Been slacking on the posting again

Have some old posts from the past week! I haven't been on the internet in 4 whole days woooooohhhh:

Tuesday:
It's that time again. That time when I go back on all the anal restrictive tasks I set up for myself back when I was feeling energetic. Around and around it goes. I bit off all my nails last night. It was great. I watched tv instead of going to the gym. I ate cakes for dinner last night. I didn't listen to some people when they talked about things I don't care about, and made no attempt to pretend to be listening. I don't care I don't care anymore. I'm tired of trying. Work is bad today, there is too much to do. I'm mildly impressed with how efficient I'm being. And time's flying. I suppose there are benefits to being busy.

And there are benefits to this mood too. It makes me cut out excesses. Things that are not essential (shaving legs, being anal, looking and acting FABULOUS, setting up appointments, money stuff) get cut out. I spend less, sleep more, obsess less, read more, don't get drunk or talk too much, or use overplanning as a crutch. I don't need a man when I'm in this state, maybe it's time to celebrate?

The allergies returned in full force today. Here I was feeling all cocky because this past week people around me have been suffering. Then my allergies barge in today and beat everyone else's. It's very easy to locate me today, just follow the explosive sneezes. God forbid I have to hide in a closet from a rapist in the next few weeks.

Thursday:
I don't know about this new allergy medicine. Or maybe I'm getting sick. Or maybe I'm just sleep-deprived. I can't concentrate on anything right now though. I'm a zombie.

It's really great not having hayfever though. Nothing's ever worked for me before. I'm taking both Zyrtec tablets and that steroid nasal spray, which is maybe a bit of overkill but I was just so miserable 2 days ago I wanted to punch this thing into the ground. I imagine the zyrtec is what's making me out of it. I just wanted to take it for a few days until the nasal spray kicked in, but maybe I'll stop today and see how that goes. Can you believe all this crap is over-the-counter here? I was overwhelmed by the wall of allergy medications. I'm positive stuff like allegra and long-term nasal sprays are prescription-only back home. You can buy pretty powerful codeine-based pain relievers here too. The only thing they crack down on more heavily than the states is pseudoephedrine products (sudafed) because meth (or "P" as they call it) production is such a big concern. Well, it's a big concern everywhere, but here they don't have quite as many other problems so it becomes a huge focus. An ugly ugly drug for sure. My migrainous coworker advised me to pick up the OTC drug Mersyndol, which apparently has codeine combined with another heavy hitter, for those times when it's too late to stop the migraine and all you want to do is pass out and let it do it's thing. All you have to do is sign for it and they'll give it to you. I still have a hippy fantasy that eventually I'll be able to eliminate migraines from my life through physical and dietary methods, but it's slow going getting myself to behave perfectly. I'm changing my ways, but there are lots of steps back, especially during PMS, when mersyndol and the like are the only things that could get me to stop eating around the salty/fried --sweet/fatty circle again and again. Lots of people claim acupuncture helps them, I've been meaning to do that for years but it's just one of those things...you know, another appointment to make and remember, more money to spend. I mean I LOVE massages, but I only remember to get about one a year and that's usually from a gift certificate I feel obligated to fill.

Ooh, speaking of appointments, I finally went to a dentist yesterday. Phew, my mouth is not that bad. One new cavity, but just a tiny one, and my gums and bones all look healthy. The regular chastizing for lack of flossing, but in a kinder way than usual. She was a nice lady, Mary McBride. Very Irish and chatty, and the ceiling had a gorgeous photo show. Maybe my most pleasant dental experience! It's certainly more fun these days now that I don't have to sit through a fluoride treatment for eternity. Kids have it rough, with all the vaccinations and treatments and chicken pox and crap. Wait, do they even get chicken pox anymore? They're missing out if that's been irradicated. I remember once the initial fever had died down I almost enjoyed the experience. It was bizarre being sick for more than a week, and having parents expose their kids to me. I think zoe only had like 3 chicken pox because she was about 3 years old at the time.

Hmmm, vaccinations. Am I supposed to get my kids vaccinated or what? I'm tired of all the rumors that vaccines cause autism and immune systems disorders. I want cold hard facts people! Vaccines have so dramatically improved our standard of living, I can't just toss them aside without some more evidence. Good thing there are no kids on the way yet.

