Maybe I'm getting sick. Why does it take disease to remind me of basic things? We had a good Halloween, I ate gallons of crap and admired babies. I baked cookies with the most amazing butter icing (2/3c butter, 4c confectioners sugar, 2 T milk, all creamed together until your arm is gonna fall off, then mix in colorings and flavorings)and was eating those all day at work, and then we went to Kevin and Leslie's where Leslie had made mountains more goodies, and then Brenda and Clodagh showed up carrying homemade chocolate covered pretzels and strawberries. Holy crap, those are like 2 of my favorite desserts ever. Especially when the chocolate is good, which it was. Francisco drove me home and I had a cigarette of his to blow out the excess sugar from my system. I haven't had a cigarette in a long time, maybe that's what pushed my body over the edge. Today my throat is gravelly, my body feels low energy, I couldn't go back to sleep this morning, and I SO do not want to be here this morning. Maybe I'll go home early, there isn't much work other than the usual backlog to do today. I can feel crystals of crap built up in my joints and around my eyes. My lymph nodes are sluggishly processing away. My body doesn't have enough memory to process this, I'll have to shut down a few applications, get back to basics. Sit in bed reading or writing, maybe go to a movie. I wish I had a bathtub. Maybe I'll go to the gym and not work out, just hang out in the steam room or sauna. I've got dance rehearsal tonight, hope I can manage it. We have a performance this weekend! 9:30 on Sunday at Happy. They're having a day of the dead festival, not sure exactly how African dance fits into that theme.

I am ridiculously excited about teaching tap dance to Brenda. The more I think about it, the more I remember. It would be good if I could find a place with a balance bar, that was very useful for learning good control over steps, and she's 8 months pregnant and a bit wobbly as it is I bet. For now we're gonna go over some stuff at Marine Manor this weekend. I'm trying to remember all the basic steps, like shuffle ball change, shuffle hop step, brush forward and backward steps, the basic time step....The stuff from tap that usually comes to mind is more complicated stuff like cramp rolls and whatever those various types of traveling pull backs are called. Or that step where you brush both legs out and then back in while swooping your arms around in a big circle. I always liked those. I'll call them tap jumping jacks. Ooh ooh, what was that turning step where you end pointing one toe? Guess I'm gonna have to make up some names if I actually want to be a teacher. It was always funny teaching English and finding out what the actual grammatical terms are for various concepts we normally don't give one thought to. Teaching is fun because it forces you to REALLY know something first. You can't pretend with teaching. I might say I know basic mechanical physics, but I bet I don't know it well enough to teach it. Maybe college should force students to become teachers more often instead of administering tests. Non-stop presentations or small group work. I guess those ideas are out there already, but it unfortunately wasn't my education experience. I wish I could go through school now at 26. Force people to go do boring work for several years before starting college. THEN they'd pay attention. Office admin work wouldn't be so bad if we all had to do it, and it only lasted 5 years or so.

Mating Game

I've been thinking about the lists of my ideal partner, as per the Kris methodology. Here goes:

ABSOLUTE REQUIREMENTS
A male who likes sex/is sexually appealing to me
Cares/passionate about life, people, the planet
Shares my sense of humor (and frequently)
Would enjoy having children
Brings out the best in me, makes me want to be a better person

WOULD BE NICE
Shares many interests with me (I would really like to move this one to requirements but Kris caps it at 3-5, gotta follow the rules)
Flexible/adaptable in idealogy and general way of living
Way of life already includes being environmentally friendly and accumulating minimal crap
Has an active healthy lifestyle
Cleans (body/house/mind) regularly

MORE "WOULD BE NICE" (sorry Kris)
Good dancer, singer, performer, or musician
Good at communicating
Likes experimenting with different kinds of sex (frequently), and enjoys being dominant/aggressive at least occasionally

ABSOLUTELY CANNOT BE
Addicted to drugs
Bad smelling
Preachy/arrogant about politics/ethics/whatever
Significantly less intelligent/more innocent than me
Mentally ill


Will edit this as I change my mind about things....

