Potential

I was definitely getting down again yesterday about the whole plateau-ed job hunt, but things are starting to gear up again. I have an interview next week at this hearing aid center, where I would act as a consultant, testing people's hearing aids, checking their ears for wax, and some reception/admin stuff. That sounds kind of neat yeah? I've always liked audition (not auditions though). My career plan continues to take shape, and I may be enrolling in a 10 week medical assisting course sometime in the next few months. I can't afford it, but, eh, what's another $2100 on top of my existing loans, right? It really depends what kind of job I get. If I manage to land something that offers opportunites for medical direct-patient-contact advancement, or that provides such training, then I won't need to take the course. The goal right now is to have medical responsibility for at least a year, so that I can get into a Physician Asst. program. Yup, I've pretty much decided that the naturopathic program isn't for me. Too many questions, not enough proof. My heart is still a scientist. Sort of a hippy scientist. I figure the PA program is half as long, half as expensive, scientifically sound, and will allow me to be semi-autonomous in future jobs (unlike an RN, but more like a Nurse Practitioner), thereby giving me the opportunity to infuse my practice with a holistic, mind-body connection, nutrition and healthy lifestyle-heavy slant.

I mean, things aren't great, but at least the plan is there, glittering above just beyond eyesight. I earned $390 last week after taxes, which is not a happy number. It's hard for me to imagine breaking even, let alone funding future studies, getting health insurance, or even, yikes, putting some away into savings, but I'm trying not to worry too much. Live in the moment. Breathe it in and start the disco machine. It's Friday afternoon, can you feel it? Potential snaps in the air, crisp and fresh. Everyone is holding their breath. Streets and signs, floors and tables, bodies and minds are being wiped down and scrubbed up, just to be made broken and dirty again. The great cycle of rebirth. It happens every week. It's happening right now.

That's the spirit!

Does anyone else get that warm fuzzy feeling when they give a someone good directions? I'm starting to be able to give lost souls directions about this new building I'm working in. Once I was even able to give directions to ANOTHER building. My heart feels warm and gushy.

Hi ho hi ho, I had a lazy weekend yo. It was awesome. I sat around reading American Gods, by Neil Gaiman, for ~85% of Sunday, and I STILL haven't finished it. It's long. What I like about it is that it's about America, all the nitty gritty happenings in the present day, but infused with fantasy. The way he's balanced things with just enough fantasy (and a dark fantasy, which makes it a little more realistic), makes it feel like it could really be happening. I read a lot of out-there stuff, but lately have been tending more towards darker realistic material, and this book is a great blend of the two.

Let's see, did I leave the house at all this weekend...yes. We went out to Dim Sum at Ton Kiang on Saturday. I was being real moody on the way over, but fortunately Ton Kiang is delicious enough to slap me on the backside of my head and say, "Shut it and salivate lady!" After that F and I lazed about for a bit and then did domestic things, which were desperately needed. Later on some peeps came over for Rock Band practice. I've figured out how to use the drum foot peddle without causing leg fatigue and am now a rockin percussionist, just like I always dreamed I would be :)

It's old o'clock! Happy Birthday Allen! I can't believe it's your birthday already. Next week is Cary's bday, and then it will be about time for my sister's. I think the best thing about Facebook is that it tells you about upcoming birthdays. That's maybe it's only useful feature. A lot of it is crappy ways for people to email you. Oh look, they can write comments on pictures, comments on walls, private comments, and even, my favorite, COMMENTS ON COMMENTS. Thanks guys. I have a hard enough time keeping track of regular email.

Can't find lonely hearts club

Man, I just rock at being alone. I am so good at it. I am alone almost all day at this job and I am loving it. Today I started the Medical School curriculum at wikiversity. Also, I finished a book, had a nice conversation with Francisco, quickly checked in that yes, I do not in fact have an email address yet, found 1 file for 1 professor, had an amazing free breakfast (smoothie, tea, frittata, lox bagel, sweet potato hash browns, strawberry french toast) at an annual start-of-the-semester department meeting, took a long walk, and started a second book. Ahhhhhh.

I took a trip last week by myself, while the housemates were away, and someone asked me if I had been lonely at all. It startled me to hear that question, because the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. Dang. I could be alone for quite a while I think, as long as I know there are people out there who love me or are thinking good thoughts about me. I could be alone so hard it would hurt. But in the good way.

Oh look, almost 5, time to check out of this place for the day. Jade is in town, which means Tequila and a late night for me. Which means it's nap time soon. Have a rockin Wednesday, folks, with either vivacious good people or by yourself, whichever you prefer.

