Dump!

Phew, what a week. There's a lot of things going on, mostly not good. But, on the up side of things, I've never been more in love with Francisco. I'm tightly holding onto the Francisco express because it gives me peace and comfort in these times. Ooh, also good, The Daily Show coverage of the inauguration festivities. It's a great feeling seeing the lights back on in Jon Stewart's eyes.

So yeah, the outside world is celebrating and hugging each other and....well, actually I'm getting a lot of hugs too. Joe was showing off his immense powers of observation last night by rotating around hugging those of us who needed it. He was like a spinny ride, but instead of spinning seats he had hugs to distribute. He let me know my powers of observation are only mediocre on the human scale. I was all offended at first but then I thought about it for a while and realized that, yes, when I'm actually paying attention to people and sitting back, I make great observations, but that's not my usual way of being. Most of the time I'm wrapped up in the sticky inside of my head. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, but it makes me sad to think about (rather than wondering what thoughts Joe had to come up with this theory, proving him right yet again! arg.)

I've been busy feeling sorry for myself a lot this week. I know it's my way of communicating (or lack thereof) that causes almost all of my problems, but I'm still too terrified to do anything about it. People are scary! I've been trying to push home some of my points with my boss, but she is so wrapped up in her world view that I need a lot more force behind my hints and asides to get anywhere with her. And then I'm like, but what if she fires me? But I won't be an ass hole, and it's constructive criticism, and it will help her be a decent employer. Still though, scary scary. With similar problems on the home front, I'm feeling the mounting tension of constant suppression and too many 6 day work weeks. Of course I was going to crack sooner or later. The past week I've also been eating poorly and suffering the digestive/mental consequences. And I haven't had a period in at least a month and a half, so I know when it comes out it'll be an explosion of misery (this is not unusual for me, so don't go about thinking I'm pregnant now). Yesterday I had my first nosebleed in 1 or 2 years, so think of me as a sad bloody sponge being wrung out in the middle. A floppy, weak-willed sponge, entering her imaginary saturn's return.

I will be turning 28 on the 28th, that's gotta count for something right?

I just looked at the inauguration photo stream. Nice stuff. Nothing like big problems and goin'ons to drive out all the fluff. I wish I had more energy and time. Then I would sit and think all day. Maybe it should be a friend's job to mention something huge when they notice you falling into a petty funk. A swift reboot. "Hey, I might have cancer," is a good one :)

catching the worm

I woke up this morning at 7:25 and sat in the hot tub. The sun was broken up into little steaming shaft-lets as it passed through the bush and above the steaming water. I've been up for 2.5 hours now, but all the housemates are still upstairs. Joe's coughs sound painful, poor guy. It's such a relief to have a 2 day weekend this week. Yesterday I sat out in dolores park with kiran, nikhila, and some other peeps, wriggling my naked feet and eating figs. Today Francisco has agreed to go on a hike with me, and things are just going great. I feel good. 3 cheers for fish oil and salads!

maybe, just maybe, progress is being made.

I've learned a lot about natural health the past couple months, and about how much better than normal it is possible to feel on a daily basis. I'll take the sporadic paychecks and lack of benefits, if it means having mornings like this. It does make me a little nervous though, thinking about how many of our planet's leaders probably have undiagnosed nutritional deficiencies and neurological imbalances. I want their brains making balanced decisions, not false moods.

Sorry, I don't know how to make jokes when I feel this good. Maybe hippies feel GREEEAAAT all the time, which is why they like the concerned and deep conversations. Bad diet = comedic gold? Is that why so many comedians are overweight?

Hello hello, I've missed you so

Alright, time to blog. I think there's a fulcrum at which blogging occurs. To one side you have a lot of free time, and nothing to say, and on the other side no free time. It's tricky creating a life conducive to blogging. And then there's the self-analysis of, "Is what I am thinking authentic if I put it on the internet? Have I really learned anything if I want to spread it around/if it can be translated into language?

Oh poop. Let's talk about bread. Today I noticed we have ripe avocados and tomatoes in our kitchen. And even bread. But not the right kind. If you're gonna make toast with avocado and sliced tomato. you need some good vogels. Am I right or what? I ended up making it for breakfast anyway, but not without a smidge of dissatisfaction. I should've asked Allen and Sarah to bring vogels!

Hey, they get here on Sunday! I was invited to tahoe this weekend, but then I remembered A) work on Sat morning B) volunteering Sun morning C) Southern friends. Oh well. I should make efforts to see the highland peeps. I don't need to travel to tahoe to see them, they live 5 blocks from my house. It's embarrassing that we haven't met up since I've been back. I should be sleeping on their couch and eating their stir-fry every weekend.

It's hard to get myself into work today. I'm meeting with someone at the end of the day to do quickbooks accounting training, so I really should get in a few hours of entering receipts and invoices, but there are no patients or doctors today, and it's really up to me when I decide to go in. Plus, I just found out yesterday that the girl who "usually" (twice since I've started) works Saturdays and Mondays won't be back for another month, which means lots of 6 day work weeks in my future, which means I'm not enthusiastic about putting in full days if I don't have to. I'll go in at noon. I'll spend the next hour in my bed reading this awesome book Zoe gave me, Shantaram. It's about a guy who escaped from prison, went to India, and opened himself up to whatever comes his way. At first I was like, "wow he meets up with a lot of amazingly nice people," but then I realized that what he sees in his first interactions is all because of how he judges others. He thinks a lot of people are good. I mean, they are good, but he sees it because he thinks it.

See?! This is what I mean about blogging cheapening a thought, it looks terrible in English. I should stick to talking about poop and food.