I got into a good groove this weekend. Not too much excess, but still lots of chilling out with my friends. I got reevaluated at the gym on Saturday. This time my weight was 71.8 kg, bp 115/85, body fat 33%.

Alright, what is that bullshit? I'm gonna have to go through the blog archives and double check, but I believe my weight went down by .8 kg and my body fat went UP. Those scales must be really inaccurate. The weight I'm not surprised by, since I'm switching over to muscle, but the body fat should definitely have gone down. The proof is plain to see.

It's a little depressing thinking about this too much, I gotta keep reminding myself how much energy and good feelings I have these days, how easy it is for me to jump up and try something with almost no motivation negotiation required. For example I learned how to Charleston this weekend with Ken and Jeanne. That was so awesome, I think dance from the jazzy earlier parts of the 20th century is my favorite. I grew up with Shirley Temple, Singing in the Rain, and all that tap dancing musical stuff, and it's just stuck with me. Tap always came really easily to me (unlike ballet or hip hop, bleh!) and it looks like the Charleston is in my feet already as well. There's this one move, the traveling Charleston, where you kick forwards and then slide back on the other foot (or you would if you were wearing proper shoes instead of sneakers like I was). I kept seeing Donald O'Connor with his rubber tap tappy legs doing the same move, and tried to do it the way I thought he would. I like making my legs as bendy as possible, while my upper body is in complete control. It's fun isolating parts of the body, although I don't really know how to do the reverse, my shoulders end up looking awkward. They're so big already (thanks a lot Speed family genes), any exaggerated motion looks retarded.

It would be really fun to wear my tap shoes and start doing the Charleston, slipping in some extra tappiness here and there, like a cramp roll on the last beat, or a brush tap replacing the toe taps. Something that sounds complicated and looks simple. I miss the old dancing days (not the people though, they were those foul middle class superficial Long Islanders people who are not from LI think everyone there is like), there's never an opportunity to use that knowledge, and I'm afraid joining a tap class would be way too easy. I'm more interested in a freestyle club where we throw wild dance parties for people with skillz or put on shows.

Trimethylxanthine

Whoooosh goes the caffeine.

Chugging along chugging along, whoa! Hey, hello there! Yes I am fine are you fine we are both fine isn't that nice run run gotta go lovely seeing you lateeerrrrrrr.

pant pant. Who invited caffeine to this party anyway? He makes me write stupid things to my ex.

Tuesday my whole office is out again, wanna get lunch? I probably won't have time to go all the way to California, but Newtown's a possibility.

African dance is so fun, we had another rehearsal last night. Thursdays used to be a big drinking night so this is a really good change. I feel better already, although Peter still manhandled me into getting 1 shot of Sambuca with him last night. Seriously, I reached around to hug him goodbye and he painfully clamped my arm in place until I agreed to his demands. But 1 drink isn't enough to do anything to me, at least not these days :) There was some neat live electro going on at Good Luck bar but I was so sweaty and tired from dancing I couldn't really concentrate. I went home and took the best shower of my life. I think I had forgotten to shower for 3 days. Usually my flat hair reminds me to shower every other day, and I get other days of showering in at the gym, but this week there was not much gyming, and I had my hair cut yesterday so it was looking fabulous and clean even as my body accumulated more layers of "sun protection." I love taking showers, but I also love NOT taking showers. And the NOT taking enhances the taking, there's really some perfect balance occurring right around showering every other day. I believe Joe has similar opinions on showering as I, although his hair really shows its lack of soapage, whereas mine hides it more, so maybe my lifestyle is more of a SEKRIT. Shhh, don't tell anyone VANESSA SPEED DOESN'T SHOWER EVERY DAY.

