all get a little silence in here PLEASE. No I will not offer you a $300 discount on your appt. I work my hourly job the best I can, and answer a lot of phone calls. I don't have all the answers, and anyone who expects me to can suck it and check reality. I am a lot smarter than your average receptionist, but I don't get it all right. Take responsibility for your life and move on.

End vent.

I rearranged the furniture in my room at 8am today. That's how I roll these days. It's all about the noisy early morning hobbies. I ran around hopped up on green smoothie for about 90 minutes and then collapsed into the rest of my day. My job is still exhausting me, but I've gotten some excellent hugs lately, and had good conversations about life and stuff. It's fun being real with people. Shyness trumps desire, but death trumps shyness.

I just watched the worst movie, He's Just Not That Into You. I ate brownie bites while watching it, because chick nights are a great way to get over all the crap that's noising around in your head, but it may have been a bit too awful a movie. I know, sounds impossible, but damn that movie crapped a bucket of crap inside itself.

So yeah, room is looking good! I'm going camping again this weekend, and am already looking forward to returning home all dirty to my wonderful newly completed room of cozy lights and snuggly happiness. Now I just need someone to share it with :)

Stuck in bed

2009-06-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

I feel drained today. I need to back away and realize it's ok not to get all the important shit done right away. I've been on the run for too long, and this morning it's all hitting me how much my life is changing. I feel really sad, for the neat easy way I overlooked her gradual deterioration, for not visiting her during her last few hours, and for myself, for the precarious financial situation I find myself in. There are a lot of people to break the bad news to. I did it a few times yesterday, and quickly moved a tissue box to the front of my desk. It's a really painful thing to tell someone. I don't want to be the bad guy! How do ER docs do it?

I didn't sign up for this. I don't want this. I'm so tired. I woke up ass early again today, and have been sitting in bed in my pjs ever since. I really don't want to go to work again. I don't know what to do for any situation anymore. We don't know where to take payment, what to tell new patients, how to pay for labs, how to pay for me, or what our legal standing is. We're trying to create a new system, and assume the old incorporation is dead, but new systems take time and money. The phone rang off the hook yesterday. At one point I had to break the news to her best friend from med school.

I need to regroup and center. I need to take time for myself. I can't do this, I can't do this. I can, I can do this. I'm doing my best.

What I've learned this week:

2009-06-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

1) Diversify - your friends, your activities, all aspects of your life. Create multiple safe spaces and distracting activities, because if the shit hits the fan in one sphere, you have other communities and activities to fall back on.

2) A good indicator of dying is withdrawal from practical matters with a primary focus on the spiritual realm, though I suppose people also often do this when they're not dying. It's interesting how even when her conscious mind didn't know she was dying, some other part of her mind did, and stopped giving a shit about mundane life tasks. It was an intensely frustrating process to be a part of, but makes a lot of sense now.

I woke up at 5am today with a headache, and couldn't fall back asleep. I got a bad phone call at 7:30, so I'm glad I was up. I rode to work at 8, did some shit, came home and fixed up an old bike for burningman. When I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror, I look like a stranger. I should try to nap before we leave this evening.

This is life. We all have our ways of dealing. X has long phone conversations and cooks food. I write on my blog and run away for the weekend. Y gets shit done. We do what we have to. I don't think I can make the final visit to her. I have too many strange feelings towards her, and she has close friends and family. When I come back on Monday I want this to be over. Which is truly a fucked up way to feel, but this is honesty week, and I'd be a liar if I said otherwise.

What Really Matters

2009-06-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

Holy Hell, what a sad week. I can't go into detail here, but this is an appropriate climax to the craziest 3 month period of my life. Fantastic highs, and terrifying lows (event-wise). Surprisingly, things internally have been fairly stable. Thank you fish oil and amino acids, you are mind-savers.

This feels like a tv show. I can't believe this is happening. I'm looking forward to camping this weekend, and washing all these heavy matters off in the icy cold waters of camp creek. I will eat, drink, flirt and talk to the trees. We will discuss silly matters around the campfire, and play with poi, hula hoops, each other's hair. When I come back, I will get my affairs in order and kickstart a job search with vim and vigor. I like that, "get my affairs in order." It sounds sensible and calm, like something a lady with knowledge would do. I wouldn't mind people thinking of me as a lady with knowledge. No muss no fuss, don't mind me, I'm just getting all the important work done in the background, while you gentlemen make a lot of noise and fuss around up front.

I'm definitely too silly to be a lady. Curses!

Tomorrow morning is my first psych study at UC Berkeley. Step 1 of my plan to find supplemental income. When I can't comprehend events, I turn practical. There is no plan that will solve all of this, but it's comforting to have one anyway.

Body fail

2009-06-10T16:51:00.001-07:00

I should've taken X to the emergency room. Instead I let her drive herself home. I asked a few times if I could take her to the hospital, and she said no, instead instructing me to call her primary care physician for specialist referrals. Specialist referrals can take days. We don't have days. (And why the hell didn't the doctor's office instruct her to immediately go to the hospital? Instead they waited a couple hours before calling back.) I called her friend who is meeting her at her house. I hope she made it there ok. I should've given her the cell phone, because she's misplaced hers. Does that count as a symptom of disorientation? She seemed mostly coherent, but barely able to speak, and symptoms of what my mom called acute liver failure. She's been sick for over a month now, but it didn't seem so serious before (I still thought she should see a doctor though. I mean, 5 weeks!). I think she's lost like 10 pounds since Friday. oh god oh god why didn't I take her to the hospital. Don't say no when someone offers to take you to the emergency room, they only offer it when they're freaked out by how bad you look.

That's it, I need more than just cpr/first aid certification. I need EMT or paramedic training. I want to be useful in emergencies. People's bodies fail them all the time. I've never felt more grateful for my functioning body than right now.

Crap, I really hope this all works out. Why the hell am I blogging. Because I don't know what else to do. Next time this happens, I'll know what to do, and it won't involve the internet.

Cats: Don't make much sense

2009-06-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

Feelin grateful that I've acquired so much good knowledge early in life. Thinking it's unlikely I'll wake up physically unwell and lackluster at 40.

I love you calf muscle. I love you elbow, all giving my foot a massage. I love you obsessive party planners. I even love the cat that hates when I touch it.

Am I the only one who doesn't care about then new iphone? Maybe I'm tricking myself into not caring, since I can't afford it. It's an extravagant day for me - I'm going to Waterside Workshops to buy a bike. It sounds awesome - mostly run by volunteers who teach you how to fix your bike yourself. It's also a youth training program. When you go to fix your bike, all you pay for is parts. Now that's a place I can put my scrawny chicken funds behind.

Recession for community advancement

2009-06-06T10:30:00.001-07:00

A year ago I set myself the goal of 1) regularly volunteering for something I care about and 2) joining a performance group. I just realized I do both of those things now! Any time I bemoan the sad state of my career, I should remind myself of how far I've come. I always get into this rut of people telling me someone with my education and skills "should" have a better job, but these magical shoulds don't create a career out of nothing. It only ends up hurting me when I listen to the shoulds, because it makes me think something must be seriously wrong with me for me not to be able to obtain the sorts of jobs MIT grads do. I don't think there's anything wrong with me! There, I said it. My passions unfortunately don't cleanly align with career advancement, but so what. I feel healthier than I have in years, I have almost nothing to get stressed out about, and I live nearby some seriously beautiful nature. And, my toughest decision these days is whether to participate in my final improv performance or go up to the fnf campout on time. Tough times man. I'm broke, but so are half the people I know. Recession brings us together.

I figured out my finances, and if I omit student loan payment, utilities, and rent, I have $25/day to live on. For everything else - transportation, food, clothes, furniture, fun, medical, forget about savings. I've begun logging how much I spend each day, which is satisfying. Thursday and Friday I went out and spent $35 each day, so today my budget is $5. I can try. Keeping my ears peeled for full time job opportunities, but digging in the satisfaction of poor-dom in the meantime....

Craniosacral therapy, just another day in the office

2009-05-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

Who knew, craniosacral therapy actually helps with mind-related digestive issues! This is a year of bodywork firsts for me: reiki, acupuncture, new massage styles, and now cranio. I expected it to feel like reiki (which feels hot/tingly to me), but it was totally different, more like shifting and opening. One of our NDs wanted to practice her skills before offering the therapy to patients, and I offered up my body, cause I'm a sucker for this stuff. She mentioned feeling things move quite easily in my head (I noticed that too. My sinuses opened up instantly, and my teeth felt like they were floating) but were more stagnant in my belly. I mentioned all the stomach and digestive issues I've been having the past month due to anxiety, and she helped me work through it a bit. It was a good relief, and I felt my love of humanity returning. Dr. T is an impressive lady. She goes for a lot of the unscientific areas of alternative health, which made me wary when I first met her, but the more I get to know her the more I like her and think she's got some good skills and excellent intuition. Maybe I'm just a sucker for new beliefs, but I've enjoyed experiencing so many different therapies this year that challenge my underlying skepticism. Having worldviews shattered is fun!

Life picture: extra fine resolution

2009-05-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

I miss New Zealand so badly right now. I had such a solid crew over there through the first break-up. I can't decide if this round is sucking so much more because of other social matters, because of extra job strain, or because things feel really final this time. I have to stop listening to chick music, it's killing me.

Anyway, I miss my crew. Maire just wrote to me and I can't wait to see her next week. Why did I ever leave? Because I wanted to build a career? Ha, who was I kidding. I'm not building anything. I'm running in place, staring at future/past/present me's sweaty back.

Aw yeah the cheesy beats of Supermen Lovers is liftin me back up. Things will settle soon. I'm going to NY in July. Mom tells me the sisters are already excited - I'm glad I have sisters. Also, campout season is starting. The first one is coming up the weekend after this one. Nature and music distract from all problems. If you distract yourself long enough, eventually it isn't a problem anymore (there might be a new one in its place though). Life keeps moving. It's a bunch of white noise from far away. Each separate pixel is a whole lot of something though.

I'm gonna buy me some IKEA love this weekend after the final stage of the move, and then see Cary sing. I desire red furniture and red love. I'm filling in the time the best I can, and waiting for the day when I can be still again.

Puppies are a subsitute for babies if you're a 28 year old woman.

2009-05-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

I can feel it, summer is HERE. I spent the day outside drinking beer and dancing in the park. The puppies looked cute today.

G'night! The big move starts tomorrow.

Dog Story

2009-05-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

After improv tonight (the final class, alas) I rode the BART back into the city with Ben, who told me the following story:

"My friend was dog-sitting for a couple weeks, and, during that time the dog died. She didn't have a car, so she placed the dead dog in a duffel bag and transported it via a muni bus to the vet for disposal and whatnot. This guy sits down next to her and asks her what's in the bag. She doesn't want to tell him it's a dead dog, so she says it's some musical equipment. It turns out he's a musician and very curious about what's in the bag, so she makes up this whole story about it being a nice set of drum parts. So they're chatting, and when he gets up to leave he grabs the bag and runs off. He steals a dead dog."

Ehehehehe.

It was a wacky class for sure. We were all trying to get in as much stage time as possible, and it was only our second go at long form, so 90% of the skits devolved into noise, with everyone on stage. Very confusing. It's interesting to see all the different ways things can go wrong when people aren't paying attention to each other. A lot of us are going to join the beginner troupe. I definitely definitely am! Improv is my life raft through these hectic times. I don't need a man, I have a crush on lady improv.

I'm looking over the summer schedule, and realizing I need to negotiate my way out of 2/3rds of my Saturday work days. I think I've been pretty good about sacrificing my Saturdays thus far, and hopefully won't have a problem convincing the docs that I deserve these weekends away. Hmmmm, I wonder, campouts + improv.... Could this be the contribution I've been looking for?!

What else what else....I went to my first roller derby bout on Saturday. BAD girls had their asses sliced and diced. It was very cool though. I'd never be able to handle the pain. Those ladies are tough! I volunteered beforehand to save money, and got to meet a lot of members in the league while we set up drinks tables. Sometimes being poor has its advantages.

On Sunday (after the monthly christ-it's-early volunteer shift) I went to How Weird alone. Of course, it's hard to be alone for long at a place that's such a freak magnet, and I bumped into several varieties of my favorite weirdos. I saw that plant-trees-save-earth guy. I swear the same people show up everywhere. My favorite interaction was with Philip, who told me how much they're looking forward to me moving in, and shared a good hug (hugs are always better in hoodies. Who is with me?) Hearts! I got a lot of good dancing in too, and returned home to find Matt and Cary back in the hood. And now Audrey is back in the hood too. Phew!

Ouch, I think I have to unsubscribe from F's photo feed for a while. Too painful.

own ness

2009-04-20T08:55:00.001-07:00

I got paid for March!

After seeing several apartment shares that are totally filthy, or otherwise unsuitable, I began looking at studios in the East Bay. It turns out I can totally afford a studio over there! I don't know what condition they are in, but the pics have looked fine. I think it's time to change my search. If I don't end up living in one of 3 potential friend situations, I'm totally getting my own place. It would be an investment in furniture and kitchenware, but think of how exciting it would be! No roommate issues, I choose all the decor, no compromises, no one else's head space. I've never lived alone, I can't even imagine the excellence of it.

I have both the desire to nest and make a cozy place for myself, and a powerful urge to abandon everything and go off the grid. I'm too much of a weenie to do the latter, but the need is there. Real life is a stressful thing, and I have to force myself to keep on task. I'm trying to keep a buddhist perspective, that my challenges are exactly what I need, and the most useful times to find myself, but, yeah, we all know that doesn't work consistently. It definitely keeps me from totally freaking out though.

Laugh, damnit!

2009-04-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

Today has been laughably bad. I'm hungover and at work (on a Saturday morning), which is a poor starting point. Somehow I lost my keys at the bar last night, so I can't get into parts of the office. Fortunately, there was a teenager hanging out in the waiting room, so I was able to get inside the building and climb through the window into the receptionist area. I have this awful sense of abandonment, even though I know it's just my friends leading the lives they've always led, but since I no longer have someone to turn to in the space between friends, it fucking sucks! What else what else....oh I still haven't been paid. I'm supposed to be moving this month right? Wrong, universe. Perhaps you were thinking of a different reality, where someone with my educational background had a job that actually gave a shit about her well-being?

I ran into Max on the Bart. That was pretty cool. I started crying right there in the middle of the train, and he didn't know quite what to do, but then we started talking about bikes, and then we emerged into the east bay, where the sun was shining over a 70 degrees picture of happiness. He was meeting up with Colleen for a bike ride, and it was great to see her too. She was very pro moving-to-the-east-bay and I was like, Yeah! I can live in a place that's actually nice! It was depressing looking at places in SF yesterday. The rooms are either too small to fit my bed, or the apartments are dirty and/or chaotic. I need stability right now, and that means a clean peaceful chill place with room for my bed. Not too much to ask?

I can tell I'm driving my housemates crazy. I just need to get out of there. Francisco can't fill what I need, even though I desperately want him to.

Why did I drink last night?!?!?

Oh my god, I don't think this lady is even showing up for her sauna. I could've used that hour of sleep.

I have some good thoughts about improv, but now's probably not the best time to write them down. I'll do it some other, better, time. I think it's ok if I put things off today. I'll eat some strawberries, they are especially delicious right now.

awesome is as awesome does

2009-04-13T11:01:00.001-07:00

You know what would be awesome? Getting a motherfuckin paycheck. I've been waiting for this one for 13 days now. Tomorrow it'll be time to submit the next timesheet. Desperate times man. Normally I'd be a little more chill about it, but this month's different. This is the month I need to find a new home. I am 2 steps from homeless, and 0 steps from single. That's right, internet: Vanessa is back on the market.

