I'm really not sure what to do with my life. On the one hand, I've landed this job in a field I may potentially be entering some day. It sets me up to easily get into a school program. On the other hand, when I went in on Monday for training there was: no mention of salary or benefits; unstable work hours (when the doctors go on vacation or there aren't enough patients scheduled, I have to take off as well, and it's likely unpaid leave); no I9 or HIPAA to sign/fill out, so technically I'm not even employed yet. This lack of structure and information suggests a high level of disorganization. My only discussions about the job have so far been with the girl I will be taking over from. The owner of the business, my boss, has not discussed anything with me yet.

Even with all the above, it is still a great opportunity. I would learn a lot, both about running a small business and about natural medicine. I would probably have the opportunity to do a wide variety of tasks. The question is, is the lack of healthcare and other benefits worth it?

I wouldn't even be asking these questions if I hadn't received a phone call yesterday from a scientist at CPMC's Longevity Consortium Institute. They would like to meet with me for the role of Admin Coordinator. There I would have contact with longevity researchers all over the US. NIH will be increasing funding for their research, so there would be high job security. I would be well paid, with benefits. Now of course, I don't have the job. I might not get it. But how far should I pursue it? I am interested in aging research, but perhaps not for life (heheh). I decided to set up an interview anyway, because what's the harm? It's hard to know what direction to go in. I am obviously interested both in alternative healthcare AND in health research. I imagine someday I will unite the two and be involved in natural health / alternative medical research, or perhaps natural medicine policy. Who can predict, really. I can't really tell what my actions today will do to my future. How important is job stability and benefits? It's like asking, how likely am I to get cancer or have a terrible accident in the next 10 years? I don't know. Longevity research is perhaps the ultimate ironic answer.

The fact that I have the ability to ask these questions is deeply satisfying. I am very happy with how my life is going. I am glad job opportunities are coming my way, and that the temp world and I are finally parting ways. From now on I will only be involved in things that matter to me. This is my only life, it's time to grab it by the balls.

Opinion: Fasting

Here's what I've decided about fasting: After getting over the initial day of hunger, there are about 3 days of awesome. After that, things slowly start to decline. Yesterday I had gotten to the point where I was browning out every time I stood up. A flight of stairs made me out of breath, and I could barely focus on the computer, let alone work. Every free moment I had, I closed my eyes and went into a trance or shallow sleep. Not good. Maybe longer fasts are fine if you are under the supervision of someone, or you have absolutely nothing to do but focus on your body's purity, but for real world people, it's a struggle. I think I may do short 3 day fasts more often, because they make me feel great and give me a chance to reset (and break that carb addiction), and never do longer ones unless I'm in a really great situation (like a fasting meditation retreat or something).

So yeah, I pooped out after 7 days again. I've been trying to make it to 10 but it's just not happening. That's ok, it's still pretty awesome that I know how to abstain from almost all food for a week. Last night Joe made this hearty red lentil soup and I savored every drop in my bowl. He said it was plenty salty, but I guess I'm really salt deprived because I had to add more (maybe this is how Clodagh always feels? She must use up a lot of sodium being so energetic and lovely). I also ate a salted avocado, and a small spoonful of Kris' cashew chocolate butter (sweetened with Stevia). I felt warm and happy like a baby, and fell asleep on the couch in the warm glow of the Colbert Report. ah.

So for the next while I will be focusing on simple-warm-hearty-salty foods. Like squash, soup, meat stews, beans, buttered veggies, olives and eggs. (and apples, holy shit they are so in season right now, get some from your local organic market & they will rock your world). I'm avoiding processed carbs for a while, since I'm totally free of the cravings and would like to maintain that. Yay for feeling great again! Now I'll have the energy needed to party all night tomorrow. Our friend Tony's band, Honeycut, is playing, and I really hope I can squeeze that in before going to the No On Prop 8 party, at which I will be performing with jm's poi again (it was really crucial that I start eating before that. i tried playing with my poi yesterday and my arms wanted to fall off after 30 seconds.)

Now that the fasting saga is over, I'm sure my posts will drop off in frequency, but who knows, maybe my new job will be so riveting that I'll feel like updating you on every tedious moment. stay tuned!

omg

I finally won a contest. The first time in my life unless memory is doing its usual failure thing (you will NOT pass this class, MEMORY!): 2 tickets to the Stereolab show tonight! Thanks SonicLiving!

Let's see, I've entered the chillits lottery how many times, and I've never "won" tickets through that, and then I enter 2 contests on SonicLiving and win the second one?