Dawn days

I woke up this morning at 6:30, in preparation for that work thing, and The Cheat was plaintively meowing away. But where? I couldn't find him anywhere. Finally, I remembered that CLODAGH IS IN TOWN! and therefore staying in our basement, and therefore, the cat may have gotten stuck in the basement. Sho nuf, there he was. Bet he was glad I'm in the habit of 6:30am days. Oh no, wait, he's a cat. He probably forgot I had let him out before I had finished letting him out. jerk.

So yeah, for the next 2 or 3 weeks I have a temp admin job at USF. It's pretty cush. I have my own office, internet, and not much to do until they set me up with email and system access. In a few days I'll be glad for some work though, there's only so much interneting I can do before feeling ultra guilty. Everyone here is super nice...maybe because they're all Christians? My supervisor is a nun. Should I feel weird being an agnostic at a Christian college?

Naah. We're all people. And most of the people I grew up with were Christians. I was a weirdo then, I can be one again.

And more importantly, a Clodagh is waiting at home for me! Well, knowing her and Danica, they're definitely not waiting. They're probably already out and about in the shitty SF weather. They got in late last night when I was chillin with the sandman. Oooh, it'll be so cool to come home today. The Ardents are back as well, so it'll be a party and a half. Joe has brought disease back with him from New Zealand though, so maybe it will be a very quiet party. I wonder if I should organize a new friday on C's behalf? Hmmmm, so many things to think about, at this job made of nothing but thinking time.

Heh, I just got a call from another staffing agency. They never got back to me when I followed up with them, so I'm not gonna do them a favor and switch to their temp job. He sounded so sad on the phone. Honestly, I really can't deal with recruiters and staffing agencies right now. It's too complicated, and turns up the worst corporate jobs. To much noise-to-signal. I'm only looking for directly posted jobs now. From small businesses, either healthcare, nature or nonprofit-oriented. Or a flexible part-time position, so that I can do that 2-days-a-week naturopathic thing in the East Bay.

Sucking up the good vibes

Thanks for sending the good vibes, they're helping a lot.

Actually, what also helped to give me some larger perspective was an interview I had at Charlotte Maxwell Complementary Clinic last night. CMCC is a volunteer organization (all the practitioners are volunteers!) that offers alternative and natural therapies to low/no income women with cancer, in conjunction with their mainstream treatment. It is one of the most amazing organizations I've ever seen. I had a group interview with 3 other women (the organization is almost entirely run by women; male volunteers can only do behind-the-scenes work) and it was so touching how honest and emotionally involved they all were. We were there to do great things, which I had forgotten about in the course of my interview run. One of the women was so happy to be there, after decades in the corporate world, that she started crying. We had a Jin shin practitioner, an acupuncturist, a translator (about 40% of the patients don't speak English, being poor immigrants and all), and me, an office support staffer. Over the course of my volunteering, I will be able to learn about mixing herbs as well. This is the first place I've gone to where they're actually interested in furthering my education. And also, where a huge emphasis is placed on making the women feel comfortable, and reassuring them that getting cancer was not their fault.

Hallelujah! Yes. The holistic belief that we can be perfect healthy human beings, if only we try hard enough, drives me nuts. Sometimes environment, socioeconomic factors, and genetics get in the way. We can't all be toxin free enlightened machines.

Anyway, it's not a job, I still need a job and things are still dire, but I had reached a moment yesterday where I no longer believed in what I'm doing, and have been given it back tenfold. I'm not sure what to do next, and am starting to think that maybe starting at the bottom is not the answer, which leaves me with 2 options: 1) go to school sooner. 2) find an administrative position in an advocacy or support agency related to alternative medicine, allowing me to use my super admin skills for something more engaging than a receptionist position.


Hmmmmm.

Last night some of us climbed to the top of a hill in a North Bay park and watched the stars. We woke up at 5:30 am, hungover and content. I slept until 11:30, took a long shower, put on my yukata, and am sitting in a warm summer breeze, gathering up the gumption to cancel this interview at the Applied Kinesiology clinic. Then I will meditate. It's time to take care of my mind for a bit.

I am tired of this job search.

I am really sad right now.

Yesterday was a hard day. I traveled all over the bay area going to interviews. The first 2 were second interviews. The first one, the one which I had pinned a lot of hope on, was at an East Bay naturopathic practice. I met the head ND for the first time, who didn't tell me the same story the office manager had told me a couple weeks earlier. When she then called the office manager in, there were a lot of weird silent eye glances, and I could tell they had a not-completely-open relationship. Also, I couldn't read the doctor at all and felt we might not work well together. She went on about my horoscope for a while. Oh Boy.

