Day one: Challenge!

Today is day one of my 30 day raw food yoga challenge. I just went to yoga because we have filming tonight. Morning yoga, ugh. Makes it easy to avoid food beforehand but my back had almost no flexibility. Fortunately I didn't give a crap, because I was still waking up. I took it pretty easy. Now time to make a fruit smoothie.

What does one eat all day long, you might ask, when following the raw diet? Actually there are a lot of choices it turns out. I'm focusing on making lots of sauces, spreads, and dressings, so that it's easy to pull something together when I'm feeling lazy. I've got plans to make stuffed mushrooms, live pizza, and sushi with miso soup in the future. Made some sesame milk last night so if I ever get it together enough to make some granola that's a good combo. There's so much controversy surrounding whether rolled or cut oats are raw that I'm tempted to just avoid it (I don't really like the heavy nut-based raw granola). I'm still pretty confused about when to soak nuts and seeds, when to sprout them, and when to just eat them. But I'm home alone with plenty of time for reading.

I'm pretty sure I won't ever completely give up meat and fish, but hopefully this whole thing will get me inspired to cut out all processed crap and focus more on whole foods. I think a 75% vegan raw/ 25% animal products and the occasional cooked meal out sounds ideal, we'll see if I ever get there.

High School Sweet Heart

Was just reading Body Modification Ezine for the first time in a couple years. Realized Shannon Larratt was the first person I read who wrote simple and obvious things clearly and eloquently, in a way that made me feel passionate about a subject I had previously felt only mild interest in. Now all kinds of writers do this to me, which is probably why I've turned into such an activist and philosopher, but back in high school it was certainly a new thing. I feel like getting my tattoo now, wish I could afford it. Have I told you about my tattoo idea? It will be on my arm in that effect where it looks like the skin is being peeled back. People often use this affect to show internal anatomy or perhaps circuitry, like they're a robot, but mine will show fresh produce, dairy, meat... Get it? You Are What You Eat. A reminder to myself mostly, but it's clever as well. I want it to be big, bright, and cartoony. If I'm gonna get a tattoo, go through that pain and expense and permanence, it'd better be good.

Attention ladies: Clodagh and I are leaving the boys behind to attack the Wellington night life on Saturday night. You are welcome to join us (sorry penis bearers, long distance lovers, and cats).

We're having a raw food potluck on Sunday and Brenda told me I should make guacamole or salsa and I'm all like, Sweet! I already know how to make those. No complicated nut butters or dehydrating required. I'm really excited about the Raw Food Challenge for the month of November (in addition to the November yoga challenge). After eating like that and exercizing daily all month I will be HOOOOOOTTTTTT.

The San Francisco crew is having some kickass Halloween celebrations. It's painful to think about. I would like to move my booty and be part of renegade parties and art, but it's much much much harder over here. People are nicer and more relaxed here, but less revolutionary, and behind the times in music. San Francisco is a unique place. Oh well. I have to uphold my internal image of adventuring world traveler and stick it out.

Enough with the self pity already, I'm gonna kick your ass! You're making movies for Christ's sake!!!!!!

Second glance

Entries like the one I just posted earlier today are always the result of awful feelings accumulating for several days. Inevitably after I write such a post I find myself a couple hours later strongly drawn towards various philosopical writings penned by people I feel a strong intimacy with, people who write eloquently about my deepest beliefs. The man who started this blog for me, Charles Eisenstein, is who I returned to today after feeling such terrible self-doubt and fear. It immediately became clear to me that all my self-pity and anger comes from the same place, the thing that says, "You are not good enough." It's strange to find this thought anew again and again, because it's not obvious at all when I'm feeling angry about people and myself, chastizing my incredible laziness and apathy towards a career, my penchant for taking things much much much too personally. Once I've found the lost thought though it's like finding an old friend. Once again I've been banging my poi on the ceiling, blasting the music and hating everyone all week, only to find this incredible relief and desire to change my life and my reality, to really give everything I can to others, after a short crappy blog post and a couple hours of reading articles online. How is it so easy to lose this place? Why do I feel so helpless most of the time, tied tight to a ride I don't remember getting on? Why is it so easy to drastically change reality and then lose that change? Is there progress in all this back-and-forth-age?

Reevaluate

I think it's time for me to reassess some earlier comments I made regarding Nataliedee. I had decided I couldn't ever like this woman. Today I went back to her site for the first time in 2 months and saw this picture:


How could I hate this woman? She's so happy. She looks like my friends.