Just like a self-breast exam

Man I sure was in a bad mood yesterday. The first in a long time though. I was just irritated by everything at work; how my coworker clears her throat constantly, people standing by the copy machine while I was printing and moving my papers around...And then later at Local Yokels, someone said something seemingly innocuous that really upset me and I just couldn't shake it. Even jumping up and dancing to the Irish music with the ladies and this one old Irish dude didn't help. Nothing that happened yesterday was even that big a deal, I was being completely and consciously irrational. At least I notice when I'm in that mood these days and try to moderate it. I promised myself I wouldn't drink for the next week (whilst staring myself down in the mirror inside the elevator to my apartment, all serious and intense). Clodagh has the right idea about holding off on drinking for a while.

I woke up this morning from a balloon nightmare (yup, those things filled with helium), feeling only a fraction better. I was gearing up for another bad day on my walk to work this morning, when I noticed myself going through the emotional process on a ridiculously minute scale. "This is where I am at this moment, oh and watch how I deal with that, hmmm, that's interesting, my heart rate changes as I consider that comment that made me so sad, maybe if I walk up this hill faster...oh yeah, that seems to work a little by making it seem like my heart rate is increasing for purely physical reasons, maybe I'll think of someone neutral now, like Pete, oh he said that funny thing last night about asking for nachos with tons of meat and little flavor, lol!" I actually grew excited during my walk about getting over my bad day. I've had LOTS of bad days, and this is the first one where I've ever experienced such a fascination with the whole recovery process. I started off the day feeling like Natalie, with rage and frustration sweeping my body uncontrollably, but now, 2 hours into it, I'm in complete control. I can't believe this is happening. So then I vowed I would seize the day and make my job more interesting, and that working really slowly only makes things worse, even if it seems like it should be better because I'm earning money for nothing. The things I thought made me happy because I was "winning" (for example when someone bought me something I won because I got it for free) were so wrong, so I'm gonna carefully analyze my behavior and correct those bad choices. Sure, I'll be a winner, but not because of some arbitrary winning scale society made up based on more money for less work. I want to win in the life satisfaction scale, which, it turns out, doesn't necessarily even mean winning in the happiness scale. What I went through this morning was fascinating, and reminded me that happiness does not equal satisfaction! Challenge, contrast, interesting problems, and a full engagement in life seem to have greater effect.

I think I probably also need to be more conscious about spending too much time with certain people, because they tend to for whatever reason distract me from the truth. This person I'm talking about from last night has a lot of issues of his own, I should just let him work that shit out and deal with my own and not get too involved or dependent on him or anyone else right now. I have to maintain this freedom. It's interesting and different, and there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Health news

Blood clot costs two lives
By IAN STEWARD - The Press | Wednesday, 24 October 2007
A Canterbury community is in mourning after a "tragic and freak" accident claimed the life of a woman and the baby son she was breastfeeding.
Irene Skurr, 36, died from a blood clot entering her lung while she was feeding her 10-month-old son, Cameron McDrury, on Monday morning.
Police said it appeared Skurr had collapsed onto her son, causing his death by smothering and suffocating him.

Hahahaha! The rest of the article is all too long and sensitive, but this...this is just too good. They note she was a vocal supporter of breastfeeding too, and that she had even appeared in media advocating it.

Labor Not

On a bulletin board on the way to work: "Brandon's Lawyers: Our business is LEGAL."

Yeah, I should hope so guys, you're fucking lawyers. I don't really think you need to advertise the legality of your business in 500 point font.

Also on the way to work, as I walked past these 2 guys, one of them said, "Now that's what I'm looking for." I know they weren't ACTUALLY talking about me, but wouldn't it be nice if every time you passed the other gender they were like, " THAT'S what I'm talking about." Like the second dude was arguing that women as fabulous as you don't even exist, and the first guys was so relieved you were proving him right just by existing and walking by.

Those 3 days off were perfect, I'm actually pleased to be working at the moment (well, not this precise moment but you know what I mean). Paraparaumu Beach was gorgeous, covered in interesting drifwood to sit on and 50 metres or so of fine white sand from shore to dunes. Wellington doesn't really have the space for beaches that size.