Not really, I don't actually want to be on any sort of market for a long while. My heart hurts, like the skin of it was gently sloughed off with a fine cheese grater. I don't feel like eating, or reading. I'm paying careful attention to everything that happens, because I want to remember. I want every moment of this ordeal to be in vibrant memory.

Gotta find a place to live. Gotta get paid. Gotta think gotta think, if I just think a little harder and a little longer everything will be clear. A crystal clear unsentimental snapshot of a perfectly ordinary life, on a remarkably beautiful planet.

Not sure if I should post this. It's kinda gauche to write these things down. Too soon too soon.

Ahahaha, it's a few hours later and I just found a picture of this guy I used to have domestic, non-sexual fantasies about in high school (we'd be picnicing, or snuggling, or hanging out together on our porch). He is totally huge now. He was this little skinny thing back in the day, and kinda dorky, just like I like 'em. Now he looks like a drinkin businessman. I don't know why this is cheering me up, but I'm gonna go with it.

Looking forward to meditating on the bart ride home. It's my favorite thing to do these days. Sometimes I start crying, and I carefully observe and appreciate the emotions unfolding. It's a nice thing to do. Even nicer than treating myself to a cupcake. Which is awesome, I'm always on the lookout for chocolate substitutions.

Happy spring, everyone. I look forward to reaching out to many of you with the mountains of free time I have headed my way. I plan on spending the entire summer outdoors, so if that's your boat, give me a ring a ling.

Worky love

2009-03-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

I love my job today. Avoa came in today brimming with happiness about her decision to shift most of her massage work over to our office, because of the awesome positive environment, and I really felt the love. The 3 of us stood around grinning like idiots before she offered up some free massages to us. Um, ok, that sounds good. I'll mosey over to work in the early afternoon that day and take a sauna first. Mmmmmm the good life.

Lookin forward to tonight. Looking fine, people on the street! Drink in that sunlight. I am wearing my green skirt, my dancing shoes, and my good legs. Check it out. You know you want it!

A Good Friday

2009-03-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

Well color me a believer. I had been enjoying ragging on the Rhythm Society party all week, because in order to get into one of their parties (excuse me, "celebrations") you need to be indoctrinated beforehand by a member. And then there had been whisperings that audrey wouldn't be allowed into the indoctrination mtg, which royally pissed me off (and turned out just to be false information, she totally could have come), so I was all like, "Fuck this RS shit, if half my friends weren't DJing at the thing there's no way I would go." And I went to the meeting, which mostly consisted of my friends (we all know the same DJs), and had some pizza, and received some totally chill, sensible advice. Their parties are dry, so after the mtg F and I went out for a couple tasty beers at The Monks Kettle, and then headed over to the Unitarian Universalist Church.

Ok, first off, the party is held in a fucking church. Gorgeous, huge space, pristine wooden floors to run around on (no problem being barefoot), free run of the chapel and conservatory, and a beautiful courtyard in the middle of the 4 rooms of music and sanctuary. Second, I didn't meet anyone lame, as I had been led to believe RS members tended to be. Everyone was relaxed, and interesting, and liked to dance. It was a nice mix of people all being super respectful of the space. There were cozy corners and lamps and laser light shows everywhere. Lots of hanging gauze. Dozens of beds (not to mention hundreds of cushioned pews to lie down in if you so desired). A bunch of hugs from strangers at the door. A table constantly being refreshed with homemade food. Chai, tea, and coffee (remember, this was a dry party. We needed something to keep us awake, if we didn't want to ingest alternative substances). An opening ceremony that was not even close to being lame (we stood around for a bit making rain sounds, and it sounded great). The whole thing blew me away, and ran so smoothly. No one looked rushed, yet everything unfolded on time. Maybe there were some hidden folks getting stressed out, but none of it transferred to the public space. People took care of the bathrooms. It was all so comforting, and reminded me of something I can't quite remember. Ok, I admit it, I teared up a bit at the fiery god light show in the conservatory, chillin out from all the dancing in a pew, not waiting for anything to happen. Francisco danced more than he ever does. Usually he gets distracted by all the socializing, while I avoid socializing and focus on dancing, but this time he was so energized by the space (or our awesome friends' music) that he couldn't stop himself.

I am feelin good. Hey, no hangover! Dry parties, huh. I have a 3 day weekend and am fully prepared for it. I need to buy some makeup for our film shoot on Tuesday, because damn I have not bought makeup in about 5 years. I hear that Mac foundation is pretty good yeah? Crap, I do not know much about these things, but I gotta suck it up and shop sometime. My clothes are getting ratty as well. What is a girl to do....

Mental Mission is my new fake band name

2009-03-02T21:28:00.000-08:00

I feel very clear today. Like the buckets of rain that have been drumming their way into bay area buildings. The Indian restaurant I went to for lunch had 2 or 3 buckets out to catch various leaks in the ceiling.

There doesn't seem to be much I can do yet to control my thoughts and emotions, but I am growing very aware of them. And slowly getting more aware of what is going on in others. Now that my mission to understand the emotional waves of others is standing obviously in front of me, I'm less distracted by fear and social awkwardness. It's good to have a social mission. And a mental mission.

Last night I was in a shitty mood, but then I came home to a party of Joe, Kris, Aimee and Tony huddled around a coffee table noshing on slices of lemon, grapefruit, spoonfuls of goat cheese, and slinging back guiness. There was a crazed look in their eyes as they invited us to join them and suck on a pill of miracle fruit extract. I didn't want to socialize because I was in such antisocial spirits, but decided to try it anyway. By the time the pill completely dissolved I'd entered a frenetic magical world where kid dreams come true. The goat cheese was un-fuckin-believable. We started putting it on top of cookies as a cheesecake-erific dessert. Plain sections of lime were also amazing. Miracle fruit, for those that haven't heard me or someone else rant about it already, modifies your sweet taste receptors so that they react to sour and perhaps bitter compounds. We tested out the sour spectrum pretty thoroughly, but I'd like to do more experimenting with bitter items, especially unsweetened chocolate, coffee, and IPA.

Tomorrow I don't have to work. I will go on a mind adventure. And do some yoga. I hope it rains again so I can stare out the window with the cats, being dry and cozy and wearing Francisco's slippers.
End!

road trip!

2009-02-24T23:12:00.000-08:00

Francisco and I are planning a trip for April. I do believe this is the first vacation we've planned together, just the two of us. Baby steps. We're driving to the Grand Canyon via SoCal and Vegas. We'll have an extra day to piddle around the Arizona/Utah border before flying back. I am super excited because I haven't really seen any inland parts of this fine country of ours. I jump from coast to coast, with no real concept of how big and empty everything in the middle is. Someday I'd like to do the classic cross country road trip. It is time for a break! I've been working hard, rarrrr. Oh wait, April is still far away. Damn you March, you're blocking the show! I can't see around your stupid fat changing-seasons head.

We got assigned seat tickets for opening weekend of Watchmen. I guess March has a few good things going on. You are an ok month. Just barely breaking even. And so sneaky. You always come upon me sooner than I think you should. Chomping on February's tail a little overenthusiastically there, don'tcha think? Poor, short February.

Bedtime!

the monster stirs

2009-02-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

I'm at the golden point in my sickness, where it no longer hurts to look at tv or words, but I'm still weak enough not to get antsy with all this lying around. I really wish I had some crap sci fi to read right about now. I already spent 45 minutes painstakingly biting off all my fingernails, and it was glorious. I also spent an hour watching those onion news videos, two hours catching up on a few internet comics, an hour doing nothing but looking at the ceiling and thinking about how weird it looks, and half an hour reading some horrendous erotica. Does anyone else have the experience I have when emerging from a fever, where everything looks different? Crisper maybe, and strangely sized. It tricks me into thinking I look good, when I probably look more like a closet monster.

I called in sick today. I might've been able to pull it together to come in for the afternoon at least, but today is my reward day, for a weekend of pain. We all deserve to cash in on that borderline sick day. It's what fully cures us. Plus, it's awesome. I loved my mom's rule growing up that if I had a fever one day, I would not go to school the next day. I've followed it loyally through my adult existence, and it's never steered me wrong.

And anyway, it's President Day or something. My roommates are downstairs watching tv. Really, it's bullshit that Francisco or I should have to work at all. Francisco, get your butt home and make me an omelet.

I didn't even try to make sense today.

2009-02-13T23:27:00.000-08:00

I am thinking of a word
and it rhymes with gay
reads the same in both directions
and it's what the kiddies say.

yyyyaaaaaayyyyyyy

I'm glad it's raining. Drought be gone. The sidewalks kinda smell crappy when it first starts raining, but now that we're a few days into this moist slog of gravity and pressure systems, the streets smell clean-ish again. Let's hear a big meh for the neutral smells!

People are out partying tonight. It's friggin cold though, and I hear most of the girls called it quits on girls night by the time I got home from work, so I don't feel too bad missing out. I know there's a little ooontz going on, and I've never been to Shine before, but whatevs. Tomorrow is VDay and I'd like some breakfast in bed please! I'd like one of those cereal boxes with the prize in the bottom, but instead of being filled with cereal, it's filled with a breakfast I can actually stand behind. Like eggs. A box full of veggie omelet. Or how about a green smoothie, in a box. All seeping out from the creases. All nasty, and green, and in my bed.

Focus, lady! Jeez, your mind is all over the place tonight. Keep your eye on the prize. If you don't know what you're asking for, no one's ever gonna give it to you! And you're not even drunk! You stayed home and ate fish, remember?

Rainbow after midnight
Use your nose to find the end
She smells before she leaps
and can't say no to a friend

Leave your quarters on the table
Dance away, donate your chair
We don't know where this things going
but we're together
we're alive
As a team we're supersized!

Good night internets. I am caught in your web. The only thing that can cut me out now is societal collapse, or death. Brrrrr, it sure is cold tonight.

Toot!

2009-02-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

I could've sworn I wrote a more recent entry here. Something at least mildly positive? I guess it doesn't matter.

Today I've been thinking about the quality of leisure time, and the unexplored benefits of working. I generally have a lazy mindset, and think not working is always better than working, but in tracking my happiness and level of satisfaction this week, I discovered this is clearly not true. There is almost no correlation between how happy I am and whether or not I'm working, so I've decided to spend my free time in better ways. Today I practiced playing a small trumpet, and sang a bit with full stomach extended and some head voice power that I normally hide in my memories. I also danced for a bit. It turns out I have plenty of energy left after a day at work, as long as I don't immediately fall into the couch with remote and beer in hand. I think it's fine to do that sometimes, but not every weekday. Today I give myself the gift of an hour or two of totally awesome fun things first, before romancing the couch.

Actually, I've been so distracted by the super awesome fun times that I forgot to eat dinner. So hungry. To think that I could forget about a meal. That almost never happens. Maybe my goal should be to have such fun times that I stop thinking about what I'm eating and when my next meal is.

Literature mentioning aspects of introversion has entered my life from 3 different angles today. So I'm thinking about that too. although, not this very moment, because I'm too hungry. Enough computer! Chop chop.

Dump!

2009-01-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

Phew, what a week. There's a lot of things going on, mostly not good. But, on the up side of things, I've never been more in love with Francisco. I'm tightly holding onto the Francisco express because it gives me peace and comfort in these times. Ooh, also good, The Daily Show coverage of the inauguration festivities. It's a great feeling seeing the lights back on in Jon Stewart's eyes.

So yeah, the outside world is celebrating and hugging each other and....well, actually I'm getting a lot of hugs too. Joe was showing off his immense powers of observation last night by rotating around hugging those of us who needed it. He was like a spinny ride, but instead of spinning seats he had hugs to distribute. He let me know my powers of observation are only mediocre on the human scale. I was all offended at first but then I thought about it for a while and realized that, yes, when I'm actually paying attention to people and sitting back, I make great observations, but that's not my usual way of being. Most of the time I'm wrapped up in the sticky inside of my head. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, but it makes me sad to think about (rather than wondering what thoughts Joe had to come up with this theory, proving him right yet again! arg.)

I've been busy feeling sorry for myself a lot this week. I know it's my way of communicating (or lack thereof) that causes almost all of my problems, but I'm still too terrified to do anything about it. People are scary! I've been trying to push home some of my points with my boss, but she is so wrapped up in her world view that I need a lot more force behind my hints and asides to get anywhere with her. And then I'm like, but what if she fires me? But I won't be an ass hole, and it's constructive criticism, and it will help her be a decent employer. Still though, scary scary. With similar problems on the home front, I'm feeling the mounting tension of constant suppression and too many 6 day work weeks. Of course I was going to crack sooner or later. The past week I've also been eating poorly and suffering the digestive/mental consequences. And I haven't had a period in at least a month and a half, so I know when it comes out it'll be an explosion of misery (this is not unusual for me, so don't go about thinking I'm pregnant now). Yesterday I had my first nosebleed in 1 or 2 years, so think of me as a sad bloody sponge being wrung out in the middle. A floppy, weak-willed sponge, entering her imaginary saturn's return.

I will be turning 28 on the 28th, that's gotta count for something right?

I just looked at the inauguration photo stream. Nice stuff. Nothing like big problems and goin'ons to drive out all the fluff. I wish I had more energy and time. Then I would sit and think all day. Maybe it should be a friend's job to mention something huge when they notice you falling into a petty funk. A swift reboot. "Hey, I might have cancer," is a good one :)

catching the worm

2009-01-19T09:48:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning at 7:25 and sat in the hot tub. The sun was broken up into little steaming shaft-lets as it passed through the bush and above the steaming water. I've been up for 2.5 hours now, but all the housemates are still upstairs. Joe's coughs sound painful, poor guy. It's such a relief to have a 2 day weekend this week. Yesterday I sat out in dolores park with kiran, nikhila, and some other peeps, wriggling my naked feet and eating figs. Today Francisco has agreed to go on a hike with me, and things are just going great. I feel good. 3 cheers for fish oil and salads!

maybe, just maybe, progress is being made.

I've learned a lot about natural health the past couple months, and about how much better than normal it is possible to feel on a daily basis. I'll take the sporadic paychecks and lack of benefits, if it means having mornings like this. It does make me a little nervous though, thinking about how many of our planet's leaders probably have undiagnosed nutritional deficiencies and neurological imbalances. I want their brains making balanced decisions, not false moods.

Sorry, I don't know how to make jokes when I feel this good. Maybe hippies feel GREEEAAAT all the time, which is why they like the concerned and deep conversations. Bad diet = comedic gold? Is that why so many comedians are overweight?

Hello hello, I've missed you so

2009-01-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

Alright, time to blog. I think there's a fulcrum at which blogging occurs. To one side you have a lot of free time, and nothing to say, and on the other side no free time. It's tricky creating a life conducive to blogging. And then there's the self-analysis of, "Is what I am thinking authentic if I put it on the internet? Have I really learned anything if I want to spread it around/if it can be translated into language?

Oh poop. Let's talk about bread. Today I noticed we have ripe avocados and tomatoes in our kitchen. And even bread. But not the right kind. If you're gonna make toast with avocado and sliced tomato. you need some good vogels. Am I right or what? I ended up making it for breakfast anyway, but not without a smidge of dissatisfaction. I should've asked Allen and Sarah to bring vogels!

