Self-repair

For ages I've thought of caffeine as an unnatural curse. A state we're addicted to in order to match our psyche with the unnatural pace of the modern world. A coping mechanism. Don't get me wrong, I love the stuff. But on my walk to work this morning, embracing the black tea coursing through my system and clearing my head of small traces of migraine, I was digging the usual caffeinated great love for the world. I loved the small triangle of sky peeking out, the 15th floor of the tallest buildings, that small woman and her aggressive walk, the stationary traffic, etc etc. And then I got to thinking, what if the way we feel at the appropriate level of caffeination is the normal human state? The way we would feel most of the time if we were in the environment we evolved to fit? What if this modern world, with it's strange combination of understimulation (aka we're not looking out for tigers or food all the time) and overstimulation (environmental and work-related stress), causes an unusual slothful normal state? It could be other factors too, like contact with plastics/metals/other pervasive substances, large numbers of people with large variations of germs, modern medicine, or any other factor new age types have thought up as the cause of modern ills. So we caffeinate to bring ourselves to correct awareness, because we know our usual state is not ideal.

The mind has a great ability to detect when things aren't right and to self-correct. That's why I'm not worried about apocalypse. The future will be intensely different, but we've been able to detect the off-balance of the world early enough to prevent Armageddon. We constantly poke at philosophy and religion cavities, striving for the correct filling, the one that feels right. When we find the one that's right for us, we want everyone else to know about it, because it feels so great. But each person needs to fill a different set of holes. What makes one whole, agitates another. We are Lego pieces in form but not in spirit. Maybe we need to start small and fill our personal holes, before we can go about fixing the hole in the world. It makes me crazy when in the work place we do not start at the beginning of a problem. Maybe the same is true about fixing the environment.

Tongariro

I'm off to the Tongariro crossing in a couple hours for the weekend, New Zealand's most famous 1-day hike. It passes through volcano country in the middle of the North Island. I hear there's one of those strangely colored mineral-dense lakes up there near the top of it all. I won't take pictures because that's not my chosen role in life, but Hovig and Peter will! I'll maybe post some pics eventually. Right now I'm hungry for Udon soup, so I'll go get some of that now. I'm skipping work today! Ok, bye!

Philosophy vs reality

I was sitting in my favorite kebab place last night, eating dinner and finishing off Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, when this enormous woman walked in. Some morbidly obese people look alright to me, like it's hard to tell that their weight is killing them. They walk long distances and have good friends and enjoy life. But then there are some morbidly obese people, like this woman, that blatantly look like they're dying. She was profusely sweating (it wasn't hot out) and talked with great effort. I then imagined that I had previously seen her walk into the McDonalds next door (my mind might have been making this part up). She heaved down outside in her enormous blue nightgown thing, and my heart curled up into a little hard ball. I felt so full of despair, I had to put my book down for a minute. It's quite rare for me to feel such immediate pain at seeing a person, because I am a hard person. I very rarely feel pity for people. Sometimes I'm amazed at people's abilities to deal with their lives' shortcomings, but sympathy is not my strong point, not with strangers anyway

Ok, so there I was confronting a depressing aspect of real life, while at the same time reading a book on philosophy. It's a weird feeling to be confronted by reality when you're in that idealistic philosophising mood, you know what I mean? This is why I like reading "deep" books, books questioning existence/reality/life/beyond-life, while sitting in a public place. It makes me question more my idealistic dreams. I fly into the stratosphere when I read philosophy, and then I come back to earth and do boring things, think mean thoughts about strangers, do my laundry, get drunk. It's hard to resolve these two extremes of existence, but small steps towards resolution take place when I read in public. Maybe I'm a little kinder to people. More patient. Less serious. That's my hope anyway