One might wonder why I keep looking at her stuff and talking about her. I don't really talk about celebrities and other people I don't know here. It's hard to say. We all get obsessed about weird stuff. I'm having stronger obsessions than normal because of all the free time. Ever since I was little I've kind of mentally made fun of people who get really obsessed about a movie, game, or celebrity, because it didn't happen as much to me. I faked it well because otherwise I didn't have much to talk about with the girls I grew up with, but it was never genuine until now.

I've been feeling a little lonely and bitchy the past couple days. I think I need to get out of here before my housemates kill me. It was easier in SF, because my housemates were all messy and crazy. In keeping my shit together better than those around me, I had some sort of mental superiority thing that made me calm and feeling good about myself. This is one of those things I probably shouldn't write about on my blog, but I like to live dangerously. But NOW, my housemates have their lives put together. They are older. They find my most despairing moments funny. I can't keep up with their standards of living. They like spending money and being grown ups, turning the music down and wiping the kitchen counters clean. Suddenly I feel very crazy and young. I miss my messy crazy co-op. I want to glue collages together and clean up the paper scraps (gasp) tomorrow. I definitely want to punch some walls. Oh the rage, the self-doubt, the rage! It's time for some good old-fashioned chaos, in the true spirit of Halloween.

We're beginning filming tonight for our short film. I found out that as main supporting actress I will need to drive a car at one point during the movie. I am absolutely terrified. You must do the thing you think you cannot do, right? Why is skydiving less terrifying to me than driving? Strange and ridiculous shit right here. Hopefully we'll have more fun than stress doing this. Operations have been lagging and no one really knows what's going on. We only kind of have a script. It's a lot easier doing all the work yourself, it turns out. If you really believe in your idea that is.

Considering the long list of things that terrify me, it's amazing I'm not an alcoholic. I had strange dreams last night about addiction and homework. The drugs I injested don't exist in this world but in fading memories they were wonderful. Sparkling oblivion.

Travel plans

It is much too beautiful outside to post and indeed has been for a few days now, but for your enjoyment, my travel plans this holiday season:

12/15-12/19 - Seattle
12/19-12/28 - New York
12/28-1/3 (end date not definite) - San Francisco

There better be some good New Year's stuff going down in San Francisco. Francisco and I will be there to witness it. Figured I'd start preparing you for it now.

Oh yeah, also, today is my and Francisco's one year anniversary. We will be eating delicious things tonight to celebrate our continued compliance/sexiness.

Earth

Saw Inconvenient Truth (Al Gore documentary about global warming) just now. How do I keep forgetting over and over again the things I need to be doing? I talk and I sit and I leisure. I despair, I party, I forget. I was feeling kinda apathetic about going and being a consumer and watching a movie. But it's $9 Tuesday and my digestive ailments had all but faded after our drive up north to Castle Point and NZ wine country, so I kicked myself out of the door.

Al Gore is a man who thinks and learns continually. He goes places and listens, talks to people, considers large issues, CARES. I'm awarding him my first honorary SuperStudent TM Title. To think we were so close to having these great qualities in a president. It's painful still. I am angry at all of his political advisors that had him hide his humanity to appear more moderate. I wasn't that into him in 2000 but voted for similar reasons many others did, that he was the best choice, that we didn't need a Christian-based military agenda, dadeedadeeda. So the real question is, would he have made more of an environmental impact in office, trying to placate the myriad agendas, than he has with this movie? Is media more powerful than government?

I didn't realize the debate over whether global warming has long-reaching consequences for all life and is man made was a, well, man made debate. It never existed. 928 research papers on global warming over the years, and they all agree that it exists and is man made.

It's all been said before, and a blog can't convey the tears running down my face right now. There is no power in these words. But Gore reminded me that there is still power here. Better to open 10 people's eyes and profoundly change their perception than to half-assedly affect thousands. Everything is connected and the web will grow.

So over and over and over I re-remember what is taking place here and what I have to do. Each time I get closer to action. Let's close the gap and run. Oh, and watch this movie if you haven't. It's him doing a fucking slide show and it's still great. Or read a book if you're more into that format. Don't not go just because I sound cheesy and may or may not have compared Gore to Captain Picard earlier today.

Put out the rubbish bins

I like to throw things away. I've been thinking today about all the friends I've left behind along the way. I don't particularly regret it, the friends I have now are better, but it certainly is a thing I do, a thing I hold in a dirty place. Things feel stale and useless if I've neglected them for too long so I just discard them. And not just friends. I had this one friend named Jessica, who developed cancer in high school. She got better, she was ok. Then it came back and she lost her eye, along with her hair again. Worse and worse. At one point I thought to myself that her body was now too messed up, garbage, better to be thrown away. Clean up, start again, empty the fridge, turn off the computer or buy a new one. What, there's mold in the apartment? Don't call the landlord, let's just move out. Easy. I like explosions too, in part because a mess is getting cleaned up and thrown away.

