own ness

I got paid for March!

After seeing several apartment shares that are totally filthy, or otherwise unsuitable, I began looking at studios in the East Bay. It turns out I can totally afford a studio over there! I don't know what condition they are in, but the pics have looked fine. I think it's time to change my search. If I don't end up living in one of 3 potential friend situations, I'm totally getting my own place. It would be an investment in furniture and kitchenware, but think of how exciting it would be! No roommate issues, I choose all the decor, no compromises, no one else's head space. I've never lived alone, I can't even imagine the excellence of it.

I have both the desire to nest and make a cozy place for myself, and a powerful urge to abandon everything and go off the grid. I'm too much of a weenie to do the latter, but the need is there. Real life is a stressful thing, and I have to force myself to keep on task. I'm trying to keep a buddhist perspective, that my challenges are exactly what I need, and the most useful times to find myself, but, yeah, we all know that doesn't work consistently. It definitely keeps me from totally freaking out though.

Laugh, damnit!

Today has been laughably bad. I'm hungover and at work (on a Saturday morning), which is a poor starting point. Somehow I lost my keys at the bar last night, so I can't get into parts of the office. Fortunately, there was a teenager hanging out in the waiting room, so I was able to get inside the building and climb through the window into the receptionist area. I have this awful sense of abandonment, even though I know it's just my friends leading the lives they've always led, but since I no longer have someone to turn to in the space between friends, it fucking sucks! What else what else....oh I still haven't been paid. I'm supposed to be moving this month right? Wrong, universe. Perhaps you were thinking of a different reality, where someone with my educational background had a job that actually gave a shit about her well-being?

I ran into Max on the Bart. That was pretty cool. I started crying right there in the middle of the train, and he didn't know quite what to do, but then we started talking about bikes, and then we emerged into the east bay, where the sun was shining over a 70 degrees picture of happiness. He was meeting up with Colleen for a bike ride, and it was great to see her too. She was very pro moving-to-the-east-bay and I was like, Yeah! I can live in a place that's actually nice! It was depressing looking at places in SF yesterday. The rooms are either too small to fit my bed, or the apartments are dirty and/or chaotic. I need stability right now, and that means a clean peaceful chill place with room for my bed. Not too much to ask?

I can tell I'm driving my housemates crazy. I just need to get out of there. Francisco can't fill what I need, even though I desperately want him to.

Why did I drink last night?!?!?

Oh my god, I don't think this lady is even showing up for her sauna. I could've used that hour of sleep.

I have some good thoughts about improv, but now's probably not the best time to write them down. I'll do it some other, better, time. I think it's ok if I put things off today. I'll eat some strawberries, they are especially delicious right now.

awesome is as awesome does

You know what would be awesome? Getting a motherfuckin paycheck. I've been waiting for this one for 13 days now. Tomorrow it'll be time to submit the next timesheet. Desperate times man. Normally I'd be a little more chill about it, but this month's different. This is the month I need to find a new home. I am 2 steps from homeless, and 0 steps from single. That's right, internet: Vanessa is back on the market.

Not really, I don't actually want to be on any sort of market for a long while. My heart hurts, like the skin of it was gently sloughed off with a fine cheese grater. I don't feel like eating, or reading. I'm paying careful attention to everything that happens, because I want to remember. I want every moment of this ordeal to be in vibrant memory.

Gotta find a place to live. Gotta get paid. Gotta think gotta think, if I just think a little harder and a little longer everything will be clear. A crystal clear unsentimental snapshot of a perfectly ordinary life, on a remarkably beautiful planet.

Not sure if I should post this. It's kinda gauche to write these things down. Too soon too soon.

Ahahaha, it's a few hours later and I just found a picture of this guy I used to have domestic, non-sexual fantasies about in high school (we'd be picnicing, or snuggling, or hanging out together on our porch). He is totally huge now. He was this little skinny thing back in the day, and kinda dorky, just like I like 'em. Now he looks like a drinkin businessman. I don't know why this is cheering me up, but I'm gonna go with it.

Looking forward to meditating on the bart ride home. It's my favorite thing to do these days. Sometimes I start crying, and I carefully observe and appreciate the emotions unfolding. It's a nice thing to do. Even nicer than treating myself to a cupcake. Which is awesome, I'm always on the lookout for chocolate substitutions.

Happy spring, everyone. I look forward to reaching out to many of you with the mountains of free time I have headed my way. I plan on spending the entire summer outdoors, so if that's your boat, give me a ring a ling.