I'm reading a lot of philosophy this week. I finished up with the motorcycles last night, now I'm onto this book that devotes a chapter to  a number of various sages, called: "20th Centrury Mystics and Sages"  There was a chapter on Don Juan Matus (of Carlos Casteneda fame) and you'd better believe I read that one first. I was so into his books in college! I got really caught up in the sorcery that took place, most heavily in the last book, but now that I'm older I'm more interested in the deeper truths he taught. Flashy magic still appeals, but it's not why I read books about life anymore. Sure sure, drugs are great, but I'm looking for something more these days. It was great to revisit his philosophy again. Reading about it made me realize that even if I had forgotten most of the specifics, I still retained something of the essential teachings. Ever since then, We are all One spirituality has appealed more. I like to walk with nothing in my hands because I go faster and more nimbly. I imagine light lines connecting all things. I try not to be afraid of thirst. Etc etc, I'm sure there are many more ways those books shaped my way of being. I don't care if a lot of Casteneda's writing is fiction either. I'll kill you all!

I don't see the pieces

I've never thought deeply about why the work so many of my friends do doesn't appeal to me. I would always just be like, "Ugh, so much computering. So unhealthy. So stressful." Their jobs looked aesthetically unattractive to witness externally - poor posture slumped over a greasy desk, typing typing away in a box of 2 colors, forgetting to eat lunch, not moving for hours, talking and writing in a language I didn't understand. But things that are irritating or beautiful from the outside overall artistic sense, can acquire a different aspect when viewed from the inside, in a more piecemeal logical understanding. I'm sure there is beauty in the order of code, once you grasp the logic or game or whatever. Order appeals to me, but so does art and chaos. Maybe this is why I can never settle on a career, because both sides pull me equally. Which is perhaps a gift I should exploit more, to unite disparate world views. It seems most technology marketing these days is trying to do just this, with the sexy sleek machines, intuitive programs and appealing color schemes.

Anyway, what I was trying to get to before I got distracted is that I was suddenly struck today by how different my and Francisco's thinking styles are. It's caused problems in the past, mostly with me growing impatient at his slow logic, or angry that he seems to be picking a fight with me, whereas he is bewildered by my anger at what he sees as the best way to understand something. And I wasn't just struck with how different we are, but about how GRATEFUL I am that we are different enough to be interesting, yet just similar enough to slowly learn about the other's world. So many people are so different (they appear uninteresting or wrong from the outside). A few are the same, but I wouldn't be getting this amazing feeling right now if I were involved with them. Maybe I would be getting a different amazing feeling though? The warmth of knowing I'm not really alone?

The more I read this blog entry, the more I see it needs extensive editing in order to make much sense, but I'm losing my special feeling already and don't feel up to the task. And anyway, it's just a blog.

Nanonice

AH. It's good to be on the other side of the wall again. The amount of bloating going on during PMS always startles me. It doesn't seem possible. And the cravings are gone too. There's a huge pile of Easter eggs on the table behind me right now, and I'm not even slightly tempted to eat one. It's amazing what a tablespoon of blood letting will do. I can't believe how much better I feel. Those crazy manic irritated days sprinted away like a fart in a breeze. The cycle continues.

This weekend a group of us will be going camping on Ken and Jeanne's new land. It will be very basic living, because we have to haul everything we bring up a steep hill. No extravagant cookery for me. Also, there is no toilet, running water, or anything. It is new and exciting. We will need a poo shovel. They have asked us to think up ideas of what to do with the land, and to help them name it. I haven't felt this excited about land since I was a kid, when every outdoor space was an opportunity for partitioning, creating, building. I hope I can afford to start from nothing somewhere someday.