Also this weekend I spun fire for the first time, Allen took pics, I'll put one up when I get a chance.

Colors

Is it weird that I get a giddy thrill each time I brush my teeth, simply because I just bought a red and white striped toothbrush that perfectly matches my tube of Colgate?
Color matching is underrated. I remember when me and Francisco would go out in San Francisco, in similar red jackets, and it felt good. I think at one point before we were dating some girl on Haight gave us a disgusted, "You guys are too cute," look. I dug it.

Things continue to be good. I feel a little guilty because he found out about my indiscretion a couple weeks ago, but he'll get over it.

I cooked all day yesterday. I think I've gained 3 lbs this weekend. But it was worth it. I had this chicken carcass left over from the Allen/Jeanne chicken recipe so I just dumped it in a pot of water and boiled the shit out of it. The broth was fatty, creamy, with a hint of thyme. I barely had to add any salt to the soup because of the amount of salt still on that chicken. Then I used some leftover chicken fat to fry up carrots, parsnips, leek, onion, and potato. Finally I made some matzo balls and threw those in there too (doing it the proper way this time, keeping that lid closed to make then big and fluffy.) As long as I dont get sick of this soup, I've got food for the rest of the week. Then I made some coconut bread, again from Allen, using whole grain flour instead of white (which actually seemed to be an improvement, it was super fluffy and had more of a bran muffin appeal). Finally I made tons of pesto, so I can just boil up some noodles and fry some shrimp and have a sweet as meal. C'mon Wellington, bring your shit weather on, I dare you. I've got books and food bitch, you can't get me!

No, seriously, the weather was incredible yesterday. After weeks of wind and rain it was hot hot hot, the sky all looking extra big and flat. I wish it had continued onto today, because it's labor day, woo! After I'm done interneting I'm heading over to the railroad station and hopping onto a train to...somewhere. I have some snacks and a book, and I just want to hang out in the middle of a town up north. I'm most excited about the train ride part though. If the trains really aren't running due to the holiday, I think I'll just keep walking until I hit the botanic gardens. If only it was nicer out....

Oh yeah, I also bought a shitty cd player yesterday, so I can listen to my music again, finally. It makes a huge difference to my quality of life. The new Warehouse just opened in town so I headed there yesterday after gyming and got workout clothes as well as the boombox. It's right next door to the gym, which might cause me some problems in the future, but I keep reminding myself of what all that plastic crap I'm buying is gonna look like piled in landfills.

Dim Sum World

I feel ravenously good this morning. I could eat the whole world. Why is beyond me, as last night was yet ANOTHER night out. What the hell Vanessa. You should be home cleaning the kitchen.

Naahh.

I've got this muscle-y back right now. I've always admired good backs, and now I have one of them! Thank god I'm not 18 with bacne anymore. Anyone need a back model?

I still feel bad about things, but hopefully we'll be having a good lunch today and talk things over. Peter counseled me last night to just create some space for him, maybe not go out to things if he's excited about something and I could take it or leave it. I was thinking along those lines yesterday, and Peter pushed me over the edge not to go to yokels. I've gotta do something for Peter, he's a neat guy. Maybe cook dinner for movie night or something....

Oh no, I'm just remembering those drunk texts I sent to the guys after I went home and they continued their night out at the strip club. Why didn't I save those texts so I could look at them this morning!? Well, no harm done. It's kinda funny getting texts from someone while at the same time they are admiring boobs.

I apologize that I haven't had anything meaningful to say lately. My life has been too full for contemplation. Normally at this point I start feeling a little panicky about the lack of reflection, but something new and different is happening. It's good not to be so controlling on my psyche, I think. It feels like that annoying overlord accounting for all my mistakes and lists and worrying about the future is gone. No one's keeping track, who's driving this train? I guess there is no train. I'm glad my mom understands why I'm not all pumped up and applying to schools right now. She was laying the pressure on me because it gets harder to go back to school the longer you wait, but it feels like it would be easier and easier to be a student right now, just because I'd find it more interesting and special. I'm not too worried about my brain getting out of shape. It's a good brain I have, I'm very proud of it. I've always felt a little bit smarter than both my parents, which is shocking to admit, but probably means (if I'm right) that they raised me in a very learning-friendly environment, at least compared to their childhoods, because I am definitely my parents' biological child, so the genetics explanation is out. Learning is a different thing from other forms of physical development, science seems to show that environment is the major factor, whereas your appearance or motor skills are more gene-based.
Alright alright, no duh Vanessa. I think it's time for morning tea, yay!

