I miss!

I miss writing to no one. I think I'm going to do that for a while.

Blog Break!



...to be continued?

Singing

As someone who can't remember ever having a problem singing in tune, I've never quite understood why so many people with good musical appreciation and understanding tend to sing off key, even after singing part of a song correctly. I just came across an interesting explanation for why this may happen:

"One thing that I think contributes to people singing out of tune is the perpetrators are aware of the contour of the melody they are trying to sing -- where it goes up and where it goes down -- but when they reach the limits of their vocal range (or, often, just what they think or fear is the limits of their vocal range) they adjust all the notes accordingly so that they fit within what feels like a comfortable range. This results in fewer notes outside that comfort range -- which the singer fears would sound bad -- but a whole lot of notes that are in a different key from where the song
started.

This could make for pleasing -- or at least interesting -- harmony, but only if sung (you guessed it) with confidence and commitment. Sadly, what usually happens is the person who has departed from the traditional melody doesn't realize that is what he (oh, what the heck, let's call him "he") has done, but is vaguely aware that the new notes he is singing aren't the same as the ones everyone else is (or the notes aren't "going with" the accompaniment*) and loses confidence, and starts singing notes at random trying desperately to find one that doesn't "feel funny". It is that panic-stricken scramble to find a "good" note that the outside listener perceives as unpleasant, much more than any of the particular notes that are found." - Joshua Raoul Brody

I've never thought of things quite this way before and think it's a satisfying explanation. Thanks BATS Improv.

right side face bias

According to the pop science magazine, Psychology Today, people notice the right side of your face the most, so much so, that a picture of the right side of your face put together with its mirror image looks more like you than 2 left halves put together. This is because people/primates look first at the top left of their visual field.

However, when we see ourselves, it's almost always in a reflection. Do we check ourselves out mostly on the left side? If so, I would expect the reverse to be true when judging ourselves as opposed to others, and that 2 left halves put together would look the most like ourselves. Unless there's some sort of examination bias when we check our own faces out.

My face is my face. Those 2 right halves or 2 left halves of the face games always freak me out. It was part of my favorite exhibit at the science museum as a kid. There was another station that would age your face and that I found very compelling, although the results left much to be desired. I'm sure face aging technology has advanced since the early nineties though.

Hey, will there be a website that lets you turn your face into an Avatar alien? Spread the eyes apart, do a bunch of color correcting, sharpen the ears, give you a sensing braid/penis hairdo? That would be rad.

I just watched the South Park episode, "Dances with Smurfs," in preparation for Avatar viewing later today. Right now the biggest decision I have to make is whether I eat pizza or cinnamon toast crunch for breakfast. Aw yeah, vacation.

We spent yesterday in NYC wandering around until my sisters and I decided we couldn't take any more tourist crowds and split off to have a beer at a Rockefeller center brew house. That sort of prepared us for the surreal alternate reality that is the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular. So many legs and time steps. Glitter and Santa Clauses. Some sheep and 3 camels... wait, what? I think I've had my Rockettes fill for the decade.

I am ready to return to my life! Mom's bf and his daughters took off to get breakfast bagels, and Mom is at work, so I have a moment of solitude here, the first one since I arrived. Ahhhhhhhhh. I can't wait to see Erik tomorrow. We have specacular nye plans lined up, but as long as I get some quality snuggles, I don't care what we do. A conversation with someone that doesn't need general life updates, a hot tub, and super-freezing temperatures would be nice too.

Stomach grumbles. Time for cinammon toast crunch AND reheated pizza! No, I do NOT need to poop this week, leave me be, 'tis vacation time.

Changing communication behaviour

My new droid phone is changing the way I treat various modes of communication. You can now leave me a voicemail message from this very blog! Scroll down to the bottom of the sidebar to do it.

I also: don't check my email at the computer most of the time, treat facebook and twitter differently, and hide certain types emails from myself until I have a relaxing moment to go through them. Maybe this fancy google wave thing will change my behaviour on group projects. We'll see.