My sister Kate mentioned on her blog a little while back how she didn't understand Zoe and I for wanting to return to nature and raise a bunch of kids in the middle of nowhere. She said she was too invested in/excited about technology to do that. I'm excited about technology too, and I like to think about great ways it will be integrated subtly into a more "natural" environment. I think the future is technology and nature coming together in a more sustainable way. So I don't think I'm turning my back on technology by craving nature/low intensity lifestyle. I just think they belong a little closer together, and I hope to one day work to make this happen. I've always loved science fiction, and how things work, and thinking about the future, I don't think anyone can really describe me as being in denial of technology. One thing I'm fantasizing about right this moment is nanodetectors that can be released into a natural environment, to assess the whole ecosystem. And then rather than changing the system to maximise human comfort, they will choose the appropriate building materials/flora/fauna to create a human dwelling/workplace that will most smoothly integrate into the environment (the heating & plumbing systems and locations of different rooms arranged to benefit maximally from the available climate, microorganisms, geothermal activity etc). The future is an exciting place, because we won't need to be surrounded by millions of people to have tons of human contact. As the internet user interface improves, millions of people can be with us everywhere, even as we hop over a stream running through the woods near our ecocommunity.

Wish, bone, wish!

"Laughter is brightest, in the place where the food is best!"

Exact punctuation of Wishbone sign. Ah, glad that's taken care of.

Minor eruptions on the surface of life

Another well written, profound statement on the sign in front of Wishbone this morning

Hmmm, it was so profound I've forgotten it already. Something like, "Where people meet and have good times, food is found." I'm not making it sound any more awkward than it was. And in a shop yesterday, I saw a tshirt that had another Wishbone-ism on it: "Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate!" Yuck. Damn you and your signs Wishbone

I've been really cranky and feeling bad about myself this week. I have zits and gas and feel fat. My clothes are all shrinking and look old. I've been trying to make shopping more fun (only go to one store a day, pick up 2 sizes of each item and don't look at the size tag when I try them on, treat the event as a 20 minute reward rather than an epic mission, etc) so that I actually end up buying something new that I look good in, but it's hard in NZ. The stores with higher quality clothes are very intimidating to me. The prices are a lot higher than at home, and they tend to be very small, with 3 sales staff and 0 customers, a situation I find extremely awkward. The stores I feel more comfortable in are not so great. I finally found a shirt in one of them yesterday though. I'm wearing it today and already feel better. It's very long, which is the only type of shirt I'm buying from now on, and it has gold metallic thread woven in it, so it's sparkly and dressy. The kind of shirt I need, one I can wear to work and then out to the bar after work. The ideal shirt. I still dream about finding the ideal shoes - dressy for work, comfortable enough to dance in and spend all night in after work, fairly conservative neutral coloring but with a funky hint of awesome up close, flexible, soft edges, flat or small heel, do not shift or slip or rub even slightly no matter what I do in them, not slippery on the bottom, a bit of arch support, and does not absorb foot stink. Easy. I once found shoes here that came pretty close, they had red stitching around the edge, were black and sturdy with only a bit more heel than I like, but they were $490. That is not acceptable.

I actually felt so bad about myself this weekend that I was unable to make myself leave the house until I had dyed my hair and shaved my legs. Usually it's easy to just pull on a pair of sweats and go, but I found myself sweating as I approached the door. A popular ghost had his hands around my neck, choking me.

I hope I feel better soon. I hope I stop eating buns and fries and chocolate soon. I hope I get my _____ soon. I've still been getting good amounts of exercise every day, so that's something. And I have a haircut tomorrow. And the pimples look better. I'll go to yoga tonight, and then maybe see my friends afterwards. I'm aware that everything will be ok soon, which is one of the biggest differences between me now and me 5 years ago, but it's tedious that it continues to happen, regardless of my vows and efforts to uphold a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes when I think about becoming a nutrition consultant I want to say sod it all, it's no use because you're either preaching to the choir or lecturing people who don't have the means or will power to change their situation. I mean, if I keep failing, whose to blame a broke woman with 4 kids and 30 years of the worst habits from failing? The more I think about lifestyle choices, the more interested I become in the psychology of choices and the less interested in trying to fix people

I'm glad I resolved to love MIT again, because I means I'm able to read Technology Review. It's a really good magazine. It's like science fiction but it's real. And it's mine free, for life. No matter where I move, it always manages to find me. I just finished the last 2 issues and feel invigorated by the future. It's nice to have realistic hope for amazing things. It's taken me 5 years, but I'm ready to embrace technology and problem solving again. I might buy one of those physics video lectures advertised in the last issue, and I'll understand it no matter HOW fat I am!

