Vent

One of our patients had the nerve to ask for special compensation, because when he came to his appt, his car got towed. He parked it on the side of the street I mentioned had 2 hour parking, didn't read the sign that said no parking 4-6pm, and then blamed it on me since he wasn't "from the area." It's that kind of not taking responsibility for your own shit whining that pisses me off. I'm tired of listening to other people's endless stories about their unfair lives. Can we all get a little silence in here PLEASE. No I will not offer you a $300 discount on your appt. I work my hourly job the best I can, and answer a lot of phone calls. I don't have all the answers, and anyone who expects me to can suck it and check reality. I am a lot smarter than your average receptionist, but I don't get it all right. Take responsibility for your life and move on.

End vent.

I rearranged the furniture in my room at 8am today. That's how I roll these days. It's all about the noisy early morning hobbies. I ran around hopped up on green smoothie for about 90 minutes and then collapsed into the rest of my day. My job is still exhausting me, but I've gotten some excellent hugs lately, and had good conversations about life and stuff. It's fun being real with people. Shyness trumps desire, but death trumps shyness.

I just watched the worst movie, He's Just Not That Into You. I ate brownie bites while watching it, because chick nights are a great way to get over all the crap that's noising around in your head, but it may have been a bit too awful a movie. I know, sounds impossible, but damn that movie crapped a bucket of crap inside itself.

So yeah, room is looking good! I'm going camping again this weekend, and am already looking forward to returning home all dirty to my wonderful newly completed room of cozy lights and snuggly happiness. Now I just need someone to share it with :)

Stuck in bed

I feel drained today. I need to back away and realize it's ok not to get all the important shit done right away. I've been on the run for too long, and this morning it's all hitting me how much my life is changing. I feel really sad, for the neat easy way I overlooked her gradual deterioration, for not visiting her during her last few hours, and for myself, for the precarious financial situation I find myself in. There are a lot of people to break the bad news to. I did it a few times yesterday, and quickly moved a tissue box to the front of my desk. It's a really painful thing to tell someone. I don't want to be the bad guy! How do ER docs do it?

I didn't sign up for this. I don't want this. I'm so tired. I woke up ass early again today, and have been sitting in bed in my pjs ever since. I really don't want to go to work again. I don't know what to do for any situation anymore. We don't know where to take payment, what to tell new patients, how to pay for labs, how to pay for me, or what our legal standing is. We're trying to create a new system, and assume the old incorporation is dead, but new systems take time and money. The phone rang off the hook yesterday. At one point I had to break the news to her best friend from med school.

I need to regroup and center. I need to take time for myself. I can't do this, I can't do this. I can, I can do this. I'm doing my best.

What I've learned this week:

1) Diversify - your friends, your activities, all aspects of your life. Create multiple safe spaces and distracting activities, because if the shit hits the fan in one sphere, you have other communities and activities to fall back on.

2) A good indicator of dying is withdrawal from practical matters with a primary focus on the spiritual realm, though I suppose people also often do this when they're not dying. It's interesting how even when her conscious mind didn't know she was dying, some other part of her mind did, and stopped giving a shit about mundane life tasks. It was an intensely frustrating process to be a part of, but makes a lot of sense now.

I woke up at 5am today with a headache, and couldn't fall back asleep. I got a bad phone call at 7:30, so I'm glad I was up. I rode to work at 8, did some shit, came home and fixed up an old bike for burningman. When I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror, I look like a stranger. I should try to nap before we leave this evening.

This is life. We all have our ways of dealing. X has long phone conversations and cooks food. I write on my blog and run away for the weekend. Y gets shit done. We do what we have to. I don't think I can make the final visit to her. I have too many strange feelings towards her, and she has close friends and family. When I come back on Monday I want this to be over. Which is truly a fucked up way to feel, but this is honesty week, and I'd be a liar if I said otherwise.

What Really Matters

Holy Hell, what a sad week. I can't go into detail here, but this is an appropriate climax to the craziest 3 month period of my life. Fantastic highs, and terrifying lows (event-wise). Surprisingly, things internally have been fairly stable. Thank you fish oil and amino acids, you are mind-savers.