Hey, they get here on Sunday! I was invited to tahoe this weekend, but then I remembered A) work on Sat morning B) volunteering Sun morning C) Southern friends. Oh well. I should make efforts to see the highland peeps. I don't need to travel to tahoe to see them, they live 5 blocks from my house. It's embarrassing that we haven't met up since I've been back. I should be sleeping on their couch and eating their stir-fry every weekend.

It's hard to get myself into work today. I'm meeting with someone at the end of the day to do quickbooks accounting training, so I really should get in a few hours of entering receipts and invoices, but there are no patients or doctors today, and it's really up to me when I decide to go in. Plus, I just found out yesterday that the girl who "usually" (twice since I've started) works Saturdays and Mondays won't be back for another month, which means lots of 6 day work weeks in my future, which means I'm not enthusiastic about putting in full days if I don't have to. I'll go in at noon. I'll spend the next hour in my bed reading this awesome book Zoe gave me, Shantaram. It's about a guy who escaped from prison, went to India, and opened himself up to whatever comes his way. At first I was like, "wow he meets up with a lot of amazingly nice people," but then I realized that what he sees in his first interactions is all because of how he judges others. He thinks a lot of people are good. I mean, they are good, but he sees it because he thinks it.

See?! This is what I mean about blogging cheapening a thought, it looks terrible in English. I should stick to talking about poop and food.

Open Sesame

2008-12-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

Kris and I just watched this crappy movie, We Don't Live Here Anymore, about these 2 married couples sleeping with each other and dealing with the problems that go along with that, and it made me feel so much better. What a crappy movie. Sometimes watching overly serious people and their bad decisions really hits the spot.

Also, this week's horoscope (not the too-wise-for-its-own-good Rob Brezny one. The other crappier one, that's printed in the Guardian): You are riding down the streets of the bad neighborhoods of your own mind, Aquarius, and you'd better be careful. Instead of freaking out, try some optimism, or at the very least think of a way out of your situation. A new perspective can change your moods and even your outcomes this week.

With the above in mind, I'm going to try something a little different than usual. Instead of burrowing deeper into my miserly frugal hermit shell, I'm going to send some money to Meals on Wheels of SF, and try to open my heart a little. If the frugal attitude of my boss disrupts this openness, I'll leave my job. I took this job for more than money, obviously (or I wouldn't have turned down that sweet CPMC offer), but it still has to be able to sustain me. People work for money. If I wanted to be poor and pursue greater goals, I'd go back to school or perhaps embark on a traveling adventure. Staying in one place and working full-time is supposed to bring a different sort of reward. It doesn't have to be this hard.

Sometimes I feel like I'm struggling against my true existence. Every time I try something different, that also feels like a struggle, albeit a new kind of one. I guess I won't know what the right way is unless I keep trying different things. I'm definitely leaning away from counsel-based health care at the moment. Maybe it's time to stop trying to be social, and start being authentic. I love big picture theorizing (health care policy/law/advocation), and I love working on my own (research, construction, the outdoors). I love creating and admiring beauty (film, nature, music) and making people laugh -hey, I forgot, my plan had been to audition for an improv troupe upon SF return.

I feel good. There are a lot of good events coming up this week and next. My heart is going wa wa wa. Time to call mom.

Proton

2008-11-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

I feel better now. There are some problems I don't know how to fix, but they aren't who I am. I have some interesting things to think about.

Repeat

2008-11-28T17:20:00.000-08:00

Huh weird, I'm in almost the same position as the last time I blogged, and that was 3 weeks ago. Drinking tea, feeling sad and poor. Too too poor. I don't know what to do, but my job is the opposite of a stable organized situation. This is making me a little nuts. I'm finally happy with my work, but I'm barely/sporadically getting paid. My boss is out for 2 weeks, and I have $55 left until she returns to pay me again. Dad emailed me to let me know I'm not getting presents from the greater Speed family for Christmas, and that I don't have to get anyone anything. Somehow that makes me feel even worse, even though it's what I wanted since I can't afford anything. Seriously, who wants to see an email that says that? I'm trapped trapped trapped. So many things I want to do (take classes, do yoga, eat out, go away on weekends...) and I can't do any of it. Poverty jail.

Listening to music from college, watching the evening sky, eating leftover turkey in my salad. Things could be worse. They could always be worse.

I'm about to get my period, that's probably part of the problem. I overindulged yesterday. I felt sick, sore throat, weak, tired. I thought I was getting a cold, but it seems more like my body is just weak from misuse, PMS and stress.

I really really am hating this holiday season. It makes me sick, the shopping frenzy. I hated it before NZ, but I hate even more now that I've lived somewhere without the chaos. I miss it. Things are really fucked up here. A Walmart employee on Long Island fucking died in the early morning sales rush today. How's that for a way to die.
"Items on sale at the Wal-Mart store included a $798 Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28, a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69 and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9."

AAAAAHHHHHHHH! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fucknuts. I wish I had a dancing Santa to spit on, kick around, smash up. All throwing it into a corner, an extreme closeup as it repeats ho-ho-ho but all fucked up like, slowing down, its light flickering on and off, the pitch getting lower and lower and then finally, nothing. It stops moving. Lights out. The end.

That's better, I needed to vent. Sorry for the joy break. Things will be ok soon.

help is on the way

2008-11-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

Strange nightmares, followed by dark days. Unanswered job-related questions, unopened emails, and $85 in the bank account. My life is on pause, and there isn't a temp available to fill in for a few days.

I'm drinking yerba mate latte blend. It's dark and evil, and will give me energy for tonight. I'm leaving soon to help set up at the Cubik and Origami record release party. Then I will party and ignore the rain outside. Dance dance dance. Tomorrow morning I have to get up at 8am for my first volunteer shift at the cancer clinic. Hopefully the yerba mate will see me through that as well. I'm nervous and excited, like on a second date with high potential. Tomorrow night is the Cloudfactory fashion show, and I don't work on Mondays, so I'm seriously looking forward to Monday morning.

I like listening to Francisco and Kris downstairs playing video games. Whatever they're shooting at is apparently hilarious. Joe just walked by in his underwear and waved at me. He just got out of the shower, his second favorite place (I think his first favorite is K's vagina. Oh no I didn't!). James is somewhere, and wants to buy bacon or other breakfast meats with Francisco soon. Hopefully this paragraph gives a good picture of what it's like to live in our big San Francisco house. It's a good place. Except for whatever geological activity caused the house to crack a few weeks ago. Now none of the doors parallel to the front door fit in their frames. The perpendicular doors are all fine though.

In case you can't tell, I'm in a really weird mood tonight. It's not terrible, but I wouldn't describe it as jubilant either. We'll see what happens. I try to remain patient and vigilant, like a patriotic guard. Maybe I need a uniform.

Decided

2008-11-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

Not going to pursue the longevity gig. It's straight-up admin. Not worth considering at this pivotal point in my career path. Here we go non-benefits! If anyone has good emergency/major large expense medical problem insurance to recommend, please let me know. High deductible ok, just something cheap to get me through the next year or two in case of emergency. Peace of mind for Mom.

Hey, Halloween was awesome! I dressed up as a plant /wood nymph / poison-ivy-inspired creature. F, James and I went to a few different parties, and really enjoyed them all. Even the walking from one to another was ok (it was a fight to the death for cabs out there). This one guy was an interactive voting machine. He would take you through the process (thumbprint, income verification, race verification, and finally a biased pointer towards your candidate of choice) and then give you an "i voted" sticker at the end. Plus, he could rest his drinks on the top of his votey box.

I feel pretty good about being done with voting. California voting is hard, with ~ a dozen state propositions to consider, and ~20 San Francisco ones, but I did the work, and tried to balance cynicism and progressive optimism equally. Slowly I'm learning how to vote. I remember the first election I participated in, I basically guessed on everything not President-related. Sorry about that.

Joe and Kris are on a romantic getaway, which Francisco has decided gives him the authority to walk around in the nude. Um, hello, have you forgotten about the troll in the basement? The troll is caffeine-dependent, so maybe this early in the morning you are safe from judgement.

I am a decision machine today. Send me your issues and I will quickly and painlessly judge them. The rain has trapped me inside, which is thrilling really. I am cleaning, eating, rediscovering music, and passing judgement. What a great weekend. I am so ready for winter.

2008-10-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

I'm really not sure what to do with my life. On the one hand, I've landed this job in a field I may potentially be entering some day. It sets me up to easily get into a school program. On the other hand, when I went in on Monday for training there was: no mention of salary or benefits; unstable work hours (when the doctors go on vacation or there aren't enough patients scheduled, I have to take off as well, and it's likely unpaid leave); no I9 or HIPAA to sign/fill out, so technically I'm not even employed yet. This lack of structure and information suggests a high level of disorganization. My only discussions about the job have so far been with the girl I will be taking over from. The owner of the business, my boss, has not discussed anything with me yet.

Even with all the above, it is still a great opportunity. I would learn a lot, both about running a small business and about natural medicine. I would probably have the opportunity to do a wide variety of tasks. The question is, is the lack of healthcare and other benefits worth it?

I wouldn't even be asking these questions if I hadn't received a phone call yesterday from a scientist at CPMC's Longevity Consortium Institute. They would like to meet with me for the role of Admin Coordinator. There I would have contact with longevity researchers all over the US. NIH will be increasing funding for their research, so there would be high job security. I would be well paid, with benefits. Now of course, I don't have the job. I might not get it. But how far should I pursue it? I am interested in aging research, but perhaps not for life (heheh). I decided to set up an interview anyway, because what's the harm? It's hard to know what direction to go in. I am obviously interested both in alternative healthcare AND in health research. I imagine someday I will unite the two and be involved in natural health / alternative medical research, or perhaps natural medicine policy. Who can predict, really. I can't really tell what my actions today will do to my future. How important is job stability and benefits? It's like asking, how likely am I to get cancer or have a terrible accident in the next 10 years? I don't know. Longevity research is perhaps the ultimate ironic answer.

The fact that I have the ability to ask these questions is deeply satisfying. I am very happy with how my life is going. I am glad job opportunities are coming my way, and that the temp world and I are finally parting ways. From now on I will only be involved in things that matter to me. This is my only life, it's time to grab it by the balls.

Opinion: Fasting

2008-10-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've decided about fasting: After getting over the initial day of hunger, there are about 3 days of awesome. After that, things slowly start to decline. Yesterday I had gotten to the point where I was browning out every time I stood up. A flight of stairs made me out of breath, and I could barely focus on the computer, let alone work. Every free moment I had, I closed my eyes and went into a trance or shallow sleep. Not good. Maybe longer fasts are fine if you are under the supervision of someone, or you have absolutely nothing to do but focus on your body's purity, but for real world people, it's a struggle. I think I may do short 3 day fasts more often, because they make me feel great and give me a chance to reset (and break that carb addiction), and never do longer ones unless I'm in a really great situation (like a fasting meditation retreat or something).

So yeah, I pooped out after 7 days again. I've been trying to make it to 10 but it's just not happening. That's ok, it's still pretty awesome that I know how to abstain from almost all food for a week. Last night Joe made this hearty red lentil soup and I savored every drop in my bowl. He said it was plenty salty, but I guess I'm really salt deprived because I had to add more (maybe this is how Clodagh always feels? She must use up a lot of sodium being so energetic and lovely). I also ate a salted avocado, and a small spoonful of Kris' cashew chocolate butter (sweetened with Stevia). I felt warm and happy like a baby, and fell asleep on the couch in the warm glow of the Colbert Report. ah.

So for the next while I will be focusing on simple-warm-hearty-salty foods. Like squash, soup, meat stews, beans, buttered veggies, olives and eggs. (and apples, holy shit they are so in season right now, get some from your local organic market & they will rock your world). I'm avoiding processed carbs for a while, since I'm totally free of the cravings and would like to maintain that. Yay for feeling great again! Now I'll have the energy needed to party all night tomorrow. Our friend Tony's band, Honeycut, is playing, and I really hope I can squeeze that in before going to the No On Prop 8 party, at which I will be performing with jm's poi again (it was really crucial that I start eating before that. i tried playing with my poi yesterday and my arms wanted to fall off after 30 seconds.)

Now that the fasting saga is over, I'm sure my posts will drop off in frequency, but who knows, maybe my new job will be so riveting that I'll feel like updating you on every tedious moment. stay tuned!

omg

2008-10-21T09:19:00.001-07:00

I finally won a contest. The first time in my life unless memory is doing its usual failure thing (you will NOT pass this class, MEMORY!): 2 tickets to the Stereolab show tonight! Thanks SonicLiving!

Let's see, I've entered the chillits lottery how many times, and I've never "won" tickets through that, and then I enter 2 contests on SonicLiving and win the second one?

Whatever, chillits. This is a good week for me! Fasting, a new job, and winner of a contest. I win win win. My life is fucking great. We got these new dining room chairs delivered last night, and that was as close as I've come to not winning, because those things are a bitch to put together. Fortunately F came in and saved the day. I gave him an elbow massage afterwards, since he put so much effort into manually screwing the seat in (while I sat on the seat, creating some good pressure for him to screw into from underneath. Tough job, gravity.)

Yay!

I ate 2 carrots and a fig for breakfast and feel a lot better now. I couldn't keep my eyes open on the bus ride over, and had to sit down at the bus stop, but the haze has cleared up now. Time for tea.

I love you all!

I live too

2008-10-19T07:58:00.000-07:00

I got the job at the berkeley naturopathic clinic! Starting in a week and a half. I could be starting immediately, but didn't feel it was a good thing to break off my temp job on a Saturday. Even if it's temporary, they still deserve the respect of a week's notice.

Ah. I feel really great. It's 8am on a Sunday morning. The house is sleeping while I internet and drink tea. The fast has been amazing. It's like my brain has decided it will no longer put up with my personal bullshit and self-deception. It lets me know clearly what is the right decision. I always thought of myself as a variety of small problems, but when I am able to see that they all stem from one major problem, it's both a relief and a little upsetting.

So yeah, things are working out. I had a good talk with F yesterday, and then we drove out to the SF bathhouse ruins. I sat in a cave and watched the seagulls go mad. We took the scenic way home past Lake Merced and talked about music. Then watched a weird Joe movie, called They Live. About a -6 for me. (Oh haha, look at that, imdb says it was made in 1988. We were all guessing late 70's/early 80's.) It was a good day in the end!

Males can skip this paragraph if necessary for personal well-being. I got my period the fourth day of my fast, with no PMS warning at all. Cramps were the usual significant severity, but lasted about an hour, as opposed to the usual 3 or 4 hours. I'm most impressed with my lack of desire for baked goods and fries. Perhaps I should go on a mini-cleanse the few days before my period every month, bypass the cravings.

The past month or so I haven't been able to fit into many of my pants. Yesterday I was able to wear my favorite jeans again. I feel hopeful that I'll able to continue breaking the carb addiction once the fast is over. I'd like my pants to be my pants again, instead of some other hotter girl's pants. How can you respect yourself when you don't even fit into your own life? Sometimes superficial things like weight are important for feeling like you're living your life instead of someone else's. Know what I mean? Small changes create big ripples, and confidence is really a way of life. I feel like I'm living a completely new life when I walk through the streets with positive self-awareness (as opposed to either non-awareness or negative self-awareness). Every interaction is changed.