A Lumpy Heart

So much for a slowed down lifestyle. I wasn't even going to GO out last night. I was feeling real good after African dance though, and decided to use up the last of our free bar tab (won from a quiz night due to the fine mental skillz of Mr Benjamin). Then Ben, Clodagh and I were still in a partying mood when everyone split up at 10:30, so we went back to Clo's and danced and drank and ate chocolate. We all ended up sleeping there. Somehow I won the rights to all of Clodagh's bed, while the 2 of them crashed in the living room. I'm certainly not complaining.

I had a low moment though. Francisco dropped us all off at the "supi" (someone called the supermarket that last week and I just about punched them) and C was trying to convince him to come out with us. I could just tell he wasn't going to budge, he sounded a little weird, so I said my goodbyes and jumped out of the car. C was upset with me for telling him not to go out and I started feeling really bad about the whole thing. It didn't feel like I had done anything rude, but I was a little drunk, so not sure exactly what I sounded like. I was about ready right then and there to just walk home and forget the whole partying thing. Instead I decided to call him, and I'm so glad I did. Sometimes I forget that things will occasionally be strange. We're going to have a lunch date as a nice little release, I keep seeing him in big group settings and there is a backlog of private things to talk about. He seems to be taking this a little worse than me, which is probably the strangest feeling of all.

:(


I'm just realizing talking to C last night was the first time since the first couple weeks of the break up that I've really talked about things with anyone. I don't feel like I'm bottling things up, but there's something off here. It felt really good to talk. I'm both close and far with so many people right now, the more I talk to Francisco, the more I realize just how much better he knows me than anyone else out there. Outside of family of course.

Man, I sure feel weird today. This is one of those entries I probably shouldn't even post, but I'm going to anyway, because if I start drawing the line here, where do I stop? I have a faint line in erasable pen at sexually explicit stuff and racism, but those pens are pretty crappy.

The slow train

Oh boy. Mondays. Chug chug chug.

I really love rabbitblog, she gives the most useful advice to 20-somethings. It doesn't hurt so much to hear the truth when it's coming from such clever far-away origins. I'd probably be upset if my friends said the same thing, but I'd pretend I wasn't because that's what you do when you hear advice from the elderly (ha!).

Writing "20 somethings" meant I had to lump myself in with 20-22 year olds, which was a little painful. Sometimes I just have to accept the fact that I'm not so far forward and advanced beyond them. It was only a few years ago, but feels impossibly far away. Thank you thank you whatever causes out there there may be that lead to the effect of me being alive beyond those angsty depression years. Progress only happens when you're alive. It's good to keep experiencing progress. I'm really glad to be 26. I hope this upward trend continues for a long time, and that the dips get more interesting.

It was a good weekend, a little more low key than recent ones. I feel settled again, and ready to do activities other than going out partying and forgetting everything else. It's a good time to start remembering and thinking again. My brain is a little hungry. I mean, other parts of me still are too, but they're not everything anymore :) My boss is giving me a raise for my skillz, so all is good money-wise here too.

Hangover and under, listen, bowel thunder

You know that percolator sound you can make when you're groaning a little bit in the back of your throat?


Oh, you thought I was going somewhere with that, didn't you. Sorry, this is a morning of disappointments and vague fuzzy hangovers. Lisa my co-worker says the best cure is to just plow through it and continue partying all weekend. By Sunday I should be about ready to return to work, she says. At the moment I'm a bit lost though, blindly reaching out for my keyboard, and pressing on it in the style of a monkey that hasn't yet shelled out the bucks for some typing lessons.