Argh! I left Hawthorn at about 11:15 last night and APPARENTLY some famous people showed up around then. It better not have been Brett and Jemaine!!! Damn it! I had a good time sitting in front of the fire toasting marshmallows and drinking a lightly fruity beer, but decided to be sensible and leave. Garrrrr!


UPDATE:
Aaagghhhh! It was them!

Also someone from Friends and the guys of Fat Freddie's Drop.

I'm a foooool! I give up. Famous people, you are dead to me. I am tired of being surrounded by people who have met you. I have never met you, and that's what's important. I can't bear any more of these stories.

Well, I'm awake and alert now. That's good I guess.



Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

Plans

I've finally got my Christmas vacation all planned out. This might just be my best vacation ever. Well, Kentucky was pretty spectacular. But this is my first extended trip on my own. That's right, doing 100% my favorite activities. No compromising, no museums, no waiting, no eating too much unhealthy food. Lots of nature, endless swimming, chocolate, eating local produce like figs, avocados, oranges, and reading. I've rented out a room for 8 nights up in Kerikeri, the far north of New Zealand. 6 of those nights I'll have my own room but it's budget accommodation, sharing a bathroom and kitchen. The last 2 nights I'm upgrading to a studio with private kitchen and veranda for some ultimate alone time. The place is in the middle of sub-tropical jungle, with a stream running through the property and hiking trails. I'm renting a car (yikes!) because buses run between these small towns once or twice a day and it's only a 20 minute drive to Paihia, tourism central for the Bay of Islands. I'm splurging on a day long cruise in the bay that includes delivering mail to some of the islands, swimming with dolphins, speeding through something called the "hole in the rock," and spending a couple hours on a private uninhabited island. The other big splurge I'm planning is a tour up to Cape Reinga, the northernmost tip of New Zealand where the 2 oceans meet from opposite directions, and near the 90 Mile Beach (which looks more like 90 kilometers on the map) on which you can go sand surfing. The rest of the time I hope to do not much of anything outside of sitting on beaches reading, a little light hiking, whatever. I'm taking a direct flight back (just in time for NYE in case anyone is around), but I think I might take my time getting up there, especially since flights in that direction are super expensive at the moment. I'll probably fly into Auckland, spend the night of the 22nd there or Whangarei, and then slowly make my way up the next morning, stopping at stuff like those famous weird toilets in Kawakawa. At first I had this romantic fantasy that I would bus all the way up from Wellington, but it turns out the bus costs almost as much as planes, takes like 16 hours and you have to do it in 2 days. The train to Auckland costs MORE than flying. Romance is dead.

What is everyone else doing for Christmas?



Older musings:

* I had marmite for the third time ever this morning. It's grown on me with startling rapidity! It's just salty, intensely salty, so I cut it with some unsalted butter on toast. Everyone knows fat and salt are a winning combo, I bet most people would like it pretty quickly as long as they were only using a small amount. I feel sad though, like I've lost something. Making fun of marmite/vegemite is one of those things that binds us Americans together, and now I'm alone outside the collective spirit.

Small price to pay for something new to put on toast though. Man, I'm really gonna miss vogels toast when I go back to the US. It's not the perfect bread for eating plain or cold, but it is definitely the perfect toast. Nothing I've had at home comes close.

Clodagh's green party is tonight! I haven't drank or partied all week. I've been ridiculously good on all fronts - setting up a savings plan, making a dentist appointment, eating well, went to the gym yesterday AND the day before, walked to work every day this week, got 8 hours of sleep every night. Enough already, time to party! I bought some green hair color spray and body paint, know one will recognize me (or Reza, he wants me to help him be fabulous)

* Last night I washed my hair at the gym with Dr. Bronner's because I had run out of shampoo and didn't want to have to take a shower this morning. Dang. My hair is Clean. Guess I only need one bottle of soap product in the shower. The usual hippy shampoo I've been using for the past year always leaves my hair a little greasy. I'm not gonna take it anymore! They charge me $26 for a little bottle of poo. My pockets bleed out at Commonsense Organics. I should use my own damn common sense. From now on I'm only buying meat there. Their produce is small and cruel, (pommegranites were $7 apiece last week), their health and body treatments not necessary, I can get the same unhomogenized organic A2 milk at my corner store, their snacks trick me into thinking they are healthy when really they are huge globs of nuts and honey. I can't believe I almost bought that fasting cleansing program for $52 last year. Or that I bought that jar of acidophillus pills last month for $30. I lose control in health food stores. I talk about improving my life and then all I do is drop money on things that ARE NOT PROVEN TO WORK. MONEY WILL NOT MAKE YOUR BOWELS WORK BETTER VANESSA, JUST STOP EATING SO MUCH ALL AT ONCE AND STOP DRINKING.