Setting up some goals for the week:
1) Take the time to really observe the unique things about a person, and what they are feeling
2) Smile and talk to a few strangers (thanks F!)
3) Spread the gospel....haha, jk my friends
4) Say goodbye and make some connections with the coworkers I'm leaving

I am not a human

2008-10-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

Fasting is a peculiar feeling, one of those things I always forget about until I experience it again. A little achy in the joints, like coming down with a fever, wide open eyes, soft skin, unusual saliva taste, strange temperature sensations, a desire to go to bed at 9pm. But the weirdest part about it is suddenly you're no longer part of the human race. I can't describe how weird it is not to take part in social eating, how much of your attention is drawn towards every morsel others are eating. I lose my hunger very quickly, usually in about 24 hours at most, so that's never a problem, it's more about having to constantly reinforce the decision not to eat when around others who are eating. And not really being able to make plans, because every fun day includes a restaurant or a picnic or popcorn at the movies. or whatever. This fast is definitely easier than past fasts though, probably for 2 reasons: 1) I'm having some soup/green smoothie/whole fruits, rather than juice, which isn't causing the sugar ups-and-downs, quite a gentle detox really. 2) I've done this a few times, it's not so hard being around others eating...at least not yet.

I might ramp up the fast over the weekend, to lemon/herbal water and tea only. We'll see how it goes. I don't want to force myself to stick to an extreme set of rules this time, because then if I get sick/bored of what I have to ingest, or I start to feel really weak, I can just switch things up, or have some avocado or something. Hopefully this will all help with the increase in migraine frequency of late. It's been pretty bad. I definitely need to treat myself better for a while. I sometimes fantasize about getting F to join in with me on self-love trips, like a week of sauna, dry brushing, meditating, diet change, etc. But he's so content where he is that I can't justify pushing him too much. Ah well, it's probably better that I take care of myself alone. I'm the only one that can help me, other's participation doesn't change things. I hate when other people aggressively tell me what to do. I should use my knowledge and hermit ways to reinforce internal strength, and stop expending needless energy to change those that don't want to be changed. Power conservation isn't just about environmentalism :)

Which half is bigger

2008-10-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

I went to a Naturopathy info forum on Saturday. I wanted to stick around at the end and ask science-related questions, but the cognitive dissonance grew too great and I ended up fleeing the scene, and bursting into tears upon home arrival. People's beliefs are so strong, that it's hard not to take conflict personally. I'm still glad I attended, and the participants were completely reasonable people, but sometimes I feel that I'm the only one out there without strong ideology. It was good to talk to Matt S. at the Acadia party on Saturday, because he's in a similar career dilemma, but has a much more chill outlook.

Acadia gave me a hangover, the first one I've had in a while. I ate McDonalds on Sunday morning, which solved the acute problem, while perhaps contributing to other longer term problems, but what can you do. Then I headed over to Dolores park for Jon's bday and watched the Blue Angels fly by while lying half asleep on a blanket. I successfully continued avoiding my career woes throughout the rest of the evening, and have only turned to face them once again this sunny Monday morning.

Francisco sustained himself on morsels the entire weekend. He was obsessed, and said the word "morsels" about 15 times yesterday. He loves tapas and varieties of strong flavors, but yesterday he embraced these joys to such an extent that I couldn't help but laugh every time the m word came up.

There isn't really anything thrillingly new going on. I have nothing to do at work but think about career dilemmas. It's an ok place to be, but I'm ready for some movement again. Maybe I just need to fast. Something to spur me out of complacency and recession.

Worms

2008-10-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

Every spring the worms come out and flood the sidewalk. Or at least, they do on the East Coast. They don't do that in CA. There's not enough rain to encourage that sort of soil exodus. This morning I found myself missing that experience. It's not even spring, but I'm in a spring mood. Probably because of my whole messed up world clock. Are you feeling the spring in NZ yet? Are things fresh and new?

It's October 1st people. That's a good date. C'mon, is there anyone who hates on October? It's the best month. Comes in like a lamb and ends with candy. Everything is starting to die. We start planning our Christmas vacations (unless you're one of those crazy people that does that in July.) Finally it's ok to be just a little bit goth. One year when I was living in Boston, I visited Salem, Massachusetts in late September. Right at the beginning of their tourist season. The haunted houses were fun, but the thing that struck me the most was that EVERY SINGLE LOCAL TEENAGER WAS GOTH. That was the standard. How weird is that?

I went to the So-You-Think-You-Can-Dance live show last night. It was fascinating. The flashing lights gave me a migraine though. They were so bright that my eyes were tearing up for most of the show, and when I got home I jumped straight into bed to avoid the attack. I woke up today in that weird hovering migraine state, where it probably won't ever get really bad, but it won't go away with normal techniques. Sometimes when I cut a migraine off by going to sleep (and not taking any pain medicine), it seems get stuck on pause for 20 hours. Whatever, it's bearable, and mildly interesting at this low level. Small pain --> fascinating Large pain --> fuck fuck FUCK!

Oh wow, I didn't realize how much I had to write about. I keep remember more topics. This past weekend I did my volunteer training at Charlotte Maxwell, the complementary/alternative cancer clinic for low income women. It was a draining, intense experience. Lots of art and drama therapy, topics such as the horrifying politics of cancer, a 3 hour medical overview of mainstream therapies, some demos with alternative therapies (we went on a guided therapeutic imagery tour), racism, sexism, and other cultural competency isms, a panel discussion with some patients, how to deal with grief, and an amazing group of women to do it all with.

Allen also visited us this weekend. I missed most of the Allen time, due to the above, but it was nice eating sushi with him. Before that, Kate was out here. It was really great to see her. We had a really chill couple of days. I took some time off work and lay around in Golden Gate park with her. Ah. It's hard to ignore my big sister impulses and not worry about her. She definitely doesn't need a second Mom doing that though, so I had to remind myself to be chill. What's important is that we got to hang out. It would be good to make it a regular thing, since we live so close.

I'd really like to do nothing tonight. It's been an intense week or two. Very emotional. Very introspective as well, but not in the relaxing way. I've received a couple of intense emails from NZ, and feel myself being spread around the globe, disintegrating and being absorbed by various powerful forces. At least my ego's laying low.

Case of the Nows

2008-09-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

I was walking up some stairs today, hurrying to my destination, when I suddenly felt a bit sorry for all the stairs in the world. How often are people fully present and experiencing the moment when they're on stairs? It got me to thinking that maybe there are some locations with a strong presence, at which most people passing through are fully living in the moment, and other locations with low presence. Here's a list of places and activities in which I experience consistently high or low awareness:

High:
Forest trails
Climbing & sitting in a tree
Holding a baby
Roller coaster rides
Eating creme brulee
Meeting someone I find fascinating right off the bat
Kissing
Crying
Migraines
During hurricanes, earthquakes, snow storms
The first few minutes after I get home from work
Massages
Medical procedures
Yoga
Digging a hole in the sand
Petting The Sneak

Low:
Stairs
Queues
(And waiting in general)
The first 10 minutes after entering a party full of strangers
(And stressful situations in general)
Areas near my job
At my job
Reading
TV/Movies
Airplane rides
Unenjoyable housework (bathrooms, heavy lifting)
Cardio workouts
Planning a blog entry

Plant Love

2008-09-15T14:51:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I came across the flower gardens & observatory in Golden Gate National Park. It was shortly after I moved into my first SF apartment on Haight St. Back then I felt horrible most of the time, mostly due to moving to SF and immediately getting my heart broken, and not knowing what to do with my life, and temping in call centers, and wishing every day was like burningman. I decided to walk over to Golden Gate park and see what that giant green area on the map is all about. Suddenly the sun came out, love was in the air, and flowers surrounded me. I can't decide whether the sun just decided to come out the moment I hit the gardens, or whether being in that place makes you notice the ambient sunlight more, but it snapped me out of my pity and took me to candyland.

The gardens always take me unexpectedly. It's like you can't experience the gardens unless you don't plan for them. I've been feeling low lately, due to a combo of crap diet and the job thing, and the weekend was difficult for me. I spent a lot of time with F's family and attended his cousin's wedding, struggling to socialize the whole time. It was a relief to be home alone for 3 hours yesterday, saved me from lacklusterly punching someone in the face. So, this morning I ate some more crap, and went to work to stare off into space for 4 hours. I didn't feel like eating when lunchtime rolled around, because of the dreaded candycorn tummy ache and general lack of vitality, so I forced myself to go on a walk. Eventually the gardens found me, the sun came out, and puppies had long friendly conversations. I kinda stopped at the top of the steps slack-jawed, because once again I had forgotten about that place, but it hadn't forgotten about me.

Thanks, flowers.

I'm sad that David Foster Wallace killed himself. Infinite Jest was an important book for me in college. Maybe I'm connected to him more strongly than I thought, and that's part of why I've been so down lately.

At least things with F are rockin. When I was younger I always imagined myself excelling career-wise, but being a virgin until 30 or at least generally sucking at relationships. It's funny how things turned out. I'm becoming a really awesome person to date, but am laughably lame at getting a job, or aspiring for a greater career.

Orange Triangles Sustain Local Girl for 30 Hours in Devastating Accident

2008-09-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

I bought a bag of candy corn today. Damn those things are disgusting. So sweet they make me cough, ah, I love them.

So I guess we've officially entered the marketing zone around Halloween then? They had other Halloween crap out at the supermarket. I never knew stuffed spiders could be so cute.

I always imagine a yearly calender is divided into zones. Each holiday marketing zone perfectly butts up against the next. Inside those zones are the holiday season zones where, say half the populations feels the holiday spirit, or agrees it's the holiday season. And within those zones are the actual holidays, or course. Here's a yearly schedule:
A= marketing zone
B= general holiday season aka excuse to eat junk and slack off
C= actual holiday
D= token day off

<A1 <B1 <C1> /B1> /A1> D <A2 <B2 <C2> /B2> /A2>

Actually I feel pretty good today, candy corn coma aside. Burn After Reading is out this weekend, the first movie release in a long time that I believe I am more excited about than Francisco. You are probably like, Is That Even Possible? I know, me too!

So yeah, the job thing sucks but I don't care at the moment. It's boring to think about. I've been reading lots of good science, philosophy, and political articles recently, and it's hard to pay attention to something so boring as job applications when so much awesome stuff is happening and being thought about in the world right now. I'm sure my period will bring renewed angst, but until then, suck it hotjobs/recruiters/jaded office managers.

Painererer

2008-09-09T15:53:00.000-07:00

I ache today. Not from yoga last night. That was awesome. I'm on a free week of yoga, and my body feels really good. But my heart aches. Every job rejection chips another piece off. People tell me I'm great, that they like me, that they're excited by my passion, my goals, my education. And then....nothing. It's really hard for me to keep going (with the job search, not my life). I find myself thinking that maybe I need to go through this in order to really value what I do, to not take anything for granted. But, since I don't believe in destiny or god lessons, that's probably something my nicer mind has made up to make me feel better. Aw. She's nice. She wants me to feel good, to be inspired, to think I'm great.

I'm having a hard time writing this, it's too painful. Guess I'll just keep plodding away. I can't talk to my mom right now, it'll make me start crying. When I feel good, she's great, and when I have a problem, she helps, but when it's a wall like this, I can't handle her. She gives me a lot of "what-ifs," but I don't want to contemplate them. She tells me I'm great and will do amazing things, but that won't penetrate right now, and might even make me pissed off about this "unfair" situation. I just want to feel sad for a while and not have to make any decisions.

I walked and walked during lunch today. Actually it was before lunch. The fire alarm went off and I walked out of the building and kept on walking until I hit Trader Joe's. I came back just in time for a meeting I had forgotten about. I forgot to eat lunch until now. I feel out of it and sad. I'll probably lose weight this week, cancel plans, and not be able to smell. My friends and family are alive and well, so it's pretty ridiculous that I'm acting like somebody died.

I did think of something good today though. Usually I envy people who have already gotten their higher degrees and are able to do their dream jobs, but today I remembered that they are done with school, and that I am not. I love school, and I get to do it again. If it wasn't financially reckless I'd take my time to finish. I can't wait to be a student again. Someday.....

Everytime someone from my Long Island past joins the McCain/Palin support groups on Facebook, it twists my heart a little more.

Pain Ratio
1 Job rejection =
3 discoveries of Palinites =
3 hugs, a yoga class, 2 cats & 5 Joe laughs to repair

Doors and windows

2008-09-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

Apparently these people are related to me. I just had a nice amusing conversation with Grandma (who has always declared she has no living relative other than us). She googled her family name and found this website, then wrote to the Admin who said she had specifically put the site up 5-odd years ago to find my grandma. Fascinating!

In other news, I went on the most exciting job interview today. It's at this hearing aid fitting practice. The guy who runs it used to be a professor at UCSF in biophysics/neuroscience, and runs his practice like a research lab. Most audiologists are salesmen in white coats, with minimal training in audition theory, but this place is so incredibly different. It's not all about sales, as some of my other interviews have been, because they're not fighting to convince anyone. Customers come by word of mouth. He can't even sell new model hearing aids, because they are no longer designed to have complex fiddle-factor (ever since he published a certain research paper a few years ago, which scared off many manufacturers from providing this ability), so he buys an old model and redesigns it to custom fit each patient. I am so incredibly excited right now. So what if it's in Walnut Creek? This is a field with enormous potential, and I would be losing out if I didn't jump in. I think they appreciated my enthusiasm and educational background, so here's hoping!

I know it's you!

2008-09-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, that applied kinesiology place is hiring yet again. I met the lady who was the previous office manager, she was really nice. I wonder whether she quit because Sarah the chiropractor is crazy, or whether she got fired along with everyone else that's tried to work there this year. She'd only been employed for a few weeks when I met her.

Google reader is awesome, it's allowing me to stalk clinics in the bay area. I'm like an internet detective or something.

Potential

2008-08-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

I was definitely getting down again yesterday about the whole plateau-ed job hunt, but things are starting to gear up again. I have an interview next week at this hearing aid center, where I would act as a consultant, testing people's hearing aids, checking their ears for wax, and some reception/admin stuff. That sounds kind of neat yeah? I've always liked audition (not auditions though). My career plan continues to take shape, and I may be enrolling in a 10 week medical assisting course sometime in the next few months. I can't afford it, but, eh, what's another $2100 on top of my existing loans, right? It really depends what kind of job I get. If I manage to land something that offers opportunites for medical direct-patient-contact advancement, or that provides such training, then I won't need to take the course. The goal right now is to have medical responsibility for at least a year, so that I can get into a Physician Asst. program. Yup, I've pretty much decided that the naturopathic program isn't for me. Too many questions, not enough proof. My heart is still a scientist. Sort of a hippy scientist. I figure the PA program is half as long, half as expensive, scientifically sound, and will allow me to be semi-autonomous in future jobs (unlike an RN, but more like a Nurse Practitioner), thereby giving me the opportunity to infuse my practice with a holistic, mind-body connection, nutrition and healthy lifestyle-heavy slant.

I mean, things aren't great, but at least the plan is there, glittering above just beyond eyesight. I earned $390 last week after taxes, which is not a happy number. It's hard for me to imagine breaking even, let alone funding future studies, getting health insurance, or even, yikes, putting some away into savings, but I'm trying not to worry too much. Live in the moment. Breathe it in and start the disco machine. It's Friday afternoon, can you feel it? Potential snaps in the air, crisp and fresh. Everyone is holding their breath. Streets and signs, floors and tables, bodies and minds are being wiped down and scrubbed up, just to be made broken and dirty again. The great cycle of rebirth. It happens every week. It's happening right now.

That's the spirit!

2008-08-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else get that warm fuzzy feeling when they give a someone good directions? I'm starting to be able to give lost souls directions about this new building I'm working in. Once I was even able to give directions to ANOTHER building. My heart feels warm and gushy.

