Proton

I feel better now. There are some problems I don't know how to fix, but they aren't who I am. I have some interesting things to think about.

Repeat

Huh weird, I'm in almost the same position as the last time I blogged, and that was 3 weeks ago. Drinking tea, feeling sad and poor. Too too poor. I don't know what to do, but my job is the opposite of a stable organized situation. This is making me a little nuts. I'm finally happy with my work, but I'm barely/sporadically getting paid. My boss is out for 2 weeks, and I have $55 left until she returns to pay me again. Dad emailed me to let me know I'm not getting presents from the greater Speed family for Christmas, and that I don't have to get anyone anything. Somehow that makes me feel even worse, even though it's what I wanted since I can't afford anything. Seriously, who wants to see an email that says that? I'm trapped trapped trapped. So many things I want to do (take classes, do yoga, eat out, go away on weekends...) and I can't do any of it. Poverty jail.

Listening to music from college, watching the evening sky, eating leftover turkey in my salad. Things could be worse. They could always be worse.

I'm about to get my period, that's probably part of the problem. I overindulged yesterday. I felt sick, sore throat, weak, tired. I thought I was getting a cold, but it seems more like my body is just weak from misuse, PMS and stress.

I really really am hating this holiday season. It makes me sick, the shopping frenzy. I hated it before NZ, but I hate even more now that I've lived somewhere without the chaos. I miss it. Things are really fucked up here. A Walmart employee on Long Island fucking died in the early morning sales rush today. How's that for a way to die.
"Items on sale at the Wal-Mart store included a $798 Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28, a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69 and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9."

AAAAAHHHHHHHH! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fucknuts. I wish I had a dancing Santa to spit on, kick around, smash up. All throwing it into a corner, an extreme closeup as it repeats ho-ho-ho but all fucked up like, slowing down, its light flickering on and off, the pitch getting lower and lower and then finally, nothing. It stops moving. Lights out. The end.

That's better, I needed to vent. Sorry for the joy break. Things will be ok soon.

help is on the way

Strange nightmares, followed by dark days. Unanswered job-related questions, unopened emails, and $85 in the bank account. My life is on pause, and there isn't a temp available to fill in for a few days.

I'm drinking yerba mate latte blend. It's dark and evil, and will give me energy for tonight. I'm leaving soon to help set up at the Cubik and Origami record release party. Then I will party and ignore the rain outside. Dance dance dance. Tomorrow morning I have to get up at 8am for my first volunteer shift at the cancer clinic. Hopefully the yerba mate will see me through that as well. I'm nervous and excited, like on a second date with high potential. Tomorrow night is the Cloudfactory fashion show, and I don't work on Mondays, so I'm seriously looking forward to Monday morning.

I like listening to Francisco and Kris downstairs playing video games. Whatever they're shooting at is apparently hilarious. Joe just walked by in his underwear and waved at me. He just got out of the shower, his second favorite place (I think his first favorite is K's vagina. Oh no I didn't!). James is somewhere, and wants to buy bacon or other breakfast meats with Francisco soon. Hopefully this paragraph gives a good picture of what it's like to live in our big San Francisco house. It's a good place. Except for whatever geological activity caused the house to crack a few weeks ago. Now none of the doors parallel to the front door fit in their frames. The perpendicular doors are all fine though.

In case you can't tell, I'm in a really weird mood tonight. It's not terrible, but I wouldn't describe it as jubilant either. We'll see what happens. I try to remain patient and vigilant, like a patriotic guard. Maybe I need a uniform.

Decided

Not going to pursue the longevity gig. It's straight-up admin. Not worth considering at this pivotal point in my career path. Here we go non-benefits! If anyone has good emergency/major large expense medical problem insurance to recommend, please let me know. High deductible ok, just something cheap to get me through the next year or two in case of emergency. Peace of mind for Mom.

Hey, Halloween was awesome! I dressed up as a plant /wood nymph / poison-ivy-inspired creature. F, James and I went to a few different parties, and really enjoyed them all. Even the walking from one to another was ok (it was a fight to the death for cabs out there). This one guy was an interactive voting machine. He would take you through the process (thumbprint, income verification, race verification, and finally a biased pointer towards your candidate of choice) and then give you an "i voted" sticker at the end. Plus, he could rest his drinks on the top of his votey box.

I feel pretty good about being done with voting. California voting is hard, with ~ a dozen state propositions to consider, and ~20 San Francisco ones, but I did the work, and tried to balance cynicism and progressive optimism equally. Slowly I'm learning how to vote. I remember the first election I participated in, I basically guessed on everything not President-related. Sorry about that.

Joe and Kris are on a romantic getaway, which Francisco has decided gives him the authority to walk around in the nude. Um, hello, have you forgotten about the troll in the basement? The troll is caffeine-dependent, so maybe this early in the morning you are safe from judgement.

I am a decision machine today. Send me your issues and I will quickly and painlessly judge them. The rain has trapped me inside, which is thrilling really. I am cleaning, eating, rediscovering music, and passing judgement. What a great weekend. I am so ready for winter.