Toxic

I'm minding my own business, reading my email, and General Mills has the audacity to flash an ad at me containing favorite childhood breakfast cereals. There is a picture of cinnamon toast crunch up there, how am I supposed to concentrate?!?! Now I'm sad I didn't bring any back with me, I won't be able to eat it until March.

In other toxic food experiences, I was just washing my camelback out with super-strength cleaner, after coming down with something like food poisoning this weekend after our lovely hike. I was projectile vomiting out of both ends. At first I thought it might be the sandwich, but now I see a clump of mold lining the base of the camelback hose. Blegh, no wonder that water tasted funny. I've never had food poisoning before, so I guess it was a novel illness to add to the collection, but still, really unpleasant. The hike was nice though, a real chill group of people and just enough climbing to make it challenging, but not exhausting. I'm pleased to see my cardio fitness gradually improving, it's nice not to want to rip out my lungs or pass out all the time.

Arm Cancer

There's a lump in my arm...it's either a tumor, or this gym thing is starting to work. I've been pretty dedicated about working out almost every day. Not always at the gym, but in general getting some good activity in 5 or 6 days a week. We went on a nice long hike last weekend, and probably will again this weekend, as long as I get some proper shoes this time around. I've been working out in what Francisco has decided to call my "dance shoes," but my feet slide a bit in them, which is fine for half an hour on the elliptical, but not good when I'm hiking for 4 hours. And I'm too scared to run in them, I keep remembering that guy who flirted with me while I worked my dead shifts at the coffeehaus in college, he'd been marathon training when one of his feet fell. Now he's got one foot with a normal arch, and one flat foot. Not exactly a problem that'll just go away. It must be hell to buy shoes that fit well, maybe he has a special pad in one.
I had a million things to say on here, but then I didn't have internet for 6 days, and now I've forgotten everything. I bet it was the most cleverest stuff I ever did think. Perhaps you need to pause a moment and contemplate your loss. If that doesn't help, I promise to get you a Kaffee Eis gelato if you ask. Now if you'll excuse me I have some apple muffins in the oven to deal with.
p.s. Happy birthday Taisuke.

Too many science experiments

I tried Salvia divinorum again last night, in an attempt to feel its effects more clearly. It was one of the craziest experiences of my life. The world all became more crystalline, almost like a kaleidescope at first, before revealing itself as more fractal-like. I was frozen in place, staring at the lighter I had just dropped down. Joe and Kris were sitting to my right watching TV. If I looked at the lighter more, then 2 points on the top surface were Joe and Kris again, their parallel lines of sight the top sides of the lighter, the far side of the top of the lighter the TV screen, and the side of the lighter was me. I was trapped. I tried to escape from one level and just moved on to the next, at a spiral right angle from where I had been originally. In and in and in. At change points I was able to move sometimes, to glance around and make sure everything was there. It was all still the same each time. Joe and Kris' observation was that I sat like a statue for about 7 minutes. I had no concept of time. I thought it might take forever, but it also felt like one moment. I think I'll try it alone again next time so I don't feel so paranoid about other people being there, and about the TV's presence. At about minute 7 I looked up and laughed, "That was weird!" They started asking me questions but I told them I needed about 4 more minutes, which I think was an accurate estimate. After half an hour the effects seem to have completely warn off. I felt good, and strange.

In my more main stream science experiment, I got evaluated at the gym for my fitness program: 72.6 kg/160.06 lbs, BMI 24.3 (Francisco and I are exactly tied on this one, crazy), body fat 35% (a little high, he said, but way better than what Nikhila's scale told me last month, 49%! Nikhila, your scale may be a little off, which is good news for everyone.), Blood pressure 130/91! He said it sometimes measures a little high. I'm hoping that's the case. Jesus. My BP was only 120/70 when I had it measured in June. I did some cardio stuff the past 2 days, although it seems to have given me a license to eat everything. The major factor keeping me from eating like crap in the past was that it made me feel tired and headache-y, but working out seems to prevent these problems. I'll try a little harder to return to a substantially raw/unprocessed spread, although it would be interesting to see whether working out or eating crap foods wins the body tug of war.

A Call to NY

I don't know how to deal with dying. We always think about dealing with death, and I've thought about that a lot throughout my life. I'm getting there. But dying. Dying is worse. I just called Nanna and Pop-pop and hung up with the usual hollow feeling at the end. So many immune system disorders. Oh, for a quick and painless death. That's what Nanna wants. She tells me my father is having all these eczema and esophageal problems. Ugh. Lonely and uncomfortable, with nothing to do but think about their health problems. I don't wanna know. But I do, and I feel bad so I call them. I call some people because I want to, and others because I feel bad. The last thing the world needs is more pity. If I follow my genetics, I will maintain my mind intellectually as I age, but will fall down into a pit of self-pity as my immune system attacks my body in different and creative ways. So exciting to look forward to.

Alright, now for some more positive stuff. Me and Francisco just joined a gym, my first gym membership ever. We're getting our evaluations and goals analyzed tonight. I took a swim class the other day that was so fun, so I might drop the gym membership and join the pool instead (no sweaty hot shirts!), it's half the price and I'd have access to some cardio machines too. I've been walking up hills a lot lately, and am currently performing a science experiment on my body to see if the Shangri-la diet has some merit. My science can't be all that accurate with my changing physical fitness, but I've worked out before regularly and only lost maybe 3 lbs, so if I lose significantly more this time I will deem it a success. Current weight (I haven't been more than 3 lbs off this either way in like 5 years): 159lbs.