Hi ho hi ho, I had a lazy weekend yo. It was awesome. I sat around reading American Gods, by Neil Gaiman, for ~85% of Sunday, and I STILL haven't finished it. It's long. What I like about it is that it's about America, all the nitty gritty happenings in the present day, but infused with fantasy. The way he's balanced things with just enough fantasy (and a dark fantasy, which makes it a little more realistic), makes it feel like it could really be happening. I read a lot of out-there stuff, but lately have been tending more towards darker realistic material, and this book is a great blend of the two.

Let's see, did I leave the house at all this weekend...yes. We went out to Dim Sum at Ton Kiang on Saturday. I was being real moody on the way over, but fortunately Ton Kiang is delicious enough to slap me on the backside of my head and say, "Shut it and salivate lady!" After that F and I lazed about for a bit and then did domestic things, which were desperately needed. Later on some peeps came over for Rock Band practice. I've figured out how to use the drum foot peddle without causing leg fatigue and am now a rockin percussionist, just like I always dreamed I would be :)

It's old o'clock! Happy Birthday Allen! I can't believe it's your birthday already. Next week is Cary's bday, and then it will be about time for my sister's. I think the best thing about Facebook is that it tells you about upcoming birthdays. That's maybe it's only useful feature. A lot of it is crappy ways for people to email you. Oh look, they can write comments on pictures, comments on walls, private comments, and even, my favorite, COMMENTS ON COMMENTS. Thanks guys. I have a hard enough time keeping track of regular email.

Can't find lonely hearts club

2008-08-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

Man, I just rock at being alone. I am so good at it. I am alone almost all day at this job and I am loving it. Today I started the Medical School curriculum at wikiversity. Also, I finished a book, had a nice conversation with Francisco, quickly checked in that yes, I do not in fact have an email address yet, found 1 file for 1 professor, had an amazing free breakfast (smoothie, tea, frittata, lox bagel, sweet potato hash browns, strawberry french toast) at an annual start-of-the-semester department meeting, took a long walk, and started a second book. Ahhhhhh.

I took a trip last week by myself, while the housemates were away, and someone asked me if I had been lonely at all. It startled me to hear that question, because the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. Dang. I could be alone for quite a while I think, as long as I know there are people out there who love me or are thinking good thoughts about me. I could be alone so hard it would hurt. But in the good way.

Oh look, almost 5, time to check out of this place for the day. Jade is in town, which means Tequila and a late night for me. Which means it's nap time soon. Have a rockin Wednesday, folks, with either vivacious good people or by yourself, whichever you prefer.

Dawn days

2008-08-19T10:19:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning at 6:30, in preparation for that work thing, and The Cheat was plaintively meowing away. But where? I couldn't find him anywhere. Finally, I remembered that CLODAGH IS IN TOWN! and therefore staying in our basement, and therefore, the cat may have gotten stuck in the basement. Sho nuf, there he was. Bet he was glad I'm in the habit of 6:30am days. Oh no, wait, he's a cat. He probably forgot I had let him out before I had finished letting him out. jerk.

So yeah, for the next 2 or 3 weeks I have a temp admin job at USF. It's pretty cush. I have my own office, internet, and not much to do until they set me up with email and system access. In a few days I'll be glad for some work though, there's only so much interneting I can do before feeling ultra guilty. Everyone here is super nice...maybe because they're all Christians? My supervisor is a nun. Should I feel weird being an agnostic at a Christian college?

Naah. We're all people. And most of the people I grew up with were Christians. I was a weirdo then, I can be one again.

And more importantly, a Clodagh is waiting at home for me! Well, knowing her and Danica, they're definitely not waiting. They're probably already out and about in the shitty SF weather. They got in late last night when I was chillin with the sandman. Oooh, it'll be so cool to come home today. The Ardents are back as well, so it'll be a party and a half. Joe has brought disease back with him from New Zealand though, so maybe it will be a very quiet party. I wonder if I should organize a new friday on C's behalf? Hmmmm, so many things to think about, at this job made of nothing but thinking time.

Heh, I just got a call from another staffing agency. They never got back to me when I followed up with them, so I'm not gonna do them a favor and switch to their temp job. He sounded so sad on the phone. Honestly, I really can't deal with recruiters and staffing agencies right now. It's too complicated, and turns up the worst corporate jobs. To much noise-to-signal. I'm only looking for directly posted jobs now. From small businesses, either healthcare, nature or nonprofit-oriented. Or a flexible part-time position, so that I can do that 2-days-a-week naturopathic thing in the East Bay.

Sucking up the good vibes

2008-08-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks for sending the good vibes, they're helping a lot.

Actually, what also helped to give me some larger perspective was an interview I had at Charlotte Maxwell Complementary Clinic last night. CMCC is a volunteer organization (all the practitioners are volunteers!) that offers alternative and natural therapies to low/no income women with cancer, in conjunction with their mainstream treatment. It is one of the most amazing organizations I've ever seen. I had a group interview with 3 other women (the organization is almost entirely run by women; male volunteers can only do behind-the-scenes work) and it was so touching how honest and emotionally involved they all were. We were there to do great things, which I had forgotten about in the course of my interview run. One of the women was so happy to be there, after decades in the corporate world, that she started crying. We had a Jin shin practitioner, an acupuncturist, a translator (about 40% of the patients don't speak English, being poor immigrants and all), and me, an office support staffer. Over the course of my volunteering, I will be able to learn about mixing herbs as well. This is the first place I've gone to where they're actually interested in furthering my education. And also, where a huge emphasis is placed on making the women feel comfortable, and reassuring them that getting cancer was not their fault.

Hallelujah! Yes. The holistic belief that we can be perfect healthy human beings, if only we try hard enough, drives me nuts. Sometimes environment, socioeconomic factors, and genetics get in the way. We can't all be toxin free enlightened machines.

Anyway, it's not a job, I still need a job and things are still dire, but I had reached a moment yesterday where I no longer believed in what I'm doing, and have been given it back tenfold. I'm not sure what to do next, and am starting to think that maybe starting at the bottom is not the answer, which leaves me with 2 options: 1) go to school sooner. 2) find an administrative position in an advocacy or support agency related to alternative medicine, allowing me to use my super admin skills for something more engaging than a receptionist position.

Hmmmmm.

Last night some of us climbed to the top of a hill in a North Bay park and watched the stars. We woke up at 5:30 am, hungover and content. I slept until 11:30, took a long shower, put on my yukata, and am sitting in a warm summer breeze, gathering up the gumption to cancel this interview at the Applied Kinesiology clinic. Then I will meditate. It's time to take care of my mind for a bit.

I am tired of this job search.

2008-08-12T12:17:00.001-07:00

I am really sad right now.

Yesterday was a hard day. I traveled all over the bay area going to interviews. The first 2 were second interviews. The first one, the one which I had pinned a lot of hope on, was at an East Bay naturopathic practice. I met the head ND for the first time, who didn't tell me the same story the office manager had told me a couple weeks earlier. When she then called the office manager in, there were a lot of weird silent eye glances, and I could tell they had a not-completely-open relationship. Also, I couldn't read the doctor at all and felt we might not work well together. She went on about my horoscope for a while. Oh Boy.

And then on to my second interview, with a crazily intense HR consultant and a reticent doctor. There were 5 people in the room interviewing me, which actually didn't bother me at all, and reminded me that I work best in front of crowds because there's always at least one person rooting for me. The HR intense dude was mildly appalled that I didn't have a car and would often be busing to work in the north bay. Alright, fair enough, I have that concern too. It was just strange to hear such a personal concern coming out of a stranger's mouth.

Now onto the third, and weirdest interview. It took place in an Applied Kineseology (AK) clinic. I had just assumed it was a holistic nutrition/chiropractic clinic. It turns out nutrition + chiropractic often = AK. AK is weird, too weird for me. There is absolutely no scientific basis for it, but it pretends there is (as opposed to things like Reiki that don't pretend to be science, and therefore are usually ok in my book). Also, the doctor is intense, mile-a-minute talker. She's fired 3 people in the last 3 months because no one is up to the task for the position. She offers a starting salary of $12/hr, so of course she isn't finding anyone good enough for the task! Arg. I think it would be kind of fun accompanying her into the therapy rooms taking notes (I love that kind of work), but she would probably eventually get on my nerves. Also, a big part of the job is SALES SALES SALES (She repeated the sales mantra at least 3 times), which, let's be honest, is not my favorite activity. So a big ol NO on that.

And now for the saddest news. I followed up with the naturopathic clinic in the city, my dream job that I've been hoping to hear back from, and it turns out they offered the job to someone else. ..................

I have nothing to say about that. I can only cry. This is the absolute worst. I've been working so hard, interviewing my ass off, maintaining enthusiasm, developing my education, battling pseudoscience criticism, trying to find therapies that appeal to my slower, whole mind-body approach to life while at the same time being grounded in scientific basis, and it's just getting me so down. I feel like I'm fighting an unusual and impossible battle. There are tons of conventional medicine skeptics out there, and tons of swallow-whatever-you-show-me true believers, but where are the people like me in the middle? What am I supposed to do? Is this career even possible for me? God, I'm so devastated. I have negative money and I'm so tired. I had mentioned a girls night at my house for thursday, but now I just want to be alone. Even the temp agency isn't returning my calls. That is low.

This is definitely the lowest point of my job search so far. I can't take much more of this.

Stars n stuff

2008-08-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

I've gone to campouts the past 2 weekends, which has been a great way to climb down from the job hunt throne and reset. Job hunting can turn into an all-consuming thing, know what I mean?

I thought the fnf campout 2 weeks ago was great because it was a smaller group of people than in years past, and the theme of the weekend was simplify simplify. However, in my opinion it just couldn't compete with the campout this past weekend. Fnf was hectic and huge compared to our low-key, downtempo, 30-some-odd person event in the Tahoe national forest, on a hilltop with a small lake, overlooking 2 more lakes far below. I mean, damn. Camping is supposed to be easy, but I always forget this when I'm part of burningman and other complicated campout ventures. This weekend was FREE, outside of transpo costs, quiet, spacious, and it was easy to find a soft shady spot for my tent because there weren't a gazillion people all crowding around me. I swam naked in the lake, officially breaking my nude-y barrier 2 weekends in a row. The stars, the stars...both weekends they were out in vivid force. We basically had a giant group date last Saturday night, when a dozen of us laid down on the rocks and watched the comets, while our friend played a happy chill set.

Oh, and last night Kris decided it was time to make some steak, crab risotto, spinach, mushrooms and hazelnut chocolate cake...because it was a monday? It's easy to convince her to use her gourmet cooking skills for 6 or 7 hours straight. Shhhh, don't tell her I told you that. Or wait, maybe you should. Then she'll cook for you too. Holy crap it was good. I killed and gutted some crabs, which was just awesome. You don't scare me, shellfish. I know where your pull tab is.

Oh, and also, job stuff seems to be working out. I went on an interview Friday afternoon for my dream job, and the office manager liked me. Then I got another email back from this other possible clinic, the one that likes me but isn't looking to hire anyone for a few months, and the head doctor wants to meet with me. And finally, yesterday I heard back from this holistic women's cancer care volunteer clinic, so it looks like I'll be bagging my dream volunteer job, making it slightly less important that I get a dream paying job, since I'll still be racking up the alternative health experience & making ties with doctors. I mean, I need to get paid somehow, but if my 2 naturopathic leads don't work out, I feel ok about broadening my search. Oh, and tomorrow for lunch I'm meeting with an ND MIT alum. AND my health problem vanished. And the cats are ok. And I did my laundry. And you're starting to feel sick reading about my neutrally stellar life, aren't you.

When things are going well my posts aren't as interesting, but maybe on some small level you feel reassured that there is one more person out there who is being responsible, enjoying life, and not losing their mind. In this world that's a significant reassurance, don't you think?

Aiight, it's been good talking to you. I've got to get back to reviewing organic chem and paying my credit card. Dream big, my friends.

Also, I really needed to pee afterwards.

2008-07-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Chiropractic is weird and awesome! I don't know if all chiropractors are like the one I went to (Dr Rubin has a strong San Francisco-y energy work holistic attitude towards his work), but it was not what I expected at all. So, I went on a job interview with him a couple weeks ago, and he offered all interview-ees a free appt. Being poor and curious, I jumped on that bandwagon like a...um...member of the band. They must like group things at Northpoint Chiropractic, because first there was the group interview, and then it was a group session of health participants (they refuse to call clients "patients," and I'm struggling to come up with a better term). It was actually really neat to be in a group setting, to hear everyone's groans, sighs, and snippets of conversation. At one point this man with a strong accent went through something intense on the other side of the room (it sounded like a staple gun, and the doctor even called it that! Terrifying!) and the man said, "It's like love. You never know when it's gonna hurt or not." I think he said it better than that, but most of the room started giggling, which helped me relax more.

Anyway, it started off with some light, precise, and asymmetrical touching, which made me feel...kind of slanted? And warm. At one point he did something to my feet and it felt like he was holding his hands a mm off them for a couple minutes, until I heard his voice on the other side of the room. My face and chest felt really warm and funny. I was like, "Holy crap, this is fo realz!" In later passes the adjustments got more intense, and there was definitely some crackage of my mid/upper back (aahh, the perfect spot that I didn't even realize was scrunched up) and my neck. I've never had my neck cracked before, but it didn't hurt at all. It was just...intense. The whole thing was intense and strange. He did something to my jaw at the very end and asked me if I "bite my tongue (metaphorically)" and that whole exchange made me tear up. He gave me a stuffed bear to hold at the end. I thought it was a pillow at first and was kinda lying there stunned. Then I looked down to find this teddy bear staring up at me. Somehow it didn't feel awkward at all. What a weird and wonderful experience. Energy work sounds ok to me now.

Which is good, because I read this article and this follow-up letter yesterday and was questioning my whole decision to enter alternative medicine. Dr. Atwood's arguments against naturopaths as primary care physicians were cogent and sound, and I look forward to being that annoyingly sceptical student who questions the scientific validity of every naturopathic remedy. And, alternatively, questions whether a large double-blind study is the only evidence strong enough to support wide-spread use of a specific method or remedy.

2008-07-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry Burningman, I have other priorities. You are still in the back of my mind, but my life is too important right now to schedule around you.

People have started offering me affordable tickets. My inability to accept them must mean something, and I guess I'm ok with that. My life is changing so quickly these days and things are getting interesting enough that Burningman is more like a weighty nuisance than a rewarding adventure.

Oh well, aging.

We had a really good housewarming party yesterday. A lot of people came. I was surprised to wake up at 2am and hear people downstairs still partying it up on a Sunday night, but that's the kind of crazy people we know. Some out-of-towner pikans showed up randomly, and the MIT factor was pretty overwhelming until about 10 o'clock, after which only the hardened partykidz had enough stamina to keep things going. There's still some mess downstairs, and I found some pretty horrific stuff on the porch this morning, but all in all the mess was totally manageable, and the floors are only subtly sticky. The dishwasher has a new and exciting drool problem.

subtly sticky, maybe that would be a good band name or email address.

My financial situation has officially reached the point where I am willing to accept temp work. The temp agency is my bitch, I am not it's bitch. Maybe if I repeat that enough times it will sink in, and I won't fall into the temp hole again.

The temp hole: Where apathetic admins go to die.

