Weekend!

From 3 pm today until 8 am Wednesday morning, I am free free free! 13 working days to go, hi ho!

I have a plan to look at New Zealand housing this weekend, so that I can start getting excited about this thing. There are also plans for: Nature, LED wiring, ray gun manufacturing, poi spinning, bicycling, hanging out with the cat, cleaning my room, eating delicious things, throwing away many of my belongings, helping Nikhila carry heavy things, and getting my groove on to some acid house circa 1994-1996. Not bad, eh?

All weights are off!

Take advantage of your power time.

I can't believe you're not eating butter.

Quit Hogging the Meat Blanket

The Visa application is out of my hands. There is nothing more I can do.

Last night me and the roomies stayed up very late jamming out. 2 guitars, a bongo drum, and 5 sets of vocal cords. I live with some talented people! It's so nice to find people that enjoy and excel at making up songs as much as I do. It's really one of the most fun things I can think of.

So things are calm. I'm ok with all my peeps in New Zealand again. For a while there.... I had actually decided that the Ardents were my enemies for about 2 weeks. And that Francisco was only a dream (fortunately that only lasted a day).

People seem very sexy lately. It's not really summer here in SF, but it is at the campouts and in my mind. I want to touch bare skin desperately, I keep brushing or leaning against people. I can't wait until there's a body I can touch all over the place again. I will use it as my meat blanket.

Holy crap, Sarah just sent our Burningman camp list an explicit erotic animeesque tale of her character's fight against the evil unicorns (Long Story, but suffice it to say that our camp's name is now unbelievably gay: Evil Space Unicorns. Yeah. I know. The logo is pretty hot though. I'm not going, but I almost wish I were just for the gay ass camp theme. And the uniforms.).
Ahem, Sarah, wow. There's something about breakups that really frees the ladies. Uh, Sarah, wouldn't it hurt if a unicorn's horn did that to you?

Hot.

so dramatic

I am so dramatic about my little problems. We all are, really. I was talking with 2 of my coworkers today. Maybe they were feeling chatty, or maybe people are opening up more around me now that I'm leaving, but this one guy, a soft-spoken Chinese accountant, told me about his arranged marriage and how terrible it is to be tied into that sort of thing. No choices, not even about WHEN you get married. He was jealous of my freedom to travel the world, run away at any moment. Actually, almost everyone I talk to here seems a little envious of my freedom. They talk of family and career. They talk a lot. I wonder how difficult it is to break from that mode of thought. I could see myself quite enjoying being tied town (hehehe) someday, but I would never want it to become a joy consuming burden.

Pretty DAMN lucky.

The other me

Sometimes when I come back from campouts and other escapes from routine I don't recognize myself. I read the last blog entry and went, huh, that's nice. She sure talks a lot and changes subjects a lot! But now it's back to normal and she is me. Oh well.

Even if this Visa thing fails, who the hell cares right? Riiiigghhht?

Visa No!

I'm terrified I won't get a visa now because of stupid hospital bureaucracy. They filled out my chest x ray report incompletely, even though I sent it back to the doctor twice. By the time I caught the final errors it was 5 pm and the doctor was gone. So I did a little bit of terrible forgery. Shit. Why did I do that. And the whole fucking point was that he would see me in person and verify my identity, but the hospital wouldn't let me. I had to keep relaying messages to this poor girl. Shit shit shit. Well, if this iteration doesn't work out I suppose I can reapply once in New Zealand. It's an awful lot of money down the tubes though. And peace of mind.

Time for some Ulrich Schnauss to float away on. Clouds. Water. Time. Towers of terrible greatness. I'm falling and missing the ground.

If you say "shit" enough times it starts to sound pretty good. Does eating it have the same effect?

no comment

I can't even write a blog entry, this weekend's campout was so good. Stop smiling already!

It unfortunately creates quite a severe contrast with my job. Very harsh lighting. Heave ho, 18 working days to go!

Can't even muster enough to poo

My shirt is very see-through today, I think I've washed it too much. I must be getting lazy because I can't seem to care. Today is a great day! I'm sorry you can't see my shirtness, you would be pleased.

Everything has suddenly become easy again. People are being very nice to me. Why would you ever do that man? I'm basking in the glow of a minimalist weekend. The last 2 weekends I've gone all out, brought out shitloads of food and clothing and alcohol. This weekend I will bring almost nothing. Maybe some fruit and some delicious Lucca's potato salad - oil-soaked-veggies - prosciutto - aaaaaaarrlllllgggggghhhhhh can't speak, mouth rapidly filling with saliva.