Yay for science, and fitness. Joe and Jeanne are inspiring with their new fitness drives (and people like Sarah and Clodagh have been inspiring for a long time). Hopefully we will all continue on these new healthier lifestyles, not worrying too much about minor setbacks. It would be good to be the person that doesn't get out of breath climbing 5 flights of stairs. You know, the one who keeps chatting on the way up while you're trying to disguise how out of breath you are by giving 2 word answers. That is my goal, far above weight loss and toning.

Miranda July

I was just thinking about that Miranda July movie, Me and You and Everyone We Know, and about how I'd love to see it again, which reminded me I put her book of short stories on reserve at the library back in June, which led me to discover that they passed it along to someone else because I wasn't here, and then charged me $2. So now I am sad about leaving New Zealand last month for 3 reasons total: 1) I didn't get to read that book and won't for a few more months probably; 2) I missed Peter's birthday and karaoke; and 3) The international film festival. Good thing I have more than 3 happy memories from the trip, the life scales weigh in my favor. Try again next time Regret.

Luckily, I found one of the stories from the book online. She is so lovely. You can read it too.

What else, what else. Yesterday I walked a couple miles carrying a bookcase, in an attempt to avoid driving again. I kind of enjoyed it, is that weird? I also ate and drank about $80 worth at the izakaya. Peter is an extravagant dude, and it rubbed off on me and F. The shrimp yakitori was extra special this time. I was about 10% hungover this morning, kind of the perfect level in my opinion. My body was telling me, Hells yeah we had a good time last night, and then I ate an apple and felt ok again.

I just watched Mysterious Skin. I don't recommend it, I mean sure Joseph Gordon-Levitt is reasonably attractive and takes his clothes off a bunch of times, but it didn't really have much direction and some of the characters didn't make any sense at all. I finished it because it was dark and had some gay and because I find the skinny boys attractive, but that was the end of its appeal to me.

Oh yeah, I read all of The Tipping Point yesterday, which was quite interesting. You've probably read it already, especially if you tend to buy books out of airport gift shops. I liked thinking about the super connector people in my life, and about how I'm basically the opposite of that personality type, but how cool it would be if I found strangers endlessly fascinating. Because they are, it's just easy for me to get overwhelmed if there are too many people interacting with me so I forget how cool it is to get to know new people in my panic to get away from the strangers. They're Everywhere.

Correct Answer!

As soon as you have an answer to the question, "What are you going to do with your life?" family members get very very happy. Yes, I have a plan Grandma. Oh, you love me even more now? Why didn't I think of this sooner? I should've just picked any old plan and reaped the rewards of non-awkward Christmases 5 years ago. Oh well. It takes the wisdom of 26 years to figure that sort of thing out. I keep telling people about the Physician Assistant idea, and I think it's reached a critical mass where I guess I'll have to go through with it. I'm a little nervous about amassing enough references to make this viable, but it's not the end of the world if I take an extra year to make this happen. I feel much better though, with the next 5 years laid out neatly in front of me like this. I have an answer at parties now. I am less afraid of strangers because the awkward pause won't have to surface. I feel less dependent on Francisco (or men in general). Fucking sweet!

The Great America Tour was fantastic, and the perfect length too. Best vacation I've ever been on. It had everything: down-time reading Harry Potter, farm life, San Francisco shopping, babies (at least 4 I can remember), getting to know my friends better, campout raving, new drugs, Walgreens, hostess cup cakes, a fancy restaurant, cheapo delicious ribs, biscuits and gravy, and all that fine southern hospitality, swimming in Nikhila's pool, feeling missed, good beer at the Toronado, trying not to make Audrey laugh because of her retarded body post-op. A new place, an old place, free and wonderful accommodation the whole trip, independence with my own rented phone this time around. Ah. And unlike the last trip to the US, this time around felt like the start of my return there. Up until now I've been moving farther and farther away from the goings on in the US and haven't been too interested in the news or in emails from SF lists, but now I have renewed interest. I'll DEFINITELY be returning there in March. Anyway, I need to get started making contacts in the health care industry if I want a chance of getting into school anytime soon. This could be fun, being all serious. I care about how people are feeling physically and I read medical journals constantly, so why not get paid for it.

It's good to be back. I had to clean the narliest mold out of the back of my closet, and that sent me off on a cleaning rampage yesterday. The mold was so bad, it DISSOLVED the carpet. Yes, there is now a hole in our carpet where the mold used to be. It's nice to be domestic and have my own vegetable crisper again. And beautiful beautiful New Zealand apples. My gosh, you don't know what you're missing if you haven't tried them. Joe agrees. He returned with his lovely wife this morning and then we went to pick up the cats from what turned out to be less than cat paradise. The Sneak pooped for joy in the car ride back. Joe said it smelled like chipped beef. I never want chipped beef, keep that stuff the fuck away from me. I'm glad we're all back, can't wait until the cats relax enough to let me harass them in a loving manner. Tomorrow I'll avoid the cleaners in the morning and go downtown to the volunteer Wellington office to try and find a position in the health care sector. I have to avoid them because I brought back the wrong hair care products for Bee and I can't face explaining to her my ordeal in the Walgreens "ethnic hair products" section. It's too embarrassing. I'll never do anything nice for anyone again!