Ahhhhh. That felt good. I just dumped a big one right there. flush.

* I was so angry this morning. I walked to work in close to half the usual amount of time. I kept telling myself A) let the past go B)ok, you're not very good at letting the past go yet, but keep practicing you'll improve, and C) Stop comparing yourself to this one person. Don't even think about them for a long time. Ok ok, you can continue comparing yourself to other people for now, but stop with this one particular person. This is where you suck the hardest.

Ok, I'm going to make a New Year's resolution. I don't think I've done this in about 10 years. 2008 will be the year to slowly wean off of comparing people. It makes me feel bad. Or sometimes good, but in a dirty way. It's too distracting from all these important projects and thoughts. I am way too busy for this crap.

Other plans for 2008:

Read more philosophy
Continue the exercise, you're doing great!
Apply to some health/nutrition programs
Save $$ for above program
So one thing really foreign (be in the wilderness for a long period, go on a meditation retreat, go to a country that is not easy, be homeless, eat the same food every day for a week, ....)
Teach someone something you know - to dance, sing, swing poi, fast, eat right, keep good financial records :) , ....
Shed people who make you feel bad
Don't worry about doing above list, focus on the primary goal first

There, that should satisfy Kris for now.

Pull it up shove it out

I am excited. This is exciting. I just remembered: philosophy. I am so fucking in love with something, everything. I had an awful migraine on Monday, which of course reminded me yet again about what's important. I deserve migraines. Maybe I'll stop getting them when I don't need them anymore, and maybe that will never happen. That's ok. The pain is interesting, and I can bear it as long as I know it will end soon. I saw a movie about a dying man last night, Time of Closure. It was good. He had pain without an end. That would be unbearable. Ends and beginnings, we need lots of these. End of the workday. Beginning of a romantic interlude. End of a relationship. Beginning of freedom. How could I keep going if things were at a constant? Chaos and form, fluctuating back and forth (forever) throughout our lives. Creating cookies out of eggs and sugar! Breaking down the cookies using our ever-hungry absorption machinery. This living thing, so full, so much change! I have a friend who needs to create big events, big deals, the adventure to end all adventures. (S)he doesn't remember that we are on the biggest adventure already. This person has perhaps become addicted to what happens in their brain when intense stuff happens, which is understandable, because we were designed to be experiencing the big deal head rush all the time. Why do our bodies become tuned away from this? Why do we need more and more to experience the intensity that should be happening constantly just because we are alive? Do you remember when you were a kid? How little it took to make the big deal head rush? We were made for happiness. Our pasts turn into warm happiness as we get further away from them. The most difficult situations cause happiness. Everything causes happiness, we have to work pretty damn hard to make so much boredom and sadness. We are artful pros at this. Congratulations, you can make misery out of everything. You are the best at misery! Would you like a button or a sticker? I can make some.

Some old writings from last week, in reverse order (maybe):

***I feel like I've fallen in love with someone but there's no one to fall in love with. Who or what has captured me so? Honey, you make me forget I was sick of myself.

I love how people who've grown up in similarly overeducated privileged positions like myself feel kind of embarrassed and at the same time proud of how obsessed they are about living the best way possible. We all know there are more pressing problems out there, but still revel in careful excrement examination. We worry a zen Buddhist monk would find our worrying and questing funny or boring or absurd. We air our problems publicly and with irony. We try to appear mature and intelligent. Why is it so important to appear witty, zen, wise? I've always been drawn towards slightly older friends because I like to pretend I'm on their "level," but why do I think about this so much? Can't I just relax already and like people because they are funny or nice? What's the deal with this rush towards enlightenment? That's a stupid goal.

Also, I've decided the worst life situation is not being a repressed, tortured, child abused, and/or raped woman in a backwards country. People growing up in bad circumstances often seem, well, not thrilled, but resigned about their situations. I read a quote somewhere from a Chinese woman in England who said it wouldn't be a good thing for rural Chinese women to know how the rest of the world lives. They are happy because they think everyone lives like them. No, the worst life would be to grow up like me (or, even worse, in the top .001%) and then be thrown into that situation as an adult.