What's new what's new. Went out for the 2nd Thursday in a row last night with Hovig, Peter, Reza and a couple Japanese peeps. Me and Reza did our not-quite-salsa-dancing again. The real highlight of the evening happened earlier however. I was meeting the guys at Kazu when all of a sudden Brenda, the other Sarah W, Gosha and Chiara come in for some lady time and sit at the table next to us. Alright, that's cool that's cool, I'm digging it. Half an hour later and COMPLETELY INDEPENDENTLY, in walks Joe, Kris, Sarah the original and Allen, and sit at the other table next to us. Am I losing my mind here?!?! My friends were filling up the whole restaurant. I naturally started milling around from table to table, so Peter started giving me a hard time about being a traitor to our table, and pretending they had all finished the food while I was gone. Heh. That was great. What a tiny town this is. I'm glad we all have similarly awesome taste in restaurants.

I've got to purify my system tonight though, I'm having some digestive issues this morning (I'm sure you know the kind). Then I'll be all set for my Saturday morning at Marine Manor. We're turning it into a real tradition. I arrive with pastries, call my family, and then we watch some TV. Kid Nation and Heroes are on the agenda right now, but maybe we'll just keep adding stuff until it becomes my all-day-Saturday slam fest. Tuesday nights at Allen's are rotating every fortnight between Weeds/Flight of the Conchords (my thing) and Grey's Anatomy (gay, not my thing). We have a good rhythm going with the TV here. I can't really watch anything but the news at home, so the level of quality in my tv viewing has really sky-rocketed since I moved out of the manor. I used to watch crap like Sunset Tan and "My boy is retarded let's make an hour long documentary about him on the Documentary Channel." This situation is better, although I miss my plastic surgery shows a teensy bit. If only the gym stayed open until midnight, I could work out while watching them at the same time. Sometimes I try and time my gym visits to coincide with better TV. It's the logical thing to do.

Buff your brain

Happy Mental Health Awareness Day! I personally think Thanksgiving is the ultimate mental health day. What better way to raise your spirits than to pump your body full of tryptophan and lay on the couch with all your friends and family? But I guess we can always use a backup day, especially for people who don't do Thanksgiving (poor bastards). My sister Zoe gets 2 of them because she's an American in Canada. Maybe a kiwi should steal one of those off of her. C'mon Zoe, you won't mind right?

In honor of today, do something like:

Play with your kids.

Rub someone's back or feet.

Do something extra special with your hair or teeth.

Eat some fruit (maybe in a sexy way?).

Take a bath.

Talk about a book or movie you love with someone trying to find something to watch or read.

Wear a bright color that makes you feel good, just a scarf or handkerchief if that's all you can muster.

Hold a stretch you love for a minute.

Dance around inside your shoes at work.

Call your parents.

Buy someone flowers or a cute pen or an eraser that smells nice.

Sign up for a new dance/art/philosophy class you've been thinking about trying.

Sit still and alone for 10 minutes. Don't try not to think, but don't force yourself to accomplish anything.

Find a park bench you've never sat on before. Try it out, maybe it's a power spot for you.

Call me and tell me why you think you're great, I love that shit. I can throw in enthusiastic comments if you need it.

If you don't feel like doing any of that and just wanna lay in bed all day, that's ok, John Lennon did it for a week for world peace. Maybe you can do that too. If lying in bed becomes a mission, you are guilt free!

If you don't even wanna do that, call me up and say, "Fuck You Vanessa!" Get in your bare minimum of human contact.