On today's list: apply to a volunteer job, close NZ bank account and extract all funds from them, ask MIT for my transcript, stay positive, stay focused, finish cleaning dripwasher.

Hearts California

2008-07-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you why I love California.

I am currently unemployed. For some reason I never put 2 and 2 together to figure out that this means I'm "low income." I went to Planned Parenthood today for a gynecology exam, and, after filling out a questionnaire, discovered that I was entitled to FREE HEALTH CARE. I thought it was free because PP is a nice place that takes care of poor people, but later on I headed over to Walgreens to fill a prescription, which I found out would cost THREE HUNDRED FORTY SEVEN DOLLARS. Out of curiosity I handed them the green card that PP had given me. Once again, my costs were ZERO DOLLARS.

Today I saved ~$600, because California is a nice place. I feel like crying. Outside of K-12 schooling and libraries, I've never taken advantage of public benefits before. It's really empowering to know there is so much available. There is no shame in taking advantage of these things. Sometimes we need them.

Using public health care today makes it very difficult for me to justify expensive dinners and events for a good while. If I'm telling people I have zero income, I should really start acting like it. It's hard to resist when so many people around me enjoy the fruits of their computer labors on lavish meals, festivals, camping weekends, and elaborate parties, but I think today's lesson will help enforce my abstention... at least for a while. Um, not including fnf. Or that campout the following weekend. Or party costs for our housewarming this weekend.

CRAP!

The Excellent Day

2008-07-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

Yay! Behind the back weave! I'm doing this poi performance at the fnf campout and was instructed by Jessi to practice practice practice. So I have been, and somehow, the performance incentive made me learn the btb weave. I've been trying that move for the past year and a half with no success! I found this really great instructional video at poiplay. This site has really gotten me inspired. If you're like me and stalled out after learning all the basic beginner moves, these videos are really fun to watch, and break things down into easily learnable steps. Next up I'm going to tackle antispin moves and isolations.

We forgot about Francisco's birthday until about 11pm the night before, but somehow managed to cobble together a birthday plan for yesterday. We went out for dinner at Millennium (vegan heaven, a little surprising that it was Francisco's choice, but very very pleasing), and then onward to the Velvet Cantina for drinks, where an excellent number of people managed to make it out on a Tuesday night. I'm glad F had a good bday, even if there were no surprises from me. So terrible. Ah well, I know he'd do the same for me :)

Oh yeah, and Zoe flew off for Italy yesterday too. Too many awesome things happening, help! She'll be organic farming, something I always meant to do in NZ but never got around to for...laziness reasons I guess. Mom says she's already having to speak Italian, out of necessity.

But enough about all that, it's Nikhila's wedding this weekend!!! When I first met her we were both in a bad state, and took walks together commiserating over breakup heartache, so it's extremely satisfying to see her getting married now. The present day is shiny and hopeful, and the past is dead, a humorous footnote in the glory of our current lives. Yay for Nikhila! May your future be full of satisfaction and love, with short bits of the interesting kind of challenges, and long bits of relaxation.

Clarity

2008-07-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's really scary to have a clear head, because you know exactly what you need but are not quite ready to adapt to solve that need. Also, you're fully aware of how to solve your own shortcomings, but still stubbornly refuse to accept the solution hitting your head.

Anyway.

We just got home after seeing the new Will Smith movie Hancock. I am in bed with The Sneak. I can tell she's been outside because her fur is on the cold side. Before the movies we went on a little hike around Muir beach. It was good to be outside. We visited Green Gulch Farm and sat around for a while in a zen spot surrounded by apple trees and bamboo. That place would be fun to meditate and farm at for a couple weeks. The produce looked healthy and easy to grow. I wonder if I've ever eaten anything from there. I wonder if I could grow stuff like that. My NZ roommate said it takes years to get a good feel for gardening.

I have a job interview this week. It's close to what I want to do, but not ideal. I want something perfect to come through, but I also don't want to wait too long. I think perhaps it's not a terrible thing to give a clear picture of my goals and dreams during the interview, and then accept the job if they decide to hire me. We'll all be on the same page, and they'll know what I want, and that I'm planning on going back to school. Then if something perfect shows up, no one will be surprised if I decide to change jobs.

I just found out that even though I had zero US income last year, I still receive an economic stimulus check, since I declared in my taxes that I earned money in NZ. $300, surprise! Here Vanessa, have some food for a few weeks. You earned it. Love, the US government. My check comes on Friday supposedly.

I wonder if the NZ gov owes me any money, since I didn't work a full year there but was taxed as though I did. Wouldn't that just be AMAZING!?

Clean hair

2008-07-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm over the hump!

I have a small health thing bugging me, but other than that, things are good. My greasy weekend was PMS, how boringly unoriginal. C'mon, is that the best you got body.

Some of Francisco's friends from NZ are in town at the moment, so last night we went out to El Metate followed by Tres Agaves for some fine burritos and tequila. They are fun people, and easy to relax around, as I find many kiwis to be. Last night really struck home how much I miss NZ. Not really the scenery or Wellington, but the people. I still find the people here a bit too intense, but my filters are back up now and I'm successfully ignoring much of the noise. My system easily gets overloaded, and I'm sure all you introverts out there can understand where I'm coming from.

Still mostly job-hunting. It's great to not have to stress about it, what with some savings and a lot of help from Francisco. I can really take my time finding an appropriate position. I'd be thrilled to find one in the next few weeks of course, but I'm not sweating bullets and signing up with temp agencies yet. I NEVER want to go back to how I felt in my early twenties. The rush and panic out of college, NO THANKS. All of a sudden all your friends are gone. Your new adult routine, home, academic intense lifestyle, all vanishes at once. Suddenly you're supposed to have a new solid plan with long-term goals. I do not envy Zoe one bit. It gets easier sis, I promise!

Joe and Kris are having a raw month, and I'm mostly joining in. We get this organic box every 2 weeks, and I am so into the piles of organic produce we have everywhere. I don't have to worry about anything I eat, and the peaches and tomatoes are insanely good. I recommend you get a box of your own; we get ours from Farm Fresh.

I like nit-picking good movies. We saw WALL-E two nights ago and I "complained" about how the environmental slant wasn't accurate because there's no way trash would ever become the critical problem, as other issues would kill us all off first (atmosphere, ocean, biodiversity). It amused me to read what these guys took offense with regarding the environmental slant.

Anyway, I loved WALL-E. Especially the moment in the beginning when you realize what the weird buildings are, and also when it gradually dawns on you what the humans have been up to since leaving. Pretty fucked up. I wish I had some kids to take to it.

2008-06-30T00:08:00.000-07:00

If life were a video game rating you on how disgusting you were, then this weekend I'd be triple-scoring. I've been having some sort of internal contest to see how greasy and slick my hair can get without hair products, and am proud to say I no longer need a headband or clip to keep my bangs slicked back. I've eaten a wide and awful variety of food. Today I only left the house for carbs and mimosas, and then spent the rest of the day on the couch, reading this terribly trashy series of books Kris has, about the Uglies and the Pretties. Terrible. Perfect. I've been too lazy even to check the internet. That last sentence is so confusing I can't figure out what to do with my hands when I reread it.

Well, I was quite hungover this morning from Nikhila's bachelorette party last night, so that's a reasonable excuse for some of my inactions. I don't know though, maybe I'm out of practice at dealing with hangovers since I haven't had one since NZ.

Oh man, the party. We learned some sweet burlesque dance moves (we also kept hydrated during the 2 hour dance class with sparkling wine, I bet that has something to do with the hangover) - nipple tassles, boas, cleavage, a cake shaped like a youthful female penis... Next was dinner at Basil Thai - duck curry puffs, spicy noodles, sake sake, eggplant roti, sake. Finally a bit of San Francisco car parking excitement, and then an 80's prom night dance party - some of the girls got crimped, teased, and blushed into shining beauty nightmares. All in all, worth 2 hangovers. Nikhila seems pretty chill compared to tv bridezillas, she's doing a swell job with the marriage preparation. Also, so awesome of her friends to pick a bachelorette activity for her that combined exercise, dressing up, sexiness and chocolate into one event, they know her well.

Tomorrow I might wash my hair, unpack my clothes, and eat some vegetables. And even start yoga.

Sounds like it's coming from inside my head

2008-06-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

I just finished cold emailing all the San Francisco naturopaths, and a few of the South Bay ones as well. Ah. That's a nice load off. I already received a really nice phone call back from one of them, explaining she just hired someone this week, but if it doesn't work out, she is keeping me in mind. It's nice to get some human follow-up even if nothing comes of it, because then it's not just me screaming into the void.

Kate arrived on LI yesterday. There is some intense Speedage going on here now. One of my sisters has always snored, and the other one recently found out that she now snores (I heard it last night, it is some significant snoring). And now I find out I sometimes snore, according to Zoe's friend who stayed over last week between our beds, in "surround-sound snoring." Oh no! I'm one of THOSE people! I can't begrudge Francisco anymore, or wonder why he doesn't try out those nose strips or something, because I sure don't want to use that stuff. Crap. Maybe I should take up the didgeridoo, I hear it exercises helpful muscles. Maybe it's because I don't sing full blast ever anymore. I'm hoping it's only happening because I sometimes sleep on my back these days. It's a position I can sacrifice if I have to. Everyone knows my first love is the side fetal curl, when I have sufficient pillowage.

I must say, I'm really proud of myself these days. I've been driving myself on to accomplish something every day. It feels good. Yesterday I found out many public libraries have free versions of Rosetta Stone language software online (Zoe actually deserves the credit for this discovery, and is using it to learn Italian for her Wwoof Italia experience). I am now a proud student of basic Spanish, Latin America edition. Yay! Another reason to get a library card if you haven't already. Libraries are part of what make our country great. When I first moved to San Francisco and was broke and aimless, sfpl rescued my ass (and the asses of a lot of homeless people, as I found out when I went inside).

Time Travel: Difficult

2008-06-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened to me, but somehow I managed to read all my old diaries and notes from second thru twelfth grades today. It was intensely sentimental. I guess I got in the mood after seeing people from the past at Z's graduation party yesterday. Oh, and I also met up with Jessica, my childhood neighbor, this afternoon. She seems the same, but better.

My family often accuses me of being unsentimental, but I think I avoid accumulating stuff from the past or reviewing memories because I'm TOO sentimental, and my heart hurts too much. I'd almost rather not have this stuff continuing to exist, but my mother won't let me throw it out. I read a few of the letters out loud, and Z complemented me on my amazingly mature fairness as a 14 year old. Yeah, I guess I was a good kid. I kept my emotions strongly in check, but I respected my friends and tried to see all sides of the matter. Now I have a strong desire to track down my high school boyfriend Dan. He had vanished off of the internet when I last looked in college, but it would be cool to know how he's doing. I must've kept every note he sent me or something, because I seem to have a few from every week we dated. Boy was he an effusive writer. I was so cold compared to him.

Bringing things back to the present, I just found out another good friend of mine has caught the pregnancy bug. Wishing you the best of luck, with as relaxing a birth as possible, a quick return to former weight levels afterwards, and a baby that adjusts to 9 solid hours of sleep every night within the first few months.

I can't wait to go to Las Vegas this coming weekend. I miss my friends and having a regular life. (Rereading this it sounds like I'm implying Vegas is normal life.) I want to go out and party! No matter how earnestly I tell myself that simplicity is the key to life satisfaction, sometimes after a month of being wholesome I need a little oontz, ass and beer. I want to go to a party where I know the color of everyone's underwear. Too much to ask?

Ideas and dreams of all kinds

2008-06-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

Burningman: Statue of Abraham Lincoln, holding out his hat (has lid on top). Inside hat is papers with dreams for people...in case they need one.

Fight with Lewis Black against corporations that exploit tax loopholes on July 17.

Finally get that Wolphin subscription. Throw in a subscription to Nutrition Action while I'm at it. Oh, and of course Bust. These 3 magazines successfully cover all my magazine interests. Kris leaves US Weekly lying around for those...other times.

Aerial Acrobatics class

A living room setup that easily allows me to exercise while watching tv (without annoying roomates)

A youtube series on fitness and metacognitive function. Soundtrack suggestions welcome.

1) Get Job 2) Donate Laptop 3) Save $ for graduate school

Enjoy serious conversations with Francisco

Eat no more snack cakes until January 28, 2009

2008-06-03T08:26:00.001-07:00

I've been refining YogaDance! this morning. It's becoming more specialized, and I worry whether people with minimal dance or yoga experience will actually be able to do it, but oh well. It makes me feel good, and will be fun to videotape and edit once I'm reunited with my camcorder (and Francisco's editing software) again.

Yesterday I updated my resume, so that's a relief. I gotta do my taxes before June 15 and, um, start applying to jobs now. That's about all that's on my radar at the moment. I had a great time up in Montreal last week, although already it seems so far away, especially after spending 2 or 3 (slightly weird) days in Vermont. It was a relief to get back to LI and the internet, that's for sure. I'm not sure what to think of Mom and George's relationship, but it gave me a slightly itchy irritated feeling. I'm allergic to power struggles or something.

I'd always assumed it would be slightly easier to get bored when you get older, as certain activities become monotonous. In case you were wondering, that assumption is false. I remember that hellish summer I spent on LI after my first year of college, doing almost nothing and lying on the couch all the time. That was the worst. I didn't even realize I was depressed at the time, because it was a new state for me. Anyway, that was really boring, so I was worried that I might get a little down and bored spending all this time on LI without a job. It turns out, as long as you keep engaging your mind, it eventually gets into the habit of always finding interesting puzzles to ruminate on, and it becomes close to impossible to get bored. I keep finding new things to think about, because I have basic understanding of more concepts/events/people. We should teach our children more about how to become intellectually obsessed with things, rather than retaining facts. It's important to start boredom busting habits young, to create hope and minimize depression, as well as creating enthusiasm for solving the most difficult problems. People say this stuff all the time, but I wanted to chime in my support for the idea.

Tomorrow I'm going to New Haven to visit Vis and Audrey, her new baby. It feels good to have domestic tasks. I don't think it would be too bad to be one of those bustling middle age women who creates strong community networks and in her spare time tests various stain removal methods. Travel and adventure is so 2007.

I'm actually planning my future

2008-05-21T08:26:00.002-07:00

I was starting to get worried about the direction my life will head in if I enter a doctoral program in naturopathic medicine next year. Well, first off, I'll be way in debt. But second and more important, I won't be able to have a baby for the next eight years or so, if I want to establish my career after graduating. Francisco said, "So what?" You'll be 35. That's how old Kris is NOW. It's not the end of the world.

He's right, it's not. Also, I think I was substituting having a baby for having other engaging interests. Let's face it, I haven't extensively pursued any interests since graduating FIVE YEARS AGO. This is a major turning point for me, and I'm pretty excited about the idea. Debt schmedt, right? The more I read about Naturopathic physicians, the more I realize it's what I've been looking for all this time. I wish I knew who that guy at Leila's was who suggested it.

The really weird thing about all this is I'm really excited about things being difficult. I've missed hard work a lot. I wasn't ready for it before, but I am now. Comparing this round of school research with the last round as a high school student, it's almost laughable how much more I want things now. I was afraid to ask people questions back then, and made a lot of decisions blindly. Now I want to talk to everyone. I sent an email to someone through the MIT career advice alumni network, and Dad is going to connect me with his acupunturist, who he thinks is a really intelligent guy.

I don't think this career path dovetails from my former aspirations to live a little off the grid someday, either. Someone with my training would be really useful in an intentional community. Plus, if I work hard for a decade maybe I'll actually have enough fundage to make it a reality.