(It's the future and stuff.)

Today is a day is today.

We bottled the xmas beer yesterday. It's gonna sit in the bottles for a couple weeks, and then will be ready for sharing. Ok, so we need a label for it. I'm thinking something along the lines of a drunk reindeer drinking from a giant glass of beer. Does anyone like to draw things like that? Also, what should we call the beer?

Reindeer Ale
Reindeer Fizz
Reindeer Foam
Erik & Vanessa's Holiday Brew
Ho ho I don't know....

I had 2 good conversations today that made me very happy. I declare today, Things That Matter day. A time for talking about important things, a day for deleting mental lists of unimportant things and focusing on the good stuff.

Puddin made some tasty lasagna for house dinner last night. I am going to eat some now. Then I will continue studying hormones and the menstrual cycle, get a stylish haircut from the puddin, and, most definitely, play with my new Droid phone for a couple hours. That thing is rad. It just whispered an enticing "Droid." to me right now, letting me know it had something wonderful in store for me if only I activated its sensitive touch screen and looked inside. Oh Droid, you are technology and I am ok with that. Let's do fabulous things together. Best present ever, thanks man. I foresee my web presence heightening in the days to come. How can I resist twitter when it comes in such a colorful app on my home screen? What is to prevent me from scanning every bar code I see, when to do so pulls up search results reviewing the product? What is a girl to do, in a world where her phone can tell her what song is playing better than any human could? If the phone could offer love, there would be no more need for other people.

Fall dee dall

It is definitely Fall. No matter how independent I may seem to be from the inexorable cycling of our planet, when fall is well underway I slow way down. I am stuck in a zone of cuddling and root vegetables. I don't feel the need to get hyped up on caffeine. It's not worth the effort. I don't crave excitement or flirtatious encounters, parties or inebriation. I'm more for the napping, movies, hot tubs and crafting end of the spectrum.

This is my slow and uninteresting fall entry for the week. Dig in, because it's what you're gonna be getting for the next few months. I don't have any desire to inspire or amaze. I'll be making crab cakes with Erik for thanksgiving. Ooooh. Aaaahhh. His parents will continue to find me friendly, and afterwards we'll play some beatles rock band with them. Can you stand the excitement!?

Oh, I guess one kind of exciting thing is that last week I got to go to a live studio taping of Important Things with Demetri Martin. For some unclear reason I got a production VIP ticket, which allowed me to cut hundreds of people in line and sit front and center in the studio. Look for me in the audience when it airs in February. Also, I volunteered at BATS improv in SF this weekend, further digging my fingers into the local improv community. And finally, we transferred our brewing belgian ale to a smaller carboy, to continue on with the fermentation for a while longer before doing the final fermentation in the bottles (I believe it's called bottle conditioning). Erik is documenting the process here. I like beer. You'll be allowed to taste this batch round about xmas.

Oh, also, my sister Kate is now dating this guy we went to high school with, that neither of us had seen in close to a decade. It reminds me of when Mr. Kapiloff used to yammer on in social studies class about how we'll all end up married to someone who grew up within 5 miles of where we grew up. There's no way that's going to happen to me, but who knows, Kate may be able to rock this fake fact from a chatty Jewish high school teacher. I like it.

Relations

Oh, relationships. It's really hard to find the correct balance. I want independence and passion for things outside of it, and obviously I want these things for my compatriot as well, but I also want, well, you know, girl things. I don't want to feel like I'm forgotten about between weekends. Just a mini check-in, a, "how are you doing?" would be nice. Sometimes I think Erik likes me so much because I pretend to be cooler than I really am, a carefree and passionate independent lady who touches down on his base now and again for silly fun times before wheeling off into my busy life. Really, I just hold back because I know how he feels about consuming relationships, about how BAD co-dependence is, about how he will always be involved in several different consuming projects that siphon off most of his passion. And of course I understand. I mean, part of the reason I love him is because of his creative and ridiculously giddy drive to make things. It's friggin awesome. I've never spent so much time with a real maker. I guess Audrey is the closest I've come :) And it's so not part of my nature, and I admire it deeply. BUT. But but but. It's been 4 months. I can't be cool for much longer. I don't know what I want, but this is leaning a bit too much to one side. I always forget about these feelings when I'm with him during the weekend, because we're having a great time, but it often starts to creep in on Tuesday or Weds evening, and hits me full steam Thursday night. It is 11:14pm on a Thursday night, and I am sitting in my bed in a bathrobe trying to figure out what it is that will make me happy, where the correct balance is, what brings me the most joy.