Fish are nice, they lower blood pressure. If you're lonely and commitment-phobic, why not a fish? Maybe not a large fish and a small fish, I've heard that can be disastrous :)

Love,
Vanessa

Back to back meetings

I think I've injured my back. It started with the dancing over the weekend, and yesterday's 2 hour marathon gym session only exacerbated the problem. It's the lower right section. Am I supposed to gently stretch when this happens or try not to move at all or continue with business as usual, perhaps skipping excessive activity? It doesn't feel like much of anything but then all of a sudden I'll get a sharp spasm while walking around. I kind of want to assume the tai chi pose, tucking my pelvis under, it feels much better that way. Too bad you can't walk in that position. I remember when I took tai chi in SF, I'd stand on the bus, in lines, waiting for the BART, etc in that pose. People gave me weird looks, but it felt good. Looks like you're crapping while standing. I guess I'll just be careful for a few days. I have back paranoia, I've known several people under 40 with major, probably lifelong, multiple surgery back problems. That's actually one of the main reasons I'm going to the gym, to strengthen my back. I have this idea that if the muscles are gradually and carefully strengthened over time, it will prevent overexertion injuries a little better. Who knows. Doesn't really work if the overexertion is coming from the gym in the first place though, heh.


Do managers ever feel guilty that they're in meetings all day and not actually doing any of the real labor? I know meetings are necessary, and can improve efficiency enough to overcompensate for the lack of work you personally are doing, but don't you ever feel just a teensy bit guilty, managers? And why so many?

Relaxed dress code induces relaxed standards

Wow, that pajama party was CRAZY. Something about that house gives me ridiculous amounts of energy. I was a dance maniac and at the end of the evening(aka sunrise) I vaguely remember doing yoga moves and backrolls across the floor. I ended up spending the night (hmmmmm....) and woke up in the morning in a bed with a guy and a girl. Yeah, um, right. Good times. I spent a lot of the evening with all my new friends, especially since almost no one from the core old group was there (with the exceptions of Francisco and Clodagh). I seem to gradually be transitioning towards people who drink and party more. Maybe it's just a phase until I feel normal again. I don't really want to feel normal again though, this is so much fun. People don't scare me anymore, I feel sexy, the world is my playground and all that. I had a few minutes of sadness, but then Francisco found me and I had a nice talk with him and felt alright again. I almost feel closer now to him than I did when we were dating, because we consider our words very carefully now, and every conversation has an extra vitality, like it is performing an extremely necessary function. Does that make sense? I think I'll always love him on some level, they don't make people like that very often. Sarah (The other Sarah W) recently broke up with her partner, and told me she thought of me this week because she was sitting on her couch crying about how her ex didn't invite her to some get together he was having, and then she thought, "Vanessa wouldn't be crying on the couch." She said she couldn't ever imagine me like that because I'm so strong. It's an honor to be thought of that way, really, but I'm definitely not that strong. I seem to be superhuman about this break-up for some reason, but in past breakups I was a lot sadder, maybe because they involved another woman, as her present break-up does. Whenever there's someone else involved with your ex during or shortly after the split it sucks, I don't care how strong you are.

Sunday morning Hovig picked some of us up from the party after we'd managed to squeeze in 3 hours of sleep (I definitely wasn't the only one spending the night) and we all went out to Sweet Mother's for delicious breakfast burritos. The Ardents and Francisco showed up halfway through and drove me home, where I slept the afternoon away, achieving consciousness around 6pm in time for a healthy dinner, cleaned and organized all my stuff I hadn't gotten around to unpacking, spent at least an hour moisturizing and stretching and all that stuff I do when I actually pay attention to my body, and went to bed having exciting and sexy thoughts. What a great weekend.

Here's a pic on our way to Sweet Mothers:


Business as usual doesn't seem so bad today. After this morning I now know everything about Word Mail Merge, so please let me know if you have any questions :)

My socks are still on, Wellington

It's been a good and crazy week. I've gone out every night! Last night I went to another comedy show (some ha, some ho hum), then drinks and dancing. Reza spun me around and around in an attempt to practice some partner dancing, it was funny, he was like, I don't know what we're doing anymore, it's not salsa though. I might take salsa classes with him and hovig and others. It's the age of dancing here in windy windy Wellington. Kris is taking a secret dance class, almost everyone is taking swing, some of us ladies are doing the african, and now salsa is beginning next week. I really love dancing.

