Hot Cold

Ah. My fever finally broke. The time has come for feasting atop the bodies of my enemies. My skin has a strange translucency. Do things ever look different to you after a sickness? I decided last night, during a low moment, that there are 2 separate Vanessas, healthy Vanessa and sick Vanessa. I decided, mentally picturing healthy Vanessa sitting at her desk answering her phone, that I didn't know who she was and therefore we must be 2 different people. In fact, she could die and it wouldn't matter that much to me. No wait, I should die and improve her life a lot. Death didn't seem so important when there were 2 of us. But in the end, I decided she needed me, because otherwise she might forget what's important. The misery of my migraines keeps me grounded. When you're sick, it's very clear what's important, but when you're well, it becomes a little vague and trivial things gain too much power.

I'm going away this weekend and apparently there are 5 million things I could be doing to find the cat that I'm not doing because A) I'm afraid of strangers B) I'm overwhelmed with other things I should be doing and C) Most of my energy right now is going into self-pity. So there. I said it.

New Zealand might be a lot closer than I had realized. I'm not sure what to do about this. Francisco definitely got the job and they want him out there, like, now. I just started a Tai Chi class, am enjoying thinking about all the burningman work ahead, don't have any money, need to reapply for the working holiday visa, have this cat issue, and did I mention the money problem?

I'll be back on Tuesday with saccharine success stories and furry balls of joy I'm sure. Until then, my phone is off. Everyone stay calm.

Haiku Brunch

Waiting for The Cheat
6 fillings are not filling
the hole in my soul

Funny dog barking
Behind those teeth is Cheatin
Orange makes him cough

Me and the lettuce
have a chemical romance
Downy Fresh Salad

Other side of the bed

Last night I was lying on my floor, looking under my bed (at the absence of cat), and I suddenly remembered when my sisters used to crawl under my parents' bed, from one side to the other. I would get about 2' in and freak out. I have some claustrophobia issues I guess. Anyway, after 20 years I finally did it. I wormed my way from one side under my bed to the other. It helps that my bed is high enough for me to stand my head up vertically underneath, but it's a start. Also, it's reassuring to know that my butt doesn't stick up higher than my head....yet.

I feel healthy again. I wanted to put that here too, so that it's official.

I'm so totally taking back that anti-shopping edict I posted last week. Sometimes a girl needs Victoria's Secret and today is one of those days.

P.S. Francisco got a call from Weta last night and now I'm positive he's getting a job there. We are so close to New Zealand. Congratulations man!

P.P.S. Hi Nikhila!

Working Language

The president of our company wants me to read The Toyota Way.

Alright, fine, I'll read it. I looked over a couple chapters yesterday and quickly picked up a few, very commonsense, points about improving efficiency and job satisfaction. So I wrote him a brief email listing those points as they could apply to our bidding dept. Here's what he wrote back:

"Can you value stream map the process?"

Alright, I get it. You've bought into the whole LEAN philosophy. You're going ahead full steam and really want to make a difference. But this is my problem with "innovation" in the workplace. In the end it usually boils down to the same boring procedure. You HAVE to follow this and this and this step. You have to talk in the stupid language, even though these complicated-sounding names belong to commonsense ideas. You have to make things complicated to make them simple. I just.....don't understand how so many people buy into this sort of thing. Scientology is a lot like this. Confusing language explaining old or meaningless concepts. I really would love to work in a place where people are A) Aware and willing to make changes as they become necessary or beneficial and B) There's no bullshitting around with extra language, graphs, meetings..... The only benefit I see to LEAN right now is it's bringing everyone's awareness to some major problems. Problems that maybe are easier for me to see since I'm new to the place (not just this job, but to the business world in general).

I'll make him his stupid chart. He's a nice guy, very earnest, so I don't have the heart (or the guts) to tell him we're adding an extra step to an otherwise straightforward process. It's his company and he's been doing it for 30 years, so ok. But it's silly.

Anyway. Thinking about work is actually making me feel a lot better. This is the worst week I've had (depression-wise) in about 3 years (individual days have been worse but a day is a day and a week is fucking forever). I have a lot more tools at my disposal for dealing with this sort of thing, so I'll get through it ok, but it's a little upsetting that even with my positive-view on life, my wonderful peeps, and the exciting things in my future, that I can still get like this. I'm dissappointed with my brain.