This is a good time of year to be asking these questions. It's dark and colder (kinda lukewarm, which is almost as bad as it gets these parts). I miss the sun. I'm eating more and huddling in my bed for hours each evening. It doesn't help that 2 of my classes didn't meet this week. Too much time on my hands to obsessively think about money and relationships.

Oh man, it's like he's psychic, he totally just texted me. And there's the call....Oh dude, he's coming by and taking me to his place and we're gonna work from home together tomorrow. Do you know what this means!?!?!

It means I am happy. :)))))) And, I haven't gotten sick this season. Healthy miracle of miracles, for someone who works in a doctor's office. Actually, the creepiest sign got posted downstairs in the acupuncture clinic. There's one of those big red circles with a line through it, enclosing the word "flu." The sign says no one with symptoms of a respiratory infection may enter, that they will prescribe herbal immune-boosting supplements for you but will not treat you if you have flu-like symptoms. We kinda wanted to add an addendum to the sign saying, "Please continue on upstairs for treatment."

I find flu paranoia fascinating. I haven't had the flu since I was a child (I must've had it at least once during my childhood???) and am not totally sure what it feels like, but the fact that I never catch it makes me particularly blase about the whole thing....I totally deserve to catch it now. C'mon sickies, do your worst! Let's share a beverage and stick our fingers in each other's mouths. Viral porn, the latest and greatest sub-sub-genre in the world of kink. No, but seriously, most people I know are in their 20s and 30s, with no immune-compromising issues. What is with the hyped-up fear? I don't get it. We're not going to be hospitalized if it happens. As long as we have a willing slave to bring home soup and tea and large-font magazines, what can go wrong?

WHAT CAN GO WRONG INTERNET? I HAVEN'T KNOCKED ON A WOODEN SURFACE ONCE DURING THIS POST, BUT HEY, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN, ON THIS DAY 18 DAYS BEFORE MY HEALTH INSURANCE KICKS IN?

Ok, time to change out of this bathrobe and into something car-ride appropriate. Hallelujah, it's a fine day to be alive.

Track, On

I continue to be on track. I went to the improv jam this weekend. I was glued to the wall a bit, but I still participated. It will only get easier from here.

This weekend I also: went dancing, sat in Dolores park watching the Blue Angels, hung out with Audrey, got a little bit sick, rode a merry-go-round, talked about astrology a lot, volunteered, gave and received 50 kisses, had a hangover, took 2 naps, ate Ethiopian, watched Planet Earth, went to John's party, jumped on the trampoline on John's roof, finished a book, started a book, talked to my Grandma, thought about the endocrine system, thought about relationships, and felt really really good.

I will now go to bed, and get 8.5 hours sleep, in a further attempt to keep any and all sickness at bay.

Pressure

Today I learned how to take blood pressure readings. We did a lab on muscle fatigue, and one of the steps was to "use the automatic blood pressure/pulse machine." But we are city college and too broke ass for that sort of equipment, so we had to learn how to use manual cuffs on the fly. Good thing one of the people in my group is a medical assistant. It was a piece of cake. I kinda want to get my own cuff and stethoscope and give people blood pressure readings at events.

Also today I got to talk to England on the phone. It was all like, fuh fuh harumph fuh fuh. Liver, potatoes.

No, not really. Actually it sounded a lot like Erik. Whodathunk?

Now I am going to eat Tim Tams and tea. Thanks Allen and Sarah!