Running 3 hours short of ideal sleeping conditions here. I'm gonna crash in 2 hours when I get home. The gang all came into town and we took an extra long lunch break at Leuven. I had a huge roast lamb pie, fries with mayo and a Leffe Brune, which are loafing around in my stomach whispering to me that it's definitely definitely nap time right now. I want to go home and read the new Haruki Murakami book I shelled out $5 for in order to skip the reserve cue at the library, and fall asleep under it in my comfy bed (I've finally figured out what size that bed is, it's called a King Single? I destroyed a pair of Twin sheets to figure that one out. It's really the perfect size for one adult, but definitely not two). Yum. And get woken up by a fun phone call, maybe from Clodagh telling me it's time for some salsa if I can bear to drag my ass 3 blocks down the road. Maybe Clodagh, maybe. I'm still a tiny bit hungover from last night, maybe tonight should be my night off. And then I can wake up super early tomorrow and bring baked goods out to Marine Manor and make my long distance phone calls. I feel like talking to Dad, and friends in San Francisco. I feel like talking to everyone, or just listening. I want to absorb your lives into my brain and think about them, and feel warm about you. All of you. Even the guy in Records.

It's chocka!

There's this thing. It's called a chocolate fondant. Bordeaux bakery sells it. Maybe if Bordeaux were 2 miles away, life would be in balance, but life is out of balance and it's 2 blocks away. Life consists of a beautiful pyramid of perfectly molded, in the shape of hard Japanese puddings, chocolate fondants. Hundreds of them, sitting there concealing how velvety and pudding-like their centers are behind their cracked and powdered outer layers.

Oh oh oh. I say oh and the sound comes out in a thin circle of chocolate. I talk to my boss about where's the file, emergency payment, $50,000 at stake and my mind goes, cake cake cake.

I've started talking to so many new people recently I'm starting to confuse them. I found myself flirting with the guy from Records because he reminded me of someone else or something. Maybe I just can't turn the flirting gene off. Producing too many enzymes or something. Whoops, how embarrassing.

Skip this one if you want to continue eating those chips, it'll only make you feel bad.

This day is dragging. I'm excited about so many different things in my life these days, but the present moment in this armless swivel chair is not one of them.

Good comment as always Nikhila. It's interesting to hear this article is old news to you and many others in the long-term dieting fitness crowd. I guess only people like me who in the past haven't really exercised or thought about weight loss much might be surprised, basing our assumptions on advertising propoganda and popular culture which point towards exercise as an effective weight loss tool. I'm still surprised that the effect of exercise on mood, indirectly causing a lowered calorie intake, has no effect on the studies supporting this article. I'm always interested in studies like this breaking down results based on various population variables, such as salary/standard of living, education, age, gender, genetic propensity towards mental illnesses such as depression/anxiety, etc. Maybe if we teased out the variables a little more we could find a significant effect on people who eat for depression/stress, versus people who are only overweight because of lack of consideration or genetics. I for instance, definitely belong in the first group. Most of the time I eat healthily, in moderate portions, don't tend to drink a lot, and my family isn't fat. If I'm going through a stressful situation or have PMS though, you can forget it. I am nuts. This Sunday is a good example. It was the day before my period. I got home at about 2 or 3pm after having breakfast at Marine Manor and then snacking at the vegetarian food festival. I opened up the box of Turkish Delight I had bought and promptly ate a third of it. Then I ate 3 friggin pastries from the lovely bakery down the street. THREE. Then I fell asleep from the sugar crash, woke up later, had a small amount of veggie stir fry as my "dinner," and went to Ken and Jeanne's for a roast chicken, baked potato, cake feast later on. The next day I got my period and ate about 5 tablespoons of Nutella while cleaning my room.

Here it is Wednesday and I have almost no desire for that crap. I ate a salad for lunch. Mood is a powerful thing. Exercise seems to make a majority of my days like this one, although it definitely can't fix everything.