Time to work

Alright, enough. I've had my fun. Yeah, it's been great with all the housewiving and self-care, cooking and cleaning, sleeping and sleeping. Time to work! But not just any work, real work. Time to learn physics and volunteer. I have an amazing amount of time and I'm just sitting on top of it worrying about where my life is going (or thinking about sex). So silly. I've been waiting for this for years, time to grab it. Took out a bunch of books on relativity and quantum physics and string theory yesterday, so that's a start. I can be the kind of student I always dreamed of being, when I had snuck in more than 4 hours of sleep that night. The kind that remembers what she read and has dreams about it and can tell kids about it.

So, I'm just gonna pause here and stop worrying about money and resumes, driving off career tracks and all that. Thinking about that stuff always gets me stuck doing nothing anyway, it's like I purposely try to thumb my nose at them by being as mentally lazy as possible. Nikhila pointed out to me today how ridiculous it would be to get some shitty part time job just to stop feeling guilty about using Francisco's money/being a drain on the system. Things will become profitable in their own time if I'm enjoying them enough. How about I actually make a difference and stop thinking that thoughts like this are cliche and hokey? Sounds like a PLAN.

God, I can't believe I have an MIT degree and never really understood Einstein's theory of relativity. It's embarrassing.

So, 3 part plan:
1) Get enough exercise, sleep and good food to have the mountains of energy required for ACCOMPLISHMENT
2) Use energy for education and making the world a better place
3) Use education for money. Later. Much later.


My dreams of the ideal office job are, I understand, basically impossible. So maybe if I rotated back and forth between self-employment and half-way decent office work, quitting one or the other as the money desperation (and perhaps boredom) or office politics becomes overwhelmingly bad, I will survive this lifetime ok. Think of me as a bouncing ping-pong ball. As I reach the extremes of my oscillation (representing self-employment and mainstream work) my disgust with life reaches maximum, but while I'm in the middle regions I'm generally pretty content. Fortunately this fictional graph I have mentally created is not a regular waveform with maximum slope at the zero value on the y axis. Mine is some sort of inverse wave (this probably exists in math but since I have no memory of math I cannot confirm either way. ha, education) with maximum slope at maximum absolute y values, resulting in a majority of x values (time) being close to zero and well within the "content" range. Maybe I should draw you a picture? Let me know, I have time to do it if you so desire.

Life is good!

Sex sex sex

Yes T Rex, yes!

I want to marry a guy who looks forward to making bad decisions all day long, that's me, yes! We can make bad decisions (and illogical babies) together, I am very good at this activity and think the joint effort would only improve matters.

Just watched Amelie again tonight and cried and cried. It's so beautiful. It makes me miss things that haven't happened yet. Kinda makes me feel like reality is doomed to happen no matter what I do. People are complete, even if they seem flat when rushing through a train station thinking about missed appointments.

My life is too good. My house, my friends I've been missing, the cheap standard of living. We have two porches, a clean ocean, quiet neighbors, air, a cute breakfast place with 9/10 hot chocolate walking distance away, a hill filled with surprises above us, like this "pa," (Still not sure what a pa is), cheap yoga, an excitingly foreign accent for easily picking up people in bars. Not that I, uh, want to do that sort of thing but it's a useful hook for dealing with the scary stranger thing. Me and Frankie used it last night in a bar on Tory St. But really, I'm afraid of getting spoiled here, it's really not fair to everyone else. What about the starving Ethiopians?

Jealous of everyone at Burningman right now though. Arty dusty naked pickles. Last night I had a dream that someone built a time machine, asked us where we wanted to go, and I instantly answered Woodstock '69. I miss dance parties. In the dream I gave birth to a baby as well, so maybe I miss my future baby?

Hee hee, Francisco is snoring on the couch! I'm gonna drag his naked ass into bed (we're naked, you see, because the Ardents are at Burningman and even though it's only 40 degrees out we have to be naked all the time, because we can).

