Planning

I'm thinking a lot about some concrete steps to take this fall, once the Kentucky/San Francisco trip is over. This was spurred on in part from a suggestion from Kris to become a Physician Assistant (very good idea, thanks lady) and in part by some other serious talks. It wouldn't be so bad to be living in San Francisco sooner than I thought I would, there's a lot of decisions I've been delaying by being here. It's good to have motivation again. The further I get from those temp assignments, the better. It would be more better awesome to work part time at Homestead Health and put in some medical volunteer work.

Aside from the serious talks, things have been very good this week. There've been events every day. Last night we went out to Boulcott Bistro for Kris' bday dinner, and it was probably the nicest group dinner I've ever been to. We had the whole top floor to ourselves, which was accessed by a staircase 2 feet wide at most, and everyone switched seats constantly during the 4 hour meal. There was note passing, fancy wine, creme brulee, last minute surprise guests, and my friends, who normally for the most part do not put much effort into personal appearance, all looked extra attractive and well-groomed. Francisco wore a sweater which for him is like adding gold edging to a book. He often wears hole in the butt jeans to 3 course dinners. He looked good.

Ah, why do people always look better, the further they are from you?

Seriously looking forward to some time in California, it'll even be nice to ride the #14 bus, er, at least the first time. Every time I ride that bus something illegal or extremely unhygenic happens. Ammonia piss, selling pot, blackened open wound leg rot. Gamble 'til they shut you down or Valencia and Mission X the town.

I'll be renting a phone this time around to avoid the complications of the last trip. Also, we'll be staying in the city. It's gonna be a lot easier than the Xmas trip. I tried Google calendar for the first time, and the group vacation calendar is looking pretty full already, but I promise not to forget to see any of the important people (i.e. everyone who reads this thing).

Oh yeah, another first, today I drove in New Zealand in our new automatic car! And had a minor accident when I smacked the passenger side mirror into a parked car. Whoops, turns out it's hard to stay in the center of the road when driving on the left/wrong side. I fucking hate driving. Up until the age of 10 I spent my life carefully avoiding situations where I would have to ride a bike without training wheels, and from 16 on I've spent my time making up excuses not to drive. I am a passenger, and I ride and I ride. Heh, I haven't thought of my 2 great third grade shames in ages: 1) I pulled my pants down in front of the whole class on a dare; 2) I couldn't ride a bike. Good to know I've been so consistent!

Fucking driving.

You have not already lost. You've barely begun.

Everything is hard. Even telling yourself something is hard while knowing deep down it's easy, is hard.

Vanessa brand quotes! Taste like oatmeal!

Water...

...is the only liquid I want to drink again ever. Ugh. Juice. So sweet and cloying. I thought vegetables wouldn't be so sweet, but they are when you remove all the fiber. The juicing intensifies the leafy/nature taste of the vegetable, AND brings out all the sweetness. I feel nauseated thinking about most juices right now. I'm done fasting, broke it yesterday at lunch, just had a banana and some crackers, was feeling great (earlier that morning I couldn't even get out of bed I was so dizzy, almost blacked out on the way to the kitchen. Terrible!) It's weird how much you go back and forth while fasting. Half the time I felt clear-headed, calm, and happy, a lot of my frantic circular thinking totally gone, and the other half of the time weak, achy, headachy. A bizarre experience I don't really want to do again for a while. Maybe I won't ever juice fast again, might be fun to try a week or two of eating very small quantities of easily digestible raw fruits and veggies, a really gentle, not really a fast I guess, but a gentle house cleaning.