And then on to my second interview, with a crazily intense HR consultant and a reticent doctor. There were 5 people in the room interviewing me, which actually didn't bother me at all, and reminded me that I work best in front of crowds because there's always at least one person rooting for me. The HR intense dude was mildly appalled that I didn't have a car and would often be busing to work in the north bay. Alright, fair enough, I have that concern too. It was just strange to hear such a personal concern coming out of a stranger's mouth.

Now onto the third, and weirdest interview. It took place in an Applied Kineseology (AK) clinic. I had just assumed it was a holistic nutrition/chiropractic clinic. It turns out nutrition + chiropractic often = AK. AK is weird, too weird for me. There is absolutely no scientific basis for it, but it pretends there is (as opposed to things like Reiki that don't pretend to be science, and therefore are usually ok in my book). Also, the doctor is intense, mile-a-minute talker. She's fired 3 people in the last 3 months because no one is up to the task for the position. She offers a starting salary of $12/hr, so of course she isn't finding anyone good enough for the task! Arg. I think it would be kind of fun accompanying her into the therapy rooms taking notes (I love that kind of work), but she would probably eventually get on my nerves. Also, a big part of the job is SALES SALES SALES (She repeated the sales mantra at least 3 times), which, let's be honest, is not my favorite activity. So a big ol NO on that.

And now for the saddest news. I followed up with the naturopathic clinic in the city, my dream job that I've been hoping to hear back from, and it turns out they offered the job to someone else. ..................

I have nothing to say about that. I can only cry. This is the absolute worst. I've been working so hard, interviewing my ass off, maintaining enthusiasm, developing my education, battling pseudoscience criticism, trying to find therapies that appeal to my slower, whole mind-body approach to life while at the same time being grounded in scientific basis, and it's just getting me so down. I feel like I'm fighting an unusual and impossible battle. There are tons of conventional medicine skeptics out there, and tons of swallow-whatever-you-show-me true believers, but where are the people like me in the middle? What am I supposed to do? Is this career even possible for me? God, I'm so devastated. I have negative money and I'm so tired. I had mentioned a girls night at my house for thursday, but now I just want to be alone. Even the temp agency isn't returning my calls. That is low.

This is definitely the lowest point of my job search so far. I can't take much more of this.

Stars n stuff

I've gone to campouts the past 2 weekends, which has been a great way to climb down from the job hunt throne and reset. Job hunting can turn into an all-consuming thing, know what I mean?

I thought the fnf campout 2 weeks ago was great because it was a smaller group of people than in years past, and the theme of the weekend was simplify simplify. However, in my opinion it just couldn't compete with the campout this past weekend. Fnf was hectic and huge compared to our low-key, downtempo, 30-some-odd person event in the Tahoe national forest, on a hilltop with a small lake, overlooking 2 more lakes far below. I mean, damn. Camping is supposed to be easy, but I always forget this when I'm part of burningman and other complicated campout ventures. This weekend was FREE, outside of transpo costs, quiet, spacious, and it was easy to find a soft shady spot for my tent because there weren't a gazillion people all crowding around me. I swam naked in the lake, officially breaking my nude-y barrier 2 weekends in a row. The stars, the stars...both weekends they were out in vivid force. We basically had a giant group date last Saturday night, when a dozen of us laid down on the rocks and watched the comets, while our friend played a happy chill set.

Oh, and last night Kris decided it was time to make some steak, crab risotto, spinach, mushrooms and hazelnut chocolate cake...because it was a monday? It's easy to convince her to use her gourmet cooking skills for 6 or 7 hours straight. Shhhh, don't tell her I told you that. Or wait, maybe you should. Then she'll cook for you too. Holy crap it was good. I killed and gutted some crabs, which was just awesome. You don't scare me, shellfish. I know where your pull tab is.

Oh, and also, job stuff seems to be working out. I went on an interview Friday afternoon for my dream job, and the office manager liked me. Then I got another email back from this other possible clinic, the one that likes me but isn't looking to hire anyone for a few months, and the head doctor wants to meet with me. And finally, yesterday I heard back from this holistic women's cancer care volunteer clinic, so it looks like I'll be bagging my dream volunteer job, making it slightly less important that I get a dream paying job, since I'll still be racking up the alternative health experience & making ties with doctors. I mean, I need to get paid somehow, but if my 2 naturopathic leads don't work out, I feel ok about broadening my search. Oh, and tomorrow for lunch I'm meeting with an ND MIT alum. AND my health problem vanished. And the cats are ok. And I did my laundry. And you're starting to feel sick reading about my neutrally stellar life, aren't you.

When things are going well my posts aren't as interesting, but maybe on some small level you feel reassured that there is one more person out there who is being responsible, enjoying life, and not losing their mind. In this world that's a significant reassurance, don't you think?

Aiight, it's been good talking to you. I've got to get back to reviewing organic chem and paying my credit card. Dream big, my friends.