Job lust

For the first time since becoming unemployed I have a twinge of missing working. Specifically, the fantastic feeling of 5 o'clock on a Friday, and to a lesser extent bitching with Audrey at lunch and right after work about how awful our jobs were. A beer or tv is so much nicer after a stressful shitty day. Oh jobs. What to do with you.

Francisco mentioned to me that Weta might be interested in hiring me as a producer, if I expressed the interest. There is a serious lack of employable people here apparently. So even though I have no experience at all, they have some sort of weird faith in me. Maybe because all my friends are smart they assume I am smart? This job requires an organized personality, which I have. It sounds kinda fun, organizing who will be working on what shots. Makin movies, being organizy, working in a casual fun setting. Except - it's 50 hours a week and that's during the good times. Too much work! I wish there was a compromise job. If there was a way to be a producer for 20-35 hours a week I would be so there. Or maybe just be one when times are busy. 2 weeks on at 50-60 hours a week, 2 weeks off to travel and work on farms and make movies and read books and walk on the beach. That is my ideal life scenario.

Alright, let's put this down on "paper" so I really understand what I want. I want:

- A job that's creative and organized and motivating and sometimes stressful, but mostly not.
- No strict set schedule
- Varies frequently in how much I work, from 0 hours on up to crazy
- Can leave and come as I please
- Can either have one job that involves both indoor and outdoor nature tasks, or two separate part-time jobs, one a desk job and one like a forest ranger or something. I can't sit in front of a computer for more than 20 hours a week, it makes me sick.
- Averaged over a few month period, the amount I work (excluding working for myself) should not exceed 30 hours a week.
- No stupid business casual, weird small-talky work atmosphere. Real people in real clothes with tatoos or sandels or whatever the hell they like wearing only please. People I could be friends with.
-A company that makes something fun, or good for the environment. No plastic junk manufacturing companies or places that push products that make people feel bad about themselves.

Willing to make exceptions to the time restrictions if it's a temporary job that teaches me awesome skills for making movies, or other art, or some highly specific technological skill useful for deployment in art or science or health/nutrition.

Ideal scenarios:
-Part-time office job that meets all or almost all requirements listed above.
-Part-time sustainable agriculture work or nature preservationist or scientific observer of environmental conditions
-Part-time working for myself making good food, giving nutrition advice, making movies, saving people from their computers, a million other ridiculous business enterprises I have thought up, all of which will probably fail but deserve at least one person in the world putting effort into them for a few months, if only because they are funny. More things deserve to exist than just the $profitable$ ones
(At any period in time, 2 out of the above 3 is what to aim for)

-Free time to learn about physics, yoga, writing, health, meditation, ideal future scenarios, ultimate monetary systems, sustainable living etc etc etc.
-Plenty of time for traveling cheaply, visiting all my heroes and having a family

Mussel power

There are 3 types of mussels that grow on the rocks in Wellington Bay: Green, Blue, and Scalloped. On the rocks by our house you can find the first 2 kinds (The green are irridescent and striped and by far the prettiest). They're fairly easy to rip off, although I'm not sure what the proper way to cut them off is, whether the beard needs to be intact or not. I'm also not sure how to remove the sand from the inside of them so I have about 20 or 30 of them sitting in a bowl of water until dinnertime, hoping that works. Mussels start off smaller and more consistent in color. The bigger ones have more growths and stony grey/white patches growing on them. I don't know whether the smaller or larger ones are more delicious, but the smaller ones look more like what I'm used to mussels looking like. I picked a variety of sizes today as an experiment. The larger ones were lower down on the rocks so I had to plunge my hands into the ocean to reach them. It was cold, but not cold enough to stop me until my bag was full. Walking back I felt suspect, wet and transparent, breakin the law, breakin the law. So I looked up regulations online and found that the daily limit of mussels caught is 50, with no size limitations. Phew! Thank god for the internet and it's stable reassurances.

More yoga again tonight. Third yoga class was great. I am hooked. I feel loose and calm and sexy. I recommend it to you, especially if you're like me and can't stand traditional cardiovascular exercise (running just hurts! Gyms are boring and also hurt!) but like exploring your mind through physical activity.