Christian Baking

I'm not a religious person, but dang, hot cross buns are good. Yet another thing I'll miss about NZ. I'd thought they were kinda lame, but I should know by now not to make assumptions based solely on the New World version of an item.

I didn't know anything about hot cross buns and wanted to know whether they've accompanied Easter through the ages, so I started poking around on wikipedia and ended up on this talkative blog post, which mentioned that part of the history of hot cross buns is their illegality for a few moments in the 1950's. Also it mentions how Americans don't like hot cross buns, perhaps due to the bits of fruit and spices inside bringing to mind fruitcake. But it's so much more than a fruitcake! It's airy! It's in a bun shape! The top is shiny and the inside is light! 3 cheers for hot cross buns!

About 2 minutes after I finished the bun I picked up in the bakery and 1 minute after I started this post, my coworker returned with a 6 pack of buns. So I ate another one. I have no regrets.

I feel depressed and apathetic today. If I had a chocolate cake, I might eat half of it. I think I know what's coming tomorrow....

Oh Crap:

"As mentioned earlier, white people love to be outside. But not everyone knows that another thing they like to do is make people feel bad for wanting to watch sports on TV or play videogames. While it would be easy to get angry at white people for this, remember it is hard wired in their head that the greatest thing a person can do in their free time is to hike/walk/bike outdoors.

Usually, they will see that you are preparing to enjoy your life and they will say “hey, lets go for a hike in the park,” and most people will say “hey, thanks but I’ve been working all week and I’m really excited about watching this game,” and then they will respond “don’t be a lump on the couch, you’re wasting your life away, etc…” If you ignore them, they will eventually go away.

And much like most things with white people - they win both ways. If you decide to go with them, they feel good about getting someone off the couch and “into the fresh air,” and if you don’t decide to go, they can spend their entire time outdoors saying “boy, this is great, X doesn’t know what he/she is missing!” and running on a mix of self-satisfaction, Odwalla juice and muesli."

*hangs head*

Reference: Stuff White People Like.

Family Friendly

I got a really great email from Francisco today. It made me smile.

This was a very wholesome weekend. As both of our partners are abroad, I spent the majority of it with James. Friday we saw Heavenly Burlesque (arial circus act outdoors). This year I did it proper Vanessa style and a) showed up 15 minutes early b) told my friends to show up 15 minutes early and c) brought pillows to sit on. It was great, I got called up on stage due to my early arrival and, therefore, front row seating. I like that kind of thing. It was a neat show. I spent most of it marveling at their amazing bodies. The ladies were especially awesome. Of course Tania the amazing hula hoop girl was neat, as was the girl who could fit inside a tiny box, but my favorite was the pair of girls that performed a perfectly synced arial display. You can tell they've been working together for a while. One of them was super tiny and the other one was amazingly strong, although you couldn't tell just by looking at her that she could support multiple people in the air. After the show I accompanied Clodagh and her sis to Te Papa to make shadow puppets on the wall. Tents were out and glowing in the night for the International Arts Festival, and I was reminded of Burningman. We ran towards and away from the light to make big and small bodies. I enjoyed being small. Most of the other participants favored being big, especially the little kids. They crushed my puny body while I cowered on the ground. Heehee

Saturday James, Hovig and I went hiking to the Pinnacles, these rock formations that look very, well, penis-like. I'm sorry but they do, there are hundreds of tall cylindrical rock formations with wider caplike structures at the top. It was a gorgeous weekend, one that I'm sure ALL OF MY FRIENDS NOT CURRENTLY IN NEW ZEALAND will miss terribly. I fell asleep at 8pm, and then again at 10:30pm.