Whatever, chillits. This is a good week for me! Fasting, a new job, and winner of a contest. I win win win. My life is fucking great. We got these new dining room chairs delivered last night, and that was as close as I've come to not winning, because those things are a bitch to put together. Fortunately F came in and saved the day. I gave him an elbow massage afterwards, since he put so much effort into manually screwing the seat in (while I sat on the seat, creating some good pressure for him to screw into from underneath. Tough job, gravity.)

Yay!

I ate 2 carrots and a fig for breakfast and feel a lot better now. I couldn't keep my eyes open on the bus ride over, and had to sit down at the bus stop, but the haze has cleared up now. Time for tea.

I love you all!

I live too

I got the job at the berkeley naturopathic clinic! Starting in a week and a half. I could be starting immediately, but didn't feel it was a good thing to break off my temp job on a Saturday. Even if it's temporary, they still deserve the respect of a week's notice.

Ah. I feel really great. It's 8am on a Sunday morning. The house is sleeping while I internet and drink tea. The fast has been amazing. It's like my brain has decided it will no longer put up with my personal bullshit and self-deception. It lets me know clearly what is the right decision. I always thought of myself as a variety of small problems, but when I am able to see that they all stem from one major problem, it's both a relief and a little upsetting.

So yeah, things are working out. I had a good talk with F yesterday, and then we drove out to the SF bathhouse ruins. I sat in a cave and watched the seagulls go mad. We took the scenic way home past Lake Merced and talked about music. Then watched a weird Joe movie, called They Live. About a -6 for me. (Oh haha, look at that, imdb says it was made in 1988. We were all guessing late 70's/early 80's.) It was a good day in the end!

Males can skip this paragraph if necessary for personal well-being. I got my period the fourth day of my fast, with no PMS warning at all. Cramps were the usual significant severity, but lasted about an hour, as opposed to the usual 3 or 4 hours. I'm most impressed with my lack of desire for baked goods and fries. Perhaps I should go on a mini-cleanse the few days before my period every month, bypass the cravings.

The past month or so I haven't been able to fit into many of my pants. Yesterday I was able to wear my favorite jeans again. I feel hopeful that I'll able to continue breaking the carb addiction once the fast is over. I'd like my pants to be my pants again, instead of some other hotter girl's pants. How can you respect yourself when you don't even fit into your own life? Sometimes superficial things like weight are important for feeling like you're living your life instead of someone else's. Know what I mean? Small changes create big ripples, and confidence is really a way of life. I feel like I'm living a completely new life when I walk through the streets with positive self-awareness (as opposed to either non-awareness or negative self-awareness). Every interaction is changed.

Setting up some goals for the week:
1) Take the time to really observe the unique things about a person, and what they are feeling
2) Smile and talk to a few strangers (thanks F!)
3) Spread the gospel....haha, jk my friends
4) Say goodbye and make some connections with the coworkers I'm leaving

I am not a human

Fasting is a peculiar feeling, one of those things I always forget about until I experience it again. A little achy in the joints, like coming down with a fever, wide open eyes, soft skin, unusual saliva taste, strange temperature sensations, a desire to go to bed at 9pm. But the weirdest part about it is suddenly you're no longer part of the human race. I can't describe how weird it is not to take part in social eating, how much of your attention is drawn towards every morsel others are eating. I lose my hunger very quickly, usually in about 24 hours at most, so that's never a problem, it's more about having to constantly reinforce the decision not to eat when around others who are eating. And not really being able to make plans, because every fun day includes a restaurant or a picnic or popcorn at the movies. or whatever. This fast is definitely easier than past fasts though, probably for 2 reasons: 1) I'm having some soup/green smoothie/whole fruits, rather than juice, which isn't causing the sugar ups-and-downs, quite a gentle detox really. 2) I've done this a few times, it's not so hard being around others eating...at least not yet.