Snakes on a Mutherfuckin Plane! Tonight at the Cinelounge, a fancy movie theatre with individual lazy-boy seating, a full bar and menu that will deliver your order to you whenever you want it during the film (Yes, I'd like the first beer served 30 minutes into the movie and the second served an hour in, thanks) and free popcorn and soda. Snazzy.

Yesterday was hard

I woke up with a terrible migraine/hangover and ended up spending the whole day in bed. I did not succeed in becoming unattached to the pain this time. It was too awful. Will try again next time, but as always, hope there will not Be a next time. I didn't realize yoga would be quite so difficult but I was very close to blacking out or leaving the room on multiple occasions. No more drinking and going to yoga the next day!

Sunday night, the night of drinking, was great though. Met lot's of people, had this amazing dinner featuring tamales and grilled veggies. Also, expensive tequila, red wine, and port (a trifecta of PAIN), followed by impromptu grindy gropy dance party with strangers! By the end of the evening my elbow joints were in pain from all the people tugging me up onto the dance floor

Anyway, my 2 days of pretty severe migraines since getting here have reminded me to take better care of my body. I'm starting to prepare for my fast today. I don't think I need to be as severe in preparation as last time, but I'll still try to eat more produce, less meat, smaller portion sizes, and for sure no more alcohol, cigarettes, OTC meds, or MSG for the next few days. Going to yoga again tonight, if only to prove that I can do better. C'mon body, I can be good to you, just give me one more chance baby.

My neighborhood is so cool. I imagine all my neighbors to be artists and former reactionaries. Every window I look into has cool stuff going on behind it (and almost every house has a huge bay window like ours): easel with painting in progress, thousands of books, crazy lamps hanging from the ceiling, decor ranging from old timer fisherman to retromodern. Every house's architecture different, some 1800's classic, others straight out of Georgia, some with portholes, one with about 12 cones pointing out of the top. Zig zagging paths scattered about leading up the hill to Seatoun Heights (there are many ways to get up there on foot but it's harder by car-which is why one dude has a fucking outdoor elevator up to his home). If my mother ever visits me here, I can't wait to take her around my neighborhood, these people seem like characters straight out of her books; she'd love it.

Body time

Last night I had my first real yoga class, taught by Mr. Christopher himself. It was really good! He's actually a good teacher and has good control over when to change his instructions to a more urgent, joking, or gentle tone. I know you're supposed to tell your friends they're excellent no matter what, but there is no pretense here. It was just hard enough. I should've known he'd be good since he has one of the best storytelling voices I've ever heard, but there you go.

So, I like yoga. I'm gonna try and stick with it for a while. Today I looked in the mirror and noticed my face looked clearer and brighter than normal. Really very pretty if I do say so myself. Could it be related to yoga? Who knows. Also, yoga made me farty. There's this passing wind pose that made me really have to fart. I tried to be as gentle on my mat neighbors as possible. Joe thinks it could've been related to the Chilean food we ate for lunch, but I think he's just making excuses for the highly amplified toot he let off during class.

Today I saw the Lord of the Rings exhibit at Te Papa. Kris, Clodagh, and I had our pictures taken with a technique that took advantage of a scaling illusion to cause someone on one end of the bench to look huge while those on the other end looked tiny, similar to what they did with the hobbits in LOTR ( Elijah Wood, my birthday mate, is short but he's not 3'6"). We're gonna scan them and then I'll stick em up here.

Fisherman

Today I walked out onto the rocks near our house, pulled off some mussels, brought em back in and steamed them using a little sauteed garlic and butter for seasoning. Decent. I could score a B- on the self-sufficiency thing. Maybe the rule of my fast later this month should be that whatever food I can obtain of my own labors, from nature, for free, I can eat. It's called the Free Fast because you don't need to buy a $200 juicer to do it.