I'm not sure how savings will ever figure into all of this, assuming it'll take a decade to pay off those massive loans. Maybe it's for the best that I can't have children. If enough of my friends and relatives have kids, I could be that awesome aunty. Maybe that's enough. Or maybe I'll adopt a kid when I'm in my forties. There are a lot of options. That is what it means to be white, educated, and American: Options. I am grateful for the choices I get to make. Just last week it seemed like a curse. If I were hungry and dirt poor, I wouldn't have to think about all this stuff. I could kick myself now for thinking that way.

Things are really really great. I had a nice lunch and afternoon chat with my Nanna and Pop-pop yesterday. They have interesting things to say when I pay attention. I'm sorry to hear Nanna is having troublesome health issues, but at least her mind is still sharp. It's comforting to see that all 4 of my grandparents have managed to maintain clarity of mind, outside of minor memory troubles. I am likely to have diabetes, high blood pressure, or breast cancer, but not Alzheimers.

In a tizzy

2008-05-19T05:32:00.002-07:00

I've been researching naturopathic programs this morning. Things are looking good. I suppose I should be looking at actual jobs too. You know, like, for money. It's hard to focus this passionate energy in that direction. What's the mental equivalent of a parabolic mirror?

Anyhoo, I've been doing that excited talking to myself thing, pacing around Mom's apartment selling myself to the air. The air is ready to hire me, that's for sure. If only I was so composed and persuasive in front of other people. Maybe I need to sign up for a fake interview service. I'm sure that kind of thing exists, right? Pretty much any job I can dream up exists. There are a lot of people in this world of micro-specialists.

I'm still not bored, can you believe it? Apparently I have a lot to think about, because these days at Mom's are whizzing by. I went to the mall one day, but other than that I've just been exercising, reading, and chillin with the cat. Mom's writer friend Howard brought his wife's bike over yesterday. Maybe I'll ride to Middle Island today. There's a pond there we used to ride to in high school. Bikes are a feature in many of my best childhood memories, and I plan to make them a permanent feature in my future. When I first lived in San Francisco I feared the hills and traffic, but now I'm fitter and think it will be just fine. Ever since beginning this gym era, my legs have been in excellent condition. Seriously, they're my best feature below the neck. They are some damn fine gams.

It's all gone fish-shaped

2008-05-12T09:59:00.004-07:00

Well, here I am, on Long Island. Nothing much has changed, other than that drugstores have gotten bigger.

Actually, I had a really nice Mother's Day yesterday with Mom and Grandma. Grandma ain't built like she used to be, so Mom and I planted some annual flowers for her outside her condo, while she supervised and fed us chicken and cake. I had a HI-larious moment while we were preparing lunch, regarding the green beans. Mom was like, "You think they're done yet?" And Grandma said, "Well I like them soft so I don't think so." That got me nervous so I got up and tasted one and said, "Yup, it's done." (It was already overdone and moving away from green territory). She ended up having me remove half the beans from the water, so that she could boil her portion to death for another 15 minutes. She likes her beans drinkable. When I was a teenager I never would've dared to challenge the authorities on cooking time, but I know better now. Isn't it amazing the vast generational disagreements over cooking? My own mother used to cook stuff to death too, until Audrey, and later George, came into her life and convinced her minimal cooking doesn't mean minimal taste. And now people in MY generation are starting to get into the raw food thing.

Today is Monday, so Mom's at work and I.....am going through boxes of stuff in the children's bedroom (What else to call that room?). I cannot believe the mountains of crap the 3 of us have stored in there. None of us live near home, so we scatter bits of our past behind us every time we move. Zoe at least is only graduating college this year, so it's acceptable for her to have some belongings in there, but Kate and I should really take our last bits out of there, because right now it's all just wasting away. Since I'm moving into a new place and own nothing but a bed and camping gear at this point, some of this stuff is gold to me right now. I'm fuckin rich! I just found a $300 cream suit of mine I used maybe twice and then forgot about. Still fits, yay to staying the same size!

I have very strong reactions to many of these objects, like they've transcended functionality and mean something completely different. Like, for example I just found this hair clip currently being used as a bookmark in some child fantasy book and I took it out and stared at it, thinking, "I KNOW this." Reminiscing is so bizarre. It made me wonder about people who've been living in the same places for decades, with piles of crap in an unchanging hug around them. What do these people see when they look at these chotchkes? Is it a candle/decorative plate/ornamental lamp, is it invisible, is it pure home? Does it even matter whether you find it attractive or unattractive after a certain point? I guess this could be related to the feeling you have when you see yourself, a close longtime friend, or a family member. The person is generally no longer labeled attractive or unattractive, they're just familiar. Maybe that's why it's unsettling for some people when a close person loses a lot of weight. It takes a long time to identify them as a thin person.

I guess this could also be related to the fact that most strangers who see me and my sisters together think we all look exactly alike, whereas our nuclear family has an almost impossible time seeing it. Isn't it strange how different everything looks, not only amongst different people but even by yourself at different points during your lifetime?

Status summary update: It's cold and rainy, the cat is harassing me, I am listening to Plaid, I am not yet bored, there is NY pizza, veggies, and beer in the fridge. Today is a good day.

SF arrival

2008-05-07T22:40:00.003-07:00

Here I am. The big earthquake didn't hit while I was gone, so I guess I'll be around for it, saving babies and cats from fires, eating canned tuna, or dying. I can't wait until I'm settled, saving money, and acquiring bedroom furniture. It's tough to be in limbo. I'm in NY for a long time (5 weeks). I dream that it will be productive, that I will narrow my focus onto one manageable career, renew my confidence, get along with my mom, and be patient. Who knows, I might end up sleeping a lot. I'd like to do some yoga, some exploring, some strawberry picking, have some NYC mystery. If I aim high, maybe I'll hit the backboard.

San Francisco is weird. I don't mean Burningman weird. That's normal. I showed up the weekend of the How Weird street festival, and that was fine. There was scary sausages, psy trance, pretty costumes, and good friends. But the INTENSITY of everyone is freaking me out. People are working hard, partying hard, looking for more, talking about big plans and projects. People are HUNGRY here. I keep catching myself feeling bad for them because they don't seem to be able to stop searching. At the same time I'm dazzled by them and feel small and inadequate. New Zealand! I haven't lost it. I'll hold on to my inner kiwi for as long as my life depends on it. I am permanently changed. You will not get to me this time! Stay back! I'm in my garden, learning about herbs and cucumbers.

Phew, safe again. I had a fight with Francisco about money and travel today. He seemed alarmed by my anger and refusal of his plans, but I explained my money issues and hope he eventually understands. We maybe don't understand each other as well as I had hoped. We'll see what happens. I love him and am giving this a strong shot, but being together a solid week with maybe 2 hour breaks every now and then is probably not the best way to start things. Actually, it's amazing we're not tearing each other's heads off. Anyone else would be dead in the gutter by now.

I'm gonna go down to the basement we're staying in at Missy's house (Thanks Missy!) and read book 2 of the graphic novel series, The Preacher. Francisco bought all 9 volumes during his travels, bought me a kawaii bag in Japan, and filled the bag with the comics so that I could read them too. Hey, he's not so bad.

I just finished working out at the gym

2008-04-28T16:39:00.001-07:00

Phew! That's better.

Why do things always click into place when you're not thinking about them? I can't wait til research has come to the point where we can understand background thinking better. It almost makes me want to never think about anything, and let the gnomes running the treadmill decide things for me.

I know, I know, you have to have the knowledge in the first place, and put in the initial energy. Just because most famous scientists think of their major discoveries on the toilet or while walking the dog doesn't mean they would have made those discoveries without being a scientist in the first place.

I've been thinking about Willpower today, and how it's a muscle that should be used gently but regularly. It's hard to find willpower when you're weak, tired, or unhappy, but if you use, say 70%, of your possible willpower each day, you're getting a good workout and there's less effort required during the times it matters. Like when you're feeling really bad and turn to crap food for comfort. That's not the moment to decide to be healthy or start using that whithered away W muscle.

What is willpower anyway? Is it even necessary in the long run, or only to get yourself out of a really deep hole? If we didn't have all these holes of modern society, would willpower be a joke?

i wish i hadn't started thinking about jobs

2008-04-22T22:35:00.002-07:00

I started looking at LinkedIn, at Craigslist, and doing random google industry searches. My body is covered in a cold sweat and I'm on the verge of crying.

What is wrong with me?

Everytime I move I do this. I start from everything and end up finding nothing. I wish I knew what I wanted. I'm so bored with this panic attack career nightmare. It's as old as the British accent.

I'm gonna have to back off now before I start crying in the internet cafe. Alright Vanessa, suck it up. Things will be ok. You have skillz. Even if you start at the bottom bottom somewhere, they'll figure out, as usual, that you are great. The key is to find the bottom of the correct mountain.

Sometimes I'm convinced that the only thing I know how to do decisively is take tests. I'm buried under such awe and jealousy of all you people that know what you're doing and take logical steps to continuously further your careers. Or even if you don't do that, the fact that you have any career at all feels like another planet to me. I wasn't made for this world. The more I read, the further away I drift. If only I could read forever, and sail away on a sea of abstraction.

Food advice

2008-04-21T18:42:00.001-07:00

Here's a healthy food tip:

Restaurant food is often rich and heavily seasoned. When eating out somewhere unhealthy, aim to eat about half your meal. Then, when you eat the other half at home, add a bunch of greens or other fresh veggies to it, heat, mix, and eat. You won't even notice the added health content probably, because the original sauce had so much salt, seasoning, and fat content. It actually tastes better to me this way, then I don't get sodiumed out. Also, your tasty meal goes further. I first got this idea at Scopa, where they often put a handful of fresh rocket on top of their pizzas. And when I buy kebabs or sandwiches for lunch now, I make sure I have a bag of mixed greens, a fresh avocado, etc that I supplement the food with. More and better bang for your buck!

The same philosophy can apply to desserts. If you supplement that brownie with an apple and some nuts, you'll probably eat half the amount of brownie you normally would have eaten, while getting the same chocolate joy. And the added joy of a less sickly heavy tummy. Experiment with increasing the time between mains and desserts to decrease the linkage between a full tummy and a sweet craving. Sweets are fun, but not when you HAVE to eat them at the end of any big meal. I notice I actually eat smaller quantities of dessert when I eat them by themselves, because my body is better at detecting sugar levels when I don't have a stomach cushioned by meat, fats and slower carbs.

That's all for now! I love not working!

Pain (Emo Blog)

2008-04-16T14:55:00.002-07:00

Heh. I figured out my back issue. It was due to my chair not being tightly fixed upright. I've never been able to figure out how to get it to stay in one position. It turns out the solution is NOT even close to intuitive. You have to manipulate 2 levers at the same time, rather than just lifting the forward one to move forward or the backward one to move back. Terrible design. It's taken me 3 months to figure it out.

I probably mentioned on here earlier that Taisuke gave me a talk on CD by Pema Chodron, called Getting Unstuck. It's all about working through thoughts with an addictive quality, through meditation techniques. Some of my addictive thoughts are quite pleasant (fantasy, sex, food) and I'm not entirely convinced I want these thoughts to lighten up, but I have plenty of negative thoughts - anxiety, bitchiness, annoyance, anger, self-loathing, addictive urges, etc. The usual spread. This week when these thoughts have happened I've tried to breath through to the underlying emotion that happens first, before the thoughts crowd up. And I've found something strange. The underlying feeling of pain and discomfort is always the same. Sadness and more positive experiences are different, but all that negative stuff is the same root. The black place. I carry a piece of depression with me wherever I go. I thought it was totally gone, but it's everpresent. I've smoothed over it with positive thinking, friends, luxuries, and a healthy lifestyle, but I haven't solved it. It's funny how much we carry our pasts with us. So much pain. My breathing feels thick and heavy when I do this. It's almost too much to handle. I woke up this morning at 6 fretting about asking people for references for my upcoming job search, and imagining getting sucked into temping or the wrong career field again. Mega anxiety and doubt. I slowed down and paid attention to what I was feeling that caused these thoughts. Gradually the thoughts grew shorter and shorter until I was left with pain, and a light background buzz of thought flashes. Pain is a skilled hide and seek player. My intuitions that depression and anxiety are different from sadness were confirmed tenfold with this exercise. Sadness is front pain, light pain. Pain I gladly embrace fully (probably why I'm such a good crier.) This is much less comfortable and comes from the center of my body.

I'll keep practicing and let you know of any further updates to my mental development. This is all very exciting for me.

2008-04-15T19:37:00.002-07:00

I've been doing data entry all week, along with 3 other temps the Ministry quickly scrambled to hire after realizing demand for scholarships outstripped past years by a fair bit, and my back is killing me. I've tried all sorts of positions, but I think it has to do with the ridgidity I hold my body in when tabbing through fields, combined with repetitive turning to the right to pick up the next paper application. I'll try moving my papers to the left for awhile. Of course, that means I'll have to move my mouse back over to the right, encouraging a different sort of repetitive stress injury. Office work is a strange balancing act of preventing your body from destroying itself. Data entry is my second least favorite type of work (the first being customer service, which is far too artificial for my nature. I was the kid that would fake sickness to avoid the door to door sales stuff we used to do to raise funds for our school. Luckily my mother also hated it and was quite happy to let me sit it out). At least I'm being paid at the Executive Assistant rate, rather than the Data Entry one.

My healthy kick is going well. I lost a kilo over the past week. My skin feels good, probably due to the free avocadoes my boss continuously brings in.

Quick World Report

2008-04-08T20:36:00.002-07:00

Francisco is traveling across Utah, in and out of phone reception. I am dieting. In New York, my father is breathing a big sigh over relief about a now resolved hugely annoying traffic ordeal. As I chew on a piece of red pepper (my favorite color), my friend Miranda sells off her possessions to fund another one of her continental bike adventures (Africa this time). Ben is somewhere in Wellington, doing something (I wouldn't know what, I haven't talked to him in months. I should really call that guy). My email to my sister Zoe is bumping its head against a technology wall outside of physical space: delayed delayed delayed. The mail system will keep trying to deliver your message for another 43 hours 57 minutes. I wish I could pat the mail system on its back and tell it to stop trying so hard, that 43 hours from now cities could be fallen, that I have other communication systems to fall back on.

I was going through everyone's blogs yesterday, startled that yet again I have not kept in quality touch with people near me, that our minds are light years apart. My friends have so much going on in their lives right now and I in my self-absorbed bubble am not aware of any of it. Brenda and Taisuke moved! Did I know this? No. I meant to ask Allen about his blog last night at TV night, but had some strange severe allergic reaction to Ken and Jeanne's house and was incommunicado for the whole event. My mac n cheese was great though. I ate leftovers for lunch today and felt rad, even if the bread crumb topping was a bit soggy by that point. I pretty much used the recipe on foodnetwork.com if you want to make it. I added cayenne pepper, doubled the amount of cheese and noodles, but only used 1.5 - 1.66 times the amount of all other ingredients (and only 1 egg), because that's how I roll.

Work is wrapping up fine (went out to a lovely dinner at Chow with coworkers, James and Maire on Monday), life is easy, dieting is actually working this week. I must be in the strong part of my cycle. My head is clear. I bet people are finding me more sexually attractive than usual. Oooh, strange creepy sexual dreams last night.