I might ramp up the fast over the weekend, to lemon/herbal water and tea only. We'll see how it goes. I don't want to force myself to stick to an extreme set of rules this time, because then if I get sick/bored of what I have to ingest, or I start to feel really weak, I can just switch things up, or have some avocado or something. Hopefully this will all help with the increase in migraine frequency of late. It's been pretty bad. I definitely need to treat myself better for a while. I sometimes fantasize about getting F to join in with me on self-love trips, like a week of sauna, dry brushing, meditating, diet change, etc. But he's so content where he is that I can't justify pushing him too much. Ah well, it's probably better that I take care of myself alone. I'm the only one that can help me, other's participation doesn't change things. I hate when other people aggressively tell me what to do. I should use my knowledge and hermit ways to reinforce internal strength, and stop expending needless energy to change those that don't want to be changed. Power conservation isn't just about environmentalism :)

Which half is bigger

I went to a Naturopathy info forum on Saturday. I wanted to stick around at the end and ask science-related questions, but the cognitive dissonance grew too great and I ended up fleeing the scene, and bursting into tears upon home arrival. People's beliefs are so strong, that it's hard not to take conflict personally. I'm still glad I attended, and the participants were completely reasonable people, but sometimes I feel that I'm the only one out there without strong ideology. It was good to talk to Matt S. at the Acadia party on Saturday, because he's in a similar career dilemma, but has a much more chill outlook.

Acadia gave me a hangover, the first one I've had in a while. I ate McDonalds on Sunday morning, which solved the acute problem, while perhaps contributing to other longer term problems, but what can you do. Then I headed over to Dolores park for Jon's bday and watched the Blue Angels fly by while lying half asleep on a blanket. I successfully continued avoiding my career woes throughout the rest of the evening, and have only turned to face them once again this sunny Monday morning.

Francisco sustained himself on morsels the entire weekend. He was obsessed, and said the word "morsels" about 15 times yesterday. He loves tapas and varieties of strong flavors, but yesterday he embraced these joys to such an extent that I couldn't help but laugh every time the m word came up.

There isn't really anything thrillingly new going on. I have nothing to do at work but think about career dilemmas. It's an ok place to be, but I'm ready for some movement again. Maybe I just need to fast. Something to spur me out of complacency and recession.

Worms

Every spring the worms come out and flood the sidewalk. Or at least, they do on the East Coast. They don't do that in CA. There's not enough rain to encourage that sort of soil exodus. This morning I found myself missing that experience. It's not even spring, but I'm in a spring mood. Probably because of my whole messed up world clock. Are you feeling the spring in NZ yet? Are things fresh and new?

It's October 1st people. That's a good date. C'mon, is there anyone who hates on October? It's the best month. Comes in like a lamb and ends with candy. Everything is starting to die. We start planning our Christmas vacations (unless you're one of those crazy people that does that in July.) Finally it's ok to be just a little bit goth. One year when I was living in Boston, I visited Salem, Massachusetts in late September. Right at the beginning of their tourist season. The haunted houses were fun, but the thing that struck me the most was that EVERY SINGLE LOCAL TEENAGER WAS GOTH. That was the standard. How weird is that?

I went to the So-You-Think-You-Can-Dance live show last night. It was fascinating. The flashing lights gave me a migraine though. They were so bright that my eyes were tearing up for most of the show, and when I got home I jumped straight into bed to avoid the attack. I woke up today in that weird hovering migraine state, where it probably won't ever get really bad, but it won't go away with normal techniques. Sometimes when I cut a migraine off by going to sleep (and not taking any pain medicine), it seems get stuck on pause for 20 hours. Whatever, it's bearable, and mildly interesting at this low level. Small pain --> fascinating Large pain --> fuck fuck FUCK!

Oh wow, I didn't realize how much I had to write about. I keep remember more topics. This past weekend I did my volunteer training at Charlotte Maxwell, the complementary/alternative cancer clinic for low income women. It was a draining, intense experience. Lots of art and drama therapy, topics such as the horrifying politics of cancer, a 3 hour medical overview of mainstream therapies, some demos with alternative therapies (we went on a guided therapeutic imagery tour), racism, sexism, and other cultural competency isms, a panel discussion with some patients, how to deal with grief, and an amazing group of women to do it all with.

Allen also visited us this weekend. I missed most of the Allen time, due to the above, but it was nice eating sushi with him. Before that, Kate was out here. It was really great to see her. We had a really chill couple of days. I took some time off work and lay around in Golden Gate park with her. Ah. It's hard to ignore my big sister impulses and not worry about her. She definitely doesn't need a second Mom doing that though, so I had to remind myself to be chill. What's important is that we got to hang out. It would be good to make it a regular thing, since we live so close.

I'd really like to do nothing tonight. It's been an intense week or two. Very emotional. Very introspective as well, but not in the relaxing way. I've received a couple of intense emails from NZ, and feel myself being spread around the globe, disintegrating and being absorbed by various powerful forces. At least my ego's laying low.