Also, at my first lunch of the day, my friends referenced this blog like 5 times. It sounds more hippy dippy when coming out of their mouths. I feel a bit camera shy right now, so, uh, I'm gonna go. You guys have fun with your Humor or whatever the young kids are calling it these days. I am in serious zen mode right now so we probably can't communicate until I fall from my floating orb of TRUTH and LIGHT, back down into the SpongeBob SquarePants dystopia you inhabit.

I am starting to seriously panic about money right now. Things are out of control.

Shifting winds

Today was lovely. It got warmer and I walked on our beach for the first time. I also wrote to friends, talked to my mother, and opened my first joint checking account (Ack ack ack!!!).

The lamb korma I had for lunch was the creamiest smoothest korma ever. Like a korma smoothie. I wouldn't ave minded drinking it through a naan straw if it were possible to do so without making the naan too soggy.

Everything is alright again now that it's warm. All are forgiven.

Also I realized I've been meditating my whole life. I hate all the doctrine surrounding meditation, what with books, retreats, religious ceremony and tradition, self help internet sites and all. Everytime I look out a window, or blur my eyes in subway stations to see everyone and think nothing, I'm meditating. I did it all the time when I was in school. The ocean, a rainy window, the peaceful bus stop wait when I'm not in a rush, listening to music sitting in the passenger seat, it's all meditation of one sort or another. All my life people have asked me where I go during car rides. I don't talk but I look content they say. Yes, I am content. I love riding in cars and not driving. I am a master at doing nothing. Most people I know are not as good at doing nothing as I am. They get fidgety, they need to be doing something, reading, playing a game, talking, something, anything. I've never really understood this but if I hang around them too long it starts to affect me. If you're fidgety it makes me fidgety. I don't like it very much, I wish you'd stop.

This all sounds very self-important, but not to worry, I have many faults too. I get jealous and I'm almost debilitatingly shy and I often pass the blaim to others and people don't become real people in my mind until I've known them for some time. I know I know. But isn't it exciting when you fully realize one of your strengths? Do you remember the last time you did that? It doesn't really happen very often, at least for me. Maybe you are a cornucopia of virtuosity but me, I am more like an eyeglass case of the good stuff. It's time to pay more attention to the good and the bad.

"Nothing determines who we will become so much as those things we
choose to ignore." --Sandor McNab

Vacation's vacation

I'm back from my weekend's vacation from this grueling existence that is being a housewife. I'm sure the North Is Down blog will have mega updates very soon chronicling our adventures in the south island. Francisco took a thousand pictures. It was really gorgeous. I almost know how to snowboard now. I'll let that vacation-y blog handle the rest of the details. It was definitely hard for me towards the end, being cooped up with everyone, but I blame that on hormones and lack of confidence in this relationship thing. Every doubt magnified in horrific detail.

I'm borrowing this book from Christopher, How to be Idle. It's really pleasurable, especially since by reading it in my bed I am embodying what it stands for. In fact, it makes me feel shitloads better about everything else. Kris and I are buying new stuff for the new house all day today. Organizing, shopping, hot water, a book that takes away all the guilt of enjoying naps and couches and walking without a plan, a ridiculous ocean view out of my living room window, duck salad and coconut rice leftovers in the fridge. Just enough muscle ache left from the snowboarding to really luxuriate and de-stress, enjoy an excessive shower, lie in front of the space heater staring at the ceiling. I'm really digging how cold it is because it makes me just that much more snuggly. Really it's like the universe is trying very hard to fix me. There's no need to worry, the sky tells me. Have a good cry and drink some loose tea. No one else is home to see or bother you. Finish this book. Do what you like. There's sand in our front mailbox, isn't that funny? I heard the ocean as I fell asleep last night. The air was chilly and I rubbed my icy nose on Francisco's back, hoping, hoping.

I don't think I understand the people around me as well as I used to. That's not a good enough reason to feel sorry for myself though. I resolve to not feel sorry for myself anymore unless something truly awful happens. Let's save the wallowing for the deaths and divorces, and even then, sip it slowly, contents may be hotter than they appear.

This entry made possible with help from Kris Ardent.

So, figure it out already!

My horoscope this week (the boiled down version):

"Every day you have to figure out how to live all over again." Of course this is always true, Aquarius, but it's even more intensely apt for you right now.