The cat's still gone and seasonal allergies have blown in. Maybe that's why I feel this way. I dunno. I'm starting Tai Chi next week with Leila so that should help too. Body awareness gets my mind off my mind (in my head I see a small brain wriggling around on top of and kind of humping or attacking a larger brain. Have you ever seen Naked Lunch? It's in that style.).

5 fillings on Saturday

My kitchen is nasty. Someone ate my bacon. I ate someone's stuffing. Francisco appeared out of nowhere at 12:30 am. He drove me to work. The Cheat is missing.

Francisco is nice. Everything else is horrible horrible. Why am I in such a bad mood? Healthify brain, heeeegghhhhh hegh hegh lllliiffffyyyyyy (veins popping, synapses straining).

5 fillings on Saturday, hey hey hey.

PS. Don't worry about The Cheat, Ardents. I'm sure he's fine.

Funky

Man I shoulda guessed that Emeril would be involved with Phillippe's rescue effort! 2 weeks ago Emeril starts blogging about trashspotting, and then last week Phillippe ran off to the trash depot but I didn't manage to put 2 and 2 together until the first panel of today's strip. Why didn't I see, why?

This is a very very good strip today.

Also, was anyone else annoyed by the people in charge of Sol System's party this weekend? It was a fine party, don't get me wrong. But there was no free water (or even a sink), and $3 bottles of water. Also, this cage started closing in around me and Audrey on the dance floor, which was pretty exciting, until some guy shoved us and yelled, "Get Out! A performance piece is happening here!" Some performance piece. It was, surprise surprise, about 30 people dancing in a cage. I still don't understand why they had to shove us out. I think just to make the people involved with throwing the party feel special and important. People do that a lot in this city. It usually doesn't bother me because they make such awesome stuff, really incredible parties and art and events. But sometimes....when I'm feeling a little bitchy....I wonder why they have to be so self-important about the whole thing.

Eh. We're all human. I'd do it too.

I'm in a bad mood today. I walked to work, so that helped get my body feeling better, but my mind still isn't doing too well. No matter how awesome Lost is, I still gotta be more careful about watching it all weekend. I've made myself ill with TV, again. Terrible terrible terrible.

Helping out with the plan

To help with my plan (the whole I'm-a-dirty-hippy-who-doesn't-use-credit-cards-anymore thing), I decided to lose my wallet yesterday. I was holding:

A sandwich
My phone
My wallet

Me and Audrey raaaan for the bus (hey, it was her first day of work, we couldn't be late).

Once on the bus I (wisely) decided that my delicious sandwich was much more important than an inedible cloth rectangle full of plastic and paper. So was my phone, because some of the sandwich had gotten onto the phone and I had to lick it off.

This is the first time I've ever lost a wallet or purse in my whole life. I was just a little off with the routines. It felt bad at first but now it strangely feels awesome (it helps that I have the keys to my office petty cash box). Every quarter I find on the floor of my room has new importance. I was starving without food last night at Francisco's, hanging out after my eye appt (at which they were very nice about my lack of funds and picked out the most stylish glasses I've ever owned), when I found some cereal and bananas I had bought a few days ago. They tasted very good. Then I cleaned his room (because I'm crazy) and listened to all his music. I think that's the first time I've ever hung out at his house alone. It was really wonderful, and somehow made the place mine. His roomates are workaholics too apparently, because they also weren't there at 8pm.

Anyway, it was a much more unusual day than I had expected. Today seems to be going that direction as well. I get off work at noon today so many things could happen. Starting with the DMV. And the beach? Then it's time for some Matt, who I haven't really talked to in at least 4 or 5 months. Today is sentimental and weird. I've become separated from my current life and am visiting old thoughts. Sometimes it shocks me what broad swaths of memories and feelings I've forgotten about.

Existential crisis: Averted

I'm very good at living.
(I'm sure you are too.)

Indie Movie

I was thinking on the bus stop, I don't know if this is the right way to live or not. I know I spend too much time partying/watching tv (both because I love my boyfriend (and like to do stuff with him) and because I have some fear of missing out on all the fun), and not enough time on life tasks. My mission. The stuff that lets me lose awareness of ME ME ME ME. The stuff that keeps me from getting sick of myself (which is really, when you think about it, what cancer is!)