Then last night I kinda went crazy on the food. Brenda and Kris made this gorgeous spread of raw snacks and I tried everything, it felt great. Alcohol of all kinds tasted terrible, especially beer. I couldn't drink more than half of one! Incredible, that's never happened to me before. My body was clearly saying, "NO, can't handle that yet." It didn't taste anything like beer, more like...ear wax. Horribly bitter, with a lot of fizz that burned my tongue. Then we went to the film finals and I ate too much popcorn, felt not so good, went to Brendas again and had a piece of pie, still not feeling good. My eating, combined with the whole film thing being over (and we did not win anything, large or small), made me feel so empty and low. Haven't felt that hollow in a long time. I couldn't stay at the party, all my energy was gone. A weird, sad experience. I wake up today feeling better, but still sad that both the fast and the film are over. I didn't go out drinking with my team before of after, for various reasons (buses not running, the show taking over 3 hours due to technical difficulties, Brenda's party) so there's no sense of closure. The other films we were competing against were incredible, can't fucking believe this stuff was made in 48 hours, so really it was an honor just to make it to the finals, but now it's over, these people are probably out of my life for a while (will definitely keep in touch for future products, but don't feel like making the effort to have a whole new group of friends), and winter has arrived. It's cold, Christopher is moving back to the US, people are breaking up and having babies....What seemed so exciting last week now sounds wistful and lonely in the mood of today.

It will all change back, these things always do, but this is where I am now, so this is what I see. I would like to be more useful to the world, that would change everything. World, I am at your service, what would you like me to learn and see and do? I don't have any clear direction but am working hard at not putting myself down so that I can be more receptive to all the ideas and opportunities swirling around. Just give me a sign. Ignoring the temp agencies phone calls because these temp jobs make me put myself into a smaller box than I can fit into, if I spend all day filing I start thinking that's all I can do.

Maybe this coming period I will spend some time doing things I think I'd be bad at. Maybe I'm good at one of them, or at least interested in it. Just looking for that spark to get the machine started again. Time to eat healthy small portions, exercise, get some sunlight on my skin, and talk to positive energetic people. In moderation, can't be getting all superior or enlightened or some shit :)

Man

"...a man not brought up among other human beings cannot become a man." Stanislaw Lem, Solaris

Do you think society and culture make us human? If that's the case, then with society constantly changing in drastic ways, what it means to be a man is evolving much faster than the physical evolution. It makes me feel lonely thinking about this. A man, alone, with total freedom to create his own goals. A god? A lonely, made of matter, god.

Hoo, anyway. We went to Sydney last week, which was fun because it's a real city with, gasp, shops open until 9, 10, 11 at night. It had Krispy Kremes, gorgeous food, the water was warm and the sand was super fine. I don't know, I didn't get a unique impression, know what I mean? It looked like a patchwork of parts of other cities. Super super trendy, bits of LA, New York, Boston scattered throughout. I probably wasn't there long enough, but I didn't feel like I was in Australia. I'd like to return to Australia someday and see the outback, the natives, the crazy wildlife. The birds and the bats were pretty cool, we got to watch all the bats take flight at dusk per the Ardents' recommendation, and I got bitten by insects much more vigorously than normal, so I guess I got a small peak at the wild ecosystem down under. Felt very underdressed for the most part though, people seriously dress up in that city. We walked by so many trendy shops, I started to feel Shopping Despair, the kind that keeps me from even attempting shopping because my god I am a total slob.

This week I'm fasting. We ate a lot of heavy food on vacation so I figured it would be a good time. Also, it just came to me in a relaxed way after I realized I hadn't been hungry all day. First time I've ever attempted something like this without intensive planning. Feels good, easy. Was a bit weak and dizzy this morning so I made some super veggie juice with stuff like garlic, cayenne, and parsley thrown in, the spicy savouriness kicked my butt back into gear. Now listening to some new CDs, the new Blonde Redhead album is particularly good. Not too thrilled about the new Air album F got, but he also got one called We Are Not the Infidels that's really fun.

Why did I have to mention Krispy Kreme donuts, now I'm on the website looking at the donut pictures, constantly swallowing a big ol mouthfull of saliva. Damn you fasting. Let's make a list of things I'm craving this time around:

KK fried and glazed bread products
Nice quality beef burger with thick cut chips
Veggie stir fry with snow peas and brown rice
Cupcakes
Anything with a crispy outside, like a toasted panini or crackers with cheese.
Everything carbon based.

Keyboard shorting, gotta go mop up mouth secretions.

Oh, my 48 hour film is looking like a strong contender for the Wellington finals, I'll let you know how it goes! Finals showing on Wednesday, after which gotta race over to a party for a friend for her birthday, who also just moved in to a new house and is going to have a baby! I know people who have babies! Aaahhhh, must suppress lady hormones, plenty of time to have a baby in another 4 or 5 years, right? Babies! Must steal one....