Gee, ya think?

I find myself, at first, very shy at conducting regular ordinary monetary transactions in foreign countries. That was especially true in Japan because I was concerned they might ask me a question I wouldn't understand. But even here, I fear breaking well-understood societal conventions. But today I walked to the top of Mt. Victoria. It was so cold at the top. The wind, god, it felt kinda good though. All my stress and trapped feelings were dramatically blown away for a moment. I walked through the trees about a hundred yards from where at least one bit of Lord of the Rings was filmed and peed on a tree. No one was up there, even though it's the biggest green bit of space in the middle of the city. I guess it was too cold for those weenies. Ha. Then I walked down and went to a cafe and ordered a drink BY MYSELF. Yeah, I know, it's silly. But now I feel ok with the money thing. I get it. There's coins that are valuable enough to buy entire drinks, and they ask for a lot of information when you apply for a supermarket card, and produce is really expensive right now but that's probably because it's winter. Fucking winter.

Well, anyway, I'm terribly afraid of people sometimes but today I got a bit of bravery. A bit is all I need to start the ball rolling.

We're planning a party here for the end of September. I like this little party planning team they've got. It has a very fresh unestablished feel. There are many possibilities, a lot of ways I can help, and the local businesses are apparently extremely accomodating. We met with the owners of the venue today at lunch and they were so excited. They're paying for all the decorations, costumes. Even giving us access to the not 100% legal circular room in the basement for all sorts of mysterious purposes.

Francisco works a lot, which was both expected and possibly a good thing. Gives me more time to create my own existence and all that. We haven't really had any of the big talks about money, the future, us, since I've gotten here, which I suppose I should get around to soon before I get crazy and lonely, and Definitely before I worry too much about money, maids, tv bills, ski trips, $2 grapefruits (the grapefruit I ate today was orange on the inside but it wasn't an orange)... You know, women need to talk about everything. It reassures us, shows us where we stand. Even if the news is horrible, and we know it's gonna be horrible, we still need to talk about it. Knowing and being in pain is always better than not knowing, in my opinion. You know those movies where the heroine dramatically states, "No, don't tell me. I don't wanna know."? I think she's full of shit. Who doesn't want to know? Tell me who you fucked or who killed Charlie Brown or how you cut the woman in half, for fucks sake tell me!

It's all ok. Joe told me last night that he thought I was sad. I'm not, I'm just scared. I'm scared a lot, which is why I do all the things I do. I'm dancing with myself.

Time to be dramatic and wander the almost-familiar-streets, inhaling cold cold cigarette smoke. I miss you all, especially Highland House, Audrey, Nikhila, dinners with Leila, and summertime parties with extra-sexy good huggers. When we move to the new house I'll spin my poi on the beach and think of you all.

Say pie!

It had not been made clear to me how into pie the kiwis are. Every dinner or dessert item seems to have a pie version. I bought a couple varieties from the supermarket to try since, as everyone who spent significant time with me this summer knows, I really like pie. Something about the self-contained meal, not to mention a crust (which is really fatty bread, and what woman doesn't like that?) is supremely satisfying. I hope their idea of pie is good.

I woke up this morning painfully missing my adventurer self. This summer I was free and ran around outside all the time, getting lots of exercise and bruises. I know I'm idealizing in retrospect, and have already forgotten just how shitty my job was, but it was still a good time. Lots of new friends and old friendships being strengthened. I was alive. It is hard for me to accept this stuck-inside-because-it's-shitty-out and well-taken-care-of-housewife status. I know I know, it's been 3 days and I'll find my place here and eventually the weather will be better and anyway isn't my boyfriend wonderful to see again, but for now, my heart feels a terrible loss.

The gang here is great. It's a good group of people. The gang at home was good too. So many good groups! I can't even imagine all the tribes of people I don't know who excel at living as much as we do. It's easy to forget they're out there and to think that YOUR particular group of friends are the best, especially when so much negativity is swirling around on the internet, in politics, and on tv, but considering the high success rate I have with new people (let's say it's around 50%) and accounting for the fact that I meet these people through similar interests and circles of people, I still think about 15% of the population must be awesomely wonderful in ways I enjoy immensely, and another 30% is great in ways I don't entirely understand or relate well to.