But I was wrong. I do know whether this is the right way to live or not. It's NOT. I'm just afraid afraid. Because I don't know the right way, and it's gonna be a scary road of trying things out and failing. I worry that my family will shake their heads after one of my failures and go, "She was such a smart girl. Why did she have to do that?" I want to hide my failures from them. Because of course I'm gonna fucking fail! Maybe 10 times before I get it right. Most people don't leave the standard, don't start from scratch! It's not a clear path. I've grown up my whole life needing money, needing approval, needing to fucking relax after finishing whatever it is that occupies most of my time in a tedious, distracting way. T.V., beer, parties, running, extreme sports, shopping, whatever it is that takes your mind off the fact that you're running out of time and energy and putting yourself into something that is less than who you are for most of your time.

This is very very very exciting! I just gotta figure out how to save some money (hey here's an idea: stop partying!) and get this thing started already. Aaahh, I'm so afraid of leaving money.......Money, my love. Let me fuck you one last time. Before you fuck me.

Things I need one long last breakup fuck with:

Health checkups, esp. teeth, eyes, and girly bits
Money
Trendy Haircuts
Gym/yoga

And starting right now: simplify. no more credit cards, technology purchases, excessive restauranting, cabs, beauty products, non-essential plastic (esp grocery bags), cell-phone conversations when we could be talking in person, drinking when you have a headache/are bored/don't know what else to do, meaningless (overambitious) promises, duty to respond to every email that comes your way, wasted paper (and excessive garbage in general), internet purchases (other than airfare), holding on to presents you don't even like just because they're presents, caffeine, other migraine-aggravating activity........



oh. it's empty in here isn't it. woah

Cleaner...cleaner!

I have this overwhelmingly powerful craving to clean my room right now. Clean!

Of course this feeling will be gone once I've paid my debt as an excel monkey for 8 hours. By the time I get home all I'll wanna do is read my new Octavia Butler book. And dial 7 digits to Thai happiness.

This must be one of those neverending dilemmas the real grown-ups go through (The grown-up standard that existed before I was born and will continue to exist after I die. You know, those permanent grown-ups that run the show and never change.) There's never enough energy to do everything you want to do, because your most productive hours are spent sitting in front of a computer, interspersed with meaningless relationships with coworkers, these people who, for the amount of time they see you, should know you intimately.

The lack of intimacy really freaks me out sometimes. That's why I always need physical contact with my boyfriend, my family, and my closest friends (drugs help with this one). And why I often take conversations deeper than the other person is comfortable doing. Because if I don't push boundaries occasionally, I start to feel trapped. This blog helps a little, it makes me feel like I've achieved some level of intimacy with the unknown. I don't know where this hunger comes from, but it's comforting. It gives a little more purpose to what I'm doing. Maybe I'm getting good at it? Maybe I am cultivating a craft that uses humor and gesture to overcome people's boundaries a little. I've always enjoyed thinking of myself as an extremist with a moderate exterior. I try to get people to approach me as a conservative equal at first, and then worm my way in. I'm not very good at the worming in part yet, but as I get older, I get more confident and less scared of freaking people out, so maybe I will be a pro at this in a few more years/decades.

Also, my sister mentioned she might want to go to Burningman with me this year. I want to try to make this as financially easy for her as possible because this is the kind of thing I'm talking about. I think she'd really like it too, she's already pretty comfortable with the bizarre. And she's in that, Ah I'm freaking out because I just graduated college and what am I going to do now! moment. I think things like Burningman really ground people and let them slow down to see the bigger picture. It helped me a lot when I first moved out here and didn't know what I was doing (I still don't in some ways but there's a much more solid bit to me now that really helps with the fear).

Mighty Me

I feel sorry for people I've decided right away are dumb. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to be that person who just doesn't get stuff quickly and asks 5 billion questions? People all rolling their eyes at you, speaking very calmly, too calmly really. I wouldn't be able to stand it. Unless I was dumb enough not to notice these things. Being dumb is a fine line.

We're training a new temp today. Wow she's dumb! It's kinda fun but it would probably be a different story if today was really busy and I actually needed her, you know, help.

I also feel bad for older people who are temps (she's old too). It sucks being a temp, can you imagine being 55 and having to go back to that shit?