***Ack, you're right Jeanne, I apologize. Quaint is the wrong word. I do love New Zealand, just sometimes I miss that horribly cynical filter that runs rampant in US city culture. I was trying to make fun of myself for not enjoying art/events unless it's ridiculously self-aware and shoved through the irony filter. There's something innocent maybe? about New Zealand art. (Same innocence shows up in places like the news, but I think that says more about the American obsession with tragedy than anything else) I think you guys have a wonderful culture, and 90% of the time I feel so free in it, like I can call myself an artist or a builder or anything I want, but occasionally I get depressed by art galleries, movies (tthough the docfest sure looks great), street festivals, etc. Sometimes I miss being surrounded by artists who've been infected by the same culture as me. That's fair, right? No more making sweeping generalizations about NZ, I promise! I wouldn't live here if I didn't like it, and the US is indeed a much more problematic place to live, somehow managing to be both backwards and cynical. Thanks for calling me out on that. As I told my mom last week in response to her incredulousness at me airing all my private thoughts to the world, one of the main reasons I keep a blog is to keep myself honest and aware, and I can't do that unless people tell me when I'm being an asshole.

***Oh yum, today was strawberry day. Some medical facility was raising money by selling loads of strawberry sundaes in midland park. Every square inch was packed with people sitting in the sun eating ice-cream. Felt like Field Day only I didn't have to jump through tires. It's funny that strawberries come into season now, leading to terms like "Christmas Strawberries." Although come to think of it it's the same in Japan, and strawberries aren't even in season there. Traditional (and highly romantic) Christmas cake is vanilla with strawberries neatly pointing up around the rim of the top. They attach great significance to the red and white theme, which is why KFC is also popular at that time of the year. I was advised to put in my Christmas KFC order well in advance. Yuck!

December 25/26 and January 1/2 are public holidays here. In the government the 27, 28, 3, and 4 are all pretty much compulsory days off. If I tack on the 24th I am effectively being forced into taking a 2 week holiday. Gosh darn it. I haven't been able to find anyone who's free and in New Zealand over Christmas break, but the more I think about it, the more excited I get to be alone and travelling. The plan is to take as easy a vacation as possible. Right now I'm thinking go up to the far north and sit on beaches the entire time reading and having fruit and champagne, seducing myself. I like thinking about future me having a crush on present me because I had such a great vacation idea.


***I'm feeling a bit sad today. It feels good to be sad. I love being normal again, and taking care of my body. I miss you. I miss having time to do nothing. I miss my family, my friends. I miss cheesy movies and new cds. I miss biting my nails. I miss having someone there who cares about me a lot. These people don't think about me, nor I them. It's all good times now, but they're not gonna fetch me the vomit bucket next time I have a migraine. No one's around to tell me dumb dream stories in the morning, or wrap around me like a monkey when I try and get out of bed too early on Saturday mornings. I just get up. I'm up I'm up. I eat breakfast at 8:30 because there's no monkey there holding me back.

Monkey! :(

Stop posting crazy lady

There's this guy. His name is Warwick Templeton. No joke. He looks like this:


Recently I saw a poster in downtown Wellington that sounded unusual. It advertised a Magimatics series of events. I like magic and math, and naturally I was a bit intrigued. So I hunted down its web page.

I can't believe this guy exists. Maybe someone invented him. I would go and check this out but each evening costs $50, and the website doesn't mention food included in that price anywhere. I can't bring myself to shell out $50 just because of how incredibly dorky and bizarre this dude sounds. Advertise food, or audience interaction. Make it sound like it's ANYTHING more than a dork with a power point presentation in a fancy room. Please. The only people you're going to attract are well-off older people who already appreciate math (and historical buildings). People like you, Warwick.

I make fun of him because he presents himself and his seminars in such a dorky way, but this sort of event really appeals to me. I'm tired of public events that are about boring art, politics, and civic pride, or the usual entertainment spectrum (food, movies, crap for sale, drinking, consume consume consume). This kind of thing could be so cool...if it weren't so lame. Oh well. When I have some free time I'll try and appreciate the beauty of math in my own cheapo way. With a book from the library, tea, and some chocolate-covered raisins ($5. Knowledge gained: Priceless).