I don't know why I'm making up fake statistics right now. It's 8 am and the men have left for work. Kris is still sleeping but she'll be up soon so that we can assemble the burritos for delivery to Weta. People will eat the burritos and be happy. Maybe I'll make like $20. Oh, I met Clodagh yesterday and she was very nice. Maybe once I know her better I can convince her to go on adventures in the wilderness with me. She seems to like that sort of thing too and has similar intent to fight the wifey status.

more impressions

Ok, back now. Man, we really live it up here. Not quite sure what to think about all the trips, buying extravagant things for our home, and eating out that goes on around here. I'm used to just above baseline level simplicity. Scrimping and saving. Freezing parts of meals for later. Walking or taking public transit everywhere. Visiting museums on free days. Going to the park because it is beautiful and free. Reading. Now I am surrounded by the media whores. There will be multiple televisions at our house. We will eat out. There will be throwing of extravagant parties and $75 ecstacy. Ski trips, hotels, a weekly cleaning lady, 5 movies a week, yoga and gym memberships, fully stocked kitchen, furniture for rent, beer tastings, money in funny colors with funny holes flying around in the sky from hand to hand, exploding out of our shitters like newly discovered oil.

No no no, I can make this my own. I can do this. They need me here to be sensible and grounding. Ha! I just can't let myself be too caught up in all this, gotta remember what's important. Keepin it simple. I am good at that.

I am almost done with the Sandman series of comics (by Neil Gaiman). 20 pages from the final page in the final book actually. I almost don't want to pick it up again so that I can prolong the magical fantasy it creates. Books used to make me feel this way all the time, when I was young and believed in (which is slightly different than taking straight up as truth) everything I read. I got older and fantasy lost a little of it's luster, but Neil mixes so many elements, ideas, and humanity into his comics that it's all magic and True somehow. I never knew comics could be this way. Thank you Ted.

Joe is home (I live with Joe! So cool) from yoga so maybe I'll stop being a dork and talk to him. Yeah! Then finish Sandman, then go to this film festival thingy, and then another expensive meal I'll wager. Tomorrow I get to make burritos with Kris and THEN, if it's only mildly shitty out, I'll walk up and down the downtown area mentally mapping out the streets. I need to know where I am, where the supermarket and drugstore and bars and coffeeshops are. Where the (legal) prostitutes and the post office, the library, the teenagers' hangouts, business district, roads to nowhere, harbors, parks, etc. spend their time. After that, it's time to do some internet research. I really know almost nothing about this country. Public transportation, historic spots, hiking areas, monetary customs, part time jobs, getting involved with wooof, cell phones, these would be good things to know about.

my accomplishments

I did it. I really did. I'm here where it's winter. I'd check out the new star constellations but it's rainy and miserable out. Also I was, uh, otherwise occupied last night, my first night here. Francisco rented out this luxury suite, which you have already seen pictures of if you ever read the northisdown blog, but they don't quite capture the effect. And then for some reason they upgraded us to the presidential suite, the biggest and bestest one. It had 2 hallways, 2 bathrooms, a powder room, the largest bed I've ever slept in, a fully functional kitchen, a living room with enough seating for 12, a dining area, and a liquor cabinet with a lot of glasswear that I don't know what to do with. We didn't have a chance to do it in every room. Francisco had this great idea to rent it out every couple months. Next time I would like a dinner party but only if people are willing to dress up.

We have to go watch a movie right now but I'll write more soon. I'm just glad to be done with all the moving. I was laid over in Fiji for 4 hours during my 28 hour commute. The past couple o' week's ordeal makes this whole Wellington thing a little anticlimactic though aye? It is after all just a city. A city that reminds me of Nagaoka with all the rain and overhangs connecting buildings and brick sidewalks and cute crossings.