I've moved on to another comic series, Akira. Spider Jerusalem was a super compelling character. I just liked him ya know? And the future Transmetropolitan created was compelling, creative, vibrant. Akira is more like a movie. Fast and loud and fun. I read it at top speed and there's lots of motion and plot and noise. I think this is the month of comics. So I declare it, and so it will be.

I think The Sneak is seriously in love with me. You should see the way she looks at me. Large eyes digging deep into mine. Somehow she gets all soft and needy when I enter the room. I've never had this with a cat before. There was always someone else, human or animal, more important to them than me. Or maybe no one was that important to them. But yeah, this is a special thing we have here, I hate to leave her for her last 2 weeks in the country, I think it will be traumatic. I guess no less dramatic than having your boyfriend run away to the Moultrie cat commune or having your parents go to New Zealand without telling you. Tough life man. Anyway, I finally washed my sheets and she looked quite satisfied about the Downy change.

I am horny for tomorrow.
Hmmm, maybe I'm just really horny. Apparently I'm allowed to do whatever I want with other women, but guys are off limits. Bring me the babes! Some beer first, I'm shy.

The ana kata plane

So get this: Weta is going to pay for my plane tickets. You heard me right! I know what this means: The HR lady is sleeping with Francisco. I know you didn't mean to baby! It's just that ass! I myself find Francisco's dimeanor and other physical characteristics repulsive, but I stick around for the ass. And the uh......

So yeah! Vanessa 1, Financial Burdens of the World 0. Now I just gotta do this medical exam and I will be golden. My doctor's office gave me a form to get one so I think I'm good.

Mantra Me

Don't sweat it don't sweat it don't sweat it. It'll work out honey.

Insurance company not paying all my dental bills.....
Doctors not letting me get a chest x-ray for New Zealand.....
Money is not my friend.....
Oh, the DMV.......

Try again. It'll be ok. You'll be there soon. This stuff is incidental to the important stuff. You have what you need. Make some phone calls, smile at receptionists, buy a plane ticket, get a pap smear.

If worry were a fetus I'd be 9 months pregnant.

!!!

Oh my god! I feel this way all the time (I live right across the street from some projects and the contrast between our problems...)!

Not a kid

Turns out, Red Rover? You know, that game you used to play as a kid where you all hold hands and try to prevent the other team from breaking through your line? Not so easy as an adult. Imagine a 220 lb adult male built like a linebacker charging shoulders first towards your wimpy little wrists. Yeah. I screamed a lot. That and the hiking, rope climbing, and wrestling that comprised most of this weekend have made my arms quite sore. My knees look like little girl knees. This group is very...physical. Fun though! There were plenty of naked boobies. I myself lost my pants, but how can you disobey a no-pants edict? If the Party Nazis declare it, then so it must be. I turned the video camera off before the nudity but still have some excellent wrestling footage.

Yeah, Burningman. I don't know Joe! I want New Zealand so badly that I can't even think about Burningman, sounds kinda dull at the moment. Things weren't supposed to be this way and when I made all the Burningman plans originally, I never dreamed that Francisco would be over there so soon. I know it's decision time. My sisters are asking about it, camp dues are starting to be collected, and plane tickets need to be obtained soon but, is it worth it? Plane tickets and finding a way to get my gear there and jet lag and fucktons of work with my camp. Food, costumes, camp dues, transportation. A $2000 investment, kinda crazy. I'm jam packing this summer in with campouts anyway. I've been to burningman, I can go again. If Francisco wanted to go I'd be so there but....well, I'm going to be very poor very soon. I just have to accept this fact. Maybe 1 to 2 months of living decently is more important to me than Burningman. Not to mention that Nikhila, Matt, Cary, Alexxx, and Leila aren't going either.