Seasons Affect my Disorders

2008-04-06T21:22:00.002-07:00

Today I decided that I won't be taking a trip to the South Island before leaving NZ. Since I've arrived here, everyone's pretty much been saying, "Go to the South Island. It's soooooo much nicer than the North Island. If you think this view's nice, WAIT til you see the SOUTH Island." So I'd got it into my head that I'd be taking a trip to the glaciers, mountains, and coastline of the rugged south during my last 2 weeks here. It was totally stressing me out, thinking about planning a vacation in the middle of packing and saying good bye to everyone. Plus, let's be honest here, I need the money. I've got some expensive unemployed time coming up and can use every cent my temping procures.

So! I'm not going anywhere this month. Weekend camping trips or hikes are as far as this lady is travelling.

Man, what a relief. Sometimes solving your problems is as simple as saying No.

No, I will not spend one of my last few precious moments here on a date with you.
No, I do not want that fancy fatty food.
No, I do not need another drink.
No, I don't feel like talking anymore.
No, I do not need anything from the store.
No, I don't have to use up all my coupons/gift cards/flybuys points before I leave.
No thanks, I can't afford that right now.

My life is exciting enough thank you. I've seen the "real" New Zealand. Another solo adventure in the countryside sounds exhausting. I think of all the money I'll be saving and giggle manically. I'd love to do something awesome for all my friends here with my newly identified time and fundage. First step: make them baked macaroni tomorrow. I dream about that one Dad used to make. I've been trying to call him for the recipe but now that we are, for all practical purposes, 8 hours off of NY, it's become a complicated thing. The sun is gone by 6, I can't talk to the East Coast, and I wake up too early. I hate this time of year. Thank god for hemispheric strategising.

Monkey Cult

2008-04-02T13:25:00.002-07:00

I just had my first fresh feijoa. I'd been avoiding them based on my unpleasant experience with feijoa "inspired" cocktails, but, as usual, it turns out the fresh experience is a different story. I wasn't sure how to eat it so I just peeled off the outside. Next time I might peel a thicker layer off, since the edge approaches unpleasant tartness. The middle is fantastic though. Eating the soft middle in combination with the harder outside is like eating delicious sour candy. A+ effort, Feijoa!

It's been a really lovely week. Low stress, lots of exercise, a sudden feeling that my stuffed monkey is God.... He hangs from my ceiling, head cocked to one side, eyes straight at me when I lie or sit in bed, a slight smile on his face, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before I started infusing him with spirituality. I've been drinking canned beer in bed this week, and every time I flip the tab off, I get up to the letter G. I was disappointed not to be getting any F's, but after the third occasion I thought to myself, maybe it's the monkey! Maybe he has a crush on me! I was brainstorming what his name could be, and came upon Guy. That almost fit. "Guy guy guy," I thought. "Guy....God! Of course he's God."I mean, if everything is God, why not my monkey? I ended up starting into his black plastic eyes for a couple solid minutes. It was a cool experience.

Ok, you can all laugh at me now!

I also got to thinking how similar the "All is One" religious thought is with the more modern idea that there are no conscious minds outside of one's own. The feeling that this world is created in one's mind. Who thought of that, I forget now? Anyway, if all is one, of course there is no consciousness outside of your mind! They are all you! We're all sharing the same mind. The more I read, from all religious and philosophical extremes, the more I get the feeling that everything is converging on one idea. Whether it's an idea that the human mind has just evolved perfectly to think up, or the TRUTH, I don't know. Does spiritual certainty equate with Truth? How much can we rely on the "I know I'm right" feeling? And if we can't, what else is there? Science and logic seem to be fueled by that feeling as much as any other discipline, although it's harder to see.

Self-repair

2008-03-31T13:06:00.002-07:00

For ages I've thought of caffeine as an unnatural curse. A state we're addicted to in order to match our psyche with the unnatural pace of the modern world. A coping mechanism. Don't get me wrong, I love the stuff. But on my walk to work this morning, embracing the black tea coursing through my system and clearing my head of small traces of migraine, I was digging the usual caffeinated great love for the world. I loved the small triangle of sky peeking out, the 15th floor of the tallest buildings, that small woman and her aggressive walk, the stationary traffic, etc etc. And then I got to thinking, what if the way we feel at the appropriate level of caffeination is the normal human state? The way we would feel most of the time if we were in the environment we evolved to fit? What if this modern world, with it's strange combination of understimulation (aka we're not looking out for tigers or food all the time) and overstimulation (environmental and work-related stress), causes an unusual slothful normal state? It could be other factors too, like contact with plastics/metals/other pervasive substances, large numbers of people with large variations of germs, modern medicine, or any other factor new age types have thought up as the cause of modern ills. So we caffeinate to bring ourselves to correct awareness, because we know our usual state is not ideal.

The mind has a great ability to detect when things aren't right and to self-correct. That's why I'm not worried about apocalypse. The future will be intensely different, but we've been able to detect the off-balance of the world early enough to prevent Armageddon. We constantly poke at philosophy and religion cavities, striving for the correct filling, the one that feels right. When we find the one that's right for us, we want everyone else to know about it, because it feels so great. But each person needs to fill a different set of holes. What makes one whole, agitates another. We are Lego pieces in form but not in spirit. Maybe we need to start small and fill our personal holes, before we can go about fixing the hole in the world. It makes me crazy when in the work place we do not start at the beginning of a problem. Maybe the same is true about fixing the environment.

Tongariro

2008-03-27T17:44:00.003-07:00

I'm off to the Tongariro crossing in a couple hours for the weekend, New Zealand's most famous 1-day hike. It passes through volcano country in the middle of the North Island. I hear there's one of those strangely colored mineral-dense lakes up there near the top of it all. I won't take pictures because that's not my chosen role in life, but Hovig and Peter will! I'll maybe post some pics eventually. Right now I'm hungry for Udon soup, so I'll go get some of that now. I'm skipping work today! Ok, bye!

Philosophy vs reality

2008-03-26T16:46:00.001-07:00

I was sitting in my favorite kebab place last night, eating dinner and finishing off Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, when this enormous woman walked in. Some morbidly obese people look alright to me, like it's hard to tell that their weight is killing them. They walk long distances and have good friends and enjoy life. But then there are some morbidly obese people, like this woman, that blatantly look like they're dying. She was profusely sweating (it wasn't hot out) and talked with great effort. I then imagined that I had previously seen her walk into the McDonalds next door (my mind might have been making this part up). She heaved down outside in her enormous blue nightgown thing, and my heart curled up into a little hard ball. I felt so full of despair, I had to put my book down for a minute. It's quite rare for me to feel such immediate pain at seeing a person, because I am a hard person. I very rarely feel pity for people. Sometimes I'm amazed at people's abilities to deal with their lives' shortcomings, but sympathy is not my strong point, not with strangers anyway

Ok, so there I was confronting a depressing aspect of real life, while at the same time reading a book on philosophy. It's a weird feeling to be confronted by reality when you're in that idealistic philosophising mood, you know what I mean? This is why I like reading "deep" books, books questioning existence/reality/life/beyond-life, while sitting in a public place. It makes me question more my idealistic dreams. I fly into the stratosphere when I read philosophy, and then I come back to earth and do boring things, think mean thoughts about strangers, do my laundry, get drunk. It's hard to resolve these two extremes of existence, but small steps towards resolution take place when I read in public. Maybe I'm a little kinder to people. More patient. Less serious. That's my hope anyway

I'm reading a lot of philosophy this week. I finished up with the motorcycles last night, now I'm onto this book that devotes a chapter to a number of various sages, called: "20th Centrury Mystics and Sages" There was a chapter on Don Juan Matus (of Carlos Casteneda fame) and you'd better believe I read that one first. I was so into his books in college! I got really caught up in the sorcery that took place, most heavily in the last book, but now that I'm older I'm more interested in the deeper truths he taught. Flashy magic still appeals, but it's not why I read books about life anymore. Sure sure, drugs are great, but I'm looking for something more these days. It was great to revisit his philosophy again. Reading about it made me realize that even if I had forgotten most of the specifics, I still retained something of the essential teachings. Ever since then, We are all One spirituality has appealed more. I like to walk with nothing in my hands because I go faster and more nimbly. I imagine light lines connecting all things. I try not to be afraid of thirst. Etc etc, I'm sure there are many more ways those books shaped my way of being. I don't care if a lot of Casteneda's writing is fiction either. I'll kill you all!

I don't see the pieces

2008-03-20T16:09:00.002-07:00

I've never thought deeply about why the work so many of my friends do doesn't appeal to me. I would always just be like, "Ugh, so much computering. So unhealthy. So stressful." Their jobs looked aesthetically unattractive to witness externally - poor posture slumped over a greasy desk, typing typing away in a box of 2 colors, forgetting to eat lunch, not moving for hours, talking and writing in a language I didn't understand. But things that are irritating or beautiful from the outside overall artistic sense, can acquire a different aspect when viewed from the inside, in a more piecemeal logical understanding. I'm sure there is beauty in the order of code, once you grasp the logic or game or whatever. Order appeals to me, but so does art and chaos. Maybe this is why I can never settle on a career, because both sides pull me equally. Which is perhaps a gift I should exploit more, to unite disparate world views. It seems most technology marketing these days is trying to do just this, with the sexy sleek machines, intuitive programs and appealing color schemes.

Anyway, what I was trying to get to before I got distracted is that I was suddenly struck today by how different my and Francisco's thinking styles are. It's caused problems in the past, mostly with me growing impatient at his slow logic, or angry that he seems to be picking a fight with me, whereas he is bewildered by my anger at what he sees as the best way to understand something. And I wasn't just struck with how different we are, but about how GRATEFUL I am that we are different enough to be interesting, yet just similar enough to slowly learn about the other's world. So many people are so different (they appear uninteresting or wrong from the outside). A few are the same, but I wouldn't be getting this amazing feeling right now if I were involved with them. Maybe I would be getting a different amazing feeling though? The warmth of knowing I'm not really alone?

The more I read this blog entry, the more I see it needs extensive editing in order to make much sense, but I'm losing my special feeling already and don't feel up to the task. And anyway, it's just a blog.

Nanonice

2008-03-19T16:01:00.003-07:00

AH. It's good to be on the other side of the wall again. The amount of bloating going on during PMS always startles me. It doesn't seem possible. And the cravings are gone too. There's a huge pile of Easter eggs on the table behind me right now, and I'm not even slightly tempted to eat one. It's amazing what a tablespoon of blood letting will do. I can't believe how much better I feel. Those crazy manic irritated days sprinted away like a fart in a breeze. The cycle continues.

This weekend a group of us will be going camping on Ken and Jeanne's new land. It will be very basic living, because we have to haul everything we bring up a steep hill. No extravagant cookery for me. Also, there is no toilet, running water, or anything. It is new and exciting. We will need a poo shovel. They have asked us to think up ideas of what to do with the land, and to help them name it. I haven't felt this excited about land since I was a kid, when every outdoor space was an opportunity for partitioning, creating, building. I hope I can afford to start from nothing somewhere someday.

My sister Kate mentioned on her blog a little while back how she didn't understand Zoe and I for wanting to return to nature and raise a bunch of kids in the middle of nowhere. She said she was too invested in/excited about technology to do that. I'm excited about technology too, and I like to think about great ways it will be integrated subtly into a more "natural" environment. I think the future is technology and nature coming together in a more sustainable way. So I don't think I'm turning my back on technology by craving nature/low intensity lifestyle. I just think they belong a little closer together, and I hope to one day work to make this happen. I've always loved science fiction, and how things work, and thinking about the future, I don't think anyone can really describe me as being in denial of technology. One thing I'm fantasizing about right this moment is nanodetectors that can be released into a natural environment, to assess the whole ecosystem. And then rather than changing the system to maximise human comfort, they will choose the appropriate building materials/flora/fauna to create a human dwelling/workplace that will most smoothly integrate into the environment (the heating & plumbing systems and locations of different rooms arranged to benefit maximally from the available climate, microorganisms, geothermal activity etc). The future is an exciting place, because we won't need to be surrounded by millions of people to have tons of human contact. As the internet user interface improves, millions of people can be with us everywhere, even as we hop over a stream running through the woods near our ecocommunity.

Wish, bone, wish!

2008-03-18T18:12:00.002-07:00

"Laughter is brightest, in the place where the food is best!"

Exact punctuation of Wishbone sign. Ah, glad that's taken care of.

Minor eruptions on the surface of life

2008-03-17T13:56:00.001-07:00

Another well written, profound statement on the sign in front of Wishbone this morning

Hmmm, it was so profound I've forgotten it already. Something like, "Where people meet and have good times, food is found." I'm not making it sound any more awkward than it was. And in a shop yesterday, I saw a tshirt that had another Wishbone-ism on it: "Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate!" Yuck. Damn you and your signs Wishbone

I've been really cranky and feeling bad about myself this week. I have zits and gas and feel fat. My clothes are all shrinking and look old. I've been trying to make shopping more fun (only go to one store a day, pick up 2 sizes of each item and don't look at the size tag when I try them on, treat the event as a 20 minute reward rather than an epic mission, etc) so that I actually end up buying something new that I look good in, but it's hard in NZ. The stores with higher quality clothes are very intimidating to me. The prices are a lot higher than at home, and they tend to be very small, with 3 sales staff and 0 customers, a situation I find extremely awkward. The stores I feel more comfortable in are not so great. I finally found a shirt in one of them yesterday though. I'm wearing it today and already feel better. It's very long, which is the only type of shirt I'm buying from now on, and it has gold metallic thread woven in it, so it's sparkly and dressy. The kind of shirt I need, one I can wear to work and then out to the bar after work. The ideal shirt. I still dream about finding the ideal shoes - dressy for work, comfortable enough to dance in and spend all night in after work, fairly conservative neutral coloring but with a funky hint of awesome up close, flexible, soft edges, flat or small heel, do not shift or slip or rub even slightly no matter what I do in them, not slippery on the bottom, a bit of arch support, and does not absorb foot stink. Easy. I once found shoes here that came pretty close, they had red stitching around the edge, were black and sturdy with only a bit more heel than I like, but they were $490. That is not acceptable.

I actually felt so bad about myself this weekend that I was unable to make myself leave the house until I had dyed my hair and shaved my legs. Usually it's easy to just pull on a pair of sweats and go, but I found myself sweating as I approached the door. A popular ghost had his hands around my neck, choking me.

I hope I feel better soon. I hope I stop eating buns and fries and chocolate soon. I hope I get my _____ soon. I've still been getting good amounts of exercise every day, so that's something. And I have a haircut tomorrow. And the pimples look better. I'll go to yoga tonight, and then maybe see my friends afterwards. I'm aware that everything will be ok soon, which is one of the biggest differences between me now and me 5 years ago, but it's tedious that it continues to happen, regardless of my vows and efforts to uphold a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes when I think about becoming a nutrition consultant I want to say sod it all, it's no use because you're either preaching to the choir or lecturing people who don't have the means or will power to change their situation. I mean, if I keep failing, whose to blame a broke woman with 4 kids and 30 years of the worst habits from failing? The more I think about lifestyle choices, the more interested I become in the psychology of choices and the less interested in trying to fix people

I'm glad I resolved to love MIT again, because I means I'm able to read Technology Review. It's a really good magazine. It's like science fiction but it's real. And it's mine free, for life. No matter where I move, it always manages to find me. I just finished the last 2 issues and feel invigorated by the future. It's nice to have realistic hope for amazing things. It's taken me 5 years, but I'm ready to embrace technology and problem solving again. I might buy one of those physics video lectures advertised in the last issue, and I'll understand it no matter HOW fat I am!