I am back on track and feeling good again. The party was silly and chill for the most part, and I feel more like one of the gang now. I didn't go nuts, and instead spent most of Sunday studying (after the first 4 hours when I was totally drunk on mimosas. well, I started off with mimosas and ended up chugging sparkling wine from the bottle. oj only gets in the way sometimes.) I definitely aced that test. Now I can focus on some improv again, which I've been neglecting. I haven't gone to a single show or jam this class! Terrible. The shows are free and hilarious. That's it, next free Saturday night I have, I don't care what boys or friends want to do, I am going to a show.

hmmm, maybe I just needed to eat something and unwind from work. ah.

Today was not meant to be

Man today just does not want me around. I'm feeling super sad right now. No one's returning my email or phone calls, and I feel really left out and discarded. This definitely sucks. I hate when I feel like this.

I also hate that ever since all the shit went down in April-June, I constantly judge every action I make. I'm always considering, "Does this action/thought/writing mean I am a bad person? If I do this, does that make me not a bad person?" I've become obsessed with being a bad person, and things I can do to not be a bad person. It's not a good way to live. It's taken me a long time to realize I've been doing this.

:(

Please, may tomorrow be better.

A Formal Summary

You knew that once you decided on the four-pack rather than the single serve, that you were dooming yourself today, right?

I ask you, why do these decisions happen without my input? I know all about the separate nervous system our digestive tracts operate under, but I wanna shake my head back and forth and scream, "You're not the boss of me!"

Ok, enough of that. Let's get some life summary action going on here.

First off, school rocks. I love being a student, even if for only 2 nights a week. I was born to study and memorize things. Seriously, while other kids were angsting about tests, I was twirling my zebra-colored pencil in my hands and fantasizing about how perfectly I'd fill those bubble cards in when I got the chance. Studying is fun. MIT made it not-so-fun, because it's pretty much impossible to retain facts when you're in permanent cortisol stress mode, but since I'm taking physiology at city college, we have definitely stepped back into the fun zone.

Second, burningman was super chill and a really lovely cap to the summer. Almost no one I knew was there, so I had lots of solo and 2 person adventures. It was fun to help my sister out and observe her reactions.

Third, work is exploding. 2 or 3 new people are coming on starting in October. I am organized and on top of things and hopefully a) I will be getting more hours and therefore more money and b) it will be so busy that I'll be able to hire a receptionist to take over on Saturdays, and either Fridays or Mondays.

Fourth, I am hanging out with this really cool guy Erik these days, that you probably already know about but I felt like a tool writing about it on here before now. But la la la it is so awesome and blah blah blah we are cute. I'd had every intention of remaining single and fierce for the entire summer, but only managed to make it through June. But you know what? I am STILL powerful and fierce. I fix this state in my mind, and do the things I am passionate about, and only make compromises where it is important, and TA DA, I am still here and still being me. I foresee lots of excellent times ahead. I like him a lot a lot a lot, and I love the person I am around him. We shall see what happens, internet.

Change of plan(e)

I just bought a flight to Reno for Burningman, and then am taking the biodiesel bus from the airport. Aaaahhhh. I feel crazy! I used up my airline miles, but I think it's the right choice. My ride out was getting more and more complicated, and now I'm only missing 1 class instead of 2. Ok ok, I just needed to write that down in order to feel less crazy. Phew.

I feel pretty nuts right now. There are too many things going on. It's exciting, but very overwhelming for this low-stimulus introvert. I like doing 1 thing at a time. Then I can be sure that all decisions made are correct, all information is filed, and peace is upheld. It's a very controlling way to live, but I don't know how people can live other ways. I get super anxious if I don't follow protocol. Ah well, it's all a work in process. I'm not as crazy as I used to be. As long as I can keep saying that, life will be moving in the correct direction.

Oh, and for others playa bound: I will be camping btwn 5:00 and 4:30, on the esplanade side of A street, with the Flaming Lotus Girls sub-camp within Illumination Village.