Explosions are great because they shake things up. 9/11 was exhilarating to watch. "Maybe now they'll pay attention," I thought. Things didn't work out that way, unfortunately, they just got worse. And the wish for the world to get shaken up is becoming weaker as I get older. Chaos! Anarchy! Wake up people! I'm starting to think most people are awake, they just like different things than I do. Maybe they don't WANT to be rescued. Maybe I should stop thinking about what THEY are doing and think more about what I am doing. So that's what I'm doing. I'm being quiet and thinking about my body, my mind. Set your mind right, then your family, then your community. That will change the world in its own way. Am I growing soft? Will I now be less prepared for the apocalypse? Does the world indeed desperately need a planetary-sized shoe kick to the head or are things the way they always were and continue on in a slow moving larger pattern with nary a ripple in the grand scheme of things? I am caught between two opposing desires. One feels raw and angry and young, the other feels old and quiet. Which is right? Does age equal a growth in wisdom or simply a different perspective? Perhaps the opposing responses are more strongly related to energy than wisdom, and both are "right."

I can hear some neighbors having a party. Let's sing and jump on the bed cats. Ooh, I haven't listened to this CD in ages. I wish you could see my ab muscles right now, I HAVE AB MUSCLES.

I'm finally all caught up on the local gossip. I don't care what you say, some gossip is great. It let's me learn more about the people around me, see that they are doing ridiculous things too. Trust me, we're closer now.

Right?

Guys?


.....

Kate?????

My sister keeps writing on her blog about nausea and apathy. God Damn the internet for allowing me to know both too much and too little about other people's lives! And Dog Damn blogs for their warped life perspectives. KATE! I am coming to visit you in December. I haven't bought my tickets home yet, so I'm gonna come to Seattle before I go to NY, it's not very much more money. OK! You will agree, there is no fighting it.

Francisco is gone this week, he just flew out. He's the Man of Honor at his high school friend Angie's wedding in LA. He is the nicest human being on the planet, have I ever mentioned that to the blog world before? How does a person get that nice anyway? Thank you up there for causing most women to go for the bad boys, so that girls like me get to snatch up the nice ones and cry a little less often. Also, thanks to all of his childhood friends for not punching him in the face even when you really wanted to so that he would grow up so nice. Thanks Angie! Have a great wedding. Your fiance doesn't look like a loser, hopefully your husband won't either. A little straight-laced for my tastes, but whaddya gonna do. I'm all about the nice boys who also don't mind breaking the law and societal standards. A winning combination, strawberries and chocolate, a fireplace and a book, a hat and a grassy knoll.

I'm getting carried away here. All I wanted to do was shout out to my sister and now look where I've gone. The weather is crazy outside, the wind was up to 50 mph today and the wind measurement device in town was almost horizontal.

Yay, my housemates are finally home, I can stop talking to myself and watching movies like Spanglish! God that movie sucked.

Love!

The last 2 episodes of Achewood are freaking my shit out! They're so weird and vaguely nauseating but also appealing. Like the Cartiledge Head bit only more so. Read em! Start with September 21st for storyline.

Also:
I love you I love you I love you I love you. Love!

Did not dissapoint.

The party was fantastic. I was feeling apprehensive about it all day before, because I had gotten it into my head that I was trapped by the dominating social group here, and also that my relationship was falling apart. The Horvath's spectacular music swooped in and tore that all right out. Sweat was pouring off my face and I saw some splatter across the lasers nicely. 90% of the people came dressed up, perhaps not entirely in keeping with the theme, but hey, a costume's a costume. Francisco took some great pictures so I'm just gonna steal them and stick them here:
{insert later}

Beth forwarded our Burningman list a story about the people who designed the largest and greatest Burningman art project this year, the Waffle. Apparently it was funded and conceived of by 2 people in charge of companies, and constructed by a mix of their factory workers and designer/artists all working together. One of them founded a radiator company, because he bases his life decisions on the thought, What makes people happy? and feels that heat makes people happy. Funny business model huh? What kind of company would I make if that were my primary objective:

- Good food that tastes good now and leaves you feeling good later,
- Taking care of kids, and using those kids to build ridiculously awesome projects that they feel good about,
- Movies
- Massages
- Swimming pools
- Sturdy, simple, beautiful teapots
- Music
- Parties
- Free information
- Parks
- Mystery and adventure (seriously, I came across this website for a secret club and it got my heart racing like I was 11. No, you can't have the address, it's secret!)

I am eating kumara for breakfast again. It is fried and sweet. It does not leave me feeling good later.