Wow, I hadn't really weighed the pros and cons before this. I don't think I'm gonna go! Burningman has been one of the most significant life changing experiences of my life for sure, but those changes aren't going to disappear if I don't go. How much more is there left for me to get out of it? It's relaxing and rejuvenating, but so is love and travel and discovering what you enjoy the most. I think it might be time for me to rely less on groups and events and more on myself. I have a feeling that the ways I'm going to grow the most in the coming days will be how I deal with things on my own, what I choose to do when I'm not required to go to work and there isn't a party that night. For YEARS I've been jealous of people who have the passion to go off on their own for hours working on some engineering, construction, or art project. The only one man activity (other than the usual suspects of books, movies, and hiking) I was really able to successfully lose myself in for hours was balancing rocks and sticks or playing in sand, Andy Goldsworthy style. Pottery, drumming, el wiring, yeah, all that was nice, but I was still there. Now I'm discovering film, tai chi, poi, and it's different.

Maybe....MAYBE...the ultimate goal with Burningman is to take it away and no longer rely on Burningman itself to make you feel so wonderful and generous and at peace. Until you can do it on your own, you won't be free.

You never know, hippies!

Why God?

Why are there no new comics at sticksandstonescomic, why? I forgot about it for a couple weeks and just looked at it again and STILL NO COMIC.

Good thing Transmetropolitan hasn't failed me yet. Book 9 motherfuckers!

This weekend I'm going with my housemates to a house party in Tahoe. I hear that last year's party was full of naked people. Should be a pretty sweet time.

My roomate is depressed. Man, I never know if I should be extra gentle or take the tough love approach with this sorta thing. I remember when I was depressed I definitely deep down wanted someone to be extra nice to me, but would that have been the best thing for helping me help myself get better. I don't know. I know a lot about depression but I still don't know anything. God damn depression. I'm so glad I'm not there, that's for sure. Every day is progress for me, and as time goes by I grow more and more sure that I will never be in such a self-perpetuating state again. Once you know how to fix your own brain I think it would take a major disaster to fall into a seriously long-term depression. Maybe if one of my sisters died I would. I like to think I'd just be really really sad though. I'm a big fan of sadness. Damn, haven't cried in a couple months, sucks!

Right, gotta stay on track here. NAKED PEOPLE. I think I'm gonna bring my video camera up, but not for that reason. I haven't touched the camera since that first veggie romance project. It's time to gather some footage for future use. Never know when you might need party footage. Wow, this is reminding me of the film I wanted to make from the very beginning, before I bought the camera. I talked about it a million times last year, I'm sure you know what I'm referring to.

The official plan right now is to leave the country by the first week in August. I just gotta get this chest x ray already. Mom thinks I'm doing the right thing. Good thing, because I AM doing the right thing. Long-distance is for suckers. Waiting is for suckers. Money, uh, can magically appear if you just BELIEVE. Believe with me people, can't you just smell that crinkly paper? I'm slowly growing less excited about burningman, because it really pales in comparison to seeing Francisco and living in New Zealand. If I go to Bman before seeing Francisco again, the whole time I'll be yearning for it to be over faster.

Sorry, I keep getting off track. Bring on the nudies.

The Waiting Game

My life is officially on hold. Why am I doing this? Audrey thinks it's because people like us are in permanent student mode, where life is divided into sections and you have to wait for the next section before you can do something new. For this unit of 3 months, you are only allowed to do A, B, and C. The waiting though, it's really starting to sting. Enough of that. Gotta go gotta go go go.

I've been racing through this bitchin comic series, Transmetropolitan. I never thought I'd enjoy comic books so much but I just can't get enough. Good thing Ted owns the entire series through book 10.

Every time I feel like I do now, desperate to change the world, change myself, and use my limited energy more productively, I start comparing myself to our distant ancestors. They probably didn't feel this desperation, they were just trying to live and love and all that. No desperation to constantly be in action or entertained, to figure out what to do with their lives, to change things for the better. I ask myself why can't I be more like that. But it's silly to compare myself to them because these are different circumstances. They didn't feel the need to save the world because it didn't need saving. Sure, there were plenty of problems, but the world wasn't rolling towards annhiliating itself. Different times set different sets of genes in action. Some new ones of mine have been turned on recently. They create chemicals that buzz in anticipation of the great race, the new order, the old order, whatever is going to happen. There is no time for waiting and wasting energy. There is only now and this thing that we all are. Enough beating on the head for failure to be ambitious. You are ambitious, it just doesn't have much to do with money or a career. No more waiting. Watch carefully, because things are about to change. It is time for the greatest self-delusion of your life! Hiii-yaa!