A continued Affair

The A game is continuing! I have been working really hard this week on all sorts of things - school administrative issues, burningman rides/prep/crafts, GRE's, take-home job work, etc. I love having a desk at home. It is a simple affair with 4 metal legs and a rectangular table on top, piled high with papers and crafts. It feels really good to be kicking this much ass. I had a mini stress-out today and ended up eating a bunch of crap, but I seem to have gotten over that hurdle.

My health problem is getting better which is a huge relief. I've got to got to get that health insurance plan finalized this week. I don't have time to be stressing out over non-existent future medical bills. I'm not following my former boss down that path. Hell no, this lady is not dying because of a hesitation over hospital care. This lady is living a smart life, and dying for smart or at least surprising reasons.

I spent a lot of money this week (A lot for me is $200). I'll be spending $140 more on a textbook, and $130 on my class. In the grand scheme of things, these expenses no longer matter. I've hidden my credit cards and am only using my bank card from now on, so I can't get myself in too much trouble, right? Well, except for that whole, I have no emergency/tax funds thing. I don't care anymore. I'm done stressing about money and conservation. My life is damn good, and I'm not going to keep pretending it's not. Why stress about ghosts?

Optimization for Education

This week I decided to put on my A game. A for Academic. I decided not to go to work today and instead to spend the day researching what I need to do to get my educational goals back in front of me, instead of behind all the lovely partying and socializing I spend most of my time doing. It feels good to be serious again. UCSF apparently has the #2 graduate nursing program in the country. The deadline for the accelerated (MEPN) nursing program is September 1st, and it has a less than 10% acceptance rate. I was freaking out over that deadline, until I realized there was no way to get my GRE scores in time, so now I can relax and do everything I need to this year to be a fantastic candidate for next year. I'll take things one at a time and enjoy myself. I'm actually looking forward to doing things like Human Physiology and Anatomy, taking the GRE, and volunteering in an emergency ward. It feels good to be doing things. I'm shaking my head at the years I haven't been doing things, but I guess that's part of what life is. Ebb and flow, energy and sloth.

My brain has finally recovered from the past weekend. It was indeed a Terrible Tuesday, but I am feeling great now, and that overall my decisions this past weekend were for the good. It got me thinking about a lot of big picture stuff and put me on this path of righteous motivation I'm walking on today. I'm so impressed by everyone I know who's gotten it together enough to recreate their careers and/or return to school, and I'm excited to join them someday soon.

I also cleaned my room this morning, which shouldn't affect my mental state so much, but it totally does. Why does a clean house create a calm mind? An empty floor creates space for me to think. I guess I just have to accept this aspect of my personality and do what needs to be done to optimize my thinking.

The neighbors are yelling at each other. What else is new.

Guinea Pig

Time to whore out my blogging skills for free herbal supplements. I'm taking Leitzin to combat lethargy/irritability and writing about it. So far no big deal, but I've been hella skimping on the dosage. I probably don't really need a substance like this, but I like neuro-experimentation (duh) and free things. They sent me a butt-load of the stuff. If you're interested in finding out whether anything ever happens, feel free to follow my boring-as Evolver blog.

I went to the FnF campout this weekend. It was very strange, didn't really feel like FnF at all. I missed a lot of stuff going on because, well, I had a private cabin and used it well. Ahem. Also, the new space at Saratoga Springs is really spread out, and, additionally, I was actively avoiding certain people. A lot of key peeps were missing, but it gave me a chance to meet some new people. I wrote Cecilia a poem at the memorial alter, which was satisfying. I didn't eat any of the food I brought, which was maybe the only way this year resembled past years.

Oh well, I'd had a smidgen of hope that relations would magically repair themselves through the passage of time, but things unfortunately went pretty much as expected. Fortunately, I had one excellent distraction. Things in that area of my life are pretty much perfect these days :D Sorry, I'm trying to restrain myself from mentioning anything, but aaahhh, then I have nothing to talk about here! My filter list is 10 pages long these days and it's driving me crazy!