Sometimes I think I'm way too jaded and cynical to live in a quaint place like New Zealand. They're like 10 years behind on everything. I like San Francisco because everyone is as artistically-aware hyper-critical media-savvy asshole-y alternative-freaky full-of-themselves as I. Damn I love that place. How did I ever become this monster!? Maybe it's time to suck it up and die from boredom in the romantic countryside, like I always pretend I want to do. I think with a couple years practice I could get the hang of it. Enough time and you can get used to almost anything.

Haha, I just took "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" out of the library almost entirely due to this line in the "Rules and Suggestions for Enjoyment of This Book" preface:
"4. Actually, many of you might want to skip much of the middle, namely pages 209-301, which concern the lives of people in their early twenties, and those lives are very difficult to make interesting, even when they seemed interesting to those living them at the time."

Alright, I also took it out because I've heard of it somewhere before. Can't remember where. It looks good though.

Blank tank

I've felt so strange the past few days. Like there's something wrong with my eyes, or I took too much prescription painkiller or something. I did something super embarrassing Saturday night at Sarah's bday. That night I also: Left my purse in someone's car, cut open my knee, and used permanent sharpie marker to draw a mustache on Ken. I wasn't nearly as drunk as some other people, just really out of it. I didn't have an ounce of alcohol all day Sunday but still, the weirdness continued and I could barely hold a conversation with anyone at Christopher's Scopa thing. I think I lost more blood this time of the month than usual, maybe that was it. I also had various different types of bodily injury that lost some additional blood this week.

It was a great weekend, even with above brain fartage. It was really really fabulous performing again, even if it was only for a few minutes. What a rush. I love throwing heaps of energy on audiences and getting it thrown back at me. There is really no better feeling. Sex, true opening-up-with-someone-new conversations, caring for someone when they're sick, holding babies, and reaching the top of a challenging mountain hike are all pretty great, but I think performing well for a psyched audience is probably the best. I guess it's hard to compare these things. I feel so grateful to Jenny for presenting this African dance opportunity to me, I hadn't realized how exciting the drumming would get during a performance. The troup really makes a good show of it, they don't even need us dancers, although it's always good to have some coordinated activity to look at. I'm not that confident in my dancing but it doesn't even matter because of how awesome the music already is.

Today is the 5th of November, remember. I have purchased a box of fireworks because the period from November 2-5 is the only time of year you can legally buy fireworks in NZ. If this damn rain ever stops there will be a fireworks show tonight in the ocean next to downtown Wellington. This time last year we sat on the beach and tried to avoid all the horizontally-oriented fireworkage detonated by teenagers. We were eating vegetables because November was the raw challenge (seems more recent than that!) It was good, I hope to do the same this year.

Time is going so fast! I can't believe how much I've learned this year, it seems like an unusually large amount, almost like the few years before this I was amassing life experience, while this year I actually sat down and analyzed and assimilated it. It's taken until now for me to understand what I went through and learned in Japan.

Fascinating!

Acquaintance-speak

(written Friday)

Kate's right, I have been a bit personal here lately. It's this whole liberation thing I've been going through. I haven't had any time to really analyze what I'm doing or saying. It's been really exciting but in a manic, unsustainable way. Back to Earth! Time to write about meaningless stuff that doesn't hurt anybody:

I have now officially written dates the kiwi way (day/month/year) enough times that I can no longer remember which is the "right" way or what date I actually meant when I wrote, for example, 10/9/07.

The front picture on today's Dominion Post was gorgeous. Apparently scientists somewhere in the US have genetically engineered mice with 4 different fluorescent colored proteins. Those 4 colors combine in different ratios to create something like 90 different perceptible shades of neurons. The result is a microscopically gorgeous picture they are wittily calling a "brainbow." I would like a high-def version to hang up poster size in my room. It combines 2 of my favorite things, brains and rainbow colors. Ah, we are approaching ever more precisely exactly what each individual neuron does. It's easy to go in and in and in, but hard to go out. Too bad for you neurostudents with a more philosophical inclination.

It is gorgeous outside! Some study recently showed women with more sun exposure are less likely to get skin cancer, but only if they are fair skinned. Roll up your pants and get some calf freckles ladies!

Kiwi nickname of the day: "mobi" (for mobile)

Practice: "It's rude to talk on your mobi and eat a bikkie at the same time, especially if your accent's American." (If it's British you just sound like whatever you are eating is the most delicious thing in the world damnit)