This feels like a tv show. I can't believe this is happening. I'm looking forward to camping this weekend, and washing all these heavy matters off in the icy cold waters of camp creek. I will eat, drink, flirt and talk to the trees. We will discuss silly matters around the campfire, and play with poi, hula hoops, each other's hair. When I come back, I will get my affairs in order and kickstart a job search with vim and vigor. I like that, "get my affairs in order." It sounds sensible and calm, like something a lady with knowledge would do. I wouldn't mind people thinking of me as a lady with knowledge. No muss no fuss, don't mind me, I'm just getting all the important work done in the background, while you gentlemen make a lot of noise and fuss around up front.

I'm definitely too silly to be a lady. Curses!

Tomorrow morning is my first psych study at UC Berkeley. Step 1 of my plan to find supplemental income. When I can't comprehend events, I turn practical. There is no plan that will solve all of this, but it's comforting to have one anyway.

Body fail

I should've taken X to the emergency room. Instead I let her drive herself home. I asked a few times if I could take her to the hospital, and she said no, instead instructing me to call her primary care physician for specialist referrals. Specialist referrals can take days. We don't have days. (And why the hell didn't the doctor's office instruct her to immediately go to the hospital? Instead they waited a couple hours before calling back.) I called her friend who is meeting her at her house. I hope she made it there ok. I should've given her the cell phone, because she's misplaced hers. Does that count as a symptom of disorientation? She seemed mostly coherent, but barely able to speak, and symptoms of what my mom called acute liver failure. She's been sick for over a month now, but it didn't seem so serious before (I still thought she should see a doctor though. I mean, 5 weeks!). I think she's lost like 10 pounds since Friday. oh god oh god why didn't I take her to the hospital. Don't say no when someone offers to take you to the emergency room, they only offer it when they're freaked out by how bad you look.

That's it, I need more than just cpr/first aid certification. I need EMT or paramedic training. I want to be useful in emergencies. People's bodies fail them all the time. I've never felt more grateful for my functioning body than right now.

Crap, I really hope this all works out. Why the hell am I blogging. Because I don't know what else to do. Next time this happens, I'll know what to do, and it won't involve the internet.

Cats: Don't make much sense

Feelin grateful that I've acquired so much good knowledge early in life. Thinking it's unlikely I'll wake up physically unwell and lackluster at 40.

I love you calf muscle. I love you elbow, all giving my foot a massage. I love you obsessive party planners. I even love the cat that hates when I touch it.

Am I the only one who doesn't care about then new iphone? Maybe I'm tricking myself into not caring, since I can't afford it. It's an extravagant day for me - I'm going to Waterside Workshops to buy a bike. It sounds awesome - mostly run by volunteers who teach you how to fix your bike yourself. It's also a youth training program. When you go to fix your bike, all you pay for is parts. Now that's a place I can put my scrawny chicken funds behind.

Recession for community advancement

A year ago I set myself the goal of 1) regularly volunteering for something I care about and 2) joining a performance group. I just realized I do both of those things now! Any time I bemoan the sad state of my career, I should remind myself of how far I've come. I always get into this rut of people telling me someone with my education and skills "should" have a better job, but these magical shoulds don't create a career out of nothing. It only ends up hurting me when I listen to the shoulds, because it makes me think something must be seriously wrong with me for me not to be able to obtain the sorts of jobs MIT grads do. I don't think there's anything wrong with me! There, I said it. My passions unfortunately don't cleanly align with career advancement, but so what. I feel healthier than I have in years, I have almost nothing to get stressed out about, and I live nearby some seriously beautiful nature. And, my toughest decision these days is whether to participate in my final improv performance or go up to the fnf campout on time. Tough times man. I'm broke, but so are half the people I know. Recession brings us together.

I figured out my finances, and if I omit student loan payment, utilities, and rent, I have $25/day to live on. For everything else - transportation, food, clothes, furniture, fun, medical, forget about savings. I've begun logging how much I spend each day, which is satisfying. Thursday and Friday I went out and spent $35 each day, so today my budget is $5. I can try. Keeping my ears peeled for full time job opportunities, but digging in the satisfaction of poor-dom in the meantime....