Dirty Toes

Good campout this weekend (Some very key people were missing though! NOT OK). I had some seriously good sleep, which is weird. I'm getting to be a pro at this. Ugh, a little cracked out today though. I keep biting my fingernails. Nothing unmanageable though. I think I'd like to get some non-party camping in this summer, preferably in a location with good trails and bodies of water (other than my own sexy body of water). You know, give the trees some more attention and all. Trees make me feel, when I'm alone, that I'm not really alone. Know what I mean? I'm getting quality alone time but I'm also feeling a part of something. I guess the closest thing I can compare it to is when you know someone really well and spend an hour with them not talking, maybe listening to music or just driving around, watching the sunset, smoking a cigarette, that sort of thing. Thank you for not talking.

heh. PBF rocks.

It's not butter.

I can't believe it. I've spent the last 2 days getting "sicker" and "sicker," asked my bosses if there's anything they need to get out today in case I go home early, and coordinated with the guy who's driving me to feather river and now....and NOW...Audrey just recovered her car. A broken window and a hundred cigarette butts of damage, but it's driving fine. I can't believe it! Crap, I don't know what to do. I've woven such a beautiful fairy tale that it seems a shame not to follow through on it. So awesome that she got her car back though!

Also I've been working like a machine and have nothing to do to fill up the day until 5 o'clock.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Migraine on my Calendar

Here's my horoscope for the week, from freewillastrology:

"As far as the astrological powers-that-be are concerned, you have permission to play hooky. Whether their authorization will carry any weight with your boss and the people who depend on you, I can't say. But the pure cosmic fact of the matter is that you should devote as much time as possible in the coming days to avoiding responsibility, following your whims, and indulging in sweet pleasures that in no way serve the values of the cold, cruel workaday world. It's time to wander out into a field of wildflowers and chase butterflies. Or something similar."

Is it a coincidence that Audrey's car got stolen and Philip then offered us a ride to the campout this weekend, with a caveat that we'll be leaving around noon on Friday? I THINK NOT. I've been sick and missed several days of work recently already, but who cares! The planets certainly don't.

Powder Up!

After a relapse yesterday back into the depths of this nasty mucusy cold, I'm finally feeling back to normal today. Well, normal except for the sweat. Last night I started sweating abundantly at Tai Chi, but that's not so unusual. What is strange is that I woke up this morning and the back of my head and neck were soaked. My hair was curled up in little sweaty bunches. Now I'm at work and seem to be sweating in more than just the usual places. I keep moving around to air out all the crevices. New Age types would probably tell me I'm releasing toxins, since I've sort of been on an unintentional fast since the sickness began. I tried to eat ice-cream and fried rice yesterday and wanted to vomit. God. It was nasty. Maybe next time I'll try eating them separately.

Can someone please drive to Herrero with one of those fancy body powder scented sparkly poofs and powder up my back and inner elbows? I got one of those for Christmas once and appreciated it's ability to make me feel human during those times I felt like an ugly monster in Japan.

Oh man, I'm so glad other people are taking care of The Cheat Problem. You don't even know man. People kept trying to give me advice about what to do, but they didn't understand what it was like to go out there 20, 30 times, and lose every time. Like what the Red Sox (used to) feel like. I know what it's like to feel shitty, but this procedure made me understand what it's like to be a Loser. But not anymore! Plans are being made without me. I want to twirl around in some snow and create my own Princess Diaries. Thanks Melinda, JP, Nikhila and Kris! You rock! Let me know when you need some moral support to shake off that Loser-around-your-collar stain. It doesn't come off easily.

Long Distance Love

Telephone, transmit
Everything I want to say
For 6 cents a minute.

There's more but the static
Needs some airtime first.
Greedy bastard.

Tragedy

There are many tragedies in the modern workplace. Inoffensive, surface-level relationships. Unhealthy postures and repetitive motion problems. Grossly unequal power relationships. Waste in all forms. Restrictive food options/scheduling. Supressed tension. Very large butts.

But the greatest tragedy of all: Wasted email potential. If only I could write that next sentence that flows so easily from my brain to my keyboard. It's beautiful, poetry really. You would shit your pants from laughing. But I can't. Maybe my last week here. My generation has a new kind of brilliant writer. The majority of us are retarded when it comes to long reports or stories, but we are geniuses at the 1-3 sentence email game. (We really are! C'mon, don't tell me you never pat yourself on the back over some succinct email you sent to a list.)



I say goodbye to Francisco in 1.5 hours.