Sunday continued the wholesome, alcohol free bent the weekend was aquiring. I woke up early enough to beat the crowds at the farmer's market and then spent the rest of the day working on my African dance costume. We performed in this cheesy, family-friendly African festival that/last night, with tons of audience participation. It was awesome. At the end, the only actual African in the room went off on this crazy drum solo, in which it looked like he was actually speaking the drum sounds. He moved his face in a crazy way to mimic the various drum sounds and I was enthralled. Perhaps TOO enthralled, because afterwards, he came over and complimented my dancing and chatted me up. I had that glazed eye smiling face on I often have when meeting someone I consider a true artist, so he asked for my number and I awkwardly gave it to him. I always have this fantasy that perhaps someone will want to have a cup of coffee with me and talk about art, without actually wanting to date me, but I know that never happens. Sheesh, I'm 27, I've been through this many times. Oh well, time for some more awkward letdowns. Sorry African man. You are neat but my true love is in Thailand

I'm planning to go to the gym all week, and continue cleaning my already clean house. Life is fantastic. I look forward to hearing more about Thailand adventures, like how Joe ever thought it was a good idea to spend 20,000 baht on a fortune teller. WTF?!?

Dorked

I never want to be in the sort of relationship where I'm left out of the adventure. Better to be Trillian than one of the female hobbits. I decided this upon finishing the epilogue of Iain M. Banks' latest Culture book last night.

I had a strong sense of Narnia in the courtyard outside MiniHealth today. A lampost has suddenly appeared in the center. Fantasy is verging on normal. Mundane Long Island sounds exciting. Standards are being readjusted to accomodate easy realizations.

I've been eating raw today, and made it to the gym the past 2 days. My eyes are bugging out in that weird way they do whenever I clean house. I wonder if I look different on the outside.

It's ok, I don't like pork that much anyway

Francisco is gone. Gone gone gone! Damnit.

He rented out the club suite at the Duxton for his last night. It kinda felt like he was a bit too distracted to really enjoy it, he had this gargantuan list to tick off during his last 2 days here. We were supposed to be at the hotel at about 4 or 5, but ended up checking in at 8. And then he left to do a couple more errands while I ran around and around the circular pathway ascribed by our suite's hallway, bedroom, and living room. That's right baby, we had 2 TVs. And 2 bathrooms. And a bar area and hallway. Such extravagance. We had room service dinner, then Allen and Sarah showed up and we had this bizarre photo shoot with all of Allen's new remote-controlled lighting equipment while drinking the last of the Italian wines. Real movie star. Later I had a long bath and stained the tub with my bath bomb while Francisco watched movies. *Snip* The next morning was free breakfast buffet (amazing stewed plums. I know that sounds gross but I've only had canned stewed plums before and that was probably about 20 years ago, it was amazing to have fresh tart ones). I kind of was like Good Riddance when we were saying our goodbyes, Get Out of Here Already and Let Me Rest in Peace, but now another day has passed and the sadness is kicking in. I'm not sad enough to cry, as everyone else has been doing, I just feel a little lost and trapped. Mostly trapped, by my inability to access Francisco whenever I want to. I forgot this weird feeling. It'll pass soon. By next week I'll be fine.

Oh yeah, and we dined at Citron on Saturday, which I think cost the same amount as the hotel room. It was pretty fantastic. Full of bizarrely awesome wine pairings. They did unbelievable things to potatoes, and started us off with something I wouldn't be far off the mark by calling wagyu beef jerky, which had me fantasizing about fancy camping. Which might happen soon, if Ken and Jeanne really go through with an Easter weekend camping trip on their new land.

Anyway there are other things going on. On Sunday at 8pm I'll be performing with Jenny and others at the Newtown Community Centre, doing the African dance thing. Come if you have nothing else to do, it should be a drumming good time.

Tonight thru Saturday I have zero plans though. It feels great! I will read Iain M Banks' newest book and clean my house and body. Enough extravagance for now. I'm imposing a ban on pork until I can see Francisco again.

Please don't die on your